So Cecil the Lion was killed and that was horrible. I'm not going to, in any way, claim that it wasn't horrible. People shouldn't kill lions unless they really have no choice in the matter. You know, as in the lion is about to rip their face off. In the wake of the lion being killed though, I found the response to it to be disturbing. And, again, understand, I in no way condone the action of the man who killed Cecil. At the same time, I think what happened to him afterwards is worrying.
I read this article tonight and it explains it pretty well. More and more, we're seeing internet outrage translating into real-life mob justice. It's terrifying. And when it happens to someone you perceive as a 'bad person,' then the mob justice doesn't seem so bad. However, it's important to remember that this kind of frenzy can be turned on anyone, at any moment. Mob justice is always, always a bad thing, even when it's against someone we don't like.
When I was younger, we were sold all these ideas about how the internet would bring us closer as a people. It would open up new worlds of understanding and reason. Most of the time, I don't see that happening. I see people screaming at each other in type. I see people doxing each other's private information. I see people forgetting that their targets are also people who can be hurt and damaged so easily. Or, maybe they do see them as people and just don't care.
It's easy to hate the people on the internet. It's easy to hate the people who say stupid things or do things to try to cause damage to others. It's easy just to type out something spiteful at them, easy to dismiss them, and easy to remind them they mean nothing.
It's easy, but it shouldn't be. We should always consider the consequences of our words, our calls to arms, and anything we believe to be a justifiable punishment for someone. These are real people, after all. And consequences can be fatal.
Friday, July 31, 2015
Thursday, July 30, 2015
Good Day
Normally when my roommate and I have to go find stuff at the stores, it's a big nightmare where we never find what we need and come home frustrated. Oddly enough, today, we found all the stuff we needed at one store. In fact, it was the first store we went to and the one in town. I'm just a little bit in shock that it was this easy.
I'm grateful it wasn't a pain. It was hot as hell last night and I didn't sleep well. I wasn't looking forward to a trip into the city to try and find stuff we might not even find. I wasn't exactly dreading the trip, but I wasn't happy about it either.
Later in the day, it started raining. This calmed the heat down some. It should be in the 70s tonight, which means I might get some decent sleep. I really need that. I'm very thankful for today.
I'm grateful it wasn't a pain. It was hot as hell last night and I didn't sleep well. I wasn't looking forward to a trip into the city to try and find stuff we might not even find. I wasn't exactly dreading the trip, but I wasn't happy about it either.
Later in the day, it started raining. This calmed the heat down some. It should be in the 70s tonight, which means I might get some decent sleep. I really need that. I'm very thankful for today.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Some Summer Perspective
So here is some perspective. I was reading over my blog from last year and realized that six weeks post-hysterectomy, I was utterly and quite seriously depressed. I mean, I've been down lately, but it is nothing compared to how bad things were last year. I was a wreck. Hormones and trauma and coming off of meds didn't make for a happy me. For days and days, I blogged about how depressed I was.
Recently, my summer depression has been back. It always shows up this time of year because heat, lack of sleep, and constantly being sweaty is a pretty awful time for me. I write about it some, but it isn't the constant dark cloud that it was last year. I really just went through the motions then. I honestly felt no hope or no real sense of purpose. All I could do was just force myself forward.
I still have bad days. I still have some horrible days. However, when the weather lets up just a little and I can sleep again, things ease for me. It doesn't make my emotional state 100% better, but it makes it SOME better. That helps a lot. Last year, I rarely got those better days. I would take my meds and wonder if they were helping, then kind of mentally shudder at the idea of how bad things would be if I didn't have them.
I know some people believe that being on drugs for depression won't help them. I would like for them to consider something. When we're depressed, we often focus on the external aspects of why we're sad. The people around us. The lack of people around us. Our homes. Our jobs. The state of the nation. And yes, all of these things can contribute to why we're unhappy.
However, we cannot change those things. We can't change other people. We really can't change the government. And for the other things, like jobs and lack of friends, and where we live, those things will not change easily. Sometimes, we can't change them at all.
The only aspect of all this that we CAN change is ourselves. Being on medication for your depression won't change the world around you, but it can alter how you feel about it. And honestly, if you wake up day after day and just feel awful about everything, why not try and alter the one thing you really can change?
Recently, my summer depression has been back. It always shows up this time of year because heat, lack of sleep, and constantly being sweaty is a pretty awful time for me. I write about it some, but it isn't the constant dark cloud that it was last year. I really just went through the motions then. I honestly felt no hope or no real sense of purpose. All I could do was just force myself forward.
I still have bad days. I still have some horrible days. However, when the weather lets up just a little and I can sleep again, things ease for me. It doesn't make my emotional state 100% better, but it makes it SOME better. That helps a lot. Last year, I rarely got those better days. I would take my meds and wonder if they were helping, then kind of mentally shudder at the idea of how bad things would be if I didn't have them.
I know some people believe that being on drugs for depression won't help them. I would like for them to consider something. When we're depressed, we often focus on the external aspects of why we're sad. The people around us. The lack of people around us. Our homes. Our jobs. The state of the nation. And yes, all of these things can contribute to why we're unhappy.
However, we cannot change those things. We can't change other people. We really can't change the government. And for the other things, like jobs and lack of friends, and where we live, those things will not change easily. Sometimes, we can't change them at all.
The only aspect of all this that we CAN change is ourselves. Being on medication for your depression won't change the world around you, but it can alter how you feel about it. And honestly, if you wake up day after day and just feel awful about everything, why not try and alter the one thing you really can change?
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Comfort in Reflection
We got the electric bill in today and it wasn't good. It's far higher than it was last year, as was last month. I know the average is going to increase, but there's really nothing we can do about that. The last two years have given us mild summers and this one isn't. The forecast always promises some relief but then swings back over the hundreds. We try to hold out as long as we can on using the AC, but usually past noon, it's unavoidable.
In a way, it will even out. We have to pay to have the lawn mowed and the grass is dying. Last year we had to pay for mowing until October. Maybe this year things will end with this month or maybe only one mowing session in August. It will give us a little more money to handle the electric bill increase.
A lot of the time, I get distracted with things and this blog is my way of remembering how things were a year (or several years) ago. I wanted to make note of this rough summer because it's important to know how the bills go and why they change. I'm not by any means chiding myself on having to use more power this year. Like I said, we hold out as long as we can before turning the AC on and turn it off as soon as it's tolerable to do so.
We never run it during sleeping hours, though I sometimes wish we could. My grandparents always would. They'd turn the AC on at night and we'd all sleep in the living room. When they woke up, they'd turn it off for a few hours, usually until 11 or so, and then basically just keep it on until the following morning. It's a nicer way to live, but I don't feel comfortable doing that. I don't think I could afford the bill and if the AC burns out, I certainly can't afford to get a new one.
