Habits

I vacuumed my room today. This probably isn't a big deal for most people, but the fact that I have made it a habit is awesome. I also changed a couple of things here and there as well. I'm not sure they will stick, but I'm keeping them for now.

Given that no one can go to the salon now, I'm having my roommate buzz my hair off. I'm going to wait a few days for that though because it's cold. I'm not going to complain about the cold. I'm going to savor that as long as I can.

I've been kind of nervous all day so cleaning on the room helped. I'll be folding clothes tomorrow and then we take out trash. Hopefully, we'll be safe.

First World Problems

We needed a new hand sanitizer. I mean, at any other time, this wouldn't have been a big deal, but right now, it's a difficult task to find any. My roommate found a bottle in the travel size, which was fine because we're leaving it in the car. It was an off-brand and I didn't think too much about that until today when I used some of it.

Fam, this stuff smells like 1980s triple berry bubble gum. It's this sickeningly sweet mix of blueberry and strawberry and ermergerdberry that crawls into your nose and infects your tastebuds. It's so, so horrible and it lingers. I can still smell it a little now and I've washed my hands several times since then.

I'm somewhat convinced the smell of this stuff would be enough to kill viruses.

Kindness

Posting early today so I don't forget like I did last night. Actually, I didn't forget. I was angry. My best friend is in a crisis situation.

My best friend and my brother both work in the health care field. Right now, that is terrifying. Going into work is like walking into chaos. There isn't enough safety gear for them. They risk exposure. Everyone is nervous and demanding and scared.

When they come home, relaxing is hard. They wonder what they may be bringing home to their families. The wonder if this may be the time when the hospital tells them they have to stay away.

The worst part is how they may be treated while out in public. Healthcare workers have been removed from stores. They've been screamed at.  They've been accused of spreading illness. It's insane.

Look, there is a lot of stuff we can't control during this, but we can control our kindness. Be nice to people who are on the frontlines of this virus. Offer them a shoulder. Offer them an ear. Let them know you love them and want the best for them.

These people are working 12 hour days, sometimes more. They need our support right now.

Last Friday in March

The month is almost over. My dad's birthday is Sunday and because of all the quarantine stuff, he's not going to get to do anything. That sucks for him. I'll call him, at least. He said he was okay with it and maybe he is. To be honest, sometimes staying inside and not celebrating is what you want to do.

The strange thing about social distancing is how quickly it becomes normal. When I see clubs full of people or people just casually touching on TV, it jars me just a little. Of course, that was all BEFORE.

My new sanitizer smells like coconut. I kind of love it.

Crisis Ableism

This is probably going to sound like me complaining, but I didn't intend it that way. I'm trying to just convey to people how difficult things get for disabled people during a crisis. There are several things going on right now that really highlight just how difficult things are when you don't have 100% of your physical capacity happening.

Testing Facilities

People are supposed to park, walk into these tents, sit down in whatever little metal chairs they have provided, and be tested. Fine for able-bodied people. Not so easy for others. The walk alone may be beyond a lot of people. I know I couldn't do it. I can't expect someone to help me with my wheelchair in a situation like that, where other people may be infected. I couldn't expect the people running the place to help me.

Is there an alternative? Why yes, there is. South Korea has drive up testing going on. THAT I could do. THAT would be easier on everyone.

All the Cleaning

I read a very good article about all the cleaning one SHOULD be doing to keep things safe. This level of cleaning is beyond me. I can manage to wash my hands fairly often, but I can't disinfect every surface and clean all the handles and make sure nothing has germs on it. In my household, we're trying to do as much as we can, but we are limited.

Is there an alternative? Not really. Stay at home. Wipe down what we can. Wash as often as we can. Wear gloves when out? I guess.

Those are the things mainly on my mind about ME, but I'm seeing a lot of other ableist stuff playing out. In Spain, for example, the military has found facilities for the elderly full of dead bodies where the workers just left them to die. People who are healthy are attending CoronaParties, either to get infected or just for the thrill of it, with little care as to who they happen to come in contact with who might be compromised enough to die from this.

Is there an alternative to stuff like this? Yes. Don't be an asshole. Think about other people.

Enough for today.

Numbers

I resituated some stuff today. I tried a couple of experiments that may or may not work. I even threw some more stuff away, but it still feels like I'm just shuffling junk from one place to another.

It's hard to be positive right now. Covid-19 is bringing out a lot of ugliness in people. A lot of offhand comments about who will die and why it's okay if we lose them have been getting to me. I'm trying NOT to let it get to me, but after a while, it does.

When you're poor and disabled, you get the sense that people don't give a rat's ass, but most of the time, people stay quiet about it. People assume you are nothing more than a drain on society. I know this isn't true. I won't be sentimental and say 'all life has value' because we know a lot of people don't buy that. I will say that all lives have currency and we all play a role in keeping the Great Machine going. I know I live a life of value, even if others don't see it.

