Test Results and New Emotions

I got the results from my lab tests back. I am, as of now, cancer free. That might change in the next three months, but for now, cancer free.

When I received this news, I experienced an emotion that was somewhere between relief and joy. It was very intense and sudden. It hit me so hard that I almost cried. The funny thing is, while I knew I was concerned about the results of this test, I didn't realize just how truly nervous and frightened I was about it. Being told I was cancer free was like being let out of a cage. I didn't even know what to do with myself. Really, I'm still somewhat in that state.

I suppose if there is any upside to the torrent of horrible emotions you have to process during this kind of thing, it is moments like the one I had today.  I've been joyful before. I've been relieved about stuff before, but never, ever like this. It was profound. I'm not sure I could have felt this kind of relief without first experiencing all the hellish uncertainty before it.

Things could go sideways again. I could regrow some cancer or develop it in some other part of my body, but I haven't done it yet. For right now, things are okay. For right now, I am okay. I can sleep without fear and doubt. I am so damned thankful for that.