Our area is supposed to get major storms tonight. People are seeing stormchasers parking their vans and setting up equipment. My cousin from Bentonville opted to wait out the storm with friends in a hotel that provides space during times like this. It probably won't get serious for us, but it may for a lot of people around us.
As I've mentioned before, the weather has been funky this winter. It's possible we could get a huge and complicated storm season.
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
Monday, February 27, 2017
Glory
I watched Tim's Vermeer this weekend and loved it. A lot of people don't believe it's real. Many believe the whole thing is a hoax, but I think there are some things that someone just can't fake. There is this one part where Tim actually gets to see the painting he plans to reproduce and the pure joy and elation on his face and in his voice is, well, quite frankly, it's beautiful.
If I ever get married, I believe it would have to be to someone who has felt that kind of awe and love. I've felt it. I've seen things that just floor me emotionally. There are things people an do with yarn that are true works of art. I believe having that kind of appreciation for something changes you. When you see someone else experiencing it, you recognize what they are feeling.
My best friend saw her favorite band in concert a few years ago. We were in her car and one of the songs they played came on. She said, "Yes, I heard this live" and the awe in her voice was that same kind of spiritual connection that I'm talking about here. Even though I wasn't with her when she saw them, I knew the kind of life altering experience it was. There is almost this kind of hum inside you, like a fuzziness behind your eyes. Your heart really feels full and your mouth is wetter than usual, as if you've sated a craving you didn't even know you had.
I hope everyone experiences this at least once in their lives.
If I ever get married, I believe it would have to be to someone who has felt that kind of awe and love. I've felt it. I've seen things that just floor me emotionally. There are things people an do with yarn that are true works of art. I believe having that kind of appreciation for something changes you. When you see someone else experiencing it, you recognize what they are feeling.
My best friend saw her favorite band in concert a few years ago. We were in her car and one of the songs they played came on. She said, "Yes, I heard this live" and the awe in her voice was that same kind of spiritual connection that I'm talking about here. Even though I wasn't with her when she saw them, I knew the kind of life altering experience it was. There is almost this kind of hum inside you, like a fuzziness behind your eyes. Your heart really feels full and your mouth is wetter than usual, as if you've sated a craving you didn't even know you had.
I hope everyone experiences this at least once in their lives.
Sunday, February 26, 2017
The Gentlemen's Agreement Part II
Okay, so I just couldn't leave that post alone. This is what I ended up putting in the comments section.
Putting aside whatever taxing whoha, it's just a bad analogy. He's comparing taxation to purchasing, which really doesn't fly. When you purchase something, you're making a choice and that choice is based on how much you spend versus what you receive. It's that basis where the last portion of his analogy falls apart.
He said the men came to this bar all the time and everyone was happy with the situation, which implies that for the people who are paying, they are benefitting enough to continue to pay. With that in mind, there is no logical reason why any of them would beat up the rich man.
First four men are drinking for free. They will not beat up the rich man because they know they it would jeopardize their free drinks.
The 5th man is paying money, but he also gets to be the top dog of the 'poor folks' because while he is poor, he's still paying more than the first four. This gives him a sense of power over them, which he can find strength in when he's busy at his job. "This is hard, but at least I can hold my own at the bar." This status as BEST OF THE POORS is important to him so he wouldn't beat up the rich man because it would mess with his social standing.
The same motives are also true for the 6th man. He's still not paying much, but he knows he's not in the bottom half of the group. This means that while he isn't doing all that well, he's still part of the 'in' crowd of the social classes. He won't beat up the rich man because the rich man is his main social currency with people at his own level. "Yeah, I may make as much money as you, but I drink with that guy who can afford to pick up most of the tab."
The 7th and 8th men probably benefit most from being seen by all those around them. People who have less than they do see them with the poorer men and will think these men, while wealthy, are relatable. This will make them more inclined to go to these men's shops or purchase goods from them.
The 7th and 8th men are also most likely to get invited to parties by the 9th and 10th men and have those men and their families come to their social events, meaning there is a greater chance their children may meet each other and marry. So these two men would never beat up the richest man because they have too much to risk in the long run.
The 9th man is the one closest to the 10th man. He has the second highest social class but still benefits from really not having to pick up THAT much of the tab. He knows the others recognize his importance and standing and while he might gain more with them if the richest man was gone, that isn't worth the risk of losing the 10th man. The richest man is the 9th man's IN for all the clubs and parties and gatherings he wants to attend. The richest man is his best social ticket to also becoming a rich man, so he most certainly would never NEVER beat him up over ten dollars.
As for the 10th man himself, he is the one probably getting the most out of this. Remember, the first part of the scenario said he was perfectly fine with the arrangement and participated in it on a repeated basis. Why would he do this when he paid the most?
To begin with, this bar lets people of all social standings in without any kind of protest. That means it's probably a moderately priced place. The rich man is picking up most of the tab but knows it's nowhere near as expensive as it would be if he went to a bar with only people of his own circle. With that in mind, if he did go to that elite bar, he might not be The Richest Man. He would just be one of many men, whereas in this bar he is the one with the most social clout.
He could also be gaining because of his profession. Let's say he sells a product that has to reach a wide range of men of various socio-economic classes. Instead of paying an expensive research team to study demographic preferences, he can just pick up clues by watching the other men. Or he could be a writer who needs to know how different types of men talk and relate to each other. He might be a politician who wants to understand how to convey his ideas to everyone. They could have all be childhood friends and these are the people he feels he can trust the most.
Most importantly, however, this analogy breaks down because people would never really do this in a social drinking situation. If this is something these men do on a repeated basis, they're all used to having that amount of money taken out of their budgets. If the bar owner offered to take 20$ off of their tab, the most likely of events would be that the men would opt to drink 20$ more in booze, thereby keeping their bill the same, but getting more drunk.
