So it's cold. That's right. It's almost May and it's cold outside. I'm sitting here with a blanket over my legs and a cat on top of the blanket. I'm a little tired of the cold days, but then again, I guess I should enjoy them while they last. Hot, muggy summer will be here soon enough. It probably will be hot and muggy too. I would actually rather have a hotter, dryer summer, but I don't think that is likely. I do, after all, live in a very humid area.
Today was dramatic because we lost a cat for a few hours. My roommate searched for her, shaking the treat package and calling her name. She didn't show up for quite a while. When she finally did, we were very relieved. I knew she didn't get outside (she's done that before) because there was no time when she could have. I was, however, a little worried she might have passed away. She's not been ill or anything, but she is 13. I hated the idea of her dying all alone, in some hidden away place that we might not find until things started to get nasty.
Fortunately, she showed up and acted like nothing had happened. We rejoiced. Things were somewhat back to normal. I say somewhat because I'm honestly not even sure what normal is these days. Things are all breaking apart and speeding up in ways I don't quite understand. I'm worried there is nothing I can do about any of it besides just let it happen and hope I come out okay on the other side. If I do, I certainly hope I come out that other side as me, with everything that makes me still functioning. If not, I hope I can learn to live with whatever is left.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Monday, April 28, 2014
What I Got
Due to the fact that I vindictively wished bad things on the motherfucker machine during the storm, what I got instead was three hours without electricity. This is never so bad when it's cooler weather and daylight hours. Of course, the power rarely goes out during cool weather and daylight hours. It always wants to go out when it's muggy and pitch black outside.
My roommate and I sat in the living room, waiting for things to come back on. We had candles lit and some flashlights to help us see when we needed to walk through the rest of the house. The cats all clustered around us because they freak out when it's dark in the living room and we are still in there. They really don't like it when their patterns are disrupted. I don't blame them. I don't like it when my patterns are disrupted either.
That's happening a lot of late. I've been having some medical appointments and they're disrupting my usual days and patterns. My roommate asked me today how I felt about it and I ranted about how it makes me angry. He reminded me that it was needful and he's completely right. It's just difficult for me. I'm not completely agoraphobic and introverted, but I'm pretty close. Meeting new people and going to new places, places far out of my comfort zone, is never easy for me. To have to do it again and again is taxing. I'm just hoping I don't emotionally shut down before this is all over.
I had some positive news today. I'm not really ready to talk about all the details yet, but when I am, I'll discuss the whole ordeal. Until that point, I'll keep blogging about other stuffs. Maybe tomorrow night I'll talk about Drag Race.
My roommate and I sat in the living room, waiting for things to come back on. We had candles lit and some flashlights to help us see when we needed to walk through the rest of the house. The cats all clustered around us because they freak out when it's dark in the living room and we are still in there. They really don't like it when their patterns are disrupted. I don't blame them. I don't like it when my patterns are disrupted either.
That's happening a lot of late. I've been having some medical appointments and they're disrupting my usual days and patterns. My roommate asked me today how I felt about it and I ranted about how it makes me angry. He reminded me that it was needful and he's completely right. It's just difficult for me. I'm not completely agoraphobic and introverted, but I'm pretty close. Meeting new people and going to new places, places far out of my comfort zone, is never easy for me. To have to do it again and again is taxing. I'm just hoping I don't emotionally shut down before this is all over.
I had some positive news today. I'm not really ready to talk about all the details yet, but when I am, I'll discuss the whole ordeal. Until that point, I'll keep blogging about other stuffs. Maybe tomorrow night I'll talk about Drag Race.
Saturday, April 26, 2014
And I Wonder, Still I Wonder
We're supposed to have crazy bad storms tomorrow. A lot of sources are predicting tornadoes, huge hail, flooding, the works. As I've mentioned before, this kind of thing never scares me. It often does annoy me because my power gets shut off and my internet goes down. I really don't want any of that to happen, but it will probably be unavoidable.
Mostly though, I just hope our outdoor pets are safe. I'm not worried about Clem. He's presumably smart enough to hide in the storm shelter. Our birds though . . . this could get dangerous for them. I know that birds are designed to weather storms, but I can't help but be concerned, especially when they make the coming weather event sound like it could drop houses on people.
In any storm though, there is always hope . . . hope that things I don't like will be swept away! I have a list. First and foremost, I hope the storm destroys the motherfucker machine. As I've mentioned before, this is the horrible loud machine on the block down from me. The man who owns the machine is apt to run it at any point in the day (sometimes, even at night). I truly don't believe the machine serves any purpose other THAN to make noise. If it somehow dies in the storm, I'd be quite happy. He also has a horribly bright light (the motherfucker light) that the storm can get rid of. That light is brighter than the sun and points towards my windows. If it somehow disappears, I would be very happy.
I could go on about things I want gone, but those are the main two. I'm sure Ol' Boy has insurance on the motherfucker machine and can easily replace it. The motherfucker light can be replaced by whatever dark magic he used the first time he captured a solar flare. He'll probably even be happy to do the ritual again.
Mostly though, I just hope our outdoor pets are safe. I'm not worried about Clem. He's presumably smart enough to hide in the storm shelter. Our birds though . . . this could get dangerous for them. I know that birds are designed to weather storms, but I can't help but be concerned, especially when they make the coming weather event sound like it could drop houses on people.
In any storm though, there is always hope . . . hope that things I don't like will be swept away! I have a list. First and foremost, I hope the storm destroys the motherfucker machine. As I've mentioned before, this is the horrible loud machine on the block down from me. The man who owns the machine is apt to run it at any point in the day (sometimes, even at night). I truly don't believe the machine serves any purpose other THAN to make noise. If it somehow dies in the storm, I'd be quite happy. He also has a horribly bright light (the motherfucker light) that the storm can get rid of. That light is brighter than the sun and points towards my windows. If it somehow disappears, I would be very happy.
I could go on about things I want gone, but those are the main two. I'm sure Ol' Boy has insurance on the motherfucker machine and can easily replace it. The motherfucker light can be replaced by whatever dark magic he used the first time he captured a solar flare. He'll probably even be happy to do the ritual again.
Friday, April 25, 2014
Basics
We have new neighbors. The rock house next door finally sold, after sitting empty for quite some time. The new neighbors are an older couple, who seem rather practical in their approach to moving. Almost everything is going into the storage building, to be brought out and sorted as needed. I'm sure the important stuff will go into the house, but as we all know, many of us gather up a lot of things that aren't essential to our day to day lives. Those things can be left in storage, given away, left behind. There isn't much that we really, truly need.
Sometimes I think the greatest struggle in life is sorting out what we really need. Quite often we spend a lot of time and and energy on things that we later find to have very little meaning to us. Why do we do this? For status? For sanity? For survival? Is even survival really necessary or is that just something we assumed we needed? People say the basics (food, water, etc) are what we need the most, but do we even need those? After all, primitive people were struggling to stay alive, why were they doing so? Surviving one more day wasn't going to make things better. You would just have to get up that morning and struggle all over again.
Maybe there are no basics. Maybe everything is just an illusion, a trap to keep us focused on a beating heart and breathing lungs. What if they stop? Would that really be so bad? That just means the struggle is over. If you really think about the pain and suffering you go through, all the effort you put in to things you don't want to do (day to day tasks, work, obeying the rules, talking to the other people), do the rewards really outweigh the effort?
A lot of people move through life with a sense of constant longing for . . . something. Something that is never really there. They try to fill it with religion and get frustrated when that doesn't work. They try to fill it with a career and then feel tricked when that doesn't work. They try to fill it with family and feel guilty when that doesn't work. Most of the time, they spend their waking hours trying to convince themselves that they love what they have and that things will be so much better IF ONLY they improve some stuff. They believe that life feels sad and boring and pointless because they're not doing it right. They refuse to see that maybe, just maybe, life is really just sad and boring and pointless.
Why do we struggle? Why do we continue? We wake up in fear or anger and we walk through our days in fear or anger and when we finally go to sleep, we are usually either frightened or angry. We think that if we change location or if we get a better job or if someone gets a better job or if someone JUST DOES THIS THING or if we JUST DO THIS THING then everything will be better. Either the changes never come and things never get better or the changes do come and things STILL don't get better.
I have a doctor who is talking to me about getting bariactric surgery. You see, even if you lose quite a lot of weight, if you're still fat, they dismiss what you've managed to do on your own and talk about the knives. She smiles in a very supportive manner and tells me how much better things will be. I smile back in a very receptive manner because right now I need her and have to stay in her good graces. I always find it amusing how people think that the answer to fat people's problems is just not to be fat anymore, as if nonfat people have lives of simple ease and perfect days.
