An Annoying Friday

My evening was ruined by the internet company. I had plans of things I wished to do and the internet company ruined that, as it is wont to do. I'm really tired of their awful service.

Honestly, it isn't JUST the fact that the internet goes out that sucks. It's how you have to wade through ten minutes of crap on the phone before they even put you on the waiting list of people who need to tell them about their internet problems. Why is 'internet service issues' the LAST thing on the menu when almost everyone is going to be calling you for that reason.

The electric company has a dedicated phone number to outages. You call and connect at once. They ask for your location and report the outage. That's all it takes. I realize there are rare occasions when the internet is messed up because of something happening in someone's house, but most of the time, it's something the company is screwing up. They know this. We know this. Everyone knows this.

Anyway, it's on now, obviously, but I shouldn't have had to wait 5 hours. Again.

One Year Later

A year ago today was a very frightening and lonely day for me. My roommate was in the hospital, we were still reeling from the death of Rhiannon, and a lot of stuff was up in the air. I wasn't the sick one, so I'm sure the day was harder for him by a long shot. For me, it was just a lot of having to force myself to focus on tasks and not let my mind wander about things I couldn't control.

Today was very different. My roommate is not on the verge of death. We were in the city and had a good time. He'd picked me up from visiting my best friend. We've lost another cat, Rowan, but gained our little Millie. Things feel better.

For about the last couple of weeks, I've been, for me, very balanced where my anxiety is concerned. Even my Depression has been on a downswing. It's been nice.

I am thankful my roommate survived.
I am thankful he is part of my life.
I am thankful Camilla found her way to us.
I am thankful for the tulips in the yard.

Nails

I tried a new technique on my nails today and it did not work. Later this evening, I removed the polish and did something I knew I could handle. I'm not upset about it. I didn't take the time I needed to let it dry properly. It wasn't the technique. The problem was my lack of time management.

I like that the nails are starting to become something I'm more comfortable with handling. They're not painted daily, but often enough to where I'm getting a lot of practice in. Like with the makeup thing, I'm learning more about what colors look good on my skin.

As I close out the night, I have on what my roommate called 'old lady mauve' and he's honestly not wrong. I like the color though. I guess either old lady just works with my skin tone or I'm starting to get some old lady sensibilities. I'm strangely good either way.

Arm of Scars

The wound on my arm is almost healed. The deepest part of it is taking the longest, but I guess that shouldn't be surprising. When I fell, that part instantly turned blue. The damage was a lot deeper than in the surrounding tissue. It's going to leave a scar, which will be the fourth scar I have on this arm.

I have one on my ring finger from dropping a weight on said finger when I was 4. I ended up in the ER for that and got my first stitches. I have a scar on my forearm from trying to bathe a cat. I didn't go to the ER that time, though I probably should have. The cut was deep. And of course, my whole upper arm has a scar from when they removed the lipoma.

Now I'll have a new scar near my elbow, round(ish) this time instead of a line. It will be my lasting reminder of this fall and my lasting reminder of the consequences of trying to keep my feet warm in this godawful cold house. But hey, at least my arm wasn't broken.

Human Worth

The big protest against assault weapons happened this weekend so of course, my FB page is full of people arguing about it. I have no problem with people having handguns and the like. I do have a problem with people vilifying teenagers who were shot at. I've been snoozing people all day.

Later I read this article about Brendan Fraser and how broken, literally, the movie industry had left him. It's a good article, well written and very sad. I wish the man well and I hate that the person who messed with him is being such a bastard about it.

We keep having to have this conversation, this argument, this war about the value of a person. There are enough resources for everyone, but we deny certain people access to them because we value money and power over others. We value our sense of safety over others. We value our momentary pleasure over others. It's wrong.

I've not seen the third Mummy movie Fraser talked about where he was in so much pain, and now I'm not sure if I should. This man was in constant agony while shooting this movie but kept going because he felt he had no choice. It's heartbreaking. Like I said I wish him well.

Spring in Oklahoma

We're in that part of the year when we're leaving Last of Winter and heading into Awful Sinus Hell for a few weeks before Could Possibly Flood all the Roads begins. Somewhere in the midst of that, we also have tornado season, well the first one.

I got my last box from Sephora in. This one had purple lipstick that I rather like, but as you'll notice, I've not blogged about them in a while. I don't know why I stopped, I just did. I do know why I'm ending the subscription. I am somewhat overwhelmed with makeup right now. Samples last a lot longer than you'd think.