Putting aside whatever taxing whoha, it's just a bad analogy. He's comparing taxation to purchasing, which really doesn't fly. When you purchase something, you're making a choice and that choice is based on how much you spend versus what you receive. It's that basis where the last portion of his analogy falls apart.
He said the men came to this bar all the time and everyone was happy with the situation, which implies that for the people who are paying, they are benefitting enough to continue to pay. With that in mind, there is no logical reason why any of them would beat up the rich man.
First four men are drinking for free. They will not beat up the rich man because they know they it would jeopardize their free drinks.
The 5th man is paying money, but he also gets to be the top dog of the 'poor folks' because while he is poor, he's still paying more than the first four. This gives him a sense of power over them, which he can find strength in when he's busy at his job. "This is hard, but at least I can hold my own at the bar." This status as BEST OF THE POORS is important to him so he wouldn't beat up the rich man because it would mess with his social standing.
The same motives are also true for the 6th man. He's still not paying much, but he knows he's not in the bottom half of the group. This means that while he isn't doing all that well, he's still part of the 'in' crowd of the social classes. He won't beat up the rich man because the rich man is his main social currency with people at his own level. "Yeah, I may make as much money as you, but I drink with that guy who can afford to pick up most of the tab."
The 7th and 8th men probably benefit most from being seen by all those around them. People who have less than they do see them with the poorer men and will think these men, while wealthy, are relatable. This will make them more inclined to go to these men's shops or purchase goods from them.
The 7th and 8th men are also most likely to get invited to parties by the 9th and 10th men and have those men and their families come to their social events, meaning there is a greater chance their children may meet each other and marry. So these two men would never beat up the richest man because they have too much to risk in the long run.
The 9th man is the one closest to the 10th man. He has the second highest social class but still benefits from really not having to pick up THAT much of the tab. He knows the others recognize his importance and standing and while he might gain more with them if the richest man was gone, that isn't worth the risk of losing the 10th man. The richest man is the 9th man's IN for all the clubs and parties and gatherings he wants to attend. The richest man is his best social ticket to also becoming a rich man, so he most certainly would never NEVER beat him up over ten dollars.
As for the 10th man himself, he is the one probably getting the most out of this. Remember, the first part of the scenario said he was perfectly fine with the arrangement and participated in it on a repeated basis. Why would he do this when he paid the most?
To begin with, this bar lets people of all social standings in without any kind of protest. That means it's probably a moderately priced place. The rich man is picking up most of the tab but knows it's nowhere near as expensive as it would be if he went to a bar with only people of his own circle. With that in mind, if he did go to that elite bar, he might not be The Richest Man. He would just be one of many men, whereas in this bar he is the one with the most social clout.
He could also be gaining because of his profession. Let's say he sells a product that has to reach a wide range of men of various socio-economic classes. Instead of paying an expensive research team to study demographic preferences, he can just pick up clues by watching the other men. Or he could be a writer who needs to know how different types of men talk and relate to each other. He might be a politician who wants to understand how to convey his ideas to everyone. They could have all be childhood friends and these are the people he feels he can trust the most.
Most importantly, however, this analogy breaks down because people would never really do this in a social drinking situation. If this is something these men do on a repeated basis, they're all used to having that amount of money taken out of their budgets. If the bar owner offered to take 20$ off of their tab, the most likely of events would be that the men would opt to drink 20$ more in booze, thereby keeping their bill the same, but getting more drunk.
Saturday, February 25, 2017
The Gentleman's Agreement
Someone posted the following thing on Facebook.
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this...
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that's what they decided to do.
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball. “Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20”. Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men ? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?
They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.
So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.
And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.
“I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving,” declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,“but he got $10!”
“Yeah, that's right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!” “That's true!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back, when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!”
“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison, “we didn't get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!”
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works. The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D. — Professor of Economics.
Okay, first of all, I realize he's trying to talk about how taxes work in his perception of the world view of progressive people, but the example kind of sucks because it's both overly complicated and overly simplistic at once. The overly complicated part is that the fictitious bar owner would have never tried to divide the bill that way. With the bill being exactly 20% less than it was before, he merely would have just taken 20% off of everyone's portion. It would be the fair and most direct way to handle it, because it's a bill and not a tax system. It's also not adding in all of the other factors that alter how taxes would get paid.
In the way that it's overly simplistic is that the example doesn't address that currency is never just about money. People don't repeat a situation over and over again if it has no value and value is measured in more than just money. Everyone is getting something out of this. Now, the four men who are drinking for free . . . okay, their motivation may be just to drink for free, but everyone else has more complicated reasons.
They have to. In our society, we still have pretty strict social classes and often people of different socio-economic groups would never mix like this . . . unless they had very good reason for it. The richest man would only pay the lion's share of everyone's drinking if he was gaining from them in other ways. Perhaps he is in a position of political power and the other men have the largest influence over the voting habits of their various groups. Perhaps the four poorest men are in a position to bring him information about one of his projects. Perhaps they are highly entertaining and he figures paying for their drinks is worth the cost.
The other men who are paying are either trying to gain access and influence with the richest man or feel a sense of smug satisfaction from being, daily, in a situation where they know they are better than others. Even the man paying the least amount can still feel more powerful than the four who depend on everyone else. They still get to make connections with the other men. All of this is important to them, probably far more important than what they are paying, especially when you consider that they are only paying what they can afford.
With all of this in mind, why, under any circumstances, would they be angry because suddenly the richest man is paying ten dollars less? They're all paying less and are all STILL receiving the benefits that brought them into this agreement in the first place. There is no logical reason why things would end this way.