Losing weight won't make life better, it will only make life different. Having a good job won't make life better, it will only make life different. Having a better house won't make life better, it will only make life different. Even with all of these changes, the struggle and fears will remain. They may change some, but they will still be there. New conflicts will develop. New pain will happen. New difficulties will arrive. The people who bitch and complain about things will still bitch and complain and nothing I or anyone else does will ever please them.
And yet I, like most people who, perhaps foolishly, will continue to choose life. I will go through whatever motions I have to go through and jump through whatever hoops have to be jumped through and set my ego aside to get through the whole thing. I'll try not to think my darker thoughts, even if they spill out onto this blog. They may do that a lot in the coming weeks. More on that later.
Sometimes I think the greatest struggle in life is sorting out what we really need. Quite often we spend a lot of time and and energy on things that we later find to have very little meaning to us. Why do we do this? For status? For sanity? For survival? Is even survival really necessary or is that just something we assumed we needed? People say the basics (food, water, etc) are what we need the most, but do we even need those? After all, primitive people were struggling to stay alive, why were they doing so? Surviving one more day wasn't going to make things better. You would just have to get up that morning and struggle all over again.
Maybe there are no basics. Maybe everything is just an illusion, a trap to keep us focused on a beating heart and breathing lungs. What if they stop? Would that really be so bad? That just means the struggle is over. If you really think about the pain and suffering you go through, all the effort you put in to things you don't want to do (day to day tasks, work, obeying the rules, talking to the other people), do the rewards really outweigh the effort?
A lot of people move through life with a sense of constant longing for . . . something. Something that is never really there. They try to fill it with religion and get frustrated when that doesn't work. They try to fill it with a career and then feel tricked when that doesn't work. They try to fill it with family and feel guilty when that doesn't work. Most of the time, they spend their waking hours trying to convince themselves that they love what they have and that things will be so much better IF ONLY they improve some stuff. They believe that life feels sad and boring and pointless because they're not doing it right. They refuse to see that maybe, just maybe, life is really just sad and boring and pointless.
Why do we struggle? Why do we continue? We wake up in fear or anger and we walk through our days in fear or anger and when we finally go to sleep, we are usually either frightened or angry. We think that if we change location or if we get a better job or if someone gets a better job or if someone JUST DOES THIS THING or if we JUST DO THIS THING then everything will be better. Either the changes never come and things never get better or the changes do come and things STILL don't get better.
I have a doctor who is talking to me about getting bariactric surgery. You see, even if you lose quite a lot of weight, if you're still fat, they dismiss what you've managed to do on your own and talk about the knives. She smiles in a very supportive manner and tells me how much better things will be. I smile back in a very receptive manner because right now I need her and have to stay in her good graces. I always find it amusing how people think that the answer to fat people's problems is just not to be fat anymore, as if nonfat people have lives of simple ease and perfect days.
Losing weight won't make life better, it will only make life different. Having a good job won't make life better, it will only make life different. Having a better house won't make life better, it will only make life different. Even with all of these changes, the struggle and fears will remain. They may change some, but they will still be there. New conflicts will develop. New pain will happen. New difficulties will arrive. The people who bitch and complain about things will still bitch and complain and nothing I or anyone else does will ever please them.
And yet I, like most people who, perhaps foolishly, will continue to choose life. I will go through whatever motions I have to go through and jump through whatever hoops have to be jumped through and set my ego aside to get through the whole thing. I'll try not to think my darker thoughts, even if they spill out onto this blog. They may do that a lot in the coming weeks. More on that later.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
The Blessings
I'm on Facebook and the word blessing gets tossed around a lot. I can sometimes get eye rolly about it, but I shouldn't. People have the right to be thankful for and happy about the things in their lives that go right. My thoughts can get so dark sometimes that I don't really take the time to consider all the millions of good things that happen. But tonight, I'm going to take that time.
I'm thankful for Valentino. This is the walker I now have that helps me to cover long distances without falling over dead. The walker also adds a level of emotional security. There is a seat. When I get too tired, I can just sit there and catch my breath for a few minutes. At first I was kind of worried about how people would react, then I decided the benefits outweighed caring about that. There are also times when it is cumbersome and difficult to get through doorways, but when you consider that I will mostly be using it in medical establishments (that have wider doorways for such things), that isn't so much of a problem. Overall, Valentino has made a huge, positive difference in my life. I count that as a blessing.
One of the reasons why Valentino is so effective is due to the regulations put in place by the Americans with Disabilities Act. I know a lot of people get annoyed with the ADA because it forced them to make a lot of changes in their business accommodations, but if they ever get to the point where they are disabled, they will certainly change their minds. Elevators and ramps have been major blessings for me. They've helped me so much in terms of being able to access elevated areas. If I'm going to be a person with disabilities, I'm very fortunate to be one who lives in a society that values creating access for people.
I think most of all, I'm very thankful that I have someone who will go to doctor appointments with me. Local ones aren't that much of a problem (less one of us is too weak to drive), but when we have to drive a distance, it helps to have someone there with you. I'm thankful for the comfort of knowing I'm not alone. I'm thankful for the distraction from having to sit there and just fret about what is going to happen. Most of all, I'm thankful to have a witness there for when the big stuff happens. It's good to know someone else is aware of my story, my journey, no matter what direction it goes.
Stuff breaks. Things go wrong. People can be rude. The world can feel like it is just one fresh hell after another. In the midst of all of that, however, there are still good things. Even while the bad stuff is happening, there are still good things, still blessings, even in the same exact moment. Like I said, I can focus quite a lot on my deep dark thoughts. Okay, yeah, that's me. While I'm doing that, however, I want to always keep in mind all the amazing, bright, shiny blessings I have going on. They make all the difference.
I'm thankful for Valentino. This is the walker I now have that helps me to cover long distances without falling over dead. The walker also adds a level of emotional security. There is a seat. When I get too tired, I can just sit there and catch my breath for a few minutes. At first I was kind of worried about how people would react, then I decided the benefits outweighed caring about that. There are also times when it is cumbersome and difficult to get through doorways, but when you consider that I will mostly be using it in medical establishments (that have wider doorways for such things), that isn't so much of a problem. Overall, Valentino has made a huge, positive difference in my life. I count that as a blessing.
One of the reasons why Valentino is so effective is due to the regulations put in place by the Americans with Disabilities Act. I know a lot of people get annoyed with the ADA because it forced them to make a lot of changes in their business accommodations, but if they ever get to the point where they are disabled, they will certainly change their minds. Elevators and ramps have been major blessings for me. They've helped me so much in terms of being able to access elevated areas. If I'm going to be a person with disabilities, I'm very fortunate to be one who lives in a society that values creating access for people.
I think most of all, I'm very thankful that I have someone who will go to doctor appointments with me. Local ones aren't that much of a problem (less one of us is too weak to drive), but when we have to drive a distance, it helps to have someone there with you. I'm thankful for the comfort of knowing I'm not alone. I'm thankful for the distraction from having to sit there and just fret about what is going to happen. Most of all, I'm thankful to have a witness there for when the big stuff happens. It's good to know someone else is aware of my story, my journey, no matter what direction it goes.
Stuff breaks. Things go wrong. People can be rude. The world can feel like it is just one fresh hell after another. In the midst of all of that, however, there are still good things. Even while the bad stuff is happening, there are still good things, still blessings, even in the same exact moment. Like I said, I can focus quite a lot on my deep dark thoughts. Okay, yeah, that's me. While I'm doing that, however, I want to always keep in mind all the amazing, bright, shiny blessings I have going on. They make all the difference.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
More Appointments
I go to the doctor tomorrow and I am not happy about it. After seeing the gyno last week, this just feels one appointment too many. Oh and l also have to see the gyno next month. This uterus stuff is causing me way too much trouble. Anyway, I am depressed and annoyed by the whole matter. I will be glad when this is over.
Monday, April 21, 2014
Making the Most of What we Have
My roommate and I have Netflix and a Roku. We've had them for a while but usually don't do much with the Roku. It was a birthday gift from a few years ago and while we messed with it quite a lot at first, after a while, we just stopped. The remote messed up and it became a pain to use. Even after we replaced the remote, it still wasn't that easy to deal with.