I'm glad I did it. I learned a lot. I distracted myself from the grief. I needed that and now I don't think I do.

Anyway, I do encourage people to do the same thing. Maybe not order makeup to experiment with, but perhaps something else you are curious about, something that will distract you from your pain. I know many people believe you should confront grief head on, but let's be practical here. You still have to live You still have to get to sleep. You still have to function.  Distraction is sometimes the best of medicines.

It was a DAY

Today was difficult where dice rolls were concerned. Technologies of various levels did not work with us. Neighbors were annoying. Unplanned trips had to be made.

There were good dice rolls too. We found what we needed while out. We found a very good place to get shrimp. One of us got a business issue handled. We were both, in our various ways, badasses.

Being the Companion

Today my roommate had an appointment and I was his companion. I wasn't even that active of one. I mostly just rode along and talked to him. I was, in no way, being put out here.

And yet, on several occasions, he apologized to me because of the trip. His appointment went longer than expected. The place we went to get food was disorganized. An errand ran longer than expected. The thing is, none of this was his fault and I knew it. There was no reason for him to apologize.

The thing is, if this had been just a trip of mutual errands, he wouldn't have. We would have commiserated about the disorganized fast food joint and the annoying errand. However, because it was his appointment that sparked the trip, there was almost this thought that everything that went wrong was his fault.

I hope I wasn't acting like it was his fault because I know better than that. I also know WHY he felt compelled to apologize because I would have probably done the same thing before this last year. When someone would take me on one of my doctor's appointments, especially one of the ones to Tulsa, I would feel almost cringy about anything that went wrong. Finally, however, my best friend pointed out to me that if she hadn't wanted to take me, she wouldn't have.

When you go with someone to an appointment, you accept the role as Companion. It's an important role to take because any kind of medical appointment has the potential to go scarybad. You are there to be the person who eases the other one through the scarybad, the mundane, or just whatever goes on. If you're not willing to do that, well, as my best friend said, just don't go.

So no, when someone accepts the role as your Companion, be grateful to them and happy they're with you, but don't keep apologizing for what's going on. They knew it was a medical thing going in. They knew it was possible this could take a while. That's all understood.

And if you are the person who chooses to BE the Companion, then be supportive and understanding. That way if the scarybad news does happen, you can give them the emotional help they need.

Net Issues

My internet is being difficult so I'll keep this brief. I am healing. Spring is here. I'm okay. More tomorrow.

Strange Outings

I have these vague memories of spending time with strangers when I was a child. Actually, in some cases the memories are vivid. There were always different people, neat locations I never went to again, and odd tension between them and my mother. Try as I might, I really can't piece together what was happening.

One time my grandparents took us to this house somewhere in the general area. I somewhat think I know where it is, but every time I go to that location, I can never really find it. I know these people had money and lived on a hill in a brick house. It had a circle driveway and lots of pine trees.

I got the impression my mother was there to meet these people's son. I think maybe the son lived with them, but I'm not sure. It's just all so strange because maybe they were supposed to be on a date, but at the same time, my grandparents were there. I know that at some point, we watched a movie with used car salesmen who were putting naked women on the cars to sell them. If this WAS some kind of date, that's a very strange movie to watch with a woman and her little kids.

Another time happened when my mom had moved us to Colorado. We were with this couple who had two daughters. They left us outside and we were wandering around, perhaps an apartment complex? I know there were lots of duck ponds and fountains. I'm not sure what Mom was doing with these people. I remember she was tense, but trying to stay relaxed. I know she was trying to impress them. I also guess it didn't work because we never saw them again.

The strangest one and perhaps the one I wonder about the most is this friend she had when I was a kid. I don't remember who this friend was, but I know she had a son. I liked him and I think we would kiss each other, even though we had to be under 5 because my brother hadn't been born. We would also play connect four and listen to Alvin and the Chipmunks. He had blue superman PJs and we planned to get married when we were older. I don't even remember his name.

While the first two only happened once, I remember going to see this little boy and his mom a lot. There may have even been a routine to it. Then one day it stopped. That part doesn't surprise me, really. Other than maybe two people, my mom was really bad about making friends, then getting angry at them and never speaking to them again. Usually, they didn't do anything. It would just be one of those days when Mom's mental whatevers were worse than the other days and she would decide to be offended.

