Fatiguism

I have no idea why I didn't do a blog post last night. I intended to. It just didn't happen. They say memory is the first thing to go, ya know. Though, clearly in my case, other things have gone before memory. It's just in the clusterfuck of things that are going.  Despite some weird cramps and general fatigue, today wasn't that bad though. It just still wasn't great. It's just another day in the long stretch of days that just seem to be incapable of being great any more. That is wearing on me.

Fatigue, in the sense of something that lasts a long time, has a whole range of challenges. Clearly there are the physical ones. I managed to get my part of the trash out yesterday and even though I was winded afterwards, I still felt like it was a major accomplishment. Whenever I can manage to not screw up driving to the grocery store and getting the food inside the house without a problem, I now see it as a major accomplishment. The thing is, I don't WANT these to be major accomplishments. I want them to just be ordinary things that I do.  I hope it gets back to being that way because we park the van farther away during the summer months and I have no idea how I'll manage at that point if the fatigue is still this rough.

Aside from the physical though, what you really don't grasp, before fatigue hits you, is the emotional and mental side of it. I've lived with depression exhaustion before, where you just avoid anything too difficult because you can't take it. This is worse. You want to care, but you can't. I could read tons of articles about stuff . . . and just not really care like I used to. Stupid people say stupid things, and as much as I want to get emotional about it, it's just not there. My capacity for such things is currently offline.

I'm also really easily drained around other people. The more intense someone is or the longer they talk, the more I feel myself shutting down. And whatever strength I had to listen to other people's problems or worries . . . yeah, that is just about gone. Emotionally, I'm far more drained than I even am physically. I try to be as social as I can, but find myself falling in to 'one word' patterns. Sorry, guys. That's about as good as I can do right now.

Dammit. You know, I don't want to just make this another post about how much things suck. If I'm going to get better, I need to emphasize the positive things.  With that in mind, today had some wonderful moments. Most importantly,  the cold that my roommate and I have been suffering with was less horrible today than it has been. We are both still sick, but not as much.  It was warmer and it was very nice not to freeze all day. I have finally gotten my chair adjusted to where I am comfortable in it again. Rhiannon slept in the room with me while I napped. She didn't sleep on the bed with me, but even having her in the room was really nice. I've missed her being in the room and this was very good for me.

So see? Some positive things! Yay! And I finished a blog post!  My mind isn't completely gone after all.