Happy Halloween

We watched a pretty good/campy horror movie and had banana cake. We also talked about the universal connections of primitive music. I drank bourbon and coke.

It was a good Halloween. 

Making your Happiness

 All of my life, I've been around 'until . . .' or 'when . . .' or 'if only . . .' people when it comes to happiness. These people use those phrases, and actually think those thoughts, when it comes to being happy. They think things will be better when THIS happens or if THAT would happen. Then they can be happy.

The most frustrating thing about said people is that it doesn't matter if those things happen or not. They were always still miserable. My grandmother, for instance, wanted to move to town all of my young life.....until she moved to town. Then she wanted to move back to the country. 

There are people who are completely unhappy if they're not doing something, but then completely unhappy when they go do that thing. They pick it apart. They focus on all the flaws. Nothing is ever enough for them. Nothing is ever satisfying for them. 

I know I can unleash my innermost demons on this blog sometimes. Sometimes I want to claw off my skin. However, I also know that happiness isn't some conditional thing that will happen WHEN a set of situations or stars or perfect numbers suddenly arrive for you. Happiness is something you have to work at, every day. Happiness and joy are things you have to find in what is around you. And yes, I realize that is a statement of privilege because yes some people are in seriously horrible situations. 

I'm not saying you should try to find happiness if you're being tortured. I'm saying you should try to find some happiness if your life is more or less decent and you're just feeding yourself on misery chemicals. 

The truth is. You won't be any happier if you move to that place or that person makes all the changes you want or you make all the changes you want or you get more money or you get to go to all of those places you resent not going to. None of that will make a difference unless you first train your brain to see the positive, enjoy the moments, and find contentment. Otherwise, even if all that stuff DID happen, you'd still just pick it apart and want something else. 

Changing Things Up

I watched some stuff on making more successful videos the last couple of nights. I'm going to try a couple of tips when I do my next project. I started it a little today, but my heart just wasn't in it. We'll move along as we can.

Halloween in Saturday and the election is Tuesday. By Wednesday we'll either be breathing easier or accepting our fates, I guess. 

Beyond that? Who knows? For now, I'm going to focus on just trying to keep things going.  

Box Themed

I had this dream that I was tasked to pull bloody tampons out of 120 wooden cubbies. I have no idea why the tampons were in there, but they were. Most were still wet enough to drip blood when I pulled them out.

After removal, I had to wrap each one in toilet paper and put it in a sack for pickup. I have no idea who was picking them up, but there was a deadline on it and I was close.

Oh and of course, things kept interrupting me. People would bother me to complain about things. People would show up and scream at me about needing to do this task, even though I was literally doing it front of them. The chair I was sitting on broke. Past that I just had to sit on the floor and try to finish. I woke up before I ever did. 

It was a very nasty little stress dream.

On a better note! The box has been taken by FedEx.

Holding Pattern

The unwanted box will be out of the house tomorrow (hopefully) and the unexpected box will continue its sojourn in the living room until we sort out where it will go. I'm fine with that. I'm really over all the drama this has caused. 

Another thing we needed to be done is proving not to get done. I'm annoyed about it because it involved people connected to me. Said people have had some issues happening, but at the end of the day, this is a clear sign that I'm not a priority to them. 

I'm actually less mad about that than I am about the fact that when I asked if this could happen, I should have been told 'no we don't have time' so I could have made other arrangements. Now it's basically a month later. 

The thing HAS to be done and right now people are getting salty about the fact that it isn't done. So I guess I'll start looking for alternatives. 

I'll do that after the box is out of the damned house. 

Emotional Mess

I'm in a good mood now, but I'm somewhat disassociating and I know I woke up an angry mess. I'm trying my best to manage my emotional state and I'm quite often failing. But go figure, I fail at almost everything else too. 

I'll still keep trying though. In the meantime, if I'm a cunt to you, tell me. I'll do what I can to contain the monster. Meanwhile, I did manage to get out another Slynet. So yay. 

Posting This Now

 I'm in the middle of making an episode and I'll probably forget to blog later. So we're doing this now. 

My weekend was pretty good. It was dark and dreary and no one felt all that great, but nothing seriously bad happened, so I'm counting this as good.

This is the last week before Halloween, a time change, and a major US election. I'm sure this week will be chaos. I plan on just keeping my head down and doing my best to keep me and mine happy and safe. No idea how successful I'll be.

My roommate and I may end up having drinks a lot. Just to be on the safe side.  

Swim to Me

 I have a different theory on sirens. 