But let's face it, when it comes down to it, my opinions here won't matter much. If I get sick, I'll probably be set aside with the 'let's just make them comfortable' crowd. My roommate doesn't think this is true, but I'm trying to prepare myself for all possible outcomes here. All of my life, people have looked at me like I didn't matter. I can't really see 'global pandemic' being a place where they change their minds.

I did a lot of stuff today and met all of my goals. As you know, when I do stuff like that, I tend to have some negative emotional feedback. It's almost like my body doesn't know what to do with the 'succeeded!' chemicals and tries to put us back in our place. So it's probably just the brain weasels talking. Maybe.

Brave New World

The doctor's appointment was a new kind of thing. When I got there, I was told to call from my car and tell them I had arrived. A bit later, I was called back and asked questions about my current health and where I'd recently traveled. A bit after that, they came to the car with masks on and took my temp. Then I was taken directly to a room. The waiting area was blocked off.

I didn't feel offended at any of this. In fact, I was happy they took steps to keep me safe. Still, it was strange. It's a strange new situation.

I'll be able to do telemedicine for my next appointment. Maybe things will be over by then, but who even knows at this point? One way or the other, I can safely say I've never had an appointment like that.

Meh

I tried to watch a show tonight starring people I like a lot. I wanted to support this show and support them. The problem is, the show annoyed me.

We have a lot of entertainment options these days and just because you can draw people to your show doesn't mean they'll stay unless you have a lot to give them once they're there. I wanted to like this, I just couldn't.

Oh well.

I Want to be Seduced

I vacuumed today. My floor is clean again and this is a good thing. I really love the little vac. Having something that light to move around has really improved my life.

One of my cousins sent me a food box subscription for free for a week. I had no choice as to what I would get beyond just 2 people and the general kind of food. I was sent spaghetti, hamburgers, and tenderloin.

........um.......

Okay, look. Marketing tip. If you're going to try to get someone to join your service, you need to SEDUCE them. You need to send them something exotic and basically unattainable in their area. You have to make them think they can not live without your service. You don't send them spaghetti.

Anyway, the food was okay, but honestly, my roommate makes far better dishes. The stuff comes in too many little fiddly packets that you have to open and is certainly not worth the price. Not even close.

The Dread

Meh. Today was so blah. I had a lot of fun with my roommate, but I felt kind of down and tired. I think everyone is tired. I go to the doctor on Monday and that's getting to me. It shouldn't, but it is. It always does.

I think part of why I'm nervous is because I need to remind her about how I'll have to be crotch tested for possible cancer issues. She may want to do that then, which won't be fun. OR she may want to do it in a few months, which means I'll have that to dread. I'm not sure which is worse, though I'm thinking to rip the bandaid off is probably better.

I wish I didn't get so anxious about the gyno stuff, but I do. I've had full out panic attacks around that issue. One time when I was in my 20s, they tried to do an internal exam and I freaked out so badly. I kept trying to calm myself down, but I couldn't. Five years ago when they did the second exam after my surgery, I had a horrible panic attack and broke out in hives.

So yeah, this is weighing on me. I wish it wasn't. I hope it doesn't ruin my weekend.

Holding On

As I said last night, hell, as I say many nights, I'm trying my best to hold on to my sanity, goals, and plans. Wait, did I say that? You get the idea. It's a common theme with me.

My legs were hurting so much today that I really couldn't do much of anything. Even getting in and out of the chair was painful. Hopefully this will pass soon, but the problem with my leg issues is that I have to compensate with other parts of my legs and those parts end up hurting too. I'm seeing the doctor on Monday. Maybe she can help.

I think I'll drown out my brain weasels tonight by watching more of the Dune commentary. Things need to settle down and go back to normal. We need things to be the usual way they are. As a society, we can't function in chaos and uncertainty.

Questions

I'm trying my best to stay calm. My sciatic nerve is causing pain in my left hip and leg. It's making my walking difficult. It's making certain positions painful. Sciatica with me can last for a few weeks. I'd rather it healed itself up quickly.

People have gone from saying 'social distancing for a few weeks' to possible lockdown for 12 weeks. That is a whole other ballgame. How would that even work? How do you pay your bills? How do you get in more supplies? Keeping a couple of months' worth of stuff onhand isn't that hard, but more? A lot of people can't afford that. And the smaller your place is, the harder that would be.

How would we do this?

Bad Morning

I woke up and had a physical response panic attack. It was sudden, horrible, and took quite a while for me to calm myself down. It was a cold, slap in the face of some stuff I need to keep in mind right now.

