Falling Patterns

I have this sinus thing happening. It has settled in my ears and therefore throws off my balance. Actually, I should say it FURTHER throws off my balance. My balance is never that great anyway.  And yes, this is because I'm fat. I get that. It doesn't change the fact that it's a deal. In fact, one of my biggest fears is falling.

The fear of falling brings out certain patterns in my behavior.  I'll walk through a room facing the direction that will do the least damage if I fall.  I've had to relearn this skill since moving into the current house. A while back, I had a fallish situation and knocked into a door that knocked into the water heater.  I wrote about that drama, as you will recall.

Now whenever I walk into the bathroom, I face the opposite direction of the water heater. If I call, it will be into shelves, not into expensive things with hookups to gaslines and hot water.

I've also noticed I'm back to setting things down as quickly as possible. If you're going to fall, you certainly don't want stuff in your hands, especially things with the potential to spill, stain, burn, or cut.  I'll set bowls or cups down on the table walk by, and then pick them up again, just so they spend less time in my clumsy hands. If I pick up a knife, it stays in my hand long enough to be used, gets slid to the other side of the prep counter, and then placed in the sink after I walk around to the other side of the counter.

There is a lot of wet going on outside. Rain, condensation, and soon to be frost can be treacherous for my goal of not landing on my ass.  Because of this, I find myself taking little caution steps. I take the smallest steps possible, plant my feet firmly, reassure myself, and THEN take another little step. This process takes forever and I know it annoys the fuck out of those around me. It still takes up less time than me falling and then waiting to recover.

Am I going overboard? Maybe. Probably. There are a lot of areas where I know my paranoia gets the best of me. It can hold me hostage and put me in these mods where I'm almost crazy-functioning.  And I hate that. I really do. I'd love to just walk across the room without ever giving the concept of falling a second thought. Then again, if I don't do these things and fall, I'll be really annoyed. Well, you know, annoyed and in pain.