Jesus Loved Sophie Best

Let me tell you, Coach is so full of shit that the last two times he was on Survivor, his obnoxiousness was so extreme that I actually stopped watching the show. I thought I would give him a chance this time. I almost wish I hadn't.

Coach has spent the whole game using motivational techniques perfected by Charles Manson and Jim Jones to carve together his little cult of believers.  As much as I hate the man, I have to admit he's done a good job.  He talked Ultrageek Cochran into switching sides so that he could go out in seventh place instead of sixth place. Not sure how that seemed like a good idea.  He also talked half of his tribe into ignoring their own best interests to follow his agenda.  He's a total rat bastard and if he'd just admit to that, I'd be cool with him.

Instead, he spouts all this bullshit about honor and being a warrior and being a Christian. I have no problem with honor, warriors, or Christians, but other than warriors, I'm not sure any of it has any business on Survivor. It really gets icky when you toss in people like Brandon.

I dislike Brandon, but I have to admit that there is a possibility that he has some mental issues. I'm thinking Survivor might want to up the requirements on their psych evals. Brandon should have never been allowed on this show.

I've talked about Brandon and his various issues before.  He thought the sexy woman was being sexy to tempt him so she should be kicked off the island . . . even though she was so not interested in him and never would be. He couldn't hold lies or schemes together.  He had crazytime outbursts at tribal council. During all of this, he was either belligerent or crying.

Over all, this made him the perfect flunky for Coach.  Coach lied to him all the time and use religion as a way to manipulate and control him. Coach went so far as to pray that they find an immunity necklace, all the while having it on his person.  When he displayed it, Brandon seemed convinced this was some kind of miracle.

Of course, Coach saw no problem with this. Controlling Brandon was needed for his gameplan. Controlling Brandon with religion and speeches about loyalty and honor seemed to be the way Coach functioned in the game. Here's a clue. If you lie to people using the word "honor" and if you manipulate and control others for your own personal gain by claiming to do it in "honor," you are NOT an honorable person. You're a scumbag.  Just fucking admit it and move on with your life.

However, admitting to his scumbaggery is just too deep a level of honesty for Coach. Instead, he allowed his warped views and Brandon's misguidedness to lead to one of the most horrible examples of "Christians" on TV I've ever seen.

Brandon was due to leave the island, though he didn't know this. Coach was tired of him though and felt he had the best chance of any of them to beat Ozzie at the Redemption Island game. When Brandon won immunity (all the while pointing up the the sky and thanking Jesus for favoring him over the other four), Coach worried that somehow Jesus wasn't on his side anymore.  He wan't sure how to deal with this.

The drama erupted back at camp.  This always happens when you have an alliance who has made it to the end but is having to do away with its own members.  The people at the bottom of the list suddenly get sulky and sullen because they tagged along with people like Coach instead of finding their own plots and ways to win the game.  Anyway, that one dude who's name I can't remember, the Scheming Chesty, pissed Brandon off and everyone decided to get rid of him.

But then Brandon had a moment of clarity.  He realized that the Bible (or so he assumes) says some stuff about how when you're playing a reality show game and someone lies to you, you should do stupid things and assume Jesus will protect you.  In this case, he figured that meant giving Chesty his immunity necklace so they could vote off the last woman on the tribe (Jesus doesn't want women to win things anyway, after all).

He goes to Coach and tells him about his new revelation and that Coach, as he knows "God speaks to Brandon" should go along with it. Coach says he isn't sure but promises he will pray about it.

Coach does pray. He makes like this big deal about praying, going through some big motions all afternoon. Then he says, with hurtfilled eyes, that Jesus kept telling him one name over and over again. He knew what he had to do.

On that tribal council, Brandon gave his idol to the other dude and proclaimed that Jesus would protect him . . . and he got voted off. Then, I'm sure, he thought Jesus would have him win the Redemption challenge. Redemption, is, after all, a word invented by Jesus. It was a SIGN!

He lost.

In the end, Coach, Sophie, and Chesty....um....Albert, I think.....were the final three.  Coach spouted his usual pompous bullshit. Albert (I think) oiled like a used car salesmen. Sophie was emotional, but gave what was probably a fairly honest assessment of her game.  Coach seemed smug and sure that his manipulations would hold true.

He lost.

Despite all the praying, despite all the pointing up to the sky, despite all the weeping, big doe-eyed looks into the camera, appeals to the higher powers, and toothachingly saccharine speeches about honor and warriors, and faith . . . the person who disgusted everyone off the LEAST was the person who won.

To me, that's always the key to Survivor.  Outwit, outlast, outplay . . .yeah, all of that is great.  But in the end, you need to be the person who everyone finds the least horrible. You need to be the person who isn't getting eye rolls and snorts of annoyance. You need to be the person who did enough stuff to be able to claim a level of game play, but not so much stuff that everyone wants to rip out your eyes.

This season, that person was Sophie.  It's actually harder to do this as a woman, as people tend to judge women on shows like this harshly. However, she had the luck of being up against to of the most smarmy and slimy players out there.  She sounded sincerely humbled when she spoke to people at the end.  Best of all, she dropped the bomb on one of Coach's scams. She had ammo and she used it.  This is how she won.

Or, you know, maybe Jesus just liked her best.