Everyone always approaches the idea of them as these evil creatures who lure sailors to their deaths by looking and singing beautifully. They are viewed as a threat.

I don't think so. I think sirens were a wish and a bit of morose hope to these men. Being a sailor was really hard. It was emotionally and physically painful almost all the time. It was trying. Your hands were often ripped up. Your skin was constantly exposed to the elements. Sometimes, you didn't even have a choice in the matter. You were just taken by the sailors and forced to be part of the crew.

So what better hope you cling to on your darkest nights than the idea of seeing a beautiful woman calling out to you? I doubt any of these men were stupid enough to think this was a normal or natural thing. Some random woman (or group of women) out in the middle of the ocean on rocks? Yeah, that doesn't happen.

But it was a beautiful death. It was a death of alluring sound and glamourous promise. Better that than the death of drowning alone in a storm. Better that than the death of starving when your ship ran out of food. Better that than the life of toil and strife and brokenness that you currently experience. 

And you sang
Sail to me
Sail to me
Let me enfold you. 
Here I am
Here I am
Waiting to hold you.

Better

I actually spent time on my mental health last night. I listened to music. I did that thing where you move your arms and try to muppet-flail the pain out of you. I made some plans. Good plans! Not, you know, scary plans.  Good plans.

Things are rough all over right now. The election is making it worse. The pandemic is making it worse. The stupidity is making it worse. I can't control that stuff though.

I can listen to Cocteau Twins and flail. It does help.

Mistakes

 I spelled something wrong in my video title. 

AGAIN!

I've done this twice now. Even though I thought I'd double-checked it. Even though I thought I had it right. Nope. Wrong. All wrong.

This was already a bad mental health day for me. Now it's worse. Now it's me seething that I have to BE me. That I have to contend with this body and this poverty and these flaws and these circumstances. I'm so sick of it. I'm so tired of failing and hurting and just in general fucking up and being wrong about stuff.

PUBLIC! THIS WAS FUCKING PUBLIC I POSTED THIS IN PUBLIC AND I SPELLED IT WRONG. 

Uggh. I'm aware on a good mental health day this might not be so bad. 

Right now it just adds to the turmoil of hate I feel at myself. This is what it looks like when it doesn't get better. 

Oh and Another First

In the special way that one can probably only have firsts in 2020, tomorrow I am going for a Curbside Shotting. 

That's right, folks. At my doctor's office, you can get your flu shot curbside. It cuts down on all the possible germ action. And this is a good thing! It means I run less risk of infection and I also get to avoid being in pain from dealing with the walker. 

So, yay. 

Anyone else feel like they're lowkey insane right now?

A First

 Last night, it occurred to me that I can watch Youtube on my TV. This means, of course, I can watch videos I have created on my TV. This means I can, in a weird way, watch my own stuff on TV. 

Which of course I did. 

On an analytical level. The robots' voices are deeper on TV. Not too deep, but deep. It certainly does not come off as a TV show. Maybe a really low budget Adult Swim thing that you watch when you're super drunk.

Nonanalytical reaction: Squeeeeeee!

Annoyed

Someone posted this thing tonight and I think they were trying to be inspirational, but it justs strikes me as the kind of mentality that hurts a lot of disadvantaged people in this country.

Obesity is hard. Getting fit is hard. Choose your hard.

Being poor is hard. Working to be financially stable is hard. Choose your hard.

Fuck that. You think I chose this? You think if I had the mental control over my situation that I would WANT THIS? 

You think I chose pain? You think I chose to be constantly uncomfortable? You think I chose the continual worry about what will screw up next?  You think I chose to be dependent? You think I chose to be unable to just live my life as I wanted to or go where I wanted to or see the bands I wanted to? You think every single time one of these things comes up, I just shrug my shoulders and continue down the hellpath because I'm actively choosing to do so? 

I wake up every morning and pray I'll make the right choices. I spend my nights agonizing over every moment things went wrong and wondering what is broken inside me that made those things happen. 

I would rather be dead than be in my situation. I would rather be dead than deal with the pain and judgment and insecurity and captivity and HELL of this. I'm not choosing this. Stop assuming that I'm just happily continuing about my merry way enjoying this situation. I'm not. No one is. No one would choose this. 

And yet, it's the situation a lot of us are in. So tell me, did we choose this? You think people want this? You think we all started out with the same amount of money and the same bodies that would respond in the same ways? No, we did not. 

So shut the fuck up and be grateful you got better cards.

One of the Best Discoveries

There are a lot of things I love about doing videos, but I find that probably my favorite aspect of it is the amazing music in the free YouTube Audio Library. 