Recently though, we started using it more. Considering we have nights when there is nothing on TV that we wish to watch, we've opted to dedicate an hour or so to watching anime. Netflix has tons on there. Right now we're watching Bubblegum Crisis. We're most of the way through it. I'm thinking that for a while we'll stick with series that only have a limited number of episodes. This means we can concentrate on a series for a while and then move on.
We're both in agreement about this due to the Dragonball issue. Dragonball and its related shows have about 10,000 episodes. Many of these episodes involve long ass battles with long ass speeches. There could have been a lot of editing done. It didn't help that back when we were watching Dragonball, Cartoon Network would show about three episodes and then backtrack for about 50. Once you cycled through those old 50 episodes, you'd get about three more new ones. This process went on through the better part of the '90s.
So for now, it will be any anime that has a logical and complete number of episodes. Stories that may take a while, but still have a tight and urgent kind of plot. The only long form anime I would be interested in watching at this point is Full Metal Alchemist because when I was watching it the first time, it came on late at night and I was in the depths of my sleep apnea. I only remember bits and pieces of what happened. That may wait for a while though, because there are lots of other series to watch before then, short ones that we can knock out in a quick manner.
I'm glad we're doing this because I always feel better when I'm working with the stuff I already have around me. I may not be frugal in many ways, but if nothing else, I can at least take advantage of the things I already have instead of spending money on stuff I really don't need.
Recently though, we started using it more. Considering we have nights when there is nothing on TV that we wish to watch, we've opted to dedicate an hour or so to watching anime. Netflix has tons on there. Right now we're watching Bubblegum Crisis. We're most of the way through it. I'm thinking that for a while we'll stick with series that only have a limited number of episodes. This means we can concentrate on a series for a while and then move on.
We're both in agreement about this due to the Dragonball issue. Dragonball and its related shows have about 10,000 episodes. Many of these episodes involve long ass battles with long ass speeches. There could have been a lot of editing done. It didn't help that back when we were watching Dragonball, Cartoon Network would show about three episodes and then backtrack for about 50. Once you cycled through those old 50 episodes, you'd get about three more new ones. This process went on through the better part of the '90s.
So for now, it will be any anime that has a logical and complete number of episodes. Stories that may take a while, but still have a tight and urgent kind of plot. The only long form anime I would be interested in watching at this point is Full Metal Alchemist because when I was watching it the first time, it came on late at night and I was in the depths of my sleep apnea. I only remember bits and pieces of what happened. That may wait for a while though, because there are lots of other series to watch before then, short ones that we can knock out in a quick manner.
I'm glad we're doing this because I always feel better when I'm working with the stuff I already have around me. I may not be frugal in many ways, but if nothing else, I can at least take advantage of the things I already have instead of spending money on stuff I really don't need.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Easter 2014
My Easter was very good. We stayed home and made red beans and rice. This is a new thing for us and I hope it's a tradition we keep. I like it when we start new traditions. Tomorrow we will continue one of our other traditions, which is getting the left over Easter candy. This also always makes me feel pretty happy. The selection is usually limited, but so long as it's not Peeps, I'm good.
There is a lot of weird atmospheric pressure going on right now. Our back door is swollen to the point it is difficult to open or close it. To get the locks to work, you basically have to push your body against the door at juuuuust the right place or the locks are impossible to deal with. This is very annoying and one of the many things about the house I wish could change. Still, it's not an impossible point to handle, just a soulsucking one.
In other parts of the house, the pressure is easier to handle. I was sleeping poorly but my roommate opened one of my windows and that altered the atmosphere in the room enough to where it's not so bad. Last night I slept better than I have in several days. It was quite nice.
My walk was pretty good this afternoon. It's been threatening to rain all day, but hadn't started yet when I walked. I've also started doing stretches in the morning again. Recently I've been reminded that the more limber I am, the better off I am. If that in any way sounded sexy, it shouldn't have. Happy Easter, folks.
There is a lot of weird atmospheric pressure going on right now. Our back door is swollen to the point it is difficult to open or close it. To get the locks to work, you basically have to push your body against the door at juuuuust the right place or the locks are impossible to deal with. This is very annoying and one of the many things about the house I wish could change. Still, it's not an impossible point to handle, just a soulsucking one.
In other parts of the house, the pressure is easier to handle. I was sleeping poorly but my roommate opened one of my windows and that altered the atmosphere in the room enough to where it's not so bad. Last night I slept better than I have in several days. It was quite nice.
My walk was pretty good this afternoon. It's been threatening to rain all day, but hadn't started yet when I walked. I've also started doing stretches in the morning again. Recently I've been reminded that the more limber I am, the better off I am. If that in any way sounded sexy, it shouldn't have. Happy Easter, folks.
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Strange Saterday
Today was long, slow, and strange. I'm not really sure why it felt that way, but it did. Maybe it was the high level of pollen in the air that made it almost impossible to breath. Maybe it was the fact that it never could really be hot OR cold all day, just somehow both. Maybe it was the disquiet my roommate and I are feeling over benefit renewal. I am truth, honestly not sure. All I know is that I've been emotionally twitchy all day and I would like for it to stop.
It didn't help that my sleep last night was horrible. My mask got turned around and started making so much noise that it woke my roommate up. His bedroom is across the house. I still have no idea what happened. I just hope it doesn't happen again.
Anyway, tomorrow is Easter. We're having red beans and rice, which is not a traditional Easter dish for us, but it is what we wanted. The day after, we'll go raid the grocery store for left over Easter candy like the holiday scavengers we are. I love that kind of thing.
In the meantime, I'm going to get some sleep, hopefully better sleep than last night.
It didn't help that my sleep last night was horrible. My mask got turned around and started making so much noise that it woke my roommate up. His bedroom is across the house. I still have no idea what happened. I just hope it doesn't happen again.
Anyway, tomorrow is Easter. We're having red beans and rice, which is not a traditional Easter dish for us, but it is what we wanted. The day after, we'll go raid the grocery store for left over Easter candy like the holiday scavengers we are. I love that kind of thing.
In the meantime, I'm going to get some sleep, hopefully better sleep than last night.
Friday, April 18, 2014
Loathing of Flies
Tonight, we had a slight plague of flies. Okay, ten, which I think in a Biblical sense isn't quite a plague, but it was close. Microplague. Whatever the case, that many flies in a brief amount of time is disturbing. There was nothing normal about these flies either. They were huge and black and nasty. Their possessed very loud buzzing abilities. They evaded the swatters.
When flies of this size and microplague level show up, it always makes me nervous. I always wonder if there is some dead body of something stuck in the walls, the flies having been born in its festering body and grown into fat and happy adulthood within he corpse. My head fills with visions of hundreds of dead mice in my walls. Mice or rats or snakes or all of the above. The thought of my walls being nothing but a refuge for things that slither and die is not one I wish to have.
Then my mind turns to the other reason why flies show up in droves. Demonic possession. Yes, if pop culture has taught me anything, it's that whenever you have demons lurking around, they attract lots of flies. Personally I don't get that. No one likes to have flies crawling on them and the demon feels whatever the human is feeling . . . or so they say. Maybe they don't because twisting someone's head around all the way probably doesn't feel that great.
The thing is, I'm not sure who the demon would be possessing. It's not my roommate. I don't think it's me because I haven't had any urges to try and become a contortionist. Maybe one of the cats? Tinkerbell's been a little more crazy than usual. No, couldn't be her. She's the least likely to puke and the demon would want one of the pukey cats. Those two have been sleeping waaay to much to be possessed.
Though, I guess the demons could be possessing some of the mice or rats or snakes or other things that are slithering around in the walls.
Okay, why did I have to think that?
When flies of this size and microplague level show up, it always makes me nervous. I always wonder if there is some dead body of something stuck in the walls, the flies having been born in its festering body and grown into fat and happy adulthood within he corpse. My head fills with visions of hundreds of dead mice in my walls. Mice or rats or snakes or all of the above. The thought of my walls being nothing but a refuge for things that slither and die is not one I wish to have.
Then my mind turns to the other reason why flies show up in droves. Demonic possession. Yes, if pop culture has taught me anything, it's that whenever you have demons lurking around, they attract lots of flies. Personally I don't get that. No one likes to have flies crawling on them and the demon feels whatever the human is feeling . . . or so they say. Maybe they don't because twisting someone's head around all the way probably doesn't feel that great.
The thing is, I'm not sure who the demon would be possessing. It's not my roommate. I don't think it's me because I haven't had any urges to try and become a contortionist. Maybe one of the cats? Tinkerbell's been a little more crazy than usual. No, couldn't be her. She's the least likely to puke and the demon would want one of the pukey cats. Those two have been sleeping waaay to much to be possessed.
