Collision

I'm never the most graceful of people.  Actually, I'm probably the least graceful of people.  Today I lost my balance and fell into the door in the bathroom. I bruised my hand and jarred myself.  Worse, the door was open and on the other side of it is the water heater.

We've watched it all day, wondering if any damage was done.  Earlier my roommate came in and said he saw water on top of it.  A few minutes ago, he came in and told me it was certainly going to have to be looked at. He wasn't happy and I don't blame him.

There are levels of bad here.  One of these levels is the uncertainty of knowing how much this will cost.  What all will have to be changed or altered about the situation. What level of damage was done.  So many factors we can't be sure of yet.

The worst part though is knowing it is happening because of me.  As my roommate was telling me all of this, I was trying to listen to him but all the while my stomach was becoming white hot with panic and heat.  Things are fucking up and it's my fault. Not something I intended to happen, but my fault nevertheless.

And I want to take it back. I want to relive that moment and fall the other way. Or not fall at all. Or anything other than reaching into this level of panic.  Why did I have to lose my balance? Why did it have to be in that direction?  And to think, up til this moment, I was having a fairly good week.