So yeah, in my childhood, there are quite a few of these disconnected memories where I have really clear insight into and then just blank spaces that would have given me some kind of context. At this point, there isn't even anyone to ask.

Depression and Chemicals

I watched a video the other night about a woman who was Depressed. She discussed how accepting her situation was not easy because she had what she saw as a good life. She said she would spend a portion of every night relating all of the good things in her life, all of her successes, and remind herself she should be proud and happy.

What people often miss about Depression is that it isn't going to change just because your situation changes. No amount of success, love, comfort, or ease will cause you to suddenly be not-Depressed. This is about the chemicals in your brain. This is about understanding what they are doing and recognizing the patterns.

A lot of people don't like the idea of going on meds for their mental condition. I understand that. Most people don't like the idea of medical dependence. However, this is something that needs to be fixed, the same way you would take meds to help lower blood pressure or deal with your sinus issues. Meds are needed to help the chemicals get sorted.

The trick is, they don't fix it completely, and that is where the therapy comes in. In therapy, you learn the signs of your condition. You learn ways to talk to yourself when stuff gets bad. You learn how to cope with it. Most importantly, you learn that in some ways, this is just how your life will be from now on. There will be the good days and there will be the imbalanced days. On the rough days, you acknowledge that things aren't as they should be and try your best to keep going.

The way I've learned to cope is by applying the Japanese concept of Kintsugi. When pottery is broken, instead of throwing it away, they fill in the cracks with a mix that contains dusted gold, silver, or platinum. The idea is that breaks, cracks, and flaws should be celebrated as part of the history of the object, helping to create its unique story. They call this 'the art of precious scars.'

That's how I choose to see my life. It has breaks, cracks, flaws, ohhh, so many flaws. But all of those things help to build my unique life story, my moments, and my ME. My mental illness, bad decisions, moments of horror, and various points of heartbreak are part of me, just like all the nice moments. All are valuable.

Also, clearly this is a day when the Depression is not that strong.

St Patrick's Day Blah

I'm tired and it's been a long day. The cats made a lot of noise and there has just been, in so many ways, so much noise. It's time for the peace and quiet of my bed.

The Slow Progress Continues

In the last couple of days, I've tried to do more of the usual stuff I tend to do around the house. Mind you, that's never MUCH, but it was more than I could manage while my arm was still really messed up. As the bruises fade, so does the pain. I'm still not back to doing all the stuff I used to do, but some of it.

The increased activity and my allergies are leaving me very exhausted. I had to take some deep naps today in order to really function and I still don't feel that great. Just kind of blah, mostly.

Maybe in a few weeks, things will be better.

Reflections on RPDR All Stars 3

The race is over again. I'm happy for who won and I understand why she did. That aside, I wanted to reflect on some thoughts I had during the season. I'd also like to point out that I wasn't really happy with the pacing of this season. We had a lot of the same kind of challenges over and over again, which didn't really reflect on the range of talents we find in the queens who competed.

I believe the person I was most impressed with was Aja. Aja took every mistake she made in her regular season and turned it around. I never felt like she did poorly, even when she was eliminated, I felt like it was the wrong choice. She impressed me more than anyone else and was the person who should have come back into the game.

I believe some people just don't translate well to this competition. Milk and Thorgy are talented but I don't think their brand of talent works well for Drag Race. The energy is wrong. Outside of it, they're probably great. On television, they just don't shine the way others do.

Most of all, I think that the key to winning a competition like this is viewing every challenge as a gift. Even if you don't like it, even if it seems hard, even if you have no clue as to what to do, you really have to just see it as a gift and go with it with that in mind. It's the best way to get through.

Marching On

We're heading toward the middle of March and that is going to be weird this year. Last year, the last part of March was the second verse to a very difficult dirge for my household. The first part happened when I had to take Rhiannon to the vet to be put to sleep. This second part as when my roommate got very ill and had to be hospitalized. I worried I would lose him too. I didn't, though we had a last verse to the song yet to come.

Things are different this year. We have a new cat, though I sometimes wonder if Camilla will stay with us once it's warm outside and she can find cracks in the screen doors that never quite close properly. I'm typing with stronger, longer fingernails as I've started learning to take care of and style them. I'm also recovering from my fall, the most serious one I've had in a long time. It's actually a big blessing that I didn't end up in the hospital myself. I'm really bruised up and cut in some places, but nothing broke.