Though, I guess the demons could be possessing some of the mice or rats or snakes or other things that are slithering around in the walls.
Okay, why did I have to think that?
Thursday, April 17, 2014
A Bright Spot in Future Leaders of this Nation
You know, sometimes I feel like things are trying to regress and everyone is just letting it happen. Then I read things like this letter and I actually have some hope for the future. This letter to the bitter old woman is very nice, friendly, offers a very good analogy, and actually gives very little room for anyone to be offended. Oh, I'm sure some people will, but they're offended by everything. This isn't going to be a long post, mostly because I think the link is a better read than anything I could write. I will just say that the people who raise and influence this kid are wonderful.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
The Day After
I'm in less pain than I was yesterday. I'm feeling less violated and horrified by the whole process. This is probably a good thing because I have to go back next month. Hopefully no one will stick anything inside me or do anything that requires dilation. Eek. The bleeding has slowed down to almost nothing. Hopefully it will be gone soon and I can resume my life again.
Today has been really frustrating. I read an article about how the GOP in some states is trying to make it harder to get a divorce and in other states, they want to launch criminal investigations if women miscarry or have babies with birth defects. Way to be limiting the government there, folks. Great job. Whenever I read about stuff like this, the prospect of me getting my uterus sucked out seems all the better of an option.
Anyway, my body is recovering and I'm less emotionally broken about what happened yesterday. I was pretty broken about it too. I do not LIKE to show myself to others and I certainly do not LIKE for them to insert long sticks into my person. I watched a informational animation about the procedure and that did not help at all. Though I DID find out that some people given out painkillers first. That would have been nice.
Actually, painkillers would be nice most days.
Today has been really frustrating. I read an article about how the GOP in some states is trying to make it harder to get a divorce and in other states, they want to launch criminal investigations if women miscarry or have babies with birth defects. Way to be limiting the government there, folks. Great job. Whenever I read about stuff like this, the prospect of me getting my uterus sucked out seems all the better of an option.
Anyway, my body is recovering and I'm less emotionally broken about what happened yesterday. I was pretty broken about it too. I do not LIKE to show myself to others and I certainly do not LIKE for them to insert long sticks into my person. I watched a informational animation about the procedure and that did not help at all. Though I DID find out that some people given out painkillers first. That would have been nice.
Actually, painkillers would be nice most days.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Gyno Update
I found the building okay and the office okay, even though I'm shocked I did. That medical clinic is so large, confusing, and complex that I was halfway expecting to find David Bowie with a big wig, tight pants, and goblins all around him. There was a lot of uphill walking, but I made it. If only marginally. I'm glad I got really insane levels of directions.
I had to wait in the office for quite a while. I know that is typical of doctors, but it wasn't helping my nerves any. It was bad. I was so nerved out my hands couldn't seem to hold the pen I was using to fill out the 80 forms they made me fill out. My leg was twitching badly. I'm sure I looked like a mess.
When I was finally called in, I walked deeper into the bowels of the building. I'd considered leaving my walker with my roommate, but he suggested I take it along, just in case the walk was far past the doors. He was very right in this case. It's kind of seriously annoying how far I had to walk once I was back there.
The doctor herself was nice. I'm so grateful for that. I was terrified she'd be bitchy, but she wasn't. She was very direct with me and asked a lot of questions. Then she did a pap and a uterine biopsy. Both of these things hurt very badly. The biopsy was insanely painful. I just kind of laid there and told myself over and over again that it wouldn't last forever.
It didn't last forever, but the hell of it is, the exam made me start bleeding again. My cervix was very dilated in the process and she actually had to stick something in my uterus, which pissed my uterus off. Logically, this happens to everyone who goes through this exam. Everyone bleeds. Everyone usually stops bleeding after a while.
For me though, standing there with no pants on, watching in dismay as blood pooled on the floor between my legs, all I could think was how I should have just left well enough alone. The Depo was working fine. I'd stopped bleeding. Maybe that could have been the answer. But no, I had to keep pushing this, and now blood was dripping from my body again.
I go back in a month for an ultrasound and another meeting with her. I'm assuming we'll talk about the results from the stuff she did today. Ultrasound shouldn't make me bleed so maybe that appointment will be less stressful. As for now, I'm just hoping everything turns out okay.
I had to wait in the office for quite a while. I know that is typical of doctors, but it wasn't helping my nerves any. It was bad. I was so nerved out my hands couldn't seem to hold the pen I was using to fill out the 80 forms they made me fill out. My leg was twitching badly. I'm sure I looked like a mess.
When I was finally called in, I walked deeper into the bowels of the building. I'd considered leaving my walker with my roommate, but he suggested I take it along, just in case the walk was far past the doors. He was very right in this case. It's kind of seriously annoying how far I had to walk once I was back there.
The doctor herself was nice. I'm so grateful for that. I was terrified she'd be bitchy, but she wasn't. She was very direct with me and asked a lot of questions. Then she did a pap and a uterine biopsy. Both of these things hurt very badly. The biopsy was insanely painful. I just kind of laid there and told myself over and over again that it wouldn't last forever.
It didn't last forever, but the hell of it is, the exam made me start bleeding again. My cervix was very dilated in the process and she actually had to stick something in my uterus, which pissed my uterus off. Logically, this happens to everyone who goes through this exam. Everyone bleeds. Everyone usually stops bleeding after a while.
For me though, standing there with no pants on, watching in dismay as blood pooled on the floor between my legs, all I could think was how I should have just left well enough alone. The Depo was working fine. I'd stopped bleeding. Maybe that could have been the answer. But no, I had to keep pushing this, and now blood was dripping from my body again.
I go back in a month for an ultrasound and another meeting with her. I'm assuming we'll talk about the results from the stuff she did today. Ultrasound shouldn't make me bleed so maybe that appointment will be less stressful. As for now, I'm just hoping everything turns out okay.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
An End to a Magnificent Bastard
Tonight on Game of Thrones, the Purple Wedding happened. Joffrey is dead and everything is about to change for a lot of characters. The episode was beautifully done and the wedding feast was perfection. And Joffrey died. Best part. I'm going to miss Jack Gleeson. He really brought a lot of life to the character. In a time when most villains are portrayed as morally gray, Joffrey was unabashedly horrible. It was most impressive.
As our culture of storytelling becomes more complex, we often find ourselves facing morally gray characters. We have protagonists who make horrible, sometimes evil decisions. We often have antagonists who possess hidden depths and have so much motivation for what they do. I fully well support this kind of character complexity . . . WHEN it is warranted. Sometimes, however, characters (like people in real life) are just assholes.
Joffrey was horrible. He was a brat. He was a coward. He wanted to be the best, most scary warrior around, but never fought in any battle or directly challenged anyone who could have posed a real threat to him. He was selfish and violent. He loved to humiliate people who were clearly in no position to defend themselves. Worst of all, he was the king. He had the power to kill everyone else around him and no one truly had the legal power to stop him. The fact that he was poisoned at his own wedding seemed a fitting death.
I don't think this makes him a flat character though. He was awful, but it was very easy to see why he was awful. His mother spoiled him, as he was the perfect product of the love she shared with her twin. Cersei's vanity played a large role in shaping the man Joff would become. She believed nothing imperfect could come from her and Jaime and therefor turned a blind eye to so much of Joff's actions. The biggest mistake she made was thinking she could control him.
As much as people want to put the blame of Joffrey's behavior on Cersei, I think Robert was just as much to blame. Robert may have not been Joff's biological father, but Joff didn't know that. The person that Joff was, and the king that he became, is very much a reflection of the spoiled jackass that Robert became once he gained the throne. Robert was loud and violent. He liked to hunt and kill things. He loved to make people do whatever he wanted them to do, always reminding them that he was the king. Robert killed his enemies and Joff believed he was doing the same thing. Robert crushed any rebellions and Joff believed he should do the same thing. Robert would not stand for anyone to question him, and neither would Joffrey. He may have been Jaime's son in blood, but he was Robert's son in deed.
And now he is dead. He was the big, horrible head of the hydra and the characters get to breath a sigh of relief for one second before the new hydra springs some new heads. Things get vastly more dark after this, but that is only fitting. The king is dead. Long live the madness.