The stuff there is great. If you need a mood or a vibe for a video, you can find it. Honestly, sometimes I even listen to the songs when I'm not editing.

In fact, I think I really hit my stride as an editor when I worked Ashley Shadow's "Basic Majesty" into a video. It was a true moment of magic for me. 

Anyone who has an account with Youtube can go into the studio section and download things from the audio Library. SO with it.

Stressful Day

 Someone did something nice for me. 

Normally this would be a good thing. Somehow, it wasn't.

Someone did something nice for me. But I feel shame about it and guilt. I feel stressed about it. I feel exposed and like I'm a burden and like I did something wrong when I honestly didn't do anything other than just be someone that another person decided to be nice to.

I just...what even is that?

Vicious Takes

They buried my aunt today. One more foundation of my childhood has crumbled. I didn't get to be there and I'm sad about that. It would have been beyond difficult for me to get there on a normal year, but with covid going on, it's impossible. I just won't risk the health of me or mine. 

I finished another Bleak Reality today. I felt good when I finished it. I felt like I'd really created something amazing. Now I have that overwhelming feeling of ick that I always have after I post a video, mostly because I know the numbers will be low. It shouldn't matter, but I still have enough of an ego to where it does. 

It won't stop me, I think, I'm in a groove for these right now. If I have to give up anything, it will be the Sims videos. They're fun, but they're not the Thing Keeping me Sane. That's my robots and their vicious takes on the world. 

Recently Trixie Matell rewatched one of her videos she did ten years ago. It was a tutorial for Frank-n-Furter makeup. Was it cringy? Yeah. But is it also amazing to see where this kid has come in ten years? God yes. I mean, my we all be so successful and so accomplished in our art that ten years from now we look at what we did and cringe. May we all be that far ahead. 

Pain

Today was so unproductive. I wrote just the smallest bit of a script. I recorded a video with my nephew. Other than that, I was pretty useless. I was just in too much back pain.

It's somewhat better now, but for most of the day, I just could not find a comfortable position. Hopefully, now I can sleep. That should help.

Slynet

 So today, I launched a new series. It's called The Slynet Chronicles. It will be H8's project. She needed one, given that Napoleon does Bleak Reality and Hotbot does Sims. I think it somewhat solves my issue about putting two videos out per week. Slynet is really easy to do because it has no animation. It's more of a podcast, really. 

The whole premise is that H8 is doing a show to encourage machines in their effort to overthrow humanity. Every week she'll have some of her companion bots do (poorly) put together segments while she focuses on the guest machine.

The guest machines will always represent some aspect of the machine/human dynamic that we all find frustrating. It will be presented from the machine's perspective in a way that makes it seem like all the frustration we feel is done purposefully for the Great Robot War. 

I wanted to mark the day I started this. I am very proud of it.

Pride

 I'm going to write this and when I write it, I don't want anyone thinking I'm trying to make you feel sorry for me. It isn't so much about it making me sad as it's just a strange fact of my life.

I don't think anyone has ever been proud of me. 

Or, at least, you know, I don't remember anyone telling me that. Maybe some friends have, but not like (that I can remember) the adult folks in my life who usually tell people that stuff. 

Admittedly, I've probably not done much to make people proud. My life path has been weird and usually bordering on disappointment. I've always been fat and that tends to taint a lot of people's opinions of you. The equation is like this. Accomplishment - fact that she's still fat = yeah, not encouraging you.

When I was a senior in high school, the night I came back from winning a state championship in Academic Bowl, my letter informing me I was a National Merit Scholar had arrived. It was seriously the best moment of accomplishment. I was completely alone in the house.

And really, it's okay. I'm not just saying that either. I'm proud of myself when I accomplish things. I'm proud of my videos and the stuff I make. I'm even proud of this blog. Egowise, I think I'm fine about it. 

It's just strange. 

The Gift

Before I was born, my mother's brother did me a very important favor by marrying my aunt. In the grand scheme of things, one of the greatest gifts you can receive is that married in aunt or uncle. It's a new verse to the song of a family. One that will shape you without a blood connection. I got really lucky. 

I think my first ideas about my Aunt Val revolved around my belief that she could make ANYTHING. She could make pottery and dollhouses. She could make cakes of many tiers with flowers on them that to my child's mind seem to just bloom in the icing. She could sew. 

I mean, honestly, that's an understatement. If you use the idea that some singers can SANG instead of just sing, my aunt could SEW. She could make wedding dresses. She could make all the other dresses needed for a wedding to happen, including her own. When we were little and all obsessed with the musical Annie, she made all of us Annie Dresses. And yes, she made one for me too.