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this...
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that's what they decided to do.
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball. “Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20”. Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men ? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?
They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.
So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.
And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.
“I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving,” declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,“but he got $10!”
“Yeah, that's right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!” “That's true!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back, when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!”
“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison, “we didn't get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!”
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works. The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D. — Professor of Economics.
Okay, first of all, I realize he's trying to talk about how taxes work in his perception of the world view of progressive people, but the example kind of sucks because it's both overly complicated and overly simplistic at once. The overly complicated part is that the fictitious bar owner would have never tried to divide the bill that way. With the bill being exactly 20% less than it was before, he merely would have just taken 20% off of everyone's portion. It would be the fair and most direct way to handle it, because it's a bill and not a tax system. It's also not adding in all of the other factors that alter how taxes would get paid.
In the way that it's overly simplistic is that the example doesn't address that currency is never just about money. People don't repeat a situation over and over again if it has no value and value is measured in more than just money. Everyone is getting something out of this. Now, the four men who are drinking for free . . . okay, their motivation may be just to drink for free, but everyone else has more complicated reasons.
They have to. In our society, we still have pretty strict social classes and often people of different socio-economic groups would never mix like this . . . unless they had very good reason for it. The richest man would only pay the lion's share of everyone's drinking if he was gaining from them in other ways. Perhaps he is in a position of political power and the other men have the largest influence over the voting habits of their various groups. Perhaps the four poorest men are in a position to bring him information about one of his projects. Perhaps they are highly entertaining and he figures paying for their drinks is worth the cost.
The other men who are paying are either trying to gain access and influence with the richest man or feel a sense of smug satisfaction from being, daily, in a situation where they know they are better than others. Even the man paying the least amount can still feel more powerful than the four who depend on everyone else. They still get to make connections with the other men. All of this is important to them, probably far more important than what they are paying, especially when you consider that they are only paying what they can afford.
With all of this in mind, why, under any circumstances, would they be angry because suddenly the richest man is paying ten dollars less? They're all paying less and are all STILL receiving the benefits that brought them into this agreement in the first place. There is no logical reason why things would end this way.
Friday, February 24, 2017
In the Days that Followed
I'm really tired tonight. I got up stupid early and stayed out most of the day. By the time I got home, my all the stuff hurt. Things were fun though and things were nice at home. That's the really tragic thing about a death, isn't it? It's horrible and the loss hurts, but even as things still hurt, things also still move on. Grief takes a lot out of you and after a while, you just have to find the peace or go crazy.
My roommate and I have been through this before. This is the fourth cat we've collectively lost. I suppose that isn't surprising considering we take in the ones people didn't want. Some of those were pretty bad off when they were adopted. It's never easy to lose one, but you learn how to comfort yourself about it. Kitty old age can be difficult. I'm glad Rhiannon isn't hurting anymore. I'm glad she isn't confused or lost. I miss her, but I'm glad she isn't in pain.
Tonight my roommate teased one of the other cats about how she needed to be more remarkable so we'd remember her when she was gone. He wasn't serious, but it was a nice segue into us discussing the standout qualities of the cats who have gone. The thing about loving someone is that your memories are tied to so many things. You love the good things about them, the bad things, the annoying things, the odd quirks. All of it matters. All of it is important.
One of the things that I know to be true about my life is that the people who love me love me for all of those reasons. I mean, hell, if I was just loved for the good parts, I'd probably come up wanting. But I'm loved for my darkness and my oddness as well. People see my weaknesses, my selfishness, the places where my spirit is small. They love me anyway. This is a blessing.
My roommate and I have been through this before. This is the fourth cat we've collectively lost. I suppose that isn't surprising considering we take in the ones people didn't want. Some of those were pretty bad off when they were adopted. It's never easy to lose one, but you learn how to comfort yourself about it. Kitty old age can be difficult. I'm glad Rhiannon isn't hurting anymore. I'm glad she isn't confused or lost. I miss her, but I'm glad she isn't in pain.
Tonight my roommate teased one of the other cats about how she needed to be more remarkable so we'd remember her when she was gone. He wasn't serious, but it was a nice segue into us discussing the standout qualities of the cats who have gone. The thing about loving someone is that your memories are tied to so many things. You love the good things about them, the bad things, the annoying things, the odd quirks. All of it matters. All of it is important.
One of the things that I know to be true about my life is that the people who love me love me for all of those reasons. I mean, hell, if I was just loved for the good parts, I'd probably come up wanting. But I'm loved for my darkness and my oddness as well. People see my weaknesses, my selfishness, the places where my spirit is small. They love me anyway. This is a blessing.
Thursday, February 23, 2017
The Dig
I need to be creative right now. I have serious things planned. I have things I want to do and things I believe are important for me to do. The problem is, I can't. My creative connection is dead right now. The Dig has happened again. And there is nothing I can do about it.
What is The Dig? The Dig is this thing that happens when a million little things begin to happen at once. Hurts, losses, people's demands, people's want to point out problems, to point out my failings, to draw me into their dramas, and leach out what energy I have left. This digs into my brain, like parts being fully scooped out. I put a cat down and that is a large part of The Dig right now. Even though it needed to happen, more often than not, I catch myself thinking, "my god, what did you do?" and the whole cycle of Mother Monster starts again.
So for now, the creative parts shut down. Too much angry politics. Too many demands. Too much hurt. Too much loss. For a while, I'll just be . . . well, I'll must be. There is very little shuffling forward about it. I'll just be.