It's moments like this when I'm thankful and rather humbled about how easy things were for me as a child during the years I live with my grandparents. They had their moments when they could be cruel or intolerant or unforgiving but for the most part, I was safe and comfortable. As an adult, I find that often have to choose either the safe path or the comfortable path in situations like this. And while I'll be brave about many things, I'm not going to gamble on burning out my AC.
In a way, it will even out. We have to pay to have the lawn mowed and the grass is dying. Last year we had to pay for mowing until October. Maybe this year things will end with this month or maybe only one mowing session in August. It will give us a little more money to handle the electric bill increase.
A lot of the time, I get distracted with things and this blog is my way of remembering how things were a year (or several years) ago. I wanted to make note of this rough summer because it's important to know how the bills go and why they change. I'm not by any means chiding myself on having to use more power this year. Like I said, we hold out as long as we can before turning the AC on and turn it off as soon as it's tolerable to do so.
We never run it during sleeping hours, though I sometimes wish we could. My grandparents always would. They'd turn the AC on at night and we'd all sleep in the living room. When they woke up, they'd turn it off for a few hours, usually until 11 or so, and then basically just keep it on until the following morning. It's a nicer way to live, but I don't feel comfortable doing that. I don't think I could afford the bill and if the AC burns out, I certainly can't afford to get a new one.
It's moments like this when I'm thankful and rather humbled about how easy things were for me as a child during the years I live with my grandparents. They had their moments when they could be cruel or intolerant or unforgiving but for the most part, I was safe and comfortable. As an adult, I find that often have to choose either the safe path or the comfortable path in situations like this. And while I'll be brave about many things, I'm not going to gamble on burning out my AC.
Monday, July 27, 2015
The Green Purse
When I was a child, I was surrounded by unhappy people. My mother went out of her way to make sure she was unhappy, with husbands no one should have married, with jobs she would be critical of, and by not allowing herself any kind of joy to compensate for all of that. She had addictions, but even her addictions were more fuel for her unhappiness.
My grandmother didn't have to go out of her way to find reasons to be unhappy. Literally nothing in her life was good enough for her. She criticized everything. She complained about where she lived and the vehicles she had to drive and the tasks she had to do. Never, even for a moment, was she grateful for the home she didn't have to pay for, the vehicle someone provided to her, or the fact that the tasks she did were do so in a safe and secure place. For my grandmother, there were no blessings.
Also, as a child, I operated under the assumption that I could do something to end the unhappiness of these people. I could behave better. I could entertain them. I could love them enough. Of course, it was impossible for me to make them happy. I was fat. No matter how good I acted or what I did or how much I made them laugh, the conversation would always, ALWAYS shift back to my flaws. There was a myriad of ways in which I displeased them. I would never be enough.
I think this impossible task of trying to please them is part of the foundation of the problems with my adult life. When you're not accepted or really loved unconditionally as a child, it's what you accept and expect as you grow into adulthood. Without knowing better, you assume this is how people are, That isn't far from the truth. There are millions and millions of people out there who are completely unhappy and think someone else is supposed to meet their demands of happiness.
However, instead of finding people who are close to what they want, they pick people who are broken and flawed. It's like wanting a blue purse and buying a green one because you're convinced you can slowly remove all the yellow pigment and make it blue. Past that, you spend all your time in frustration as the dye never changes when you could have A. learn to enjoy your green purse or B. just picked a blue purse in the first place.
My mother married a series of jackasses. I used to blame the jackasses, but I don't anymore. There was no deception on their part. She KNEW they were bastards when she married them, and yet, she did it anyway. Then she would spend her time being miserable because they weren't decent people. Why didn't she just pick a decent person to begin with?
On the flip side of this, over time, I've come to understand that you can't please everyone . . . or possibly anyone. If I met a man who wanted a girlfriend who cooked, looked good in dresses, and enjoyed stupid comedy movies, I wouldn't feel like I needed to conform to those things in order to make him happy. I would just accept that those aren't the things I am and tell him to have a nice life. I wouldn't judge him and I wouldn't judge me either. I'm the green purse and I'm okay with that.
There are some things in my life I've had trouble letting go of, things that have been with me since I was a young teen. I think it this aspect of my life has been part of my definition for so long that I've come to accept it and think it's beautiful and noble. All the while, it's held me back. It's so stupid too because it's something that I rationally know will never, ever happen. It's kind of beyond someone not wanting a green purse. It's more like I'm a green purse and they want a backpack. It's time to let go so that I can move forward.
My grandmother didn't have to go out of her way to find reasons to be unhappy. Literally nothing in her life was good enough for her. She criticized everything. She complained about where she lived and the vehicles she had to drive and the tasks she had to do. Never, even for a moment, was she grateful for the home she didn't have to pay for, the vehicle someone provided to her, or the fact that the tasks she did were do so in a safe and secure place. For my grandmother, there were no blessings.
Also, as a child, I operated under the assumption that I could do something to end the unhappiness of these people. I could behave better. I could entertain them. I could love them enough. Of course, it was impossible for me to make them happy. I was fat. No matter how good I acted or what I did or how much I made them laugh, the conversation would always, ALWAYS shift back to my flaws. There was a myriad of ways in which I displeased them. I would never be enough.
I think this impossible task of trying to please them is part of the foundation of the problems with my adult life. When you're not accepted or really loved unconditionally as a child, it's what you accept and expect as you grow into adulthood. Without knowing better, you assume this is how people are, That isn't far from the truth. There are millions and millions of people out there who are completely unhappy and think someone else is supposed to meet their demands of happiness.
However, instead of finding people who are close to what they want, they pick people who are broken and flawed. It's like wanting a blue purse and buying a green one because you're convinced you can slowly remove all the yellow pigment and make it blue. Past that, you spend all your time in frustration as the dye never changes when you could have A. learn to enjoy your green purse or B. just picked a blue purse in the first place.
My mother married a series of jackasses. I used to blame the jackasses, but I don't anymore. There was no deception on their part. She KNEW they were bastards when she married them, and yet, she did it anyway. Then she would spend her time being miserable because they weren't decent people. Why didn't she just pick a decent person to begin with?
On the flip side of this, over time, I've come to understand that you can't please everyone . . . or possibly anyone. If I met a man who wanted a girlfriend who cooked, looked good in dresses, and enjoyed stupid comedy movies, I wouldn't feel like I needed to conform to those things in order to make him happy. I would just accept that those aren't the things I am and tell him to have a nice life. I wouldn't judge him and I wouldn't judge me either. I'm the green purse and I'm okay with that.
There are some things in my life I've had trouble letting go of, things that have been with me since I was a young teen. I think it this aspect of my life has been part of my definition for so long that I've come to accept it and think it's beautiful and noble. All the while, it's held me back. It's so stupid too because it's something that I rationally know will never, ever happen. It's kind of beyond someone not wanting a green purse. It's more like I'm a green purse and they want a backpack. It's time to let go so that I can move forward.
