The Things You Lose

I was talking to a friend who follows my blog and she suggested I might have PTSD after everything that has happened this year. I know that PTSD gets thrown around a lot, but I think after all the bleeding, fear of death, poking, prodding, and scars, she may be correct. I've probably even talked about it in the blog since then, but you know how that goes. I repeat myself a lot.

I decided to do some research about the PTSD after hysterectomy, and while one doesn't cause the other, doctors admit that usually the reasons that one needs a hysterectomy are pretty traumatic (cancer, lots of bleeding, internal organs a wrecked mess) and once you finally get it, you still may not feel safe. When you add in the hormonal issues, pain, and various drugs you end up taking, it's kind of the perfect mix for post traumatic stress.

I think two of the biggest issues for me right now are not feeling like myself and a lack of creativity. I've blogged a lot about my issues with feeling disoriented in my own body. This is a continual issue with me lately. Things always feel different, odd, and unfamiliar. Sometimes just walking through the room feels wrong. It's like my gait had changed, how I carry myself.....and while I know both of these things are both good and positive, it's still enough to sometimes throw me off-balance.

As for my creativity, it's just gone. I've been trying to finish a simple, crocheted hat for weeks now. This is a hat pattern I can usually finish in a night. But I just can't force myself to do it. And it would be forcing because my creative drive is, well, pretty dead. My imagination feels broken and any skills I have feel lost to me at the moment.

Maybe I've just used up too much energy right now. Maybe I am just so drained from everything that has happened that I just don't have anything else to give. To be honest, sometimes even just getting through the day and talking to people is more emotional work than I can handle. There are times when I just can't be on. I feel myself shutting down, more and more. I really hope this is just because so much has happened, but sometimes I worry that it isn't.

As always when I have questions about this process, I lurked on the hysterectomy forums to see if other people are going through this as well. I'm not unique in my experience. So many people feel like they're not themselves now. Many people feel like they can't seem to find a grip on how to function within  the confines of their lives. Some people find that even with the hormone replacement therapy, they cry a lot. They mourn. They ache.

This time last year I was starting a huge creative phase. I was working on the zombie head for the Halloween party. This was the start to many projects to follow. My mind and hands were busy and I was very happy. If I tried that now, I would probably just sit there and stare at the head in front of me and never finish it. I just don't have it in me right now.

Will the change? I honestly don't know. I hope it does. Being creative has always been the cornerstone of who I am. Losing my ovaries was a lot easier than the idea of losing that. It will probably just take time. I just need to ride it out, take care of myself in the most gentle way possible, and continue to heal.