The Time of Humbling

One of the delayed reactions to my surgery last year was that I started to leak. It wasn't urine. It was lymphatic fluid coming out through my stitches. Still, it was coming out through the stitches located in my vagina, so to anyone who noticed, it would have seemed like urine. Even to this day, I don't see why I was so fixated on that detail.

Last year taught me a lot of things. I learned what it was like to fear for my life. I learned what it was like to be told I have cancer. I learned what absolute god-awful pain felt like. And after allllll that was finished, I learned a new level of humility. And trust me, there is nothing like a steady stream of liquid coming from your crotch to teach you to be humble.

At first I thought I could handle the leaking with pads, but soon figured out it wasn't enough. I wasn't gushing liquid, but it was a steady enough stream to where a pad wasn't going to last very long. I poked around on the forums and realized I only had one option here. I had to ask my roommate to get me some adult diapers.

That wasn't easy. Even though I knew it was something a lot of people had to do, it was hard to admit that I was now one of those people. It was scary too because I had no idea if this was going to be temporary. It was possible I'd be wearing these things for the rest of my life. I felt really out of control and desperate. One of the things that got me through the surgery was the thought of not having a period anymore and being able to just go through life without having to worry about crotch leakage.

The really, truly humbling part came when I put the diaper on for the first time. It was very comfortable and I felt so safe and relieved about everything. I realized that all the prideful issues I was having had really been over bullshit concepts of who I was supposed to be. I needed this thing and it was going to make my life easier. Having negative feelings about it was just stupid. The diapers weren't a symbol of anything. They were a sanitary resource to help make my life more functional.

After a while, my body healed enough that the leaking stopped. I was able to just go about life like I used to. It was very freeing and eased my mind a lot. In a way though, I'm grateful for the lesson in humility. I think that may help me to choose practicality over pride when I make decisions in the years to come.