Melting

The snow finally started melting today. That doesn't mean it will melt completely, but at least it's a start. I'm really wanting a clear path for the taking out of trash tomorrow. We'll see how that goes. We usually take it out around noon, so maybe. I just don't want to fall on my ass and break anything . . . like my ass.

I've added a bit of ritual into my night. I'm watching Toonami Aftermath for a few episodes of this and that at night now. It's fun because it reminds me of being in my 20s and still having some hope for the future. Hah! Perhaps it's just more of my midlife crisis, which is honestly going better than my mid-midlife crisis.

Back when I was in my early 20s, like, 21 or 22, I went through what I called The Big Nothing. It's when I was facing the reality that I didn't want anything out of life. I didn't want a family or kids. I doubted I would get a job that made me happy or get to write the things that would make me feel fulfilled. I got really depressed about this and felt like I'd hit some wall of reality. What was left? Just existing? Drugs? I honestly had no idea.

So I've spent 20 years since then just kind of . . . well, drifting and searching for things. Or, you know, most of the time, NOT searching. Most of the time, I was just trying to subsist in as much comfort as I could manage in the moment and be somewhat entertaining to those around me.

Is the Big Nothing still there? Yeah, it is. But, I've come to accept it. It's more of a comfort to me now. Sure, I have goals and stuff now, but they're not huge things and I know they won't make me happy. I make me happy.