Sunday, July 26, 2015
Treading Water
The weather continues to be evil. I saw some meme that said "Satan called. He wants his weather back." I think it's pretty fitting. It's nasty outside. It's not all that better inside, even with the AC on. Sleep is pretty difficult right now. We keep trying different fan configurations, but nothing is keeping me completely rested all night.
I'm not sure if it's the lack of sleep or just baby blues after finishing the book, but I've been in a pretty staggering level of depression the last few days. It's the kind that crushes me when I'm by myself and sucks the joy out of everything. It's been really painful and I hope it's on its way to fading. If not, it's going to be one long-ass summer.
When I'm depressed to this extent, it's like swimming in the ocean and finding nothing to grab onto. It's just this endless struggle of knowing you have to keep swimming but finding no justification for doing so. You see no land ahead of you. You see no boats to pull you in. Literally, there is nothing going on but the meaningless struggle, just aching, exhausting swimming for no purpose.
I understand that this is how depression works. I know that it greys out all the bright spots. In a rational way, I see the patterns. That certainly doesn't make them any easier to handle and really doesn't make them less believable. I looked at my journal the last couple of years and I know I was depressed during the summer then as well. Maybe it is just the heat and the lack of sleep. It's really hard to find a reason to be happy when you're constantly damp.
At some point, I really need to move to somewhere cold.
I'm not sure if it's the lack of sleep or just baby blues after finishing the book, but I've been in a pretty staggering level of depression the last few days. It's the kind that crushes me when I'm by myself and sucks the joy out of everything. It's been really painful and I hope it's on its way to fading. If not, it's going to be one long-ass summer.
When I'm depressed to this extent, it's like swimming in the ocean and finding nothing to grab onto. It's just this endless struggle of knowing you have to keep swimming but finding no justification for doing so. You see no land ahead of you. You see no boats to pull you in. Literally, there is nothing going on but the meaningless struggle, just aching, exhausting swimming for no purpose.
I understand that this is how depression works. I know that it greys out all the bright spots. In a rational way, I see the patterns. That certainly doesn't make them any easier to handle and really doesn't make them less believable. I looked at my journal the last couple of years and I know I was depressed during the summer then as well. Maybe it is just the heat and the lack of sleep. It's really hard to find a reason to be happy when you're constantly damp.
At some point, I really need to move to somewhere cold.
Friday, July 24, 2015
More Horrors from Purity Culture
After TLC dumped the Duggars, there was talk of making a spin-off show about the two married daughters and their husbands. According to reports, Jim Bob Duggar threw a fit about this because HE wanted to be on television, not his daughters. He stated that the good thing about the TLC show ending was that the focus had been on his daughters for too long and it should go back to being on him and message.
I think this is a pretty apt example of how this man thinks. Instead of being interested in promoting his children, he's angered by the thought of them being more popular than he is. It's not surprising. He is part of the purity culture that believes that the father/husband should always be the focus of things. Wives and children are just extensions of him. The ego is vast with this one.
Purity Culture, a movement that I assume was created by VC Andrews villains, just keeps getting worse and worse. This is one of the nastiest and most disturbing things I've ever read. If you ever think, even for a second, that this is a good idea for women or girls, just understand you're deeply wrong. This is incest.
Even before the outright sexual aspects of this began, the step-father was still in the wrong. The dynamic where girls are pushed to surrender their bodies to their fathers is creating a nasty situation where young girls who have no real ability to defend themselves. They are being systematically taken advantage of in the name of religion.
Any woman who willingly lets her daughter be a part of this should have her children taken away from her and sterilized. Any man who is willingly a part of this needs to be really honest with himself and realize he's a perverted egomaniac who is destroying the life of a young woman for his own sick pleasure. Even if he doesn't destroy her virginity, he's still destroying her autonomy and her innocence.
Though I suppose as long as he can justify it and doesn't outright take her virginity, it's all okay.
I think this is a pretty apt example of how this man thinks. Instead of being interested in promoting his children, he's angered by the thought of them being more popular than he is. It's not surprising. He is part of the purity culture that believes that the father/husband should always be the focus of things. Wives and children are just extensions of him. The ego is vast with this one.
Purity Culture, a movement that I assume was created by VC Andrews villains, just keeps getting worse and worse. This is one of the nastiest and most disturbing things I've ever read. If you ever think, even for a second, that this is a good idea for women or girls, just understand you're deeply wrong. This is incest.
Even before the outright sexual aspects of this began, the step-father was still in the wrong. The dynamic where girls are pushed to surrender their bodies to their fathers is creating a nasty situation where young girls who have no real ability to defend themselves. They are being systematically taken advantage of in the name of religion.
Any woman who willingly lets her daughter be a part of this should have her children taken away from her and sterilized. Any man who is willingly a part of this needs to be really honest with himself and realize he's a perverted egomaniac who is destroying the life of a young woman for his own sick pleasure. Even if he doesn't destroy her virginity, he's still destroying her autonomy and her innocence.
Though I suppose as long as he can justify it and doesn't outright take her virginity, it's all okay.
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Despair
A year ago today, I went to the radiation specialist to talk about my options. She was pretty sure about it not happening, which turned out to be the case. I read my blog post over this and recalled more details about it than I'd had floating around in my brain. I remembered how nice everyone was and how it was a lovely location. I remembered that everyone was kind to me. This did take my memory being jarred by the post thought. At least, unlike some other entries, I do have memories of it. As I mentioned before, a lot of last year is just gone.
Without prompting, what I mostly remember about this trip is the level of leaking I had going on. I soaked through every layer of protection and for a while, it really felt like it wasn't going to stop. When I got home and stripped out of my clothes, I felt so much despair about that. At the time, I had no idea how long the leaking would continue. It was possible it would be the rest of my life and I just didn't know if I could live with that.
It wasn't scary in the way that cancer had been scary. I knew this wouldn't kill me. At the same time, all of the benefits I thought I would experience without a uterus, like being able to stay with people, being able to not worry about my crotch, and being able to not spend tons of money on pads, looked like they were out of reach. I felt really horrible about it.
Even after all this time, after the leaking cleared up, and I've had several months without it, I still remember, quite vividly, how horrible it was. I felt so trapped by it. I worried I wouldn't be able to really be comfortable again. Those memories are some of the most vivid of last year and I really wish they weren't.
Without prompting, what I mostly remember about this trip is the level of leaking I had going on. I soaked through every layer of protection and for a while, it really felt like it wasn't going to stop. When I got home and stripped out of my clothes, I felt so much despair about that. At the time, I had no idea how long the leaking would continue. It was possible it would be the rest of my life and I just didn't know if I could live with that.
It wasn't scary in the way that cancer had been scary. I knew this wouldn't kill me. At the same time, all of the benefits I thought I would experience without a uterus, like being able to stay with people, being able to not worry about my crotch, and being able to not spend tons of money on pads, looked like they were out of reach. I felt really horrible about it.
