People think it's all about misery and desperation and death and all that shit which is not to be ignored, but what they forget is the pleasure of it. Otherwise we wouldn't do it. After all, we're not fucking stupid. At least, we're not that fucking stupid. -Renton, Trainspotting
I think a lot about addiction and addictive patterns. I have them and the people in my life, who have been the major influences on my life, have also had them. My own additions have cost me a lot in terms of the quality of my life. The addictions of my parents did a lot of harm to me when I was younger, and even into my adult life during certain situations. I know first had how painful and destructive addictive behavior can be. And yet, like most addicts, I struggle to with breaking the patterns.
If you read the blog, you know I've been making some small bits of progress. They are very, very small steps. Still, any step towards the goal is better than walking away from it. I've wrote about tactics to change your patterns and even some to change your mindset, but lately, I've been thinking about the fundamental issue where addiction is concerned.
To leave an addiction, you have to understand all the beauty of it.
Because there IS beauty. Addictions become addictions because they fill certain needs for us. They help us. They give us pleasure. They give us security. They give us the ability to cope.
So you have to ask yourself, how is this addiction helping me?
And yes, I know that as soon as you think that, a world of cultural pressure is going to scream into your mind "NO ADDICTION IS BAD BAD BAD AND THERE IS NO GOOD TO IT ALL." The thing is, that's just not true. There is always a lot of very beneficial aspects of addiction. Otherwise, we wouldn't do it. As Renton said, we're not fucking stupid.
Take my fat for example.
I am fat because I love to eat. I love the pleasure of food. I love the excitement of food. I love tasting things that are delicious. But where most people can stop and just the point of sating themselves, I have to keep going.
I keep going because it gives me a sense of control. Food is something I know will make me happy, something I can depend on for that purpose. The more I have in my possession, the happier I think I am. And I don't want to make decisions based on what authority figures say, because I don't trust them. On many, many levels, I just believe the people telling me I shouldn't eat so much are just trying to deprive me of the only pleasure I know will never fail. They're also trying to make me conform to a certain body image.
Once I think about the body image thing, I get even more resistant. The fat has benefited me by being my shield. It keeps people away. It keeps me out of situations that might involve physical or intimate contact with others. It serves as my excuse and my justification for not having a social life, because those aren't things I want in my life.
As I began to think about how I saw the fat as being beneficial because it was a shield, I realized I could use that as a turning point on my behavior. This anti-social shield thing is an issue that I can tackle and deal with, all the while understanding that I don't have to continue to put my health at risk. I can either choose to find a new shield or perhaps come to accept that it isn't necessary. By gaining this control back, I have begun to see that altering my habits and patterns aren't about what society is telling me to do, but about what I choose to do for my own reasons.
If you have an addictive behavior you want to change, it is a long process. Sometimes it is a lifelong process. I really do believe if you take the time to examine why the addiction has been so good to you, it may help you find paths away from it. When you're an addict, on some level you feel like you truly are taking care of yourself in the best way you can. Okay, cool. Now look and see if there are better ways.
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