So as you know, I've been doing a work book in therapy that is supposed to help me start dealing with the abuse that happened to me as a kid. I go through various levels of resistance to this. I somewhat believe the book, somewhat resent it, and somewhat just want to quit. I won't though.
One thing I do believe was the part about how disassociated I am with my body. I live in my head. I live WELL in my head. But my body? It's just the thing that allows me to express, gives me access to data, and causes me pain. This isn't really a good thing, of course. By basically ignoring my body for all these years, I've had even more reason to be nonchalant about what is happening to it.
So I've started these mental challenges to pay more attention to my body. To really think about it in ways beyond just it hurting or being hot or too cold or whatever. Honestly, I think the more awareness and connection I have to my physical being, the more able I will be to get healthy again. Look, I'm not thinking miracles here. I'm not gonna Charlie Sheen Tigerblood cure myself with my mind or anything. Still, I think a better mind/body sync will help.
So my Friday list tonight will be about things I like about my body. And I mean body and not face. Faces are easy to like. Well, most of them, anyway. No, this is just body. So....here goes.
1. I like my tattoo. I have a tattoo of a lily on my left hand. I had it done when I was in my early twenties and wanted something permanent in my life. It was done illegally, as tattooing was against the law in my home state back then, but the artist who did it was licensed in another state. He was visiting his parents at the time and while over at a friend's house, I started talking to him and the tattoo idea came along. The tatt was done in his mom's trailer, which I love because it adds such a nice white trashy flavor to it. For about a year after having it done, whenever I would get bored in class, I would gaze at it lovingly.
Okay, so.....I sat here for about an hour past that first entry, typing things and erasing them. Then typing other things. I would look over my form and struggle for something.....come up with some passable but still lame idea....type it....then erase.
The truth is, I don't like anything about my body. I don't know it. I ignore it. And when I have to deal with it, I hate it. I hate all of it. I hate that it makes me a spectacle. I hate that it's weak. I hate that it causes me so much vulnerability. I hate that it requires me to have gender, which sorts me into a group before I even open my mouth to speak. I hate that it requires me to have a gender, that assigns social expectations and biases before I even get to decide things for myself.
I hate that it always hurts. I hate that its the first thing someone sees. I hate that it has needs and wants and requirements. I hate the damage done to it. I hate that people touched the body, beat it, spit on it, violated it, abused it, and yet while that healed, my mind still carries scars and memories.
And I don't just hate it, I'm angry at my body. I'm angry at it for being so weak. I'm angry at the idea of anyone looking at me or coming near me. I'm angry at the fact that the body can be so easily harmed, so easily destroyed, so easily addicted.
I love my mind, but quite frankly, I wish my body didn't exist. I wish I could just be a floating thought process able to communicate somehow with others. Or maybe one of those floating heads on Futurama.
Because really, that is how I feel most of the time. I'm just a floating mind stuck in a body that causes lots of issues. My mind is full of stories and thoughts and dreams and other worlds and songs and jokes and plans. My body is the limitation to all of this. In the end, my body and its failure will be what puts an end to the person I am right now.
So.............wow. This didn't go as I expected, but it went where it needed to go. The cool thing about recovering from something is that no matter where your starting point is, there is always potential for vast improvement. And I'm way down there at rock bottom with this project.
It's okay though. I have a baseline. I know where I'm starting from now. Instead of ignoring my body, I'm actually, well, okay, raging at it, but at least that's not ignoring. I guess we'll see where this project goes.
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