My roommate and I have lived together since I was 28. In that time, we've survived major illness, learned to live with chronic ones, survived surgeries, taken in 7 cats (Julian, Salem, Rowen, Rhiannon, Alice, Tinkerbell, and now Camilla) and grieved the loss of 5 of them. He's also fed a lot of outdoor cats, birds, bees, and the occasional skunk and possum.

I realize I tend to function in a state of slight dread, but tonight I'm rather good. I'm grateful for the cats and other animals that have touched my life. I'm grateful for a mostly quiet and content household. I' even grateful Spring is almost here. I probably won't be when it gets hot, but for tonight, I am.

Back to Life

It was a week yesterday since the fall. My arm is still bruised and a cut is still trying to heal. There is a lot of recovery ahead, but I'm doing my best to get back to my life. I drove my roommate to the store today. I couldn't help bring things in yet, but driving was a step. Perhaps this time next week, I can help the way I used to.

On Wednesday, I plan to do my part of the trash. I couldn't do it at all last week but this week I believe I can. That is one more step towards having my life back.

My roommate has really had to help a lot and I'm very thankful for that. He's exhausted though. Neither of us is ever that healthy and when one of us falls out of circulation, things get tough.

Hopefully, however, things are on the mend.

Minor Progress

 One of the more validating aspects of people being more forthcoming with issues of mental or physical illness is a discussion about the difficulties (and sometimes impossibilities) of self-care. When you're ill, you are almost always exhausted. Healing is exhausting. When you're like this, tending to your basic needs can be challenging. Some people lack the ability to cook for themselves. Houses don't get cleaned. Bodies also don't get cleaned and as taboo as this can sometimes be to talk about, it does need to be talked about.

After the fall, I really didn't trust my balance or strength to try to shower. We don't have a bathroom really equipped for handicapped people. I have to use my arms a lot to ensure stablity as I'm getting in and out of it. With my right arm out of commission, I knew I would be risking other falls until I could get some healing. Until then, I would clean myself up as best I could without showering.

Today, I decided to try it. My arm isn't fully healed, but I knew the movements that still cause intense pain wouldn't be involved in a shower. I managed to survive, although I had quite a few challenges, including a cat that decided she needed to sit on the side of the tub and supervise me.

When I finished, I was deeply exhausted. Not as bad as I was a few years back when I would have to shower in the midst of all the bloodhell, but almost that much. It wasn't more than I could handle, but it was close.

HOWEVER, I'm glad I did. I'm glad I'm clean again. I feel more normal than I have in a while. So yay! This is progress.

Grr

Daylight Saving Time starts tonight. I hate this. I hate losing my hour. I hate getting up earlier.  I hate more sunlight. It just does not agree with me. A lot of states are considering leaving us in this time forever. I almost think that would be better because while I do love winter time, at least I wouldn't have to dread this every year.  Sigh.

Arm Update

I now have a long, dark purple bruise on the front side of my arm. It showed up today and while it doesn't hurt as much as other parts of my arm, if I lay it against anything for too long, it starts to ache. Of course, this is the arm I mouse with.

The bruises on the back of my arm are more pronounced as well, though the ones on my elbow look better. The hole in my arm is still trying to heal. At least, I think it is.

For the first time since the fall, I went outside today and drove. I did okay, but I was super exhausted by the time we got home. So . . . progress?

RIP

My brother called me and told me our mother's husband was dead. He then told me to do with that information what I would. He knows we weren't close. At the best of times, we just tolerated each other. Though it was barely that, to be honest.

He survived my mother by just over ten years, living on land given to her by my grandparents. He lived there because my brother let him and because he really had no other place to go. I think my brother felt like he was the last link to our mother, perhaps it was her last wish to have him there.

I realize I sound unfeeling here but there is reason. This man wasn't the worst husband she ever had, but he certainly wasn't a gem either. He was emotionally abusive to her. He was a dick about all of her ideas. He thought he knew best when he knew nothing about this area, these people, or our lives. I like to think she would have eventually come to her senses and kicked him out the door, but she was with him for years before she died, so I guess that's actually unlikely.

My body is responding strangely to this. I don't feel like myself. I guess I mostly feel bad because my brother is having to handle all of this. He always liked the man more than I did. I have no idea why. Then again, he always bought into mom's propaganda more than I did.

I don't know. Maybe I feel weird because it is one last connection to my mom that is now gone. I just feel odd.

Despite all of my personal issues, I do wish him peace now that he's gone. Hopefully he'll find good things in the next life.

