So two months ago, I started walking. It was a small venture forth out of the house and down the driveway and back again. A month ago, I added another trip back and forth in the morning. Yesterday, I began the next phase of this. My afternoon walk now consists of two trips down the driveway and back again.
Right now, it's kind of hell. I'm completely out of breath by the end of it and my body is in protest mode. I hurt. My heart rate is crazy. It all settles though, quicker than I expected. It helps that I remember what those first days of walking at all were like for me. I moved past it though and got stronger in the process. I know that will be the case this time as well.
I'm going to confess this next part because I want people who are in a similar situation in their lives to understand they are not alone. Adding this second trip scared the hell out of me. I've been dreading this for a couple of weeks now. I was so scared to add this step. I don't know why. Maybe cause I didn't think I could do it. Maybe it was because it's happening at a time when it's hot outside and I didn't think I could deal with the heat.
I suspect though, it's because adding another lap feels like a lot more progress than just adding another time to walk. I'm committing to walking the driveway twice with no stopping. That is a lot more legwork than I'm used to. It's a lot more than I've done at one time in years.
I know I'm going to face this fear every day for a while now. Conquering the fear is just part of the process. Honestly, it's okay to be afraid. Don't be ashamed of it but at the same time, don't let it win. View the fear as a challenge. It's a little battle you get to fight. One that you can win.
How do you win it?
Well, this is how I do it. When I'm trying to talk myself out of walking, I remind myself of all the reasons I started walking in the first place. There are many. I also remind myself that I've been doing this for two months now. That is astounding for me. Amazing. I'm far past the point when this is a habit. I think about all the small victories I'm having. I think about how it's easier to carry groceries from the car now. I think about how it's easier to sweep the floors. I think about how it's easier to walk through the house in general. A few minutes of my life spent walking a driveway and the whole of my life benefits from it.
Most importantly, I think about the kind of strange, unexpected side benefit to all of this. I actually enjoy walking. It's tiring and often painful, but I do enjoy it. I like having that time every day where I'm outside. For someone who spent many years as basically a shut-in, this is a huge improvement. I like looking at the trees and the flowers. I like smelling them. It makes me feel more connected to the world outside of this house. I also like the feeling that I have accomplished a goal. Every day when I walk back into the house, I know I have achieved my daily goal of walking. And that is one of the grandest feelings in the world.
We say a lot of stuff to fat people in this country. I've always been told I was lazy and weak and lacked in any kind of ability to commit. I'm thinking people say these things to condemn us and make us feel bad, but quite often, the real result is that we just begin to believe it. When you think you're lazy, weak, and unable to commit to anything, the idea of losing weight and becoming healthy seems impossible. If you are all of these other things, it's just not going to happen.
The truth is though, you don't lack in commitment. Let's face it, you've committed quite a lot of time to gaining this weight. You made sacrifices to let it happen. You braved the ridicule and resentment of the world around you. You planned and plotted and did everything you could to get what you wanted into your mouth. You can be very damned dedicated when you want to be. It's just maybe been to things that are now hurting you.
You're not weak. You carry around a lot of weight every day. You manage to get out of bed and function, despite all this extra bulk. It takes a strong person to do that. It takes a strong person to face the world when the world just wants to tell you that you're ugly and morally reprehensible.
As far as 'lazy' goes, I think most people are lazy when they can't find good motivation to do something. Find your motivation. All you need is a little one to begin with. Find something that will motivate you to brave walking a set distance. Once you have that, build on it. You'll find you have more and more motivation as you continue to strive for your goals.
And if you're reading this and rolling your eyes as you think, 'yeah, you make it sound so easy,' trust me in that I know it's not. I'm 38 years old and I weigh in excess of 500 lbs. I know this isn't easy.
It is, however, very worth it.
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