What is The Dig? The Dig is this thing that happens when a million little things begin to happen at once. Hurts, losses, people's demands, people's want to point out problems, to point out my failings, to draw me into their dramas, and leach out what energy I have left. This digs into my brain, like parts being fully scooped out. I put a cat down and that is a large part of The Dig right now. Even though it needed to happen, more often than not, I catch myself thinking, "my god, what did you do?" and the whole cycle of Mother Monster starts again.
So for now, the creative parts shut down. Too much angry politics. Too many demands. Too much hurt. Too much loss. For a while, I'll just be . . . well, I'll must be. There is very little shuffling forward about it. I'll just be.
Wednesday, February 22, 2017
Mother Monster
On Sunday, the decision was made that Rhiannon had gotten so bad that she needed to be taken to the vet to be put down. That didn't happen until today because I had stuff that needed to happen on Monday and Tuesday. It's been this kind of delayed hell and I've been doing my best not to think about it. I did think about it, of course. Ever since Sunday, it's been this piercing scream in the back of my mind.
All the way to the vet's, I apologized to her for this having to happen. I told her I loved her. I talked about some of our best memories. I babbled. She probably didn't hear any of it because she hates being in the carrier and was making her 'angry protest' noise. We got there a little early and I couldn't make myself move. I watched these people down the way trying to talk themselves into taking their dog inside. Finally I grabbed the carrier and went inside. I felt like a monster. I still do, by the way.
The people at the clinic were nice. Everyone was so good to us. She handled it well and her last minutes were honestly a lot more peaceful than she'd looked in quite a while. It made me realize how much pain she'd been in and for how long. At that moment, I felt like a guilty irresponsible monster.
Then she was quiet and it was over. They walked me out and I sat in the car and tried to make myself function. I realized I was singing out loud. It was "The Wheels on the Bus" because my best friend's kid loves it and I always feel like I'm comforting and nurturing her when I sing it. Maybe that's what I needed in that moment.
Rhiannon was a good kitty. She was stunningly beautiful when she was a kitten, with lovely fur and big, adorable paws. She taught Rowan how to eat food and how to use the litterbox. She used to curl up against my roommate's side and bury her head against him. She loved blankets and would find ways to tunnel under as many as possible. Often at night she would come and sleep on me.
This is agony to write. I hated today. I'll continue to hate it because even though I know it's my responsibility to make sure the kitty has a peaceful and good ending to her life, I still loved that life and found it to be beautiful. I made the decision to end it. I made the arrangements to end it. I drove to the place where it would end and I handed her to the people who made it happen. Rationally, yes. It was the right thing to do. Emotionally? I feel like a monster. I will for a while.
All the way to the vet's, I apologized to her for this having to happen. I told her I loved her. I talked about some of our best memories. I babbled. She probably didn't hear any of it because she hates being in the carrier and was making her 'angry protest' noise. We got there a little early and I couldn't make myself move. I watched these people down the way trying to talk themselves into taking their dog inside. Finally I grabbed the carrier and went inside. I felt like a monster. I still do, by the way.
The people at the clinic were nice. Everyone was so good to us. She handled it well and her last minutes were honestly a lot more peaceful than she'd looked in quite a while. It made me realize how much pain she'd been in and for how long. At that moment, I felt like a guilty irresponsible monster.
Then she was quiet and it was over. They walked me out and I sat in the car and tried to make myself function. I realized I was singing out loud. It was "The Wheels on the Bus" because my best friend's kid loves it and I always feel like I'm comforting and nurturing her when I sing it. Maybe that's what I needed in that moment.
Rhiannon was a good kitty. She was stunningly beautiful when she was a kitten, with lovely fur and big, adorable paws. She taught Rowan how to eat food and how to use the litterbox. She used to curl up against my roommate's side and bury her head against him. She loved blankets and would find ways to tunnel under as many as possible. Often at night she would come and sleep on me.
This is agony to write. I hated today. I'll continue to hate it because even though I know it's my responsibility to make sure the kitty has a peaceful and good ending to her life, I still loved that life and found it to be beautiful. I made the decision to end it. I made the arrangements to end it. I drove to the place where it would end and I handed her to the people who made it happen. Rationally, yes. It was the right thing to do. Emotionally? I feel like a monster. I will for a while.
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
I Could Have a Pretty Dress
Yes, that's right! I could have a pretty dress and I wouldn't even need to sell my soul to Black Philip! This company is called eShakti and they custom fit clothing for women for only ten more dollars over the cost of the item. THIS IS ASTOUNDING! Their stuff is beautiful and they ask for all kinds of measurements to make sure it fits you right. They even adjust clothing to people's height because they know that actually matters in clothing.
The dresses, all things considered, aren't really all that expensive, no more so that your typical Lane Bryant dress. They aren't cheap, but then again, it's very difficult to find any plus sized clothing that really is.
For anyone who can just go to the store and get stuff, I don't think you realize what kind of excitement I have about this. It's almost impossible for me to find anything that isn't just basic basic basic. And most of the time, that's fine. I'm not really THAT into my clothing. But on the rare occasion I may have to dress up, it is nice to know that's actually a thing that could happen.
The dresses, all things considered, aren't really all that expensive, no more so that your typical Lane Bryant dress. They aren't cheap, but then again, it's very difficult to find any plus sized clothing that really is.
For anyone who can just go to the store and get stuff, I don't think you realize what kind of excitement I have about this. It's almost impossible for me to find anything that isn't just basic basic basic. And most of the time, that's fine. I'm not really THAT into my clothing. But on the rare occasion I may have to dress up, it is nice to know that's actually a thing that could happen.
Monday, February 20, 2017
The Billions of Bookmarks
I'm bookmark-happy and organization-happy and lazy. This trifecta really doesn't work that well. I always promise myself that I'll organize things as I go, but half the time I'm lucky if things end up in the right general area. This is why I sometimes have to take an evening (or a week) to resort everything so I can function again.
