Little Specks of Light

When I was a really little kid, my grandparents had this camper that hooked to the back of their truck. They would take it to blue grass shows about twice a year. When it wasn't doing duty as their temporary home, it served as one of my playhouses. I remember laying on the bed in the back of the camper with all of my dolls around me. The windows were covered with these thick, scratchy, 1970s orange curtains that were held down on both ends and more or less block all the light from the outside.

At least, that was what they were supposed to do. Despite their thickness, the curtains were still cheap and light would flood through them in little square shapes. One of my favorite things involved holding my hand out in front of the curtain and watching as the little specks of light hit my hand. I remember it being both beautiful and warm.

My blog posts of late have been full of depressing and stressful stuff. I think sometimes one might assume my life is just this perpetual free fall of suck. Actually, sometimes I think that's what it is as well. It's really not though. As much as the bad things can happen, I know I'm very blessed with all these little specks of light that shine through on me.

For instance, on Monday, in the midst of the car hell and some stupid crap happening with the house, I drove my roommate to Atwoods so he could pick up some supplies. He was stressed. I was stressed. The day was dreary and cold. I waited for him in the car and my thoughts were rather dismal. I knew the van was going to cost a lot of money and we're pretty close to running out.

When we hot home, he unpacked the supplies and I noticed he bought a bag of taffy. I couldn't help but smile.

My roommate is very, very good about the little specks of light. Even in the middle of everything falling apart, he's always been able to find the ways to make it better.    He also understands that quite often the best way to make something better is just to add small bits of good to the situation. You don't have to stage a revolution and change everything about a situation. You can just alter one small thing, add one bit of good, one bit of the positive, and suddenly the world looks level again.

There are many moments embedded in my memory as the Moments Where I Felt True Happiness. Some of these moments have been the big things, yes. The majority of them, however, have consisted of those small specks of light flickering on my hand. Watching the wind farm in the way back from Colorado. Drunkenly singing Lou Reed's Transformer with my best friend. Sitting on the floor in the trailer watching TV with my roommate in a reprieve from moving. And yes, seeing that bag of candy.

Some people might think I'm making too big a deal of that. They might mention that I'm in the process of losing weight and shouldn't be spending money/calories on things that don't serve to promote my health. Those people are missing the point. The candy, which we stretched out over several days, in all of its bright and colorful little bits, helped me to remember that no matter how bad things get, there is always something to look forward to, even if it's just a small thing. It also reminded me that I'm not alone in my situation. Someone is there to share it with me, someone who cares.

I've had many bad days, but even still, the light still dances on my fingers.