The Trip

I had to go to my Tulsa doctor again today. As always, it was a pretty awful experience. I managed to stave off the emotional reaction until I got home, but it's been pretty awful since then. I have to go back in six months. Like last time, I'll try to focus on the positive parts, like how I get to eat at a nice place and have a road trip with my best friend. Most of the time, that will be enough, but on days like today, it just isn't.

Right now, I'm just emotionally destroyed about having to go back. I hate it. I hate having to be naked. I hate having to have people look at Ladytown and touch me. I hate having to be poked and questioned and examined. In the hours past the appointment,  things are always really rough for me. I just feel so violated and consider things like never going back, even if that means getting cancer again. This is always so emotionally horrible for me that I would rather die than go through it again.

I know I'll calm down. I know, once the sensations of being touched and the rawness of the situation fades, I'll be more rational about going back. I'm not there yet, and as therapy right now is trying to have me focus on really experiencing my emotions, even the darker ones, I'm going to ride this through and not suppress it.

I hate going there. I hate being touched. I hate being violated. I hate that this whole cancer thing happened. I just want all of this to go away.

 . . . other than all of that mess, the trip was great.