I keep a bookmark folder I labeled "Holding" for random articles/pages that I want to look at, but may not have time to mess with in the moment. I'm pretty good about going back to them and reviewing what I put in there, but not really that great at cleaning things out afterward. Tonight I managed to cull the list down to a manageable level. What is left in there will get sorted into other folders, though admittedly, I'm kind of to the point where I need to clean up all my bookmarks.
Even my yarn folder is getting cluttered. I need to resort things in it, maybe even do more subfolders over patterns I actually have done and will do again. I get really subfolder happy. In fact, my Yarn folder used to be under Knowledge>Resources>Crafts>Yarn. To get to anything in it was a nightmare. An organized nightmare, but still, if I wanted to find a pattern for a cat, I'd have to do Knowledge>Resources>Crafts>Yarn>Crochet>Toys. Finally, I just put the Yarn folder on my dashboard. Much easier now.
The thing is, I'm not really complaining about the system. Even though it can get out of hand sometimes, I'm cool with that. For the most part, the tons of subfolders work really well for me and I find what I need. There is also a meditative aspect to organizing bookmarks. It's this little spot in the chaos where I can create some order.
I keep a bookmark folder I labeled "Holding" for random articles/pages that I want to look at, but may not have time to mess with in the moment. I'm pretty good about going back to them and reviewing what I put in there, but not really that great at cleaning things out afterward. Tonight I managed to cull the list down to a manageable level. What is left in there will get sorted into other folders, though admittedly, I'm kind of to the point where I need to clean up all my bookmarks.
Even my yarn folder is getting cluttered. I need to resort things in it, maybe even do more subfolders over patterns I actually have done and will do again. I get really subfolder happy. In fact, my Yarn folder used to be under Knowledge>Resources>Crafts>Yarn. To get to anything in it was a nightmare. An organized nightmare, but still, if I wanted to find a pattern for a cat, I'd have to do Knowledge>Resources>Crafts>Yarn>Crochet>Toys. Finally, I just put the Yarn folder on my dashboard. Much easier now.
The thing is, I'm not really complaining about the system. Even though it can get out of hand sometimes, I'm cool with that. For the most part, the tons of subfolders work really well for me and I find what I need. There is also a meditative aspect to organizing bookmarks. It's this little spot in the chaos where I can create some order.
Saturday, February 18, 2017
Maybe It's You
I made a joke on Valentine's Day about how people who may feel alone should be content in knowing they are never alone because they're full of microbes. Someone asked if I saw being alone as a bad thing. I think we all know that I don't. For one thing, as I said above, I know I'm never alone. In fact, I think I feel almost spiritual about the idea of being a universe full of microbes. It makes me very content. Beyond that, I'm good with being single because I know there are logical reasons for it.
Besides just my general misanthropy and enjoyment of my own mind, there are many things about me that I know would make for a bad romantic partner. Understand, this is a fact, but not one tainted by opinion. I'm not upset that this is true. It's not really a bad thing. It's just a thing. The most obvious aspect is that I'm nowhere near conventionally sized, which many people find unattractive, and that's fine. Even if people find it attractive, my size also created mobility issues (which limits what we could do) and flexibility issues.
I'm also one of those people who is entertaining for a few hours, but probably not beyond that. There are some people who have enjoyed my company for years, god love them, but even for them, I still reach a shutdown mode where I stop being entertaining and just want to be quiet. I'm also not very good at emotional labor, comfort, or security. My hobbies take up a lot of my time and a lot of room.
So if you're single, before you get really bitter about it, it might help to do an honest assessment of who you are as a person. Would you date someone like you? If the answer is no, perhaps it's time to begin to change things in order to make yourself a better catch. And if you don't want to do that or find that you can't do that, perhaps it's time to accept the rational idea that romance just isn't for you. It isn't something that would suit you. This could be the start of a new kind of freedom for you.
Besides just my general misanthropy and enjoyment of my own mind, there are many things about me that I know would make for a bad romantic partner. Understand, this is a fact, but not one tainted by opinion. I'm not upset that this is true. It's not really a bad thing. It's just a thing. The most obvious aspect is that I'm nowhere near conventionally sized, which many people find unattractive, and that's fine. Even if people find it attractive, my size also created mobility issues (which limits what we could do) and flexibility issues.
I'm also one of those people who is entertaining for a few hours, but probably not beyond that. There are some people who have enjoyed my company for years, god love them, but even for them, I still reach a shutdown mode where I stop being entertaining and just want to be quiet. I'm also not very good at emotional labor, comfort, or security. My hobbies take up a lot of my time and a lot of room.
So if you're single, before you get really bitter about it, it might help to do an honest assessment of who you are as a person. Would you date someone like you? If the answer is no, perhaps it's time to begin to change things in order to make yourself a better catch. And if you don't want to do that or find that you can't do that, perhaps it's time to accept the rational idea that romance just isn't for you. It isn't something that would suit you. This could be the start of a new kind of freedom for you.
Friday, February 17, 2017
The Return of the Cat
One of my kitties has decided I'm worth her time again. For quite a long while now, none of the cats have shown me much interest. I suspect it has something to do with the fact that I don't smell the same to them after the hysterectomy. Cats can be very unforgiving about such things. Or maybe it's because I'm gone more than my roommate is. He is also the one responsible for feeding them so that probably plays a role in it, but he always did that and it's just been in recent years that they decided not to want to hang around with me.
In the last week, the little white one has changed her mind. She now sits with me when he's not in the room. On rare occasions, she'll sit with me even when he IS in the room, but most of the time, she's still more interested in him. I'm happy I have some of her company again. I've missed having a cat to cuddle.
