You know, sometimes, I really think we're missing some critical aspects of our educational system. Okay, we're missing a lot of the, but I'm talking about in terms of social skills. As that is not the case, I would like to discuss some possible references for future clueless people. This was my inspiration.
THE ZEROTH LAW: Never put anything online or in a text that you don't want the whole world to see.
The reason I put this even before number one is because it should be something we always keep fresh in our minds. At any point, everything we write or publish can come back to haunt us. People can post our emails or texts or naked pictures. If you're okay with this, no worries. Everyone has a different level of what they're comfortable with the rest of the world knowing.
Never expect privacy. There are billions of ways your stuff can get out for everyone to see. Either own that or keep it offline. Now, should people be kind enough NOT to post all your weird emails and naked pictures? Yeah, probably. But don't expect it.
What you put out there is your responsibility. If you don't want people reading it or seeing it, don't give them access.
RULE ONE: Emails should be short.
I'm not sure when this idea escaped people, but it never should have. Emails should never take more than a few seconds to read. If more clarification is needed, another email can be sent.
Every sentence should convey direct meaning. Emails, even personal ones, can follow the basic rules of business writing. Give succinct details, nothing more.
I kind of think it works out to this. With rare exception, the first five sentences of any email can be assumed as sane. Past that, your perceived sanity decreased 2 points per sentence. As you can see, people get into the Bat Shit Crazy fairly quickly.
RULE TWO: Any hard and fast lesson on human behavior has to be filtered through common sense.
Pop psychology and quickie relationship guides are all the rage. On any given day, you can find tons of articles about men/women/relationships/behaviors. Some of these have great information. Others have to be taken with a grain of salt.
For instance, never take any guide over the meanings of physical communication behaviors to be set in stone. In our article, the guy, on several occasions, talks about how the woman was leading him on because she "played with her hair a lot and made a lot of eye contact." Okay, sometimes this has flirty meaning. But not always.
I play with my hair a lot. It's a habit. I curl it around and around my finger. And, sometimes, actually, most of the time, I do this when I'm alone. Clearly, I'm not flirting with anyone. More disturbing, my niece has the same habit. I really hope no one thinks she's flirting with them because of that. She's three.
As for the eye contact thing, there are many reasons why people do that. Some people make lots of eye contact because they've been taught (or just have the general inclination) to look in people's eyes as a way to establish trust. Other times, which seems closer in this case, people may be making eye contact with you because they're trying to find out at what point you plan on going postal.
RULE THREE: Even if someone really hurts your feelings, never demand they apologize to you.
This isn't to say you don't have a right to state you were hurt. You can. This isn't to say you can't speak as to why their behavior led to you being hurt. You can. State how you feel. Get it out there.
Their apologizing should be of their own accord. And unless they have some vested interest in you or a situation concerning you, that apology may never come. If they truly believe that their behavior was wrong or if they are truly sincerely remorseful that you were hurt, they will apologize. If they're not, then it's just words, so why bother?
RULE FOUR: You can not logic someone into emotions.
I have to admit, this was a hard lesson for me to learn. There have been a couple of people in my life that I (mistakenly) believed to be the perfect match for me. I could give them hundreds of logical, rational reasons why.
You can't talk people into wanting you though. People either have an attraction or they don't. People either enjoy your company or they don't. There is no amount of arguing you can do to change that.
An example. Think about the most boring person you know. Now, imagine that boring person wanted to talk to you for three hours. At first you'd try to be polite and attentive to the conversation. A few minutes later, you'd start to experience a kind of mental pain. This leads your mind to going into protective mode and tuning them out. Even if you try as hard as you can to stay attentive, the total disinterest you have in what they're babbling about is making you want to do just the opposite.
Nothing will change this. No amount of logic on their part or will on your part is going to make them any less boring to you. It's just not going to happen. Even if you wanted it go, it won't.
I guess this is always the part that frustrates me about people who grow angry when the person they love SO MUCH just doesn't love them back. Look, I've been there. Most of us have been there. But past high school, if someone isn't showing actual interest in you after a couple of months, accept this and let it go. Life's too short to be an obsessive stalker.
RULE FIVE: If you have trouble in social situations, invest in some training.
Okay, for the love of god, don't let that training have anything to do with becoming a pick up artist. PUAs are skeevy rapey fuckers whose tricks only work on the deeply drunk, insecure, and/or dumb. There is a world of difference between having social grace and being full of shit.
However, some training with a therapist or a communications specialist might help. There are people out there who can guide and educate you on how to interact with others. And there is no shame is taking such training. None at all. Social skills are just that . . . skills. Some people have more talent with them, but anyone can pick up the basics.
As a final note, I would like to say that many of the comments about the example article were totally against the woman who published this email. They pointed out that she should have told him she wasn't interested in him instead of saying nothing and just hoping he would catch a clue. They have a point. It is polite to inform the person that you're not interested.
However . . . her failure to inform him of her intentions does not change the ways in which he reacted to the situation. If he would have followed some basic rules (like the ones I pointed out in this here blog), we would never have heard of this situation.
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