As our culture of storytelling becomes more complex, we often find ourselves facing morally gray characters. We have protagonists who make horrible, sometimes evil decisions. We often have antagonists who possess hidden depths and have so much motivation for what they do. I fully well support this kind of character complexity . . . WHEN it is warranted. Sometimes, however, characters (like people in real life) are just assholes.
Joffrey was horrible. He was a brat. He was a coward. He wanted to be the best, most scary warrior around, but never fought in any battle or directly challenged anyone who could have posed a real threat to him. He was selfish and violent. He loved to humiliate people who were clearly in no position to defend themselves. Worst of all, he was the king. He had the power to kill everyone else around him and no one truly had the legal power to stop him. The fact that he was poisoned at his own wedding seemed a fitting death.
I don't think this makes him a flat character though. He was awful, but it was very easy to see why he was awful. His mother spoiled him, as he was the perfect product of the love she shared with her twin. Cersei's vanity played a large role in shaping the man Joff would become. She believed nothing imperfect could come from her and Jaime and therefor turned a blind eye to so much of Joff's actions. The biggest mistake she made was thinking she could control him.
As much as people want to put the blame of Joffrey's behavior on Cersei, I think Robert was just as much to blame. Robert may have not been Joff's biological father, but Joff didn't know that. The person that Joff was, and the king that he became, is very much a reflection of the spoiled jackass that Robert became once he gained the throne. Robert was loud and violent. He liked to hunt and kill things. He loved to make people do whatever he wanted them to do, always reminding them that he was the king. Robert killed his enemies and Joff believed he was doing the same thing. Robert crushed any rebellions and Joff believed he should do the same thing. Robert would not stand for anyone to question him, and neither would Joffrey. He may have been Jaime's son in blood, but he was Robert's son in deed.
And now he is dead. He was the big, horrible head of the hydra and the characters get to breath a sigh of relief for one second before the new hydra springs some new heads. Things get vastly more dark after this, but that is only fitting. The king is dead. Long live the madness.
Friday, April 11, 2014
Honest Blips of Light
There is now a machine that can be used to show the way that emotions manifest in your brain. When you feel pleasure, certain parts light up. When you feel sadness or unhappiness, other parts light up. This machine is being used in a lot of neural mapping, though I think the applications go a lot farther than that. Being able to display the emotions you are actually feeling could create a different kind of communication, both with others and with ourselves.
First of all, even though we are intelligent people, a lot of us have trouble expressing to others how they are making us feel. Some things just aren't polite. Sometimes we don't want to hurt other people's feelings. Sometimes we just don't believe they could understand what we are going through. But what if they could? What if we had a device that could display our emotions for us? That way the person who talks about boring crap could know that we're bored with them and maybe they wouldn't keep bothering us with stories about their grandkids. Maybe the person who thinks we're so 'into them' would see that we're mostly just annoyed and uncomfortable when they're around. Maybe the person who thinks we never see them at all would realize how happy we get when they walk into the room.
Now, if you're thinking 'you could just TELL them,' keep in mind that that isn't always so simple. Sometimes you can tell someone the truth and they won't believe you. Sometimes you can give every indication that they are annoying you and they're so self-centered, they just don't see it. Sometimes, you don't even see it. After all, we're not always that forthcoming with our own desires.
A lot of people have a conflict between who they are and who they think they SHOULD be. They think they SHOULD like healthy food, even though they are completely unhappy when they eat it. They think they SHOULD NOT watch My Little Pony, even though the show fills them with joy. They think they SHOULD have a career, even though they really just want to stay home and do as little as possible. The person they truly are is always at odds with the person they're trying to be. The end result is someone who is always unhappy, even if they accomplish all the goals they think they SHOULD accomplish.
And no, I'm not saying you shouldn't work and shouldn't clean the house just because you don't want to. I'm saying that maybe accepting the fact that you're doing stuff you would rather not be doing (but are still required to do) would go a long way toward you seeking out other activities that DO make you happy. If you do those as well as the stuff required of you, your life might get a little nicer.
I realize this kind of emotional honesty would probably end a lot of relationships. Most folks would probably decide that it's uncomfortable to be in a house with someone who hates the sight of them. I'm okay with this destroying relationships. If someone IS making you so miserable that you fantasize about destroying those bones behind your ears so that you NEVER have to hear their voice again, you probably SHOULD NOT be married to them. Why not just let the truth be known, end things, and try to go find some happiness?
First of all, even though we are intelligent people, a lot of us have trouble expressing to others how they are making us feel. Some things just aren't polite. Sometimes we don't want to hurt other people's feelings. Sometimes we just don't believe they could understand what we are going through. But what if they could? What if we had a device that could display our emotions for us? That way the person who talks about boring crap could know that we're bored with them and maybe they wouldn't keep bothering us with stories about their grandkids. Maybe the person who thinks we're so 'into them' would see that we're mostly just annoyed and uncomfortable when they're around. Maybe the person who thinks we never see them at all would realize how happy we get when they walk into the room.
Now, if you're thinking 'you could just TELL them,' keep in mind that that isn't always so simple. Sometimes you can tell someone the truth and they won't believe you. Sometimes you can give every indication that they are annoying you and they're so self-centered, they just don't see it. Sometimes, you don't even see it. After all, we're not always that forthcoming with our own desires.
A lot of people have a conflict between who they are and who they think they SHOULD be. They think they SHOULD like healthy food, even though they are completely unhappy when they eat it. They think they SHOULD NOT watch My Little Pony, even though the show fills them with joy. They think they SHOULD have a career, even though they really just want to stay home and do as little as possible. The person they truly are is always at odds with the person they're trying to be. The end result is someone who is always unhappy, even if they accomplish all the goals they think they SHOULD accomplish.
And no, I'm not saying you shouldn't work and shouldn't clean the house just because you don't want to. I'm saying that maybe accepting the fact that you're doing stuff you would rather not be doing (but are still required to do) would go a long way toward you seeking out other activities that DO make you happy. If you do those as well as the stuff required of you, your life might get a little nicer.
I realize this kind of emotional honesty would probably end a lot of relationships. Most folks would probably decide that it's uncomfortable to be in a house with someone who hates the sight of them. I'm okay with this destroying relationships. If someone IS making you so miserable that you fantasize about destroying those bones behind your ears so that you NEVER have to hear their voice again, you probably SHOULD NOT be married to them. Why not just let the truth be known, end things, and try to go find some happiness?
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Printed Food
I'm having somewhat of a dilemma here because an actual technology that I love is starting to bleed over into a fictional technology that I loathe. And while I understand the practicality of the tech being developed, it still makes me somewhat uncomfortable because I know where this is going. At this point, I'm just not really sure how to feel about this.
This article talks about how the EU is researching a program that would 3D print specialized food for the elderly. They will soon be facing a population where one out of every five people will be over 65, many of them in situations where they need outside help to care for themselves. And as we age, our nutritional needs change. A lot of older people also develop a condition that makes it difficult for them to swallow solid foods, meaning that a lot of things have to be mushed down or pureed for them. This takes a lot of the pleasurable aspects out of eating,
Printing out food that is nutritionally sound and textually manageable for the elderly is a very good thing, especially if this can be done at a reasonable price. It could put a very huge dent in the malnutrition faced by many senior citizens and give them something to look forward to. Let's face it, as we age, our pleasurable activities become less and less. Food is one of the few that we can maintain. Once that is taken away from us, a lot of the motivation to continue living begins to fade.
I've been fascinated with 3D printing and what it is capable of for quite a while now. I fully well support the expansion of this technology because I think it could bring a lot of joy to a lot of people's life. The 3D printing of food is no exception to this.
The problem is, I always hated the food replicators on Star Trek. I found them to be so cold and dehumanizing. Particles that just form together to make something, with none of the soul of an actually cooked meal. Cooking is an art. Each person who cooks has their own methods, how they dash spices, how they stir, how and when they decide to add things. This gives a level of uniqueness and personalty to each dish. I always felt like that was a very important part of the process. To just make things materialize out of particles removed so much of the substance of the meal.
Of course, I realize that the 3D printed meals would be nothing near as advanced as the replicators. They are taking actual food stuffs and creating a different type of meal out of them. Recipes will still have to be formulated. And really, even if it was like the replicators, I think, given the benefit of what this could do for people, I should just get over it. The good outweighs my disquiet.
I guess I also have to take into consideration that I'm a lot closer to being old than I am to being young. One day in the not so distant future, I may be one of the people who could benefit from this kind of program. I may be an old woman who lives in a printed out house and eats printed out meals. Wouldn't that be an interesting way to spend my last days?