I didn't work much on the doll jacket today. Today has been about a lot of rest for me. I've been exhausted and trying to heal for a while now. Today I had some good naps and zoned out playing Sims. It was pretty glorious.
In the last week, the little white one has changed her mind. She now sits with me when he's not in the room. On rare occasions, she'll sit with me even when he IS in the room, but most of the time, she's still more interested in him. I'm happy I have some of her company again. I've missed having a cat to cuddle.
I didn't work much on the doll jacket today. Today has been about a lot of rest for me. I've been exhausted and trying to heal for a while now. Today I had some good naps and zoned out playing Sims. It was pretty glorious.
Thursday, February 16, 2017
Unlikely Snow
I worked on the doll cardigan today. It's not really colors that I like, but they look cute together. And they work for a doll. I also found a pattern for a quick crocheted mermaid tail. It seems like it's foolproof, but we know how that goes. Once I'm done with the doll thing, I may explore the mermaid thing.
It looks like we'll get through the month with no snow or nasty cold weather. It is possible things could still get nasty in March, but it's doubtful. Once we get past the months where the snow could be really bad, I start to calm down. You know, I calm down until I know the weather is going to get hot again. So for about like a month or so, I'm fine.
Speaking of, the month only has one more full week left in it. The first two months of this year have been stressful and scary for related but different reasons. I'm hoping we can heal and get better. We need to.
It looks like we'll get through the month with no snow or nasty cold weather. It is possible things could still get nasty in March, but it's doubtful. Once we get past the months where the snow could be really bad, I start to calm down. You know, I calm down until I know the weather is going to get hot again. So for about like a month or so, I'm fine.
Speaking of, the month only has one more full week left in it. The first two months of this year have been stressful and scary for related but different reasons. I'm hoping we can heal and get better. We need to.
Wednesday, February 15, 2017
Various Musings
While I was out, the roommate went to the store to purchase Day After VD candies. That was awesome. For some reason, nothing pleases me more than the day after candies. It's like proof that even us weirdos get to benefit too. I commend him even more for this because he doesn't feel well.
You know what irks me? People on Facebook who talk about politics all the time and then complain about someone famous discussing politics at an award show. Seriously? These people post political stuff like six million times a day and they're annoyed because someone says something on TV? Uggh.
I'm at that point of being tired where my eyes are watering, but I'm okay with that because at least they're not dry. I should probably end this though because it took me like six times to type everything correctly on that last sentence.
You know what irks me? People on Facebook who talk about politics all the time and then complain about someone famous discussing politics at an award show. Seriously? These people post political stuff like six million times a day and they're annoyed because someone says something on TV? Uggh.
I'm at that point of being tired where my eyes are watering, but I'm okay with that because at least they're not dry. I should probably end this though because it took me like six times to type everything correctly on that last sentence.
Monday, February 13, 2017
Mah Voice
So Oklahoma wants to pass a law to make it to where men get a say in if a woman has an abortion. This is what I sent my state legislators. I don't know if they will get the sarcasm.
Hello, sir!
I hope you are having a good day. I read that our state government is trying to make it to where men have a say in a woman's abortion. I think this is wrong, especially the part where women were reduced to just being 'hosts.'
It isn't so much about the abortion part. I think we would all like to end. This is more about people having the right to make decisions about themselves. Moreover, though, it's about how effective it is when we restrict such things. Making abortion illegal or limited the access to it never really stops it. It just makes it less safe.
However, I think there is a way where we could make all abortions end. You should make a law where men have to meet certain requirements before they can be allowed to father children.
They should make enough money to support the child. They should be of sound mind and body. This can be proven by having them pass both a physical fitness test and a test for any mental issues. They should also be sober. We all know addicts make horrible parents.
If the men cannot pass these tests, they will be required to have a vasectomy. If at a later date, they can prove they will make worthy parents, the vasectomy can be undone.
I realize this would cause some 'body integrity' issues, but no more so than forcing people to have babies they didn't want. People night argue this is a violation of certain religions, but those religions only require men not to use birth control during sex. They can simply abstain until they meet the requirements.
Think about the benefits! No more unwanted pregnancies, so no more abortions. Because the men would have to be sober and sane, we would reduce our levels of domestic violence. Because they would have to prove they can provide for the child, it would reduce our levels of generational poverty.
Over time, we would find ourselves with a population of responsible adults and thriving children. All we have to do to make this happen is give men a goal to work for.
Thank you for your time.
Hello, sir!
I hope you are having a good day. I read that our state government is trying to make it to where men have a say in a woman's abortion. I think this is wrong, especially the part where women were reduced to just being 'hosts.'
It isn't so much about the abortion part. I think we would all like to end. This is more about people having the right to make decisions about themselves. Moreover, though, it's about how effective it is when we restrict such things. Making abortion illegal or limited the access to it never really stops it. It just makes it less safe.
However, I think there is a way where we could make all abortions end. You should make a law where men have to meet certain requirements before they can be allowed to father children.
They should make enough money to support the child. They should be of sound mind and body. This can be proven by having them pass both a physical fitness test and a test for any mental issues. They should also be sober. We all know addicts make horrible parents.
If the men cannot pass these tests, they will be required to have a vasectomy. If at a later date, they can prove they will make worthy parents, the vasectomy can be undone.
I realize this would cause some 'body integrity' issues, but no more so than forcing people to have babies they didn't want. People night argue this is a violation of certain religions, but those religions only require men not to use birth control during sex. They can simply abstain until they meet the requirements.