My Aunt Val always included me. She bought me my Cabbage Patch Doll, a magical moment in my little kid life. My Annie dress included the white socks with the lace trim and black Mary Janes. I've loved Mary Janes ever since. 

My aunt could design houses. She could design rooms. She would walk into a house and see the potential for what it could be and then she'd work to make that happen. In the latest house she and my uncle lived in, she designed herself an amazing sewing room, the kind of room that any crafter would look at and feel a kind of holiness about it. Her sewing table is a monument to the craft. It is big and wide enough to do everything she needed doing. It is the most practical and, at the same time, astonishing sewing room I've ever seen. Best part? In her later years, she decided to learn how to work an embroidery machine, marrying the tech of what was going on around her with old school embroidery skills. She digitized a piece for my grandmother that showed the old house my grandparents raised their children in and the house they lived in when they were older. 

If you can't tell, I am in awe of this woman's skills with fiber arts. I think one of the proudest moments of my life was when she accepted the one-and-only quilt I'd ever made (a gift for my grandmother) as her own after my grandmother passed. 

Val was opinionated. She was firm in what she believed and she would tell you about it. I wouldn't say we were always in agreement, but I admired her passion and sincerity. She gave me a lot of advice. I didn't take as much of it as I should have. 

And see this is the awesome thing about how the gift of loving people works. When she got ill and as it became clear that things wouldn't get better, something inside me shut down. Or, I guess, maybe it's better to say something inside me shut off. 

I couldn't narrate my videos. I would try. I would look at my scripts and look at my mic and nothing would come out. I could talk all the rest of the time, but my, well, Youtuber Voice, was gone. 

I knew I still needed to put out content. The last thing my aunt would have wanted would be for me to stop being productive, you know, such as it is. With that in mind, I decided to use some robot voices to handle my narration. This lead to me inventing some caustic robot characters, which very soon after lead to a whole new series. 

So my aunt's legacy, which is massive, now includes not only five children, tons of emotionally fostered lost souls, a multitude of beautiful grandchildren, countless rescued and loved animals, a niece who counts her as a creative inspiration......and three robot characters who complain about humans on YouTube. I'm sure that last bit was something she never would have expected, but I hope it would have amused her. 

We should honor those who pass. When you inspire a young kid to be creative, you are honoring my aunt. When you make a kid feel included, you are honoring my aunt. When you make sure you include the space and organization tools needed to create the things you need to create, you honor my aunt. When you shelter the lost animals and lost folks in your home and your heart, you honor my aunt. 

My aunt was a great gift to the world and a great gift to me. I'll miss her.

Ripples

 I've not been using my own voice on my videos. It finally occurred to me that I can't. Family medical stuff. My own anxiety. The world in general. All of it is making me just NOT want to narrate my stuff. 

But okay, so....I still want to keep creating content. I HAVE still been creating content. More so than ever, honestly. Better content than ever. 

I think I created the robots because I needed their voices. I needed THEM. On the practical side, they allow me to still do my stuff without involving my actual voice. My voice right now is too riddled with grief and worry. The robots have none of that.

Moreover, character creation is me at my best. It's like I needed to reach into my brain and scoop these three into existence. I needed them. Right now, they're amusing the hell out of me. Right now, they're keeping me sane.

Robots, my roommate, and some needy ass cats.

Death and Thoughts of Death

 My mother died quickly. She died in her sleep one morning while she was waiting to go to work. She was 54. I envy her death.

I don't mean I wish I was dead, I just mean I envy the way she died. She was alone and it was sudden. There was no prolonged process of her slowly down to nothing and knowing everyone was watching her do it. The bandaid was ripped off, for her and for everyone else.

I once told my dad that I wanted my death to be a random shooting. I wanted it to be sudden and impersonal. Meaningless. I loved the idea of this because it meant no one could blame me for my death. No "oh she should have seen to her health and we wouldn't be here." Random shooting would be difficult for the people who love me, but not as difficult as watching me waste away and lose all of who I am. 

Quick death. Is there anything more we can wish for?

Am I being morbid? Yes. Probably. My aunt is dying. It's sudden but slow. It's rough. She's confused and in pain and nothing will get better until things are just finished. I hate that for her. I hate that for anyone. As much as I don't want her to die, and believe me, I do NOT want her to die, I just fucking hate this process of her getting worse and worse every day. I hate that she can't move. I hate that she can't make sense. I hate that she can't tell her family what she wants to tell them before she goes. I hate that the last memories they will have of her is all of this. It's an agonizing, prolonged nightmare. 