This article talks about how the EU is researching a program that would 3D print specialized food for the elderly. They will soon be facing a population where one out of every five people will be over 65, many of them in situations where they need outside help to care for themselves. And as we age, our nutritional needs change. A lot of older people also develop a condition that makes it difficult for them to swallow solid foods, meaning that a lot of things have to be mushed down or pureed for them. This takes a lot of the pleasurable aspects out of eating,
Printing out food that is nutritionally sound and textually manageable for the elderly is a very good thing, especially if this can be done at a reasonable price. It could put a very huge dent in the malnutrition faced by many senior citizens and give them something to look forward to. Let's face it, as we age, our pleasurable activities become less and less. Food is one of the few that we can maintain. Once that is taken away from us, a lot of the motivation to continue living begins to fade.
I've been fascinated with 3D printing and what it is capable of for quite a while now. I fully well support the expansion of this technology because I think it could bring a lot of joy to a lot of people's life. The 3D printing of food is no exception to this.
The problem is, I always hated the food replicators on Star Trek. I found them to be so cold and dehumanizing. Particles that just form together to make something, with none of the soul of an actually cooked meal. Cooking is an art. Each person who cooks has their own methods, how they dash spices, how they stir, how and when they decide to add things. This gives a level of uniqueness and personalty to each dish. I always felt like that was a very important part of the process. To just make things materialize out of particles removed so much of the substance of the meal.
Of course, I realize that the 3D printed meals would be nothing near as advanced as the replicators. They are taking actual food stuffs and creating a different type of meal out of them. Recipes will still have to be formulated. And really, even if it was like the replicators, I think, given the benefit of what this could do for people, I should just get over it. The good outweighs my disquiet.
I guess I also have to take into consideration that I'm a lot closer to being old than I am to being young. One day in the not so distant future, I may be one of the people who could benefit from this kind of program. I may be an old woman who lives in a printed out house and eats printed out meals. Wouldn't that be an interesting way to spend my last days?
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
We Are Not All the Same
It looks like they killed the bill that would make it illegal to pay someone less just based on their gender. I have a feeling this will continue to be the case. A lot of people say women don't get paid as much because they don't demand to be paid as much, but then again, when women do demand to be paid as much, they still don't get paid as much because it's just not required. And that sucks. What sucks even more is some of the stuff that comes out of people's months whenever this issue gets brought up.
"Women don't want to be paid as much as men. Women want men to make more money so the men will take them out on dates and buy them gifts."
REALLY? So the women who are already married and doing whatever they can to keep their family from losing their mortgage is just fine with making less money than men because of dates? So the lesbian women are just fine with making less money so that men can take them on dates? So the women who plan to live single and celibate are just totally happy to make less money so that men will take them on dates and buy them things?
There are probably some women who want men to take them on dates and buy them things. The rest of us have no interest in that and should not be punished. How about instead of paying us less, we let these women who actually feel that way just PRETEND the man is making more money and PRETEND he's paying for the date. That way she gets to have her useless romantic fiction and the rest of us can make a car payment.
"Women are less interested in equal pay and more interested in flexible hours."
There ARE some women who like flexible hours. They have children or parents or other unpredictable situations that make flexible hours look great. However, I think if you asked most of these women if they would rather have 33% more pay or more flex time, the majority of them would opt for the pay. When people have dependents, more money can only make the situation easier. Yes, you may miss little Taxwriteoff's recital, but I'm sure little Taxwriteoff will forgive you when you get to keep the electricity for that month.
Beyond that, women who do not have children, sick parents, or other dependents certainly do not value flexible hours over more money. Why would they? Anyone who has managed to avoid the plague of people eating into their time will want to be making as much cash as possible. Flexible hours aren't all that important.
I think one of the main problems here is that when certain politicians think of "women," they really think of "mothers and/or potential mothers." They never consider the growing population of women who have no children now and won't have any in the future. When you talk to people like me, you're not going to get far by telling me about how your political party plans to improve elementary education. I don't have kids, so I really don't care very much. Tell me about stuff that applies to me and if you have nothing that applies directly to me, I am never going to see you as a political ally.
"Women don't want to be paid as much as men. Women want men to make more money so the men will take them out on dates and buy them gifts."
REALLY? So the women who are already married and doing whatever they can to keep their family from losing their mortgage is just fine with making less money than men because of dates? So the lesbian women are just fine with making less money so that men can take them on dates? So the women who plan to live single and celibate are just totally happy to make less money so that men will take them on dates and buy them things?
There are probably some women who want men to take them on dates and buy them things. The rest of us have no interest in that and should not be punished. How about instead of paying us less, we let these women who actually feel that way just PRETEND the man is making more money and PRETEND he's paying for the date. That way she gets to have her useless romantic fiction and the rest of us can make a car payment.
"Women are less interested in equal pay and more interested in flexible hours."
There ARE some women who like flexible hours. They have children or parents or other unpredictable situations that make flexible hours look great. However, I think if you asked most of these women if they would rather have 33% more pay or more flex time, the majority of them would opt for the pay. When people have dependents, more money can only make the situation easier. Yes, you may miss little Taxwriteoff's recital, but I'm sure little Taxwriteoff will forgive you when you get to keep the electricity for that month.
Beyond that, women who do not have children, sick parents, or other dependents certainly do not value flexible hours over more money. Why would they? Anyone who has managed to avoid the plague of people eating into their time will want to be making as much cash as possible. Flexible hours aren't all that important.
I think one of the main problems here is that when certain politicians think of "women," they really think of "mothers and/or potential mothers." They never consider the growing population of women who have no children now and won't have any in the future. When you talk to people like me, you're not going to get far by telling me about how your political party plans to improve elementary education. I don't have kids, so I really don't care very much. Tell me about stuff that applies to me and if you have nothing that applies directly to me, I am never going to see you as a political ally.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Tuesdays
Today was supposed to be therapy day, but that got canceled. Not my doing. Therapy Day will be canceled next week and it WILL be my doing. That is the day I go to the gyno. I told the receptionist at the therapy place that I would take an off day appointment if that was possible. We'll see. Depending on how things go next week, I may NEED the extra day of therapy. Who knows what Gyno Day will bring.
Since I wasn't going to have therapy but still felt the need to be involved in medical discussions, I called my gyno's office to find out how to get there. I have to say, I really really hate the fact that I'm 45 minutes away from specialists. This means that I'm always in this situation where all appointments run the risk of cars screwing up and me needing to pee once I get there. That's probably not the best situation to be in when seeing a gynecologist.
Still, it's better than having to drive all the way to Tulsa for an appointment like my roommate was going to have to do. I say "going" because we found out today the bus is running again! YAY! Much rejoicing! That trip was going to end up being a huge pain for everyone involved. I'm glad it doesn't have to happen. He looked deeply happy it wasn't going to happen. For the first time in months, we have good news from his specialists.
After our respective phone calls, we paid some bills and checked the mail. Nothing on our renewal yet. Maybe tomorrow.
Since I wasn't going to have therapy but still felt the need to be involved in medical discussions, I called my gyno's office to find out how to get there. I have to say, I really really hate the fact that I'm 45 minutes away from specialists. This means that I'm always in this situation where all appointments run the risk of cars screwing up and me needing to pee once I get there. That's probably not the best situation to be in when seeing a gynecologist.
Still, it's better than having to drive all the way to Tulsa for an appointment like my roommate was going to have to do. I say "going" because we found out today the bus is running again! YAY! Much rejoicing! That trip was going to end up being a huge pain for everyone involved. I'm glad it doesn't have to happen. He looked deeply happy it wasn't going to happen. For the first time in months, we have good news from his specialists.
After our respective phone calls, we paid some bills and checked the mail. Nothing on our renewal yet. Maybe tomorrow.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Fear of Fear
I'm doing a new workbook in therapy right now. It's over panic attacks, their root causes, and how to handle them. I'm only into the second chapter, but it's given me a lot to think about. Panic attacks are something I suffer with from time to time. They can be quite difficult and, as the book points out, demoralizing. They can make you feel like a captive in your own life. Sometimes they can be so horrible, you actually become a captive in your own life.
A lot of people who suffer with panic attacks are so horrified by the attacks themselves that they will go to great lengths to avoid them. I certainly understand this reaction. There is nothing that makes you feel as crazy as a panic attack does. Your body isn't yours. Sometimes, in fact, you don't even feel like you're in your body. It's more like you're outside of it, floating above it or to the side of it, only connected by the racing of your heart of the boiling acid in your belly. It is a horrible way to feel and if life has to be like that, it probably isn't worth living.