Purple

I had a lot of trouble staying asleep last night. My arm was aching in various places. Other parts of my body weren't happy either but the arm was the worst. When I woke up, the bruises had settled into a deeper shade of purple and joined up to create, in some places, one larger bruise. It looks like the shock to my system is wearing off and the real pain is settling in.

Despite that part, all the potential bleeding places look somewhat better. No infections yet and maybe some actual start to real healing. My head is less woozy too and that is always a good sign. So more pain, more purple, but perhaps more progress? I hate falls.

Slow Progress

I've been doing my best to keep my arm in motion. Not all the time, of course, but every few hours. Some positions are okay. Some hurt a little. A couple of positions feel like I'm being stung by a million bees.

I spent the rest of the day just being really tired. I think the shock is wearing off and the real hell of this is setting in. I'm healing, but it will be an ordeal. At least I got decent sleep. Sleep does wonders for making this better.

Quick Update

I loved how my roommate put this whole situation. He said I got into a fight with the floor and it won. That's basically the truth. The floor started it though! In the light of day, I have a better assessment of my injuries.

My right arm has several bruises on it, most of them located near the elbow. There is also a nasty cut on my elbow where the carpet ate several layers of skin. Both wrists hurt, though I assume my left wrist is hurting because of all the extra support it's having to do to compensate for my right arm's lack of strength right now.

I have several bruises on my toes and knees. My hips hurt (but they could just be wanting their usual attention, and my stomach is still jarred from all the violent movement. I'm eating but nothing tastes that great. I think my body is still kind of in shock.

The worst part is my head. I knocked my head on the floor and my nose is swollen. It may still bruise. I'm still kind of woozy and don't feel responsible enough to drive or do anything complicated/dangerous like that. Walking isn't fun. I'm having to go slowly and hold on to things so I can steady myself.

Hopefully the healing will be quick.

And Again

While trying to avoid tripping over part of the metal stripping in the kitchen, another portion of it caught my shoe and sent me tumbling down. This wasn't one of my easy falls. I landed on my right arm and the pain was almost blinding for a while. It was seriously bad. I got up from it, but my arm is killing me and I feel woozy.

So blog posts, activities, and plans for this week are all up in the air. It's just going to depend on how I recover from this.

Adventure Ron

If you follow the blog, you know that one of the things I enjoy doing in Sims is torturing Ron Weasley. In just about any new pack I get, I put Ron through it early on to see how he'll cope. He usually starts with no skills and no money because this is about how Ron Weasley would start out adult life.

When I started Jungle Adventure, I actually tried it with a Sim who had skills. She did well, but too well. She tended to always make the right decisions and how fun is that? I decided that Ron needed a go so I put him in his best Indiana Jones cosplay and handed him a sharp object. What could go wrong?

I am pleased to report that Ron is not dead. We came close a couple of times, but I've managed to keep him alive. In the meantime, however, he has been:

• stung by bees
• frightened by spiders
• electrocuted by fireflies 
• cursed
• marked for death
• poisoned 4 times
• set on fire countless times
• chased by bats
• hit by darts
• turned into a skeleton for a week
• electrocuted by traps
• soiled himself several times
• nearly starved

I can't even begin to explain to you how much fun I am having. Oh and despite all of that, Ron is successfully working his way through this jungle. 

March

March is here and it's already not fun. Allergies are up in my area while friends of mine in other places are still dealing with snow storms. Our rivers are high and nasty looking. Soon the grass will start growing and thus the cycle of mowing it. I truly hate my yard. I know other people like having them, but I get no pleasure from mine. It's just expensive and difficult.

I'm just joyous, huh?

Shipped but not Handled

At my size, especially with breasts as big as mine, bra purchases are always difficult. I can't just walk into a store and select a bra. Everything has to be ordered and even then, the selection is very limited. Admittedly, it's gotten a little better over the years, but I still have a lot of trouble.

Today I got one of those orders in. One package had NO bra in it at all. The other package had a bra 3 sizes too small for me. This was really frustrating. I realize a lot of people's orders go wrong, but I'd been looking forward to the new bras. My roommate handled the bit where you have to send it back for me. It was all a mess.

I won't be ordering from this company again. They screwed up several parts of this order and I just don't feel inclined to give them another chance. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that it's so illogical to be neglectful to a market that is basically open and in need of service. Stuff like that just always jumps on my nerves.