Even after all this time, after the leaking cleared up, and I've had several months without it, I still remember, quite vividly, how horrible it was. I felt so trapped by it. I worried I wouldn't be able to really be comfortable again. Those memories are some of the most vivid of last year and I really wish they weren't.
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Music and Memory
I don't think I'll be writing much tonight. Mom's birthday is tomorrow and my heart and head are pretty full. For now, I think I'll just listen to some more music and exist on that.
Okay, I'll say one thing. Always share your music. Even if the other person doesn't like it, share it. None of us have the same taste, but sometimes even if someone doesn't like the song you share with them at first, they may like it later. They may never like it personally, but they might love it because they see it as a part of you. Share what music makes your soul full. It's a communication that will outlive you.
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Pain
Last year after my hysterectomy, the side of my body was jarred, pulled far harder than it should have been, and it caused insane levels of pain down that side of my body. In all of my life, I had never experienced something so physically agonizing. It was so bad that even with painkillers, I still felt so horrible that I wondered if I could even live.
After a while, the pain healed. In the months that followed, I experienced more physical pain as a result of the surgery though nothing as bad as those first few days. Eventually, that pain healed as well.
Recently I had a bout of sciatica issues and felt a lot of pain in my hip, rear, and lower back. I'd gone through sciatica before and knew it would subside after a while. It was painful, but as it was nowhere near as awful as those first few days out of the hospital. When I realized that, I just more or less hobbled through it, knowing I could endure far worse and that this would go away if I kept doing the stretches. Having this new perspective on pain is a great strength for me and, a year removed from the experience, I am grateful I went through it.
When it comes to pain and strength and various experiences, however, grateful is where I choose to remain. It is, as far as I am concerned, the least toxic response. My pain was my pain and my ability to heal from it is a remarkable and beautiful thing. I am blessed to have healed. It's something I will always keep in mind.
I think this is especially true because, on a daily basis, we deal with a lot of people who have not healed from their injuries. There are many people who have physical, emotional, and mental open wounds that, for whatever reason, just can't mend. The mending process is needed, but it isn't for someone on the outside to say when that should happen. Someone is still broke up over being raped? Why would you try and say they shouldn't be? Someone happens to still experience PTSD from their childhood? It is not your place to say when they can get better. Some wounds take a long time to heal. Some never do.
When wounds heal, they can give us great strength and perspective, but we should always remember this was hard won and be thankful for it. We should also be patient and gentle with those who are still healing. After all, one of the lessons learned from pain is to know what ache is like for others.
After a while, the pain healed. In the months that followed, I experienced more physical pain as a result of the surgery though nothing as bad as those first few days. Eventually, that pain healed as well.
Recently I had a bout of sciatica issues and felt a lot of pain in my hip, rear, and lower back. I'd gone through sciatica before and knew it would subside after a while. It was painful, but as it was nowhere near as awful as those first few days out of the hospital. When I realized that, I just more or less hobbled through it, knowing I could endure far worse and that this would go away if I kept doing the stretches. Having this new perspective on pain is a great strength for me and, a year removed from the experience, I am grateful I went through it.
When it comes to pain and strength and various experiences, however, grateful is where I choose to remain. It is, as far as I am concerned, the least toxic response. My pain was my pain and my ability to heal from it is a remarkable and beautiful thing. I am blessed to have healed. It's something I will always keep in mind.
I think this is especially true because, on a daily basis, we deal with a lot of people who have not healed from their injuries. There are many people who have physical, emotional, and mental open wounds that, for whatever reason, just can't mend. The mending process is needed, but it isn't for someone on the outside to say when that should happen. Someone is still broke up over being raped? Why would you try and say they shouldn't be? Someone happens to still experience PTSD from their childhood? It is not your place to say when they can get better. Some wounds take a long time to heal. Some never do.
When wounds heal, they can give us great strength and perspective, but we should always remember this was hard won and be thankful for it. We should also be patient and gentle with those who are still healing. After all, one of the lessons learned from pain is to know what ache is like for others.
Monday, July 20, 2015
Music for the Masses
Technology can be a beautiful thing sometimes. For me, this is most always true with headphones. I guess it should be, as I spend as much time as humanly possible with them. Right now, I used Skullcandy and they are so excellent. They're so clear and they pick up so many details about music that I honestly feel like I'm rediscovering my favorites all over again.
It's really a beautiful thing to get to do this. Mom's been on my mind lately and I've been listening to a lot of her old favorites. I'm seeing my best friend on her birthday. I thought maybe we'd listen to U2 and sing to the children. It's the least I can do, I suppose.
It's really a beautiful thing to get to do this. Mom's been on my mind lately and I've been listening to a lot of her old favorites. I'm seeing my best friend on her birthday. I thought maybe we'd listen to U2 and sing to the children. It's the least I can do, I suppose.
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Job Insecurity
For some reason, I've been reading a lot of articles about job insecurity. Not the lack of employment. People who live with job insecurity are employed. However, their employment is by no means stable. They work as freelancers or adjuncts or on short-term contract basis. And while there have always been certain jobs that functioned like this, the economy is heading toward a situation where it's even more that way, even with jobs that used to be full-time employment, with strong long-term contracts, benefits, and reasonable expectation of security.
I think the best example I can give of this is my brother and his wife. My brother is an RN and his wife is a special ed teacher. Fifteen years ago, when they were starting to plan their lives together, they both agreed that if they were going to invest in college educations, it would be for careers that would be secure. I remember my sister-in-law telling me how she couldn't fathom a world where people wouldn't want teachers and nurses. At the time, I agreed with her.
Now though, my brother's hospital is in a constant state of possibly shutting down. People get fired on a daily basis and everyone is fearful. This, of course, means that no one rocks the boat. No one asks for raises. No one asks for special time off. No one does anything to possibly jeopardize their situation because, at a fundamental level, they do not feel valued as employees.
In a society that bases a great deal of personal gratification in the concept of being good at their job and valued for it, this is taking a large toll on the psyche of the nation. I can't help but wonder if the rise of radicalized personal identity politics isn't the result of this. People CAN no longer define themselves by their jobs, so they have to do so by their political ideals.
I live in a fairly rural area with very few private schools, so in some ways my sister-in-law's situation is more stable than most public school teachers, but she still gets jacked around a lot. The teachers across the state basically have to riot to get the state government to give them enough money to function. Programs are cut all the time. Teachers are asked to have greater and greater numbers of students in their classes. Plus, she has to purchase most of her own supplies and gets very little outside support. And because the system is so stretched, again, like my brother, she can't easily ask for a raise or any considerations. Most of the value she feels from her job is based on public perception and we all know that grows less and less for our educators every day.