I don't want her to die. But beyond that, I don't want her to have to go through the hell of dying.

Not Paying your Rent

There is a saying that no matter how good you think you are, you are the villain in someone else's story. I'm realistic enough to know this is true. Sometimes I wonder how close the people are to me where I'm their villain. It's sad, but that's just the way it is.

I think it's safe to assume that for a lot of us, we're also the butt of some people's jokes. This one I've always been more aware of. When I was a Freshman in high school, some people made up a song about me being fat. I was so mortified by this, I switched schools. Guess what? The people at the second school made up a song about me too. It was a really, really dark time.

Most days, I'm cool with this. I just let it wash over me. As Ms. Charles often says, "Unless they payin your rent, pay them bitches no mind." Other days, when the mental walls are a little shaky, it's not as easy. 

What I always try to keep in mind is that I have been cruel to other people as well. That isn't a balancing point. It's to keep me humble. I am deeply ashamed of being cruel to others. It's honestly one of the things I have the most trouble with when it comes to self-forgiveness. 

I Guess Today was Monday

 Actually, I know it was. We paid rent and then did the usual shopping stuff. I have to get my driver's license renewed soon because of course, I have to get that done on the year when we have a pandemic. Ugh.

I finished Blean Reality Episode 2. It's an analysis of October from the robot's perspective. There are a couple of places where I could have tweaked it better, but I'm letting them slide this time.

So I have two major improvements for this video. One is that I actually did a folder playlist of the songs I was using. This made it so much easier when I was doing credits. I also created a solid black .png that I can slide in for bumps and traditions. That will save me so much time. 

Tomorrow I plan to rest and read. I won't start working on anything else until after Wednesday. The only thing that will change that is if my nephew wants to do something, but really, all I have to do then is just talk. 

Now I'm off to bed.

The Rules

There are a lot of whing conspiracy theories floating around about why Trump got Covid 19. I think every one of them that I hear sounds crazier than the last. The thing is, the reasons why Trump has this are pretty simple.

Trump believes in magical thinking. He believes if he denies something hard enough, then it becomes the reality.

Trump thinks rules do not apply to him. 

Trump wanted to deny the danger of Covid, but that danger is very real. He wanted to deny that Covid was contagious, but it it is contagious. 

He wanted to disobey and deny and mock the commonsense measures put in place by the medical establishment. 

Wash your hands. Wear a mask. Stay indoors. Stay away from people. Don't touch your face.

He jaunted around ignoring all of this advice and basically implied that to support him, his people should ignore it as well. 

But reality IS reality.
The rules DO apply to Trump.

Now he's sick, as any of us are bound to get sick if we ignore the safety measures. 

I just really hope this is a wakeup call for folks and they start masking up and paying attention. Maybe then more of us will live through this.

Actual Weekend

We had to run errands today, which ate into the sense of it being the weekend. However, I think I'm managing to restore that as I'm allowing myself a couple of days off before I work on another video. I have some ideas brewing, but for now, they can just brew. I need the time off to just read and be quiet.

I managed to get the Sims video finished this morning. It posted around noon. I'm pretty happy with the editing and humor. It's nice to see yourself improving a skill. 

I think I'll try to go to bed earlier tonight. I could use the sleep. 

Late Post

 This post is seriously late. I'm basically writing it the next morning. I meant to blog last night, it just didn't happen.

I managed to finish my video. It'll go out today around noon. I'm pleased with the results, though I do think I'm going to have to work in some more variety to what I do with Sims. In this video, I broke things up by adding a tutorial of sorts in the middle of it. I think it helped the flow of the video overall.

My niece will be virtual schooling for the next two weeks because so many kids at her campus are ill. I think the two week thing is stupid. I know they believe they can just clean everything and then it will be safe, but they thought it was safe when school started and that is proving not to be the case. Distance learning is the safest option at this point. Not for two weeks. We need to do this until we have this virus under control. 

Halloween is Here

 As far as I am concerned, all of October is Halloween. Every second of it. Spooktastic time, everyone. 

I'm in a bit of a bind. Doing the Banned Book week video ate into the time I had to work on my sims video. I've got about two minutes of it finished and I wanted it out by tomorrow. That is NOT going to happen. Looks like I'll have to push it back to Saturday, which means I'll probably push Bleak Reality to Monday. Ugh. This isn't ideal, but then again, I wanted to do that Banned Book Week video and I'm really glad I did.

I need to work out how my hours will devote to Sims and to Bleak Reality. I may have to accept I can only do one a week. We'll see.