These are trying times. Some people say it is an over-reaction. Other people point to the piles of bodies in Italy and China and say that it's worse than they're letting us know. I'll be honest. I have no idea. I'm not there. I just know my body is anxious about it, even more than my mind is allowing me to process. This makes sense. If you have anxiety when everything is running smoothly, expect worse anxiety when things go to hell.

So from now on, I'm taking some steps to keep myself functioning. I won't be reading Facebook posts. A lot of people are posting ignorant and nasty things. I will take time, several times a day, to do my deep breathing work. I will listen to things that please and distract me.

I will drive myself insane if I keep focusing on the WHAT IFS that want to dominate my thoughts. There is no point in that. There is, after all, nothing I can do about those things.

Winds of Winter

So Winds of Winter is FINALLY coming out this summer (in theory) and people are starting to do speculation videos about it. I wasn't excited about it at first but I'm starting to get that way because of the speculation. ASoIaF is the best fandom, I swear.

Things will be very different than that awful thing they did in the last two seasons of the show. If GRRM planned on doing it that way (which i doubt), I think he's reversed course now that his proof of concept has failed.

Besides, the books have SO much more to them than the show ever did. A lot of stuff changed on the show, making the characters very, very far off the path of who they are in the books. (Though in some cases, like Cersei, better.)

Anyway, I'm glad I'm excited about it again. I didn't want the show's ending to just leave me bitter.

The Story of Reality

Because Sherry Pie was disqualified from Drag Race AFTER the season ended, she is still, of course, in all of the episodes. What the showrunners have done to take the emphasis off of her involved editing out her confessionals and any scenes that focused mainly on her. If reality television was JUST reality, that would be fine.

However, reality television still has storylines. These are created using the raw footage (and some awkwardly produced moments) taken over the course of the season. Then the footage is edited together in a way to make the episodes have the basic emotional flow of a story. "This episode is about the two queens who fight all the time finding common ground." "This episode is about the underdog queen believing in herself and winning the main challenge." Etc. As an audience, this is what we're used to seeing.

So when they as much of Sherry out of the episode as possible, they still needed to fill time. In this case, they did it with Heidi. Heidi's storyline this episode was that she was considered the weakest one there, but then worked really hard in the main challenge, impressed her teammates, and pleased the judges. By the time we were to the judging panel talking to the contestants, it looked like Heidi was the winner. Moreover, in the way that we respond to storyline cues, it FELT like Heidi should be the winner.

Then, out of the blue, Sherry wins the episode. And that was jarring. And it wasn't just jarring because of all the drama surrounding Sherry and her activities, but because the way this episode was edited, you just don't get any sense or reason to believe Sherry did anything special. Her performance gets lost in the mix.

I think this season of Drag Race is going to really show how much story editing plays a role in reality tv. I'm not saying that is a bad thing, just that it IS a thing. It's rather facinating to witness.

The Y in DIY

If you follow the blog, you know I've been in the process of making my room function and look better. Honestly, I think it's a case where form follows function here, as the more functional it is, the better it really does look.  Again, if you follow the blog, you know I've been working on this for over a month now. In fact, I reached my first big goal, buying a new mattress, on Valentine's Day. I believe I'd been working on the room between two and three weeks at that point.

It's taking me a long time. It's taking me a lot longer than most people would take, due to, as the title states, the Y in the DIY. Or, I guess in this case, not the yourself, but the myself. Me.

On the days I feel like working on my room, at most AT MOST it's maybe an hour and a half. By that point, I'm exhausted and in pain. I'm also usually disheartened by whatever I did. I rarely feel accomplished. Even if I worked hard and did well, I still have mixed feelings about it. Most of them aren't good.

So I'm fighting a lot of stuff here. I'm fighting my body's limitations. I can't reach or stretch well. I'm not strong. I ache. When things fall they usually fall somewhere under my boobs and I can't see them. And things fall a lot because I'm clumsy.

I'm not writing this to complain. Not exactly. I'm writing this to let people know that even though this is hard, I am still moving forward. It's slow. And it's often frustrating. There have been so many days when I was overwhelmed.

I have been very encouraged by Youtube's DIY community, but at the same, all of those people are more able-bodied than I am. Don't think I'm angry about that. I'm not. It's just a factor I have to keep in mind when I look at my own progress. If any of the things I have to deal with were gone, I would progress faster. As it stands, I have to accept the progress I have and be content with my accomplishments and my persistence.

Weirdness

Things are weird out there, folks. All the toilet paper is gone. People are out in droves. Everyone is buying up everything.

Trump spoke to the press and invited some of his Corporate Masters to join him. They all gave speeches to and referred to all of us as 'consumers' and not as 'citizens' and it is creepy.

This is honestly like living in a bad scifi movie. Sigh.

Toxic Speaking

I am so so glad I made a rule for myself that I won't argue with people on Facebook. Sometimes that rule is hard to keep, but whenever it is, I remind myself that the emotions I'm feeling in that moment are exactly WHY I made this rule.

