My aunt has Lyme disease. Chronic Lyme is very debilitating and often misdiagnosed. It took my aunt over 20 years to find out this was the cause of her pain. She spent years going to different doctors, spending tons of dollars, and almost dying in the process. Now that she knows what is wrong with her, whenever she hears of someone with similar issues, she tells them about Lyme. My cousins and I do the same thing.
A few days ago, her Facebook status was about one of my cousins helping a friend find out about having Lyme. My aunt stated that "God spoke through her." My aunt was happy that her struggles weren't in vein. People would benefit from her painfully-gained knowledge. My cousins were helping with this.
Someone on my aunt's friend's list starts blasting her about "being used by a god." My aunt responded back with an explanation of what she was talking about and he continued to persist in his opinions about religion. Finally, my youngest cousin told him his opinions were out of place in the discussion. In a private message, she asked us if she had been too harsh.
No, she hadn't been. The status update was not an invitation to religious debate. It was a celebration of the fact that some good was coming from my aunt's struggles. a vindication.
Today, a photographer I know posted pictures from her latest sessions. They were of a girl in a bikini by the water. The pictures were in no way lewd or unseemly, she was just in a bikini. Yet, some woman had to start in on how "disappointed" she was because this photographer, who usually does pictures of families or weddings, had stooped to do something so "unclassy and suggestive."
When someone pointed out to this woman that the poses were not sexual, she went to a tirade about how it's sad that as a society we don't see such things as sexual anymore. Then she went on to babble about how perverts will see the pictures and harm women and children because of them. She did this for several posts.
As Americans, we really really like our freedom of speech. We harp on it and spout out how our opinions are something we always have the right to express. And yes, for the most part, this is quite true.
Ahhh, but just because you can do something, doesn't mean you always should.
If we are seeking to truly communicate with others, we need to always consider if the timing of expressing "our opinion." Why is this important? Because quite often, people have emotional, intellectual, or cognitive investment already in play whenever we decide to open our mouths. Sometimes, depending on the level of this investment, our opinions may blossom into a positive communication. However, quite often what we say, when our attempt at communication is timed wrong, will not be what we truly communicate.
Some basic examples.
Person A: My son just died in the war.
What Person B says in response: War is stupid and we had no business being there.
What Person B communicates: I'm an insensitive asshole.
When someone has lost a loved one, the last thing they need to hear in those days following is how you feel about the situation surrounding the death of their loved one. Even if they feel the exact same way you do, their period of mourning is not the time to talk about political or social bullshit.
Person A: I'm overjoyed I'm a grandparent now! My son and his husband just adopted a baby.
What Person B says in response: Your gay son and his gay lover have no business with kids and will go to Hell.
What Person B communicates: Even if you're happy about this, I don't care because I value things over your happiness.
As bad as it is to thrust your agenda into someone else's grief, it's just as bad to do it when someone else is celebrating. This is especially true in cases where there has been a struggle to reach this point of celebration and victory.
Person A: Hey, I know you love music. My favorite singer is Justin Bieber.
What Person B Says in Response: Yeah, well, Justabeaver is hardly an example of music.
What Person B Communicates: Even if you did just try to reach out to me, I'm still going to be a snob about this topic I clearly know more about than you.
One of the basic things people try to do when talking to each other is to establish a baseline of common interests. If you constantly reject people's attempts by insulting their interests, you will fail in communicating in a positive manner with them.
I'm sure a lot of you are now thinking I'm advocating some sort of system of lying. You will have none of that! You like to keep it real! You're not going to pretend to like things! You won't support wars or gay people or Justin Bieber lovers or anything else that doesn't ring true to you! Or, you do, do the opposite of all of these if that's how you feel.
I'm not saying you have to. What I am saying is that if your relationship with the person you're trying to communicate with is important, you just need to take an extra two seconds or so to try harder. Instead of just instantly spouting off your opinions about things, emote to the other person.
Recognize What Person A is Needing.
Take my first example from above. In that case, Person A is reeling from the loss of a child. As someone who truly wishes to communicate with this person, you should consider what they most need in the moment and respond accordingly.
"I'm so sorry you lost your son. I know you love him." "He will be very missed." "Do you need anything?" All of these statements keep you communicating in a positive way with this person. Yes, you may burning on the inside because you hate the war, but it keeps the focus on you helping this person you see as valuable to you.
Recognize What the Person is Truly Saying.
In my second example, Person A isn't even directly talking about her gay son. Person A is talking about how joyful it is that there is now a grandchild. As someone who wishes to communicate with them, pursue topics that stay on topic of this excitement.
"You are going to be the best grandparent ever." "What is the child's name?" "Have you got to spend a lot of time with him/her?" While you may just hate and loathe the parent part of the equation, what your friend talked to you about was the new relationship in their life. Focus on that.
Find Common Ground
As stated before, when someone broaches a topic they know you like, they are usually trying to establish common ground with you. If their next statement isn't something to your liking, revert to the first statement and build off of that.
"Wow, you sound really into this. What kind of mp3 player do you have?" "I hear he played at Blank Concert Hall. What did you think of that place?" By taking the topic back to the generalization of "music," you find you have far more topics to delve into than just where you find differences.
Yes, we all have opinions. And yes, many of us are very proud of those opinions. Often we go so far as to see them as fact. Opinions, however, can often lead to us establishing patterns of broken and/or miscommunication with others. If we take the time to listen to what other people are saying and assess how we can frame our responses, we will be able to establish lines of communication with more and more people. And yes, eventually, they may even ask for our cherished opinions.....which is usually what we wanted in the first place.
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