I'm doing a new workbook in therapy right now. It's over panic attacks, their root causes, and how to handle them. I'm only into the second chapter, but it's given me a lot to think about. Panic attacks are something I suffer with from time to time. They can be quite difficult and, as the book points out, demoralizing. They can make you feel like a captive in your own life. Sometimes they can be so horrible, you actually become a captive in your own life.
A lot of people who suffer with panic attacks are so horrified by the attacks themselves that they will go to great lengths to avoid them. I certainly understand this reaction. There is nothing that makes you feel as crazy as a panic attack does. Your body isn't yours. Sometimes, in fact, you don't even feel like you're in your body. It's more like you're outside of it, floating above it or to the side of it, only connected by the racing of your heart of the boiling acid in your belly. It is a horrible way to feel and if life has to be like that, it probably isn't worth living.
The only way that seems to make sense to a lot of people is to avoid any situation that might cause a panic attack. They begin to avoid triggers. Triggers are different for everyone, but they can be anything. People can be triggers, so can locations, situations, and sometimes even a random object. For example, the chapter talked about a woman who had a phobia over lobsters. She would panic so badly when she would see a lobster (living, dead, fake, or otherwise), she feared people would just assume she was crazy. Because of this, she avoided lobsters at all costs. No vacations to coastal places is limiting, but not that bad. But when you have to send someone into a restaurant to see if they have lobster on the menu before you will go in or you have to ask people to watch a movie before you do to make sure no lobsters are seen, it gets a little more tricky.
Being afraid can be such a prison. Panic at the thought of rejection can keep you from ever saying anything to someone. Fear of failing can keep you from ever trying to really succeed. Fear of losing everything can cause you to live a life where you intentionally let everything slip through your fingers, only, you know, at your own decision. At the end of the day, you find yourself making almost every decision based on if it can help you avoid what you fear.
I think a lot of people kill themselves over their fears. Sometimes they do this quickly. Other times, they allow themselves to die a little bit more each day, always choosing the most unhealthy option, because they despair of the life they're in. I think no one wants to talk about how many suicide notes run something along the lines of "Hey Person(s) in my life. I'm killing myself because whatever death holds is better than spending one more day with your horrible ass." Why didn't they just leave the person? Well, there was probably a lot of fear involved in that too. And packing. No one likes packing.
So in the morning, I will get up and try not to panic when I shower (because the faucet could screw up) and try not to panic when I drive (because the van could screw up) and try not to panic during therapy (because I could start hellbleeding again) and try not to panic when I go to pick up mail (because bad things could be in the mail). I'll trudge forward and keep going, pushing down the fear and reminding myself that things are going to be okay . . . even if most of me doesn't believe that. I'll remind myself that irrational fear is irrational . . . and that rational fear is a waste of me energy. Eventually, hopefully, I'll accept that.
This is a great post. I definitely struggle with fear and anxiety. Sometimes I probably don't have enough compassion for myself about it, and force myself to press on and do things that I sometimes should probably avoid. But then you run the risk, like you say, of never pushing yourself to do anything uncomfortable or scary. It's hard to strike a healthy balance, sometimes.
ReplyDelete