The only way that seems to make sense to a lot of people is to avoid any situation that might cause a panic attack. They begin to avoid triggers. Triggers are different for everyone, but they can be anything. People can be triggers, so can locations, situations, and sometimes even a random object. For example, the chapter talked about a woman who had a phobia over lobsters. She would panic so badly when she would see a lobster (living, dead, fake, or otherwise), she feared people would just assume she was crazy. Because of this, she avoided lobsters at all costs. No vacations to coastal places is limiting, but not that bad. But when you have to send someone into a restaurant to see if they have lobster on the menu before you will go in or you have to ask people to watch a movie before you do to make sure no lobsters are seen, it gets a little more tricky.
Being afraid can be such a prison. Panic at the thought of rejection can keep you from ever saying anything to someone. Fear of failing can keep you from ever trying to really succeed. Fear of losing everything can cause you to live a life where you intentionally let everything slip through your fingers, only, you know, at your own decision. At the end of the day, you find yourself making almost every decision based on if it can help you avoid what you fear.
I think a lot of people kill themselves over their fears. Sometimes they do this quickly. Other times, they allow themselves to die a little bit more each day, always choosing the most unhealthy option, because they despair of the life they're in. I think no one wants to talk about how many suicide notes run something along the lines of "Hey Person(s) in my life. I'm killing myself because whatever death holds is better than spending one more day with your horrible ass." Why didn't they just leave the person? Well, there was probably a lot of fear involved in that too. And packing. No one likes packing.
So in the morning, I will get up and try not to panic when I shower (because the faucet could screw up) and try not to panic when I drive (because the van could screw up) and try not to panic during therapy (because I could start hellbleeding again) and try not to panic when I go to pick up mail (because bad things could be in the mail). I'll trudge forward and keep going, pushing down the fear and reminding myself that things are going to be okay . . . even if most of me doesn't believe that. I'll remind myself that irrational fear is irrational . . . and that rational fear is a waste of me energy. Eventually, hopefully, I'll accept that.
A lot of people who suffer with panic attacks are so horrified by the attacks themselves that they will go to great lengths to avoid them. I certainly understand this reaction. There is nothing that makes you feel as crazy as a panic attack does. Your body isn't yours. Sometimes, in fact, you don't even feel like you're in your body. It's more like you're outside of it, floating above it or to the side of it, only connected by the racing of your heart of the boiling acid in your belly. It is a horrible way to feel and if life has to be like that, it probably isn't worth living.
The only way that seems to make sense to a lot of people is to avoid any situation that might cause a panic attack. They begin to avoid triggers. Triggers are different for everyone, but they can be anything. People can be triggers, so can locations, situations, and sometimes even a random object. For example, the chapter talked about a woman who had a phobia over lobsters. She would panic so badly when she would see a lobster (living, dead, fake, or otherwise), she feared people would just assume she was crazy. Because of this, she avoided lobsters at all costs. No vacations to coastal places is limiting, but not that bad. But when you have to send someone into a restaurant to see if they have lobster on the menu before you will go in or you have to ask people to watch a movie before you do to make sure no lobsters are seen, it gets a little more tricky.
Being afraid can be such a prison. Panic at the thought of rejection can keep you from ever saying anything to someone. Fear of failing can keep you from ever trying to really succeed. Fear of losing everything can cause you to live a life where you intentionally let everything slip through your fingers, only, you know, at your own decision. At the end of the day, you find yourself making almost every decision based on if it can help you avoid what you fear.
I think a lot of people kill themselves over their fears. Sometimes they do this quickly. Other times, they allow themselves to die a little bit more each day, always choosing the most unhealthy option, because they despair of the life they're in. I think no one wants to talk about how many suicide notes run something along the lines of "Hey Person(s) in my life. I'm killing myself because whatever death holds is better than spending one more day with your horrible ass." Why didn't they just leave the person? Well, there was probably a lot of fear involved in that too. And packing. No one likes packing.
So in the morning, I will get up and try not to panic when I shower (because the faucet could screw up) and try not to panic when I drive (because the van could screw up) and try not to panic during therapy (because I could start hellbleeding again) and try not to panic when I go to pick up mail (because bad things could be in the mail). I'll trudge forward and keep going, pushing down the fear and reminding myself that things are going to be okay . . . even if most of me doesn't believe that. I'll remind myself that irrational fear is irrational . . . and that rational fear is a waste of me energy. Eventually, hopefully, I'll accept that.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
And Another One Bites the Dust
I'm not really sure what to write about tonight. My weekend was good, but I'm stressed out. This is the week I will hear about benefit renewal and until that happens, I'm going to be stressed. This time of year is always rough because of that. This time of year is also rough because usually around spring, things begin to screw up. Cars, things in the house, etc. I guess it's because they managed to survive the winter and now have to die. I really hope nothing happens because that would be predictable and annoying. The year has been shitty enough so far. I'd like some time to just relax and be calm before summer shows up and ruins everything.
Gmail killed off its texting feature. This really annoyed me because I used it a lot. I realize that texting is embedded in a lot of different things now, but I was comfortable and happy with what I had. Now I have to find something else and it's going to be a pain. I seriously doubt I was the only person who used that program. I guess there just wasn't enough of us.
Of course, every time something like this happens, I think about Glitch. It still upsets me that Glitch died. I really believe it could have sustained. I really believe that if the creators had just contented themselves to making a profit off of what they had instead of looking for a profit off of the sell of the game, they could still be making a decent (maybe not amazing, but decent) living off of the game. Instead, they recently released all of their code and told people that if anyone wanted to use it to try and start the game back up, they could. Yeah, that was smart. You could have made a nice living off of the game and now you're just giving all your hard work and effort away for nothing.
It's cold and I've not been getting enough sleep of late. I'm hoping to maybe change that tonight. We'll see.
Gmail killed off its texting feature. This really annoyed me because I used it a lot. I realize that texting is embedded in a lot of different things now, but I was comfortable and happy with what I had. Now I have to find something else and it's going to be a pain. I seriously doubt I was the only person who used that program. I guess there just wasn't enough of us.
Of course, every time something like this happens, I think about Glitch. It still upsets me that Glitch died. I really believe it could have sustained. I really believe that if the creators had just contented themselves to making a profit off of what they had instead of looking for a profit off of the sell of the game, they could still be making a decent (maybe not amazing, but decent) living off of the game. Instead, they recently released all of their code and told people that if anyone wanted to use it to try and start the game back up, they could. Yeah, that was smart. You could have made a nice living off of the game and now you're just giving all your hard work and effort away for nothing.
It's cold and I've not been getting enough sleep of late. I'm hoping to maybe change that tonight. We'll see.
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Stop Starts
Yesterday it was warm and my roommate decided to wash all of the winter blankets and put them away. It got very cold in the middle of the night and has stayed cold ever since. Half of the blankets have already been put into storage. Most of the rest of them are piled up by the window, ready to be placed in the storage trunk as soon as possible.
As soon as possible did not turn out to be today. Even if my roommate had wanted to put them away, he couldn't have. The cats found the pile of blankets . . . and decided it was their new home. During part of the day, they would sleep on top of the pile. At other points, they would bury themselves between the layers of blankets. Every time one of us would go near the pile, we'd get dirty looks. It was their new castle. We'd best stay away.
We also experienced a minor scare today. Last night, a boil order notice had gone out for people in our area, but not in our town. This morning when we went to Walmart, it seemed that the order had expanded to include our town, which would have been fine had we not already drank the water, washed our hands with it, and brushed our teeth. It was a frightening drive home as we considered the possibilities of what this might cause. No one wants to get sick from nasty water.
However, when we got home, we found out that the boil order had been lifted. The water was tested again and proved to be clean. Yay! No boiling! No sickness. No finding a giant worm in the toilet ten years from now and wondering how it got there. With calmer minds and less potentially deadly circumstances, we continued our day, watching the cats lounge on the piles of blankets.
We may never get those blankets back.
As soon as possible did not turn out to be today. Even if my roommate had wanted to put them away, he couldn't have. The cats found the pile of blankets . . . and decided it was their new home. During part of the day, they would sleep on top of the pile. At other points, they would bury themselves between the layers of blankets. Every time one of us would go near the pile, we'd get dirty looks. It was their new castle. We'd best stay away.
