I watched a movie about people who planned to kill themselves, but didn't. Toward the end, when prompted to why he would want to end his life, one of the characters said, in a very despairing voice, that he was just so tired of being scared all the time. And that, oh my brothers and sisters, is kind of the crux of just about everyone's situation.
People self-medicate. People avoid doctors. People avoid people. People avoid the outside. Wars are started. Groups of people are killed off. Religions thrive.
Why? Because we're all terrified.
People stay in bad relationships because they're scared to be on their own. People stay in bad situations because they're scared of the alternatives. People don't change things or constantly change things out of fear of what could happen if they don't. Or do.
If you read the blog, you know I have my fears. I have so many of them. Last year, I tried really hard to be brave, and most of the time, it worked out fairly well. Better than I expected, actually.
And yet, even now, I'm letting fear get the better of me. When I fell week before last, I broke my glasses. My replacement pair came in today and I couldn't bring myself to open them. I was just completely hesitant about them because I'm still a bit freaked out from the fall.
Every time I drive somewhere, I'm scared because the van might break down. Every time I take a shower, I'm scared because the plumbing might screw up. So many things could go wrong and I know when they do, there will be drama and annoyance and always that little possibility that THIS TIME, it can't be fixed.
I'm not suicidal at the moment, but I understand what the guy in the movie was saying. Being scared is very tiring. It's exhausting. And I'm sure most people would just say 'get over it' or 'do something to change it' . . . but when you're exhausted, those smicky bits of blanket advice just don't cut it.
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