Trigger Trigger Bang Bad!

I sometimes wonder how conflicty this blog sounds. Sometimes I'm superhappy and other times, I'm way down.  I would think I'm bipolar, but it's a bit too late in life to be developing that.  I assume the depths of The Bad have to do with my anxiety disorder.

Today started out as okay, but has somehow ended up in The Bad.  It was a slow build, but I knew it was happening. I kept trying to rationalize myself out of it, trying to keep every little trigger from shooting off paranoia in my head.  The shitty, shitty thing about anxiety is that it isn't rational. Logic fails you and you're left just drifting in The Bad.  

The Bad is a vast sea of possibilities . . . but none of them are good. It's all the things that can go wrong. It's all the ways the world can fuck up. It's every statement anyone has said to you all represented to you in the worst light and the worst context. It's an examination of your actions or your inaction, and how everything can go from worse to worse to worse.

The Bad is where you feel unloved.  You don't feel special. You don't feel talented. You don't feel worth anything.  And as you're drowning in The Bad, you keep trying to summon up the skills you've worked so hard to have, the ones where you can pull yourself out of this.  Mental swimming skills that keep you from choking to death on your own thoughts.

You also have to hope that when you manage to grab onto logic again, it isn't the Dark Logic.

Dark Logic is that place where all your defense mechanisms kick in, as does your emotional exhaustion, and you find yourself wondering why you keep living.  Dark Logic isn't emotional. It is, as I have mentioned before, a very cold and rational place.  It's when you don't have the strength to keep up your shields and all the hard truths come crashing in at you.  You feel very calm when you reach this place.  But if you want to keep living, it isn't the kind of calm you want to achieve.

If you're lucky, when you grab logic again, it's the kind that will work for you. It's the kind that will gently remind you that you aren't going to end up in a place where all your friends have gotten too conservative to talk to you, to where everyone walks away from you, to where you're left in a house full of cockroaches and fucked up floor tiles, with no money and tons of bills you can't pay, and a fire alarm that never goes the fuck off.

Stupid Bad. I really hate it.