The Horrors of Childhood: Mask of the Plastic Death Addition

This isn't exactly the same Wonder Woman mask I had as a kid, but it serves the same purpose for our discussion. Of all the horrors of childhood, cheapassed plastic Halloween masks are one of the worst.

What harm could come from a simple Halloween mask? Oh, let me tell you! A lot. Tons. And the horror comes from many levels.

First of all, just look at the thing.  Black eye holes, the small opening at the nose and mouth, the static expression . . . these things look like beheaded dead people.  Yes, I realize it's kind of hard to be alive and beheaded, but you know what I mean.  It looks like some cheap death mask.  Wearing it doesn't evoke Wonder Woman. It evokes DEAD Wonder Woman.

The creepiness of the mask is truly just warning for the dangers to come. The toy maker who created Halloween masks quite possibly also came up with toys called Sack Full of Scorpions and Knife Hat. Those masks are death traps. I'm shocked parents' haven't protested them in droves!  I guess it's one of those things like banning VC Andrews books.  No one does it because everyone assumes it's already being handled.

If you put on a plastic mask, there are two things you notice from the start. The first is that, despite the creepy holes in eyes, nose, and mouth, somehow the mask is difficult to both breath in and see out of.  The holes hit just wrongly enough to make it ill fitting on . . . well, everyone.  They also get hot very quickly.

The second thing you notice is that this death trap has another death trap around it.  As uncomfortable as the mask is, it's going to be quit painful to remove.  See, when you put one of the damned things on, the supermegaultracheap elastic band around it has wound itself around your hair and is going to pull like a bastard when you try and take off the mask.

The other horrors of the mask take a bit of time to uncover.

• The bottom of the mask will hit your neck at a strange angle. It won't seem so bad at first, but as the night wears on, you'll start to realize that the skin is blistering.
• In fact, all edges of the mask can cause chaffing.  If you move against any part of the edge too quickly, it can also cut you.
• However, the cuts won't be as bad or as painful as the cut you get on your tongue if you make the mistake of sticking it through the mouth breathing hole in the mask.  By the way, you will ALWAYS make this mistake.
• Sometimes your tongue doesn't get cut by the mouth opening. Sometimes, your tongue just gets stuck.
• The elastic band is held in place by two staples.  Yes, staples.  No, they don't feel that great if they open and knock against your face.
• If, and when, the elastic band breaks, it will snap back viciously and hit you in the ear.  Interestinly, even over 30 years later, you will still be able to recall the level of hell that pain causes.

Past Halloween, you're stuck with this plastic face version of a Lament Box.  What do you do with it?  Well, you could hang it on the wall . . . but it casts creepy shadows. You could put it up in your closet . . . but at some point, it's going to fall down in your face and stare blankly at you.

You could toss it in the toybox . . . and yes, this doll coffin is where many a Halloween mask end up. They are lost, discarded, and soon sporting rips that distort the already distorted facial features. Eventually, they get tossed into the trash can so they can scare the bejesus out of birds.

Truly, no good can come from a plastic mask.  It's just one shit show after another, often ending in spilled blood, stinging pain, and disturbing imagery. Bad, bad, bad.   We can put a stop to this though.  We can walk past the plastic mask aisles and commit to better and safer costumes. We have the power. It's in our hands.

Unless you lost your hand to some of those plastic masks being ripped open and left to die in a toybox.  But if that's ever happened, then I'm quite sure you know why the masks should never be seen again.