Think about the benefits! No more unwanted pregnancies, so no more abortions. Because the men would have to be sober and sane, we would reduce our levels of domestic violence. Because they would have to prove they can provide for the child, it would reduce our levels of generational poverty.
Over time, we would find ourselves with a population of responsible adults and thriving children. All we have to do to make this happen is give men a goal to work for.
Thank you for your time.
Sunday, February 12, 2017
Hot Weekend
Normally during February, I have this nasty dread about having to deal with snow. Given that I'm sitting here in shorts with a fan on me, I don't think that is likely to be a problem. Unless something drastic changes in the forecast, the next ten days look to be unseasonably warm. I'm mostly okay with this because I really hate driving in snow. Still, I know it isn't all about me. The hot weather is causing the grass to grow early and we have tons of bugs.
Overall, it was a pretty good weekend. I watched movies and talked to my friends and roommate. I feel more rested than I have in a while, even though this sparked a pretty disturbing nightmare. Still, I'm feeling rested and that always puts me in a better place. I hope this week is a good one.
Overall, it was a pretty good weekend. I watched movies and talked to my friends and roommate. I feel more rested than I have in a while, even though this sparked a pretty disturbing nightmare. Still, I'm feeling rested and that always puts me in a better place. I hope this week is a good one.
Friday, February 10, 2017
The Colonies
This is an enticing article about how the microbiome may influence mental health and free will. I say 'enticing' because it just brings up some possibilities. There are very few conclusions as of yet. I will say that I'm starting to really believe the possibility that people stay fat because of their biome. Overweight people have different colonies than people who aren't fat. Very few people can lose weight and really keep it off. Perhaps the reason certain people DO keep the weight off is because they finally starve out those colonies that thrived when they were fat.
It begs the question . . . is that worth it? Will you willingly kill off part of yourself to achieve that goal? Some would argue that it is totally worth it because it means you (and all the rest of your biome) have a better chance of living a longer life. However, at what cost. I love this stuff. I don't think anything has fascinated me so much as the microbiome in years.
It begs the question . . . is that worth it? Will you willingly kill off part of yourself to achieve that goal? Some would argue that it is totally worth it because it means you (and all the rest of your biome) have a better chance of living a longer life. However, at what cost. I love this stuff. I don't think anything has fascinated me so much as the microbiome in years.
Thursday, February 9, 2017
Happily Free
I was reviewing past blogs and noted that in 2014 of this date, I'd had a really rough weekend of bleeding. It was past the time of the Hellblood. I was already on the Depo, but it was enough to really send my mind into panic mode again, wondering if it was going to start back and put me in that place where I couldn't stop.
Having a uterus can be terrifying. There is so much that can go wrong with it. There are so many ways it can screw up your life. I realize it's also kind of needed to ensure new lives begin, but that seems kind of minor in the face of all the ways having one can be used against you and all the ways it can restrict you.
I am very grateful that mine is gone. It offered me a level of peace I really had no idea I was missing. The loss of fertility in no way compared to the peace of mind I gained by having that part of my body gone. It was so worth it. It was more worth it than just about anything else that has ever happened to me. And the thing is, I know that I'm really fortunate because I was never in the situation where my uterus or other womanly bits caused me to make monumental decisions about things.
The reason I will always support legal abortion is because body autonomy is fundamentally important. People should be able to make decisions about what happens to their bodies. I'll often see people counter that statement with one that the fetus's body is not the mother's. It doesn't matter, though. If I am the only person who has the blood that would keep you alive, I'm not legally bound to give you my blood, even if that means you die. It's still my body and my choice. Even if you're my child and I'm the only person who has the body parts that could save you, no law forces me to do so. Hell, even if I'm dead, there still has to be consent before you can use my organs. I think living women should at least have the same regard as dead bodies.
That would never make that kind of decision easy, though. I'm so thankful I'll never have to make it.
Having a uterus can be terrifying. There is so much that can go wrong with it. There are so many ways it can screw up your life. I realize it's also kind of needed to ensure new lives begin, but that seems kind of minor in the face of all the ways having one can be used against you and all the ways it can restrict you.
I am very grateful that mine is gone. It offered me a level of peace I really had no idea I was missing. The loss of fertility in no way compared to the peace of mind I gained by having that part of my body gone. It was so worth it. It was more worth it than just about anything else that has ever happened to me. And the thing is, I know that I'm really fortunate because I was never in the situation where my uterus or other womanly bits caused me to make monumental decisions about things.
The reason I will always support legal abortion is because body autonomy is fundamentally important. People should be able to make decisions about what happens to their bodies. I'll often see people counter that statement with one that the fetus's body is not the mother's. It doesn't matter, though. If I am the only person who has the blood that would keep you alive, I'm not legally bound to give you my blood, even if that means you die. It's still my body and my choice. Even if you're my child and I'm the only person who has the body parts that could save you, no law forces me to do so. Hell, even if I'm dead, there still has to be consent before you can use my organs. I think living women should at least have the same regard as dead bodies.
That would never make that kind of decision easy, though. I'm so thankful I'll never have to make it.
Wednesday, February 8, 2017
Kitties
One of the things I love about making these cats is that it's impossible to be in a bad mood when you do them. Making their little faces just causes me to smile. I needed that. I needed something that would just really help me find the light again.
I'm always a little mystified by how the same pattern can yield such diverse results. Even though they all have basically the same idea to them, none of them look the same. They don't even look exactly the same size. To me, this uniqueness is part of what makes toy creation such a magical experience.
I never plan the faces. I just let them happy as they happen. Sometimes this works. Other times things get redone because even for me it turns out too wonky. I'm happy with these three, though. They really have personality.
