The Conflicts of Change

You know, I like change. I do.  I enjoy the experience of life not being the fuckery it is now and becoming something nicer.  However, what I really mean when I say this is that I like change . . . when I am in charge of it. I don't like change when it happens to me and I had no say. That sucks.

I found out today I would be losing the woman who does the "life skills" part of my therapy.  I like her. She's kind and gentle and very encouraging. The job she's getting will be really good for her and hopefully help a lot of people in the process.  However, it sucks for me. I mean, it really really sucks for me. I don't want to lose her. I like having her around. I like working with her.

I'm trying to be rational about this.  I know it isn't something being done TO me. It's not like some committee of high ranking therapists sat down in some secluded war room and came up with some way to specifically fuck with me.  They're not laughing diabolically at my current unhappiness.  They're not doing some wicked, twisted victory dance as the picture of my face at the moment I was told I was going to lose her is projected over them. It feels like this is the case, but I know it's not.

This decision is just what the people in charge of the company think is best for the company.  They feel this change will be helpful.  Perhaps it even will be.

I think this kind of conflict is at the core of the frustration that many people feel these days. So much of what touches our daily lives is controlled by big things (large companies, the government, some combination of both), but when those big institutions make decisions, they usually aren't considering all the individuals who will be affected. We are affected though, sometimes in devastating ways. We feel like we're being attacked. The thing is, we're not being attacked. The agency of the Big isn't to harm us, just to do what it believes is best for the Big.

We still have to deal with the consequences though. If I own a diner that serves mainly people when they get off shift at a nearby factory and that factory closes down, it wasn't an attack on me personally, but my business is still going to suffer . .  .and possibly fail. I can try and scramble to save my business, but no amount of hard work on my part will alter the fact that the majority of the people who used to be my customers now have no money to spend.  Does the make the people who owned the factory evil? No. They weren't doing this to harm me. Yet, it still harms me.

And so, while I know the Powers that Be who run the therapy center didn't set out to cause me any type of agita, they still have. They didn't specifically target me and decide to cut someone out of my life . . . but it still happened. And I am still bitter about it.  I know they're not evil . . .but they certainly feel that way.

Bastards.