Despair

A year ago today, I went to the radiation specialist to talk about my options. She was pretty sure about it not happening, which turned out to be the case. I read my blog post over this and recalled more details about it than I'd had floating around in my brain. I remembered how nice everyone was and how it was a lovely location. I remembered that everyone was kind to me. This did take my memory being jarred by the post thought. At least, unlike some other entries, I do have memories of it. As I mentioned before, a lot of last year is just gone.

Without prompting, what I mostly remember about this trip is the level of leaking I had going on. I soaked through every layer of protection and for a while, it really felt like it wasn't going to stop. When I got home and stripped out of my clothes, I felt so much despair about that. At the time, I had no idea how long the leaking would continue. It was possible it would be the rest of my life and I just didn't know if I could live with that.

It wasn't scary in the way that cancer had been scary. I knew this wouldn't kill me. At the same time, all of the benefits I thought I would experience without a uterus, like being able to stay with people, being able to not worry about my crotch, and being able to not spend tons of money on pads, looked like they were out of reach. I felt really horrible about it.

Even after all this time, after the leaking cleared up, and I've had several months without it, I still remember, quite vividly, how horrible it was. I felt so trapped by it. I worried I wouldn't be able to really be comfortable again. Those memories are some of the most vivid of last year and I really wish they weren't.