Other Paths

I read an article about a person who believed themselves to be a benign stalker. They felt they loved this other person, though the other person had made it quite clear, over and over, they did not return this affection. At one point, the person being stalked had to call  the police on the stalker (who was shocked, of course). At another point, the stalker came up with a plot to ask the object of their affection if they would agree to to be fake-kidnapped for a few days. The person being stalked freaked out when they say the stalker and never even heard about the kidnapping plan. This was probably for the best.

For those of you who are picky about grammar, yes I know I was using plural pronouns. However, I wanted to mask the gender of the stalker and the person being stalked as best I could. Both stalkers and the victims of stalkers are common in both genders. This is one of those problems that can strike just about anyone.

I know I've written about this before, but it should be written again. Perhaps again and again. Love isn't forced. Either you love someone or you don't. Either someone loves you or they don't. There is no logic or manipulation or threat you can use to change this. If someone doesn't love you back, as much as this hurts, start the process of accepting they aren't the right fit for you and move on. This is nothing against them and nothing against you. Some people just aren't compatible.

I don't say this without experience. There have been a couple of times in my life when I loved someone who didn't love me back. It hurt, yes. I ached. I obsessed. I thought about all the logical reasons why they should be with me. I prided myself on being a great catch on lamented why society had convinced them to be so shallow. I also kind of cringe when I think about this now. It embarrasses the hell out of me that I was this illogical and obsessive.

The truth was, I was not suited for these men. I wasn't the kind of person they found attractive and there was nothing I could do to change that.  Even if there were some things I could have done to put the odds more in my favor, I don't think it would have made a difference. Besides, I honestly wasn't willing to do that stuff. I wasn't a great catch then and I certainly am not now (unless someone is just seriously attracted to laziness, scars, fat, and sarcasm).

And you know what? Even though I never found this kind of traditional love that many people find (and I used to think I wanted), I'm fine with that. I found other paths. I realized that there is a great bliss in living a life where you aren't objectified. I realized that being single doesn't mean you have to be lonely. It also doesn't mean you have to live alone.

I know my path doesn't suit everyone and I am not claiming it is better than other life choices. I'm only saying that it was the best choice for me. And I will say that being single certainly IS better than living a life of romantic uncertainty. It is better than always worrying if this person is going to leave you or if they are lying to you or wondering when they will realize how much they love you. That kind of obsessiveness is a constant hell. If you're in that, I hope you can find a way out of it. I really do.