So now we have a society where most professional people begin their careers with tons of student loan debt and jobs that lack the security to even justify paying for their degrees. At the same time, more and more careers, many of which that used to just require some technical training, are now insisting on a BA at the very least. Jobs are insecure, to gain one will put you in debt, and the rest of your life will be spent in a state of fear.
I honestly have no idea why nation would view this as a safe way to treat its people.
I think the best example I can give of this is my brother and his wife. My brother is an RN and his wife is a special ed teacher. Fifteen years ago, when they were starting to plan their lives together, they both agreed that if they were going to invest in college educations, it would be for careers that would be secure. I remember my sister-in-law telling me how she couldn't fathom a world where people wouldn't want teachers and nurses. At the time, I agreed with her.
Now though, my brother's hospital is in a constant state of possibly shutting down. People get fired on a daily basis and everyone is fearful. This, of course, means that no one rocks the boat. No one asks for raises. No one asks for special time off. No one does anything to possibly jeopardize their situation because, at a fundamental level, they do not feel valued as employees.
In a society that bases a great deal of personal gratification in the concept of being good at their job and valued for it, this is taking a large toll on the psyche of the nation. I can't help but wonder if the rise of radicalized personal identity politics isn't the result of this. People CAN no longer define themselves by their jobs, so they have to do so by their political ideals.
I live in a fairly rural area with very few private schools, so in some ways my sister-in-law's situation is more stable than most public school teachers, but she still gets jacked around a lot. The teachers across the state basically have to riot to get the state government to give them enough money to function. Programs are cut all the time. Teachers are asked to have greater and greater numbers of students in their classes. Plus, she has to purchase most of her own supplies and gets very little outside support. And because the system is so stretched, again, like my brother, she can't easily ask for a raise or any considerations. Most of the value she feels from her job is based on public perception and we all know that grows less and less for our educators every day.
So now we have a society where most professional people begin their careers with tons of student loan debt and jobs that lack the security to even justify paying for their degrees. At the same time, more and more careers, many of which that used to just require some technical training, are now insisting on a BA at the very least. Jobs are insecure, to gain one will put you in debt, and the rest of your life will be spent in a state of fear.
I honestly have no idea why nation would view this as a safe way to treat its people.
Saturday, July 18, 2015
Nasty Weather
Uggh. It's past midnight and it's still hot and muggy. I somewhat doubt it's going to get cool tonight, which means sleep is going to be awful. It also means I probably won't even attempt bed for another couple of hours. That's just as well though. I have stuff to do.
This is the time of year when even the feeling of fabric is uncomfortable. Sheets feel awful. The chairs feel awful. My clothing feels awful. The worst part is that there is nothing I can do except just try and tough it out.
Not much of a post tonight. Like I said, it's just too nasty out there.
This is the time of year when even the feeling of fabric is uncomfortable. Sheets feel awful. The chairs feel awful. My clothing feels awful. The worst part is that there is nothing I can do except just try and tough it out.
Not much of a post tonight. Like I said, it's just too nasty out there.
Friday, July 17, 2015
Historical Context
Normally, I try my best not to get too offended by the memes that people post on social media, but if you read the blog often, you know that I sometimes fail at this. I usually don't see a point in arguing with the people who post the stuff, because I find them beyond hopeless. However, as this is my place to rant, I will speak here.
When marriage equality became the law of the land, people began to make their profile pics rainbow-tinted. As I blogged about before, this offended a lot of the haters because they really can't stand the idea of non-homosexual people supporting those who are. Many of their criticisms, complaints, and whining post-marriage equality have been directed toward allies.
One meme I've seen recently really pissed me off. Someone had taken that iconic picture of everyone heiling Hitler with the one guy who isn't and rainbow-tinted it except for the guy who isn't heiling. The caption is "Be this guy." I suppose the intent was that the plucky little righteous people should stand up to all the popular gay supporters and show how deeply cool they are by not participating. Yes, I realize I had some sarcasm in there.
This is one case where intent really doesn't matter though because the history connected with Nazis comes into play. Nazis hated German gays.They were routinely arrested and put into camps, just like Jews and anyone else the Nazis didn't like. They were often segregated from the general population and given very dangerous work assignments. A lot of experiments were done to them, in the hope of trying to find a 'cure' for homosexuality. Sometimes they were castrated.
So while the people who post that meme are trying to say that they are 'good' because they don't side with the 'bad people= Nazis,' what they miss is that the Nazis were far closer to their thinking on homosexuality. And probably if they unpacked a lot of the things they currently say and believe, they'd find they have quite a lot in common with the Nazis in many, many ways.
If they can see that the Nazis were evil for what they did, maybe it's time to take a good hard look at what that makes them. In the meantime, they should at least give some reflection to the historical context of a meme before they post it. Then again, these are the some of the same people who didn't process why waving a slavery flag to protest the visit of a black president was offensive.
When marriage equality became the law of the land, people began to make their profile pics rainbow-tinted. As I blogged about before, this offended a lot of the haters because they really can't stand the idea of non-homosexual people supporting those who are. Many of their criticisms, complaints, and whining post-marriage equality have been directed toward allies.
One meme I've seen recently really pissed me off. Someone had taken that iconic picture of everyone heiling Hitler with the one guy who isn't and rainbow-tinted it except for the guy who isn't heiling. The caption is "Be this guy." I suppose the intent was that the plucky little righteous people should stand up to all the popular gay supporters and show how deeply cool they are by not participating. Yes, I realize I had some sarcasm in there.
This is one case where intent really doesn't matter though because the history connected with Nazis comes into play. Nazis hated German gays.They were routinely arrested and put into camps, just like Jews and anyone else the Nazis didn't like. They were often segregated from the general population and given very dangerous work assignments. A lot of experiments were done to them, in the hope of trying to find a 'cure' for homosexuality. Sometimes they were castrated.
So while the people who post that meme are trying to say that they are 'good' because they don't side with the 'bad people= Nazis,' what they miss is that the Nazis were far closer to their thinking on homosexuality. And probably if they unpacked a lot of the things they currently say and believe, they'd find they have quite a lot in common with the Nazis in many, many ways.
If they can see that the Nazis were evil for what they did, maybe it's time to take a good hard look at what that makes them. In the meantime, they should at least give some reflection to the historical context of a meme before they post it. Then again, these are the some of the same people who didn't process why waving a slavery flag to protest the visit of a black president was offensive.
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
In the Flesh
I had coffee with my sister-in-law this morning. It went well. She told me about all the sheep they're raising right now. My mother would have approved of that. All the sheep seem to have their own strange little stories and I find that amusing. It was very hot today and it's made everything more difficult. I had to drive the van and it was so hot it burned my fingers a little.
I'm still feeling more WITHIN my body than I have in a long time. It's a neat feeling to have. Usually, I feel kind of swallowed up by my body, just lost somewhere within the depths of it. That's changing though and it makes me happy. I see this as a very positive step.
