Dominoes

Interestingly, the people most important in my life are all making huge positive changes in their lives right now. That's awesome and I'm very proud of them . . . well, of US, really, because I'm making positive changes in my life as well.  It's like this really great place to be in, when you're watching people doing things that just really impact their lives in a good way. I'm probably never going to get used to being deeply happy and proud of people, but I must say it's an emotion I've come to love.

For me, the first domino of this happened two Thanksgivings ago when my roommate started his blog. For a while he had been looking for a blog to read about someone's accounts of living day by day with an HIV+ status.  He couldn't find one and finally decided to start his own.  Everyday since then, he has written. His blog is often educational, usually funny, always insightful, poignant, and brave. When he started it, I felt that proud/happy sensation because I was so happy his voice would be out there again.

Once he started blogging, he kind of talked me into doing it as well. I hesitated for a while because I didn't think I would stick with it and because, quite frankly, I can get so very shy. Yes, I know the irony in that. Still, once I realized I could screen comments, I poked my metaphorical toe in the water and began to write again.

The blog has been immensely important to me. It's helped to bring more structure to my mind. It's made me have a goal to work on every day. It's built my confidence.  It's allowed me to speak about subjects I would normally just keep inside, like my struggles with depression and anxiety. It's helped to heal my soul about a lot of subjects. I write a lot about my mother and my grandmother.  Given that there isn't a way for me to reconcile the relationships I had with them, it's quite helpful to have a place to really work through those feelings.

I feel like I have my voice again and I needed it back. In the darkest days of my depression, I don't think I could even speak inside myself. Only the illness spoke, well, screamed really. I was silenced by my own chemical imbalance and it was the scariest thing.

If I hadn't started blogging, I wouldn't be writing fiction again. All writing, fiction or non-fiction, is about putting the Truths in your head into words others can read .  . . even if those Truths are made up worlds. If you don't understand how to look for the words inside of you or if you can't coax those words out of you, then your writing doesn't work. Blogging allowed me to find my words again.

If I hadn't started blogging, I wouldn't be walking or working out. I know that seems odd.  However, for me, exercise is so much about being consistent. I have gotten into the habit of being consistent because of my blogging. Once I could do this in one aspect of my life, it has been easier to apply it to others.

If I hadn't started blogging, I wouldn't have progressed as far as I have in therapy. Blogging helps me to purge a lot of stuff. It forces me to give structure to my unstructured emotional state before I can write about it. By doing this, I can shed a lot of the baggage and chaos I was just allowing to build up inside me.   Sometimes I even have many positive things to say when I go to therapy.

So, in the interest of paying it forward, I want to do for any readers out there the same wonderful thing my roommate did for me. I want to encourage you to start a blog. If you are like him and feel there is a topic you want to discuss, awesome. Do so. If you are like me and just want to randomly write about everything, that is great as well. Blogging is a wonderful thing. It can be a truly good spot in your life and day. Try it out. It might just do wonders for you.