We also experienced a minor scare today. Last night, a boil order notice had gone out for people in our area, but not in our town. This morning when we went to Walmart, it seemed that the order had expanded to include our town, which would have been fine had we not already drank the water, washed our hands with it, and brushed our teeth. It was a frightening drive home as we considered the possibilities of what this might cause. No one wants to get sick from nasty water.
However, when we got home, we found out that the boil order had been lifted. The water was tested again and proved to be clean. Yay! No boiling! No sickness. No finding a giant worm in the toilet ten years from now and wondering how it got there. With calmer minds and less potentially deadly circumstances, we continued our day, watching the cats lounge on the piles of blankets.
We may never get those blankets back.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Bunny Revisited
I made another bunny. This time, I made some basic changed, most of which were discussed on my assessment of the last bunny. This time, I used a larger hook, changed the eyes to buttons, altered the size of the ears, and attached almost everything before stuffing and closing. The differences were pretty amazing. The bunny doesn't look like an alien . . . though I'm not sure he looks anymore like a bunny. He's less cumbersome, but somehow also less stable. His personality is vastly different from the first one.
Part of the problem was my yarn size. I went with a softer yarn this time because the first bunny's yarn was so very tight. This one had a softer, loose quality to it, but it also had a lot of space between the stitches. I ended up having to restitch a lot of it to make it to where the filling wouldn't show. I think if I do another one, it is going to have to have a much thicker yarn. There just isn't a way around that.
I think I'm also going to have to experiment on the body's shape. The pattern just ends up making it too narrow and I believe that is a lot of the reason why the bunnies have toppling issues. The tail helps, but even then it sits a bit wobbly. It wasn't until I attached the basket that it really found some stability. I'm thinking the body is going to have to be wider. It needs more bulk towards the bottom as a way to keep the bunny balanced.
However, it was very useful to make the changes I did. A lot of the kinks from the first one were worked out. The second one has quite a lot of stuff working in its favor and I'm happy about that. Here's looking at bunny number three.
Part of the problem was my yarn size. I went with a softer yarn this time because the first bunny's yarn was so very tight. This one had a softer, loose quality to it, but it also had a lot of space between the stitches. I ended up having to restitch a lot of it to make it to where the filling wouldn't show. I think if I do another one, it is going to have to have a much thicker yarn. There just isn't a way around that.
I think I'm also going to have to experiment on the body's shape. The pattern just ends up making it too narrow and I believe that is a lot of the reason why the bunnies have toppling issues. The tail helps, but even then it sits a bit wobbly. It wasn't until I attached the basket that it really found some stability. I'm thinking the body is going to have to be wider. It needs more bulk towards the bottom as a way to keep the bunny balanced.
However, it was very useful to make the changes I did. A lot of the kinks from the first one were worked out. The second one has quite a lot of stuff working in its favor and I'm happy about that. Here's looking at bunny number three.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
News and Actually Good News
My doctor's office called today and I have an appointment set to see the gynecologist. It's in less than two weeks and fairly early in the morning. I wasn't expecting the call and, quite honestly, didn't expect to see anyone until I'd seen my doctor again. The fact that this is happening is pretty exciting.
Normally when I have to go to the doctor, I'm pretty terrified. This is especially true when I'm meeting a new doctor. Actually, there are so many levels of possible nervousness here. I'm meeting a new doctor. I'm going to a place I don't know. People will stare at me. Comments will probably be made about my weight. I will have to do walking and I may get lost. I will probably have to show someone my vagina.
But you know what? I really don't care about all of that. No walking, staring, judging, commenting, or showing of vaginae is anywhere near as horrible as the hellblood. That situation was so absolutely horrible that the normal discomforts of going to a doctor seem very mild in comparison. This is certainly a time when I have gained a lot of perspective. So long as the hellblood is somehow stopped, I don't care what I have to do.
So I guess I'm one of those emotions that is the opposite of nervous. Calm. Serene. Relieved. You know, one of those. I'm usually not those things so I have trouble telling them apart. In any event, hopefully this time two weeks from now, I'll have some kind of plan in motion to put my Female Troubles to an end. That would be so, so nice.
Normally when I have to go to the doctor, I'm pretty terrified. This is especially true when I'm meeting a new doctor. Actually, there are so many levels of possible nervousness here. I'm meeting a new doctor. I'm going to a place I don't know. People will stare at me. Comments will probably be made about my weight. I will have to do walking and I may get lost. I will probably have to show someone my vagina.
But you know what? I really don't care about all of that. No walking, staring, judging, commenting, or showing of vaginae is anywhere near as horrible as the hellblood. That situation was so absolutely horrible that the normal discomforts of going to a doctor seem very mild in comparison. This is certainly a time when I have gained a lot of perspective. So long as the hellblood is somehow stopped, I don't care what I have to do.
So I guess I'm one of those emotions that is the opposite of nervous. Calm. Serene. Relieved. You know, one of those. I'm usually not those things so I have trouble telling them apart. In any event, hopefully this time two weeks from now, I'll have some kind of plan in motion to put my Female Troubles to an end. That would be so, so nice.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
TV Geekery
First of all, GAME OF THRONES SEASON FOUR STARTS THIS WEEK YAY!!!! It has been way too long. I'm kind of mainlining myself on news articles and featurettes. I should probably watch the past season before Sunday to make sure it's all fresh in my head. Squeee!! I am so excited for it to be back on. The best thing about it is that it's not even the episodes themselves. It's the cartoons and discussions and memes and parodies that will come along with it. It's like so much of the internet celebrates Game of Thrones together.
On the flip side, my roommate and I have officially decided to stop watching a show we have watched for a long time. I'm kind of sad about this. Normally when we stop watching shows, I'm NOT that sad about it because I've stopped caring about the characters. I really haven't stopped caring about these characters, but the show plotting, pacing, and story progression of the show has just become a mess. The show needs to be more intelligently written than it is. The characters that I like are being written in stupid ways just to force the plot to hang together. It's become such a chore to watch that I put it off as long as possible. When that kind of thing happens, there really is no point in going on with the show.
The reality shows are going as they usually do. I'm somewhat frustrated with some of them because they've been on long enough for the current contestants to KNOW what is required of them. Tonight a guy on Face Off stood there and talked about how he'd never designed a robot before. Really? Okay, but........this is Face Off. Chances are, you're going to be required to create something robotic. With a show like this, you're best off studying how a variety of things work. Machines, plant structures, the physiology of various animals different types.
Then on Drag Race, this same complaint came up. "Oh, I don't know how to do x." Granted, in many ways, Drag Race is the most complicated reality show out there. Contestants are asked to do their makeup, hair, outfits, be men who look like women, sing, dance, lipsync , act, rap, be funny, and have personality. It's a lot to cover. At the same time, anyone who goes onto this show KNOWS a lot will be required of them. Best to prepare.
It's like my confusion over the people who go on Survivor and can't swim. Really? You're usually on an island surrounded by water!
Anyway, enough of my TV geekery. It's bad enough you'll be having to hear about Game of Thrones for the next ten weeks.
On the flip side, my roommate and I have officially decided to stop watching a show we have watched for a long time. I'm kind of sad about this. Normally when we stop watching shows, I'm NOT that sad about it because I've stopped caring about the characters. I really haven't stopped caring about these characters, but the show plotting, pacing, and story progression of the show has just become a mess. The show needs to be more intelligently written than it is. The characters that I like are being written in stupid ways just to force the plot to hang together. It's become such a chore to watch that I put it off as long as possible. When that kind of thing happens, there really is no point in going on with the show.
The reality shows are going as they usually do. I'm somewhat frustrated with some of them because they've been on long enough for the current contestants to KNOW what is required of them. Tonight a guy on Face Off stood there and talked about how he'd never designed a robot before. Really? Okay, but........this is Face Off. Chances are, you're going to be required to create something robotic. With a show like this, you're best off studying how a variety of things work. Machines, plant structures, the physiology of various animals different types.
Then on Drag Race, this same complaint came up. "Oh, I don't know how to do x." Granted, in many ways, Drag Race is the most complicated reality show out there. Contestants are asked to do their makeup, hair, outfits, be men who look like women, sing, dance, lipsync , act, rap, be funny, and have personality. It's a lot to cover. At the same time, anyone who goes onto this show KNOWS a lot will be required of them. Best to prepare.
It's like my confusion over the people who go on Survivor and can't swim. Really? You're usually on an island surrounded by water!
Anyway, enough of my TV geekery. It's bad enough you'll be having to hear about Game of Thrones for the next ten weeks.
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