Tuesday, February 7, 2017
Bluesday
I am so seriously uninspired to write about anything right now. The weather is awful. Okay, actually it is awesome for like two months from now, but 80 degrees in February is rough. I'm in shorts and I have a fan on. I'll have fans on tonight. I really hope this isn't an indication of how the weather will be this summer. We'll all roast.
I'll try to write more tomorrow. Some things happened today that made me sad, but they're not mine to talk about.
I'll try to write more tomorrow. Some things happened today that made me sad, but they're not mine to talk about.
Sunday, February 5, 2017
Saturday Night/Sunday in Feb
I finished the second little cat of the three set that I'm doing. I didn't want to finish it, as I wrote in my last post, but somehow found the magic to finish. I even felt well enough to start working on the last one of the trio. All the little bits of yarn are waiting to be transformed. Staying off Facebook did me a lot of good. Sometimes we have to protect ourselves, I suppose.
You know, I actually thought I finished this last night, but I guess I didn't. I'm writing this the day after that first paragraph. All three cats are finished now and I'm doing okay other than a bite on the inside of my cheek that happened while I was sleeping. I hate it when I do that. It's been a while though so I won't complain about it too much.
This is our first full week of February. I'm hoping this month is less stressful and has less illness than last month. I also plan to be creative and stay away from the poison.
You know, I actually thought I finished this last night, but I guess I didn't. I'm writing this the day after that first paragraph. All three cats are finished now and I'm doing okay other than a bite on the inside of my cheek that happened while I was sleeping. I hate it when I do that. It's been a while though so I won't complain about it too much.
This is our first full week of February. I'm hoping this month is less stressful and has less illness than last month. I also plan to be creative and stay away from the poison.
Saturday, February 4, 2017
To Not Scroll
I should have blogged last night but my heart just wasn't in it. I believe the level of 'backing off' of FB that I did before the election is going to have to continue. There is so much division. People protesting this author or boycotting that company. I understand why people do it. I certainly support their right to do it (though I think burning Harry Potter books is pretty disturbing), but the amounts of protests, boycotts, and everything else is overwhelming me.
I thought I could keep myself going with yarn, but yesterday things were just so bad I hit a wall where I couldn't even be creative. My ability to just zone out and work on something was gone. There was just too much poison in the air. I know I did that to myself because I scrolled down to see what was going on. I should have known better.
It looks like we're as divided as a nation can be. People seemed to have lost their comprehension of why someone else would have a different POV. I saw several people on the Right post things about how the protests against the immigration ban were going on because 'those people' honestly wanted terrorists to come into America and destroy it. Really? No, assholes. People are protesting because they have compassion for people who are fleeing war-torn countries. How can you NOT get that?
See even talking about it makes my brain boil. I need a break. And yes, I realize I'm very fortunate to be able to take one.
I thought I could keep myself going with yarn, but yesterday things were just so bad I hit a wall where I couldn't even be creative. My ability to just zone out and work on something was gone. There was just too much poison in the air. I know I did that to myself because I scrolled down to see what was going on. I should have known better.
It looks like we're as divided as a nation can be. People seemed to have lost their comprehension of why someone else would have a different POV. I saw several people on the Right post things about how the protests against the immigration ban were going on because 'those people' honestly wanted terrorists to come into America and destroy it. Really? No, assholes. People are protesting because they have compassion for people who are fleeing war-torn countries. How can you NOT get that?
See even talking about it makes my brain boil. I need a break. And yes, I realize I'm very fortunate to be able to take one.
Thursday, February 2, 2017
Waiting for my Yarn
First thing you learn is you always gotta wait. -The Velvet Underground "Waiting for my Man"
I know a woman who used to own a yarn store. When she went out of business, she ended up with all the overstock of yarn. Recently, she decided to start selling it off as surprise boxes. I wanted one because I knew the price was really really good.
At first we thought she would send it, but of course, packing up a lot of boxes of yarn and sending them off to people gets far more involved than one first suspects. She told me she would drive it down to my house, but I was going to be in the town where she lives the following day, so I told her my best friend and I would swing by to pick it up.
So this gets us to showing up at 11:30 in a neighborhood where no one knows us and waiting out in front of someone's house. Did we look a little shady? Well, an old lady pulled into the driveway next to us and didn't get out of her car for a good long while if that says anything. My best friend was kind enough to walk to the house and knock for me, but no one answered. I finally got a call to her and that wasn't answered either. After a while, we assumed it was a bust so we drove off.
A few minutes later, the woman who was selling me the yarn called back. She said the yarn would be waiting for us on the porch. We drove back, parked on the wrong side of the road, and retrieved the box. It all felt so clandestine and dangerous.
I got my yarn though. It was totally worth it.
I know a woman who used to own a yarn store. When she went out of business, she ended up with all the overstock of yarn. Recently, she decided to start selling it off as surprise boxes. I wanted one because I knew the price was really really good.
At first we thought she would send it, but of course, packing up a lot of boxes of yarn and sending them off to people gets far more involved than one first suspects. She told me she would drive it down to my house, but I was going to be in the town where she lives the following day, so I told her my best friend and I would swing by to pick it up.
So this gets us to showing up at 11:30 in a neighborhood where no one knows us and waiting out in front of someone's house. Did we look a little shady? Well, an old lady pulled into the driveway next to us and didn't get out of her car for a good long while if that says anything. My best friend was kind enough to walk to the house and knock for me, but no one answered. I finally got a call to her and that wasn't answered either. After a while, we assumed it was a bust so we drove off.
A few minutes later, the woman who was selling me the yarn called back. She said the yarn would be waiting for us on the porch. We drove back, parked on the wrong side of the road, and retrieved the box. It all felt so clandestine and dangerous.
I got my yarn though. It was totally worth it.
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