I read a really good chapter in my therapy book. It talked about how to understand the purpose of our basic emotions and how to own them. It's something I want to think more about. It will help me to become even more aware of my own experiences.
The writing is still happening. I'm trying to work out a difficult chapter right now. Hopefully I'll have it all plodded through by tomorrow.
I'm still feeling more WITHIN my body than I have in a long time. It's a neat feeling to have. Usually, I feel kind of swallowed up by my body, just lost somewhere within the depths of it. That's changing though and it makes me happy. I see this as a very positive step.
I read a really good chapter in my therapy book. It talked about how to understand the purpose of our basic emotions and how to own them. It's something I want to think more about. It will help me to become even more aware of my own experiences.
The writing is still happening. I'm trying to work out a difficult chapter right now. Hopefully I'll have it all plodded through by tomorrow.
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Cats and SIL
I'm going to have coffee with my sister-in-law in the morning. It's the first time I've seen her in a while. I've intended to, but she's busy and you know I'm rather anti-social so things often don't work for us. I'm excited about it though.
My sister-in-law and I don't have much in common, but I admire her a great deal. She's organized and somehow keeps track of the very busy life she leads. She tends to be positive and she loves my niece and nephew a great deal. She's giving them a good life and I think that's glorious. She also accepts me for all my weirdness and quirks. That means a lot.
It was hot again today. Hotter than it has been. That's probably the way of things for the rest of the month. I'm not happy about that. It means our electric average is going to go up for this year, but it can't be helped. It's been going down for a few years now, but there's no way we could survive this kind of heat. It's rough on us and rough on the cats.
Speaking of the cats, Ms. Tinkerbell found the AC today. She now spends some time up on the blanket chest beside it, which means she's spending time near me. I can pretend she's there because she likes me. It's not true, but I can pretend.
My sister-in-law and I don't have much in common, but I admire her a great deal. She's organized and somehow keeps track of the very busy life she leads. She tends to be positive and she loves my niece and nephew a great deal. She's giving them a good life and I think that's glorious. She also accepts me for all my weirdness and quirks. That means a lot.
It was hot again today. Hotter than it has been. That's probably the way of things for the rest of the month. I'm not happy about that. It means our electric average is going to go up for this year, but it can't be helped. It's been going down for a few years now, but there's no way we could survive this kind of heat. It's rough on us and rough on the cats.
Speaking of the cats, Ms. Tinkerbell found the AC today. She now spends some time up on the blanket chest beside it, which means she's spending time near me. I can pretend she's there because she likes me. It's not true, but I can pretend.
Monday, July 13, 2015
Internet Weirdness
The internet was off for over an hour again today. It's been off, for at least an hour or so, for days now. We may have had one of two days in the last week where it stayed on consistently, but only a few. This kind of thing annoys me to no end. As I've written before, I believe in paying for a service, not in the potential of getting a service. I know that sometimes things break, but days and days of interruption of service is unacceptable.
Here's an odd thing though. When the internet first went off, I was playing a game and trying to accomplish a certain task with it. When it came back on, I started the game again. I did a few other things before going back to that task. As soon as I started it, the internet stopped again.
In the meantime, I did my best to write. As I knew it would be, the back portion of the book is requiring the most detail and commitment from me. I'm thinking through chapters as I rest. It's possible I could be finished by the end of the week.
Here's an odd thing though. When the internet first went off, I was playing a game and trying to accomplish a certain task with it. When it came back on, I started the game again. I did a few other things before going back to that task. As soon as I started it, the internet stopped again.
In the meantime, I did my best to write. As I knew it would be, the back portion of the book is requiring the most detail and commitment from me. I'm thinking through chapters as I rest. It's possible I could be finished by the end of the week.
Sunday, July 12, 2015
Generalized Complaining
It's really hot now. It's the kind of hot where I just can't get comfortable. Even when the AC is on, it's still never exactly cool. I loathe summer, but I think we all know that.
Other than being hot, my weekend went well. I wrote a lot and spent part of today structuring the last part of the book. It will change in the process, but at least I have a working idea.
Hot and writing are about my only happenings right now.
Other than being hot, my weekend went well. I wrote a lot and spent part of today structuring the last part of the book. It will change in the process, but at least I have a working idea.
Hot and writing are about my only happenings right now.
Saturday, July 11, 2015
Progress and Summer Woes
Tomorrow I'll be starting the final portion of the book I'm working on for Nano in July. I know this part is going to go more slowly because I have more long and involved action sequences and I tend to gloss over those in my head. The outline through this part is sketchy and I need to get it fleshed out and logical.
I'm not too the point of emotional exhaustion with it yet, but I'm getting close to it. The last push for Nano is always the roughest part. Books need conclusions though, so we'll see.
Today wasn't easy on me. It was really humid and I was having heat issues. There was also a high level of summer bugs bothering me. I hate having the doors open for that reason. I didn't sleep well last night either. Hopefully that will improve tonight.
I'm not too the point of emotional exhaustion with it yet, but I'm getting close to it. The last push for Nano is always the roughest part. Books need conclusions though, so we'll see.
Today wasn't easy on me. It was really humid and I was having heat issues. There was also a high level of summer bugs bothering me. I hate having the doors open for that reason. I didn't sleep well last night either. Hopefully that will improve tonight.
Friday, July 10, 2015
The Emily Dickinson Effect
The movie about Amy Winehouse is out and Amanda Palmer wrote a post over it. She talked about how she was really grateful that she never became a massively popular rock star because the industry is so horrible about destroying its own. I see her point and I know it's true, but I also find that very depressing.
Why is it that we won't let artists just be artists? Why is it that they have to be hounded and chased and scrutinized? Some will say that's just the price one pays for fame, but why do we find that acceptable?
I think Amanda Palmer is one of the best artists currently working. I probably listen to one or more of her songs every day and view her as one of the top three people I would love to see in concert. My favorite album of this year is actually an album she did several years ago that I just found.
And yet, I know she gets tons of pushback from people every day. Trolls bother her. People criticize her. Some asshole went on her husband's blog and stated that Amanda was only famous because she was married to him and fequently got naked. It's offensive and it's complete bullshit.
So she has to walk this fine line of being an artist and trying to be open and be herself, but also worry about all the hell that such things can bring. I think one of the things that bothers me about this the most is that there are tons of people who have so many stories and songs and gifts to share with the world, but the world is such a fucking scary place, they just feel it's better to hide it away.
Why is it that we won't let artists just be artists? Why is it that they have to be hounded and chased and scrutinized? Some will say that's just the price one pays for fame, but why do we find that acceptable?
I think Amanda Palmer is one of the best artists currently working. I probably listen to one or more of her songs every day and view her as one of the top three people I would love to see in concert. My favorite album of this year is actually an album she did several years ago that I just found.
And yet, I know she gets tons of pushback from people every day. Trolls bother her. People criticize her. Some asshole went on her husband's blog and stated that Amanda was only famous because she was married to him and fequently got naked. It's offensive and it's complete bullshit.
