All of my life, I've heard the urban legends about Halloween. We all know the stories. People put razor blades in candy. People put severed fingers in candy. You get the idea; people mess with candy.
I keep wanting to capitalize "candy." Feel free to smirk about that all you like.
I'm not going to presume to debunk or validate the "evil crap in candy" legend. I have no idea if it ever happened or not. The roots of the legend are understandable. There is a certain risk to walking up to the homes of strangers and asking for candy. The idea that all of them would be goodhearted and generous seems contrary to humanity. There is almost a comforting aspect to the idea that some of them are sickos, lacing candy with broken glass and razors and LSD.
Although, now that I write that out, it sounds pretty unrealistic.
Who, honestly, would have the time and inclination to buy bags and bags of candy and fuck with it? Think about it. You would have to open every damned candy and stick a razor blade in there. This means you have to buy rather large-ish candy, which is quite expensive these days.
You'd also have to buy candy that is easily repackaged. . . which means you would HAVE TO repackage it . . . which seems like a fuckload of trouble. I'm sure we can all appreciate the effort put forth in trying to screw up someone's innocent childhood, but it seems like there would be quicker and more intense ways to do that.
Okay, so cut out the pre-packaged stuff. What about homemade candy or fruit? Again, this seems unrealistic. I will concede that fruit and homemade "Bag Full of WhattheFuck" would be easier to fill with razor blades or glass or drugs, but . . . well, no one actually EATS the fruit or the "Bag Full o'Whatthefuck" so the chances of someone finding a razor in there are slim.
Let's face it, if a kid has 200 pieces of good candy and an apple, that apple could have 15 razor blades in it and the kid would never get cut. By the time he's eaten all the candy and twitching away in his sugar coma, the apple is kind of rotting. The next morning it will get tossed into the trash along with all the wrappers from the candy that was eaten.
So here's my theory. There was this parent out there who had to listen to their kids bitching about Halloween for weeks. They debated about costume ideas, discussing it until the parent wanted to pull out their hair. Costumes were made or bought, either way, through the effort of the parent, not the children. THEN, the parent had to herd the children through town, watching as they took candy from the houses, listening to their exuberant little prattle about what they received. All the while, they're having to smell all this candy, knowing that, despite all their hard work, they get none of it.
So . . . when they get home, they tell the children they need to "inspect" the candy for dangers. When the kids ask why, the parent says something like, "Oh, well see there was this one kid . . . in California I think . . . during the '70s. They cut their tongue in half because someone put a razor blade in it."
With horror-filled eyes, the children handed over their buckets of candy, thankful their parents loved and protected them from some . . . I dunno, looming figure of Charles Manson dressed as Mother Goose as he handed out razor-bladed candy, hoping none of the kids noticed how his fingernails were discolored from blood stains.
Anyway, so while the kids were freaking out about this, the parents shifted through the candy and pulled out all the Almond Joys. They also took the Peanut butter Cups and anything else that looked good. Though, they left a couple of the premium ones, just to make it look legit.
The next day at school, the kids told the story about the razor blade candy. But, as all stories get embellished, it altered from some random kid from California during the '70s to "one of my mom's cousins" or something. More kids told the story and eventually, it became something most of us didn't believe . . . but maybe kinda did.
And I'm sure someone is going to read this and call bullshit on it. They're going to write me and tell me that they, for sure, know someone who DID eat glass or drugs or whatever from Halloween candy. I won't argue with them either. I'm not saying it never happened, just that it's high unrealistic. That doesn't mean it's impossible.
Although, these days, I bet there are a lot of kids who wouldn't be so freaked out about this. They'd probably take out their candy bar and say, "Oh look . . . candy. And joy! It has a free razor blade inside!"
Because if there's anything we all love, it's that free prize inside . . . no matter how shitty it is.
I keep wanting to capitalize "candy." Feel free to smirk about that all you like.
I'm not going to presume to debunk or validate the "evil crap in candy" legend. I have no idea if it ever happened or not. The roots of the legend are understandable. There is a certain risk to walking up to the homes of strangers and asking for candy. The idea that all of them would be goodhearted and generous seems contrary to humanity. There is almost a comforting aspect to the idea that some of them are sickos, lacing candy with broken glass and razors and LSD.
Although, now that I write that out, it sounds pretty unrealistic.
Who, honestly, would have the time and inclination to buy bags and bags of candy and fuck with it? Think about it. You would have to open every damned candy and stick a razor blade in there. This means you have to buy rather large-ish candy, which is quite expensive these days.
You'd also have to buy candy that is easily repackaged. . . which means you would HAVE TO repackage it . . . which seems like a fuckload of trouble. I'm sure we can all appreciate the effort put forth in trying to screw up someone's innocent childhood, but it seems like there would be quicker and more intense ways to do that.
Okay, so cut out the pre-packaged stuff. What about homemade candy or fruit? Again, this seems unrealistic. I will concede that fruit and homemade "Bag Full of WhattheFuck" would be easier to fill with razor blades or glass or drugs, but . . . well, no one actually EATS the fruit or the "Bag Full o'Whatthefuck" so the chances of someone finding a razor in there are slim.
Let's face it, if a kid has 200 pieces of good candy and an apple, that apple could have 15 razor blades in it and the kid would never get cut. By the time he's eaten all the candy and twitching away in his sugar coma, the apple is kind of rotting. The next morning it will get tossed into the trash along with all the wrappers from the candy that was eaten.
So here's my theory. There was this parent out there who had to listen to their kids bitching about Halloween for weeks. They debated about costume ideas, discussing it until the parent wanted to pull out their hair. Costumes were made or bought, either way, through the effort of the parent, not the children. THEN, the parent had to herd the children through town, watching as they took candy from the houses, listening to their exuberant little prattle about what they received. All the while, they're having to smell all this candy, knowing that, despite all their hard work, they get none of it.
So . . . when they get home, they tell the children they need to "inspect" the candy for dangers. When the kids ask why, the parent says something like, "Oh, well see there was this one kid . . . in California I think . . . during the '70s. They cut their tongue in half because someone put a razor blade in it."
With horror-filled eyes, the children handed over their buckets of candy, thankful their parents loved and protected them from some . . . I dunno, looming figure of Charles Manson dressed as Mother Goose as he handed out razor-bladed candy, hoping none of the kids noticed how his fingernails were discolored from blood stains.
Anyway, so while the kids were freaking out about this, the parents shifted through the candy and pulled out all the Almond Joys. They also took the Peanut butter Cups and anything else that looked good. Though, they left a couple of the premium ones, just to make it look legit.
The next day at school, the kids told the story about the razor blade candy. But, as all stories get embellished, it altered from some random kid from California during the '70s to "one of my mom's cousins" or something. More kids told the story and eventually, it became something most of us didn't believe . . . but maybe kinda did.
And I'm sure someone is going to read this and call bullshit on it. They're going to write me and tell me that they, for sure, know someone who DID eat glass or drugs or whatever from Halloween candy. I won't argue with them either. I'm not saying it never happened, just that it's high unrealistic. That doesn't mean it's impossible.
Although, these days, I bet there are a lot of kids who wouldn't be so freaked out about this. They'd probably take out their candy bar and say, "Oh look . . . candy. And joy! It has a free razor blade inside!"
Because if there's anything we all love, it's that free prize inside . . . no matter how shitty it is.
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