So she has to walk this fine line of being an artist and trying to be open and be herself, but also worry about all the hell that such things can bring. I think one of the things that bothers me about this the most is that there are tons of people who have so many stories and songs and gifts to share with the world, but the world is such a fucking scary place, they just feel it's better to hide it away.
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
Openness
Last night's post was very difficult to write. I felt really vulnerable afterward and a big cringy about the whole thing. Even after a year and understanding why the process had to happen, it still feels a bit nightmarish to remember how hopeless I felt at that time.
Sometimes it's hard to come onto the blog and be open about things. I do it because I know how important this process has been to reclaiming both my writing voice and also my sense of self. It also helps me to keep track of things and as I age, I'm going to need that more and more.
The writing is going well, which is to say I'm keeping up with it and making my daily totals. The story seems to have a reasonable plot and so far I'm happy with things. I'll be out most of tomorrow though, so I should try to get some extra writing done before I go to bed.
Sometimes it's hard to come onto the blog and be open about things. I do it because I know how important this process has been to reclaiming both my writing voice and also my sense of self. It also helps me to keep track of things and as I age, I'm going to need that more and more.
The writing is going well, which is to say I'm keeping up with it and making my daily totals. The story seems to have a reasonable plot and so far I'm happy with things. I'll be out most of tomorrow though, so I should try to get some extra writing done before I go to bed.
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
The Time of Humbling
One of the delayed reactions to my surgery last year was that I started to leak. It wasn't urine. It was lymphatic fluid coming out through my stitches. Still, it was coming out through the stitches located in my vagina, so to anyone who noticed, it would have seemed like urine. Even to this day, I don't see why I was so fixated on that detail.
Last year taught me a lot of things. I learned what it was like to fear for my life. I learned what it was like to be told I have cancer. I learned what absolute god-awful pain felt like. And after allllll that was finished, I learned a new level of humility. And trust me, there is nothing like a steady stream of liquid coming from your crotch to teach you to be humble.
At first I thought I could handle the leaking with pads, but soon figured out it wasn't enough. I wasn't gushing liquid, but it was a steady enough stream to where a pad wasn't going to last very long. I poked around on the forums and realized I only had one option here. I had to ask my roommate to get me some adult diapers.
That wasn't easy. Even though I knew it was something a lot of people had to do, it was hard to admit that I was now one of those people. It was scary too because I had no idea if this was going to be temporary. It was possible I'd be wearing these things for the rest of my life. I felt really out of control and desperate. One of the things that got me through the surgery was the thought of not having a period anymore and being able to just go through life without having to worry about crotch leakage.
The really, truly humbling part came when I put the diaper on for the first time. It was very comfortable and I felt so safe and relieved about everything. I realized that all the prideful issues I was having had really been over bullshit concepts of who I was supposed to be. I needed this thing and it was going to make my life easier. Having negative feelings about it was just stupid. The diapers weren't a symbol of anything. They were a sanitary resource to help make my life more functional.
After a while, my body healed enough that the leaking stopped. I was able to just go about life like I used to. It was very freeing and eased my mind a lot. In a way though, I'm grateful for the lesson in humility. I think that may help me to choose practicality over pride when I make decisions in the years to come.
Last year taught me a lot of things. I learned what it was like to fear for my life. I learned what it was like to be told I have cancer. I learned what absolute god-awful pain felt like. And after allllll that was finished, I learned a new level of humility. And trust me, there is nothing like a steady stream of liquid coming from your crotch to teach you to be humble.
At first I thought I could handle the leaking with pads, but soon figured out it wasn't enough. I wasn't gushing liquid, but it was a steady enough stream to where a pad wasn't going to last very long. I poked around on the forums and realized I only had one option here. I had to ask my roommate to get me some adult diapers.
That wasn't easy. Even though I knew it was something a lot of people had to do, it was hard to admit that I was now one of those people. It was scary too because I had no idea if this was going to be temporary. It was possible I'd be wearing these things for the rest of my life. I felt really out of control and desperate. One of the things that got me through the surgery was the thought of not having a period anymore and being able to just go through life without having to worry about crotch leakage.
The really, truly humbling part came when I put the diaper on for the first time. It was very comfortable and I felt so safe and relieved about everything. I realized that all the prideful issues I was having had really been over bullshit concepts of who I was supposed to be. I needed this thing and it was going to make my life easier. Having negative feelings about it was just stupid. The diapers weren't a symbol of anything. They were a sanitary resource to help make my life more functional.
After a while, my body healed enough that the leaking stopped. I was able to just go about life like I used to. It was very freeing and eased my mind a lot. In a way though, I'm grateful for the lesson in humility. I think that may help me to choose practicality over pride when I make decisions in the years to come.
Monday, July 6, 2015
Acts of Kindness
My sister-in-law's friend's son is having a lot of expensive health issues and the family doesn't have the money to cover them. They've had no choice but to ask for donations.
Today, my sister-in-law did a charity auction for them. She auctioned off fried pies every hour for about ten hours. She did this all on her own. She managed the auction, she cooked the pies, and she'll be delivering them. Every cent she made will be going to the family. The woman with the sick child watched the auction and expressed her gratitude and sense of awe over what happened. I don't blame her. When health issues happen, someone doing nice things for us can make such a difference. I know it did when I was dealing with my cancer.
I'm very proud of my SIL. She's an amazing woman and I am so fortunate to have her as part of my family. She not only helped these people financially, but her generosity will probably be one of the bright spots for them on dark days.
Today, my sister-in-law did a charity auction for them. She auctioned off fried pies every hour for about ten hours. She did this all on her own. She managed the auction, she cooked the pies, and she'll be delivering them. Every cent she made will be going to the family. The woman with the sick child watched the auction and expressed her gratitude and sense of awe over what happened. I don't blame her. When health issues happen, someone doing nice things for us can make such a difference. I know it did when I was dealing with my cancer.
I'm very proud of my SIL. She's an amazing woman and I am so fortunate to have her as part of my family. She not only helped these people financially, but her generosity will probably be one of the bright spots for them on dark days.
Sunday, July 5, 2015
Logic and Allies
After marriage became legal for everyone, those who opposed it seem to have found a new target. They're attacking people who aren't gay, but still support gay rights. We've been accused of a lot of things, mostly of only going along with the whole 'gays should be treated like humans' because it's trendy. In other words, they're trying to discredit us by making us sound shallow.
I get the motivation. It's one thing for 'those gay people' to want things. They're clearly immoral and few in number. However, when 'some straight people' start becoming their allies, suddenly those against it see it as having more impact. Now they seem to want to chip away at the supporters as best they can.
A few days ago, a gentleman posted 40 questions for Christians who support gay rights. Some of the questions were deeply insulting. For instance, some implied that if you supported gay rights, you should support incest and pedophilia too. I found the tone of the questions to be really snide and, as a whole, they gave off that same feeling of 'you're just trying to be trendy."
Thankfully, a person with a great deal of Biblical knowledge and a level head answered the questions. His response is here. I'm sure he won't change the minds of anyone who thought smug things about the first 40 questions, but who knows? Maybe he'll open up someone's heart.
I get the motivation. It's one thing for 'those gay people' to want things. They're clearly immoral and few in number. However, when 'some straight people' start becoming their allies, suddenly those against it see it as having more impact. Now they seem to want to chip away at the supporters as best they can.
A few days ago, a gentleman posted 40 questions for Christians who support gay rights. Some of the questions were deeply insulting. For instance, some implied that if you supported gay rights, you should support incest and pedophilia too. I found the tone of the questions to be really snide and, as a whole, they gave off that same feeling of 'you're just trying to be trendy."
Thankfully, a person with a great deal of Biblical knowledge and a level head answered the questions. His response is here. I'm sure he won't change the minds of anyone who thought smug things about the first 40 questions, but who knows? Maybe he'll open up someone's heart.
Saturday, July 4, 2015
Forth
I actually intended to write last night, but I got really involved in a movie and forgot about it. I made my writing totals for both days. This means I can successfully write for four days in a row. We'll see how things go two weeks from now.
Anyway, it's the 4th. I kind of wish they'd require people to have a sobriety/sanity/stupidity test before they're allowed to buy fireworks. That won't happen because this is America. Nevermind that my tree almost caught on fire.
We had a lot of errands yesterday and it exhausted both of us. The weather is muggy and nasty right now. I'm doing my usual summer complaints, I know. Happy Forth.
Anyway, it's the 4th. I kind of wish they'd require people to have a sobriety/sanity/stupidity test before they're allowed to buy fireworks. That won't happen because this is America. Nevermind that my tree almost caught on fire.
We had a lot of errands yesterday and it exhausted both of us. The weather is muggy and nasty right now. I'm doing my usual summer complaints, I know. Happy Forth.
Thursday, July 2, 2015
Perceptions
A few months ago, I became FB friends with a woman who knew me when I was a baby. She and my mom were really close when I was in my under five years. In fact, her and her husband at the time (a second cousin of my father's) lived with us for a while. I'd not spoken to her in years and years, but it was good to know she was still around.
Today I posted something about being younger. She responded to the post and also messaged me privately to talk about it. In summary of kind of both, she told me how she had been terrified of children and didn't even know if she could be around one, but I was so much fun as a baby, that I actually made her want to have kids.
In a lot of ways, I thought this was really funny because the idea of ME encouraging anyone to have children is just so off the mark. Then again, this was before I had opinions about such matters. I was purely and simply just me. She knew me and loved me at this time before I really had any conception of needing to DO things or act certain ways for those things to happen. And yes, I realize we're not supposed to have to EARN love, but it's easy to forget that. Society basically tells us we have to.
However, it's neat to be reminded that people can love you and see your value without you having to do anything on purpose to try to earn it. The cool thing about the people who love you this way is that their perception of you never really changes. That's really an incredible thing.
Today I posted something about being younger. She responded to the post and also messaged me privately to talk about it. In summary of kind of both, she told me how she had been terrified of children and didn't even know if she could be around one, but I was so much fun as a baby, that I actually made her want to have kids.
In a lot of ways, I thought this was really funny because the idea of ME encouraging anyone to have children is just so off the mark. Then again, this was before I had opinions about such matters. I was purely and simply just me. She knew me and loved me at this time before I really had any conception of needing to DO things or act certain ways for those things to happen. And yes, I realize we're not supposed to have to EARN love, but it's easy to forget that. Society basically tells us we have to.
However, it's neat to be reminded that people can love you and see your value without you having to do anything on purpose to try to earn it. The cool thing about the people who love you this way is that their perception of you never really changes. That's really an incredible thing.
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Thoughts on Mom
This is my mother's birthday month and as always, I'm thinking about her a lot. I wish I could say it was good thoughts, but it isn't. In fact, I've been pretty angry at her for the last few days.
I guess with most people, you're going to find a lot of complexity and contradictions. My mother, to look at her, seemed like the most unconventional woman she could be. She rarely wore makeup and had hair that was impossible to style. If she did anything to it at all, it was just to put it up in a bun. She wore whatever shoes would last the longest and were most comfortable. She owned some dresses, but she hated them. On a day to day basis, she was either in overalls or jeans and a t-shirt.
My mother could plumb, paint a house, drive a tractor. There was, really, nothing she couldn't do within the skillsets we normally associate with traditional males. She was independent in many ways. She really didn't need anyone else.
And yet . . . emotionally, she was as weak as she could be. She let men run all over her. She let them hurt her. She let them hurt us. She let them drive us from her home. She let them monopolize her time. She let them humiliate her and degrade her and destroy her life.
To this day, I just don't get it. She didn't NEED men. She literally did not need them at all. She was always the breadwinner. She was always the one making the decisions. She did everything. Every man she had in her life was useless and brought her nothing. If anything, they just destroyed what she'd built.
It frustrates me that this was her life. It frustrates me and it offends me. It frustrates me and offends me that she wasn't a better role model. It frustrates and offends me when people act like they don't need Feminism when I'm in my 40s and remember all too well how women my mother's age just lost basically everything because they were taught they needed someone else to validate them when they did not. They did not. THEY DID NOT.
It's going to be a rough July.
I made my daily writing totals.
I guess with most people, you're going to find a lot of complexity and contradictions. My mother, to look at her, seemed like the most unconventional woman she could be. She rarely wore makeup and had hair that was impossible to style. If she did anything to it at all, it was just to put it up in a bun. She wore whatever shoes would last the longest and were most comfortable. She owned some dresses, but she hated them. On a day to day basis, she was either in overalls or jeans and a t-shirt.
My mother could plumb, paint a house, drive a tractor. There was, really, nothing she couldn't do within the skillsets we normally associate with traditional males. She was independent in many ways. She really didn't need anyone else.
And yet . . . emotionally, she was as weak as she could be. She let men run all over her. She let them hurt her. She let them hurt us. She let them drive us from her home. She let them monopolize her time. She let them humiliate her and degrade her and destroy her life.
To this day, I just don't get it. She didn't NEED men. She literally did not need them at all. She was always the breadwinner. She was always the one making the decisions. She did everything. Every man she had in her life was useless and brought her nothing. If anything, they just destroyed what she'd built.
It frustrates me that this was her life. It frustrates me and it offends me. It frustrates me and offends me that she wasn't a better role model. It frustrates and offends me when people act like they don't need Feminism when I'm in my 40s and remember all too well how women my mother's age just lost basically everything because they were taught they needed someone else to validate them when they did not. They did not. THEY DID NOT.
It's going to be a rough July.
I made my daily writing totals.
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