So Tom Hanks and his wife are ill. There are people out there saying "Good. He said MEAN THINGS about Trump." Basically, these people are wishing illness, discomfort, fear, and possibly death on someone for just having and expressing a different opinion than theirs.

I have to stop and question myself here. I have to wonder if I've felt this way before. And the answer is probably yes because I'm human. But I stopped myself from continuing to feel that way. I stopped myself from letting that kind of nastiness fester. It isn't the kind of person I want to be.

People lashed out at those who expressed happiness at Hanks's situation. That did no good. That didn't help anything and it certainly didn't change anyone's minds. All it did, all it does, is just add to the nastiness. All it does is just perpetuate the toxicity of our nation and its politics.

This needs to stop.

A Good Evening

I finished season three of Castlevania and it was SO good. I have a lot of thoughts and I'm still mulling through them. I love it when I watch something and it makes me feel THIS much.

Today more stuff was removed from the house. We'll be working on the bookshelf later in the week and once that is finished, all I have to do is put together some storage cubbies and my room, outside of maintaining the tidiness, is finished. YAY!!!

Convid-19 is becoming more of a worry. We've discussed it here in my home and we have plans. I'm reasonably concerned, I believe. Neither of us is the healthiest of people and this could cause problems for us. Thankfully, we're both used to avoiding others and that should help to somewhat keep us safe.

Bit by Bit

I broke down some boxes today and organized some more aspects of the room. It was A Process. Not the boxes, they were easy. The rest of it, however, proved to be more challenging.

I'm in this place now where I've culled out the stuff I can live without (actually I probably kept more than I should have, but I can't prolong this forever) and am now trying to find new homes for things. My goal at the moment is organization, function, and lightness. I want the room to feel as open and light as possible. I want it to feel lived in and thoughtful. For the longest time, it's just felt like a sad, random jumble of stuff.

I folded my winter blankets and put them away, then decided I would put them in a different place. This freed up some space for me to remove some storage boxes from the living room. THAT made a major difference.

So yes, progress is still slow, but it's also still happening. The differences, even of a few inches, feel significant. I'm very happy about the results.

The Savening

Yesterday I really didn't feel the hell of Daylight Saving Time so much, but today, it's really kicked me in the pants. I've been laggy and completely exhausted all day, and not in my usual level of exhausted. This is a lot worse.

I doubt I'll be up late tonight. I think I need a good night of a lot of sleeping. I also need a night where the cat doesn't scratch me. That would also be helpful.

Changing the Math, Once Again

Today my roommate dismantled the desk and removed it. I cleaned the space (it really, seriously needed it) and exhausted myself in the process. I also pulled the cushion off my chair, but thankfully it just slips back on.

I felt a little defeated by the time I managed to get on my bed. Everything hurt. I was really tired. Nothing was truly clean. I recently read where when you clean one thing, you can only do it by making something else dirty. Basically, you're just shifting filth around.

Later though, after I rested, I realized that, once again, the energy in my room had changed.

Removing the desk opened up the room so much. Even though I only gain a small portion of space back, it feels so expansive in there. I feel like my room is twice the size without that massive piece in the middle of it.  Glorious.

We're going to change the direction of the bookshelf to give it some more stability and give me a little more room. I'm thinking it and the closet will be about the same width as the trunk and if the cubbies I bought to sit on the trunk work out like I think they will, they'll be about the same height as the bookshelf when I'm finished. I might just achieve some balance in my room. YAY!

The Mercy Seat

One of the images that sticks in my brain and forever will happened in Hodgell's Godstalk. It's near the end when Jame finds her best friend Dally strapped to the Mercy Seat, bound down with strips of his own skin. He was flayed alive by a mob for a crime he didn't commit, but honestly, even if he had committed it, the punishment was excessive.

In the way that many modern people are, I was not just horrified by this idea, but also a little bit smug about it. I was a teen at the time and believed, as I believed when I learned about the real-life public executions from history, that my society was beyond this. Now, as an adult, I don't believe we are.

We may not throw literal stones at people now (at least, not where I live), but that doesn't mean we don't strap people down to a seat and skin them alive. When it comes to people being punished online, we can be ruthless.

Recently a contestant on a reality talent show was found to have committed crimes of a predatory nature outside of the show. This person was disqualified and I feel that disqualification was just because this contest is looking for someone who represents them in a certain way. They were within their rights to remove the person from the contest.

It didn't stop there though. The next hours past this news breaking were intense. Suddenly people were condemning this person, threatening them, demeaning them, denouncing them. The mob had turned, a new person on the Mercy Seat, more skin to be ripped away.

This person is guilty of what they were accused of doing. They admitted to it. What they did hurt people. There were reasons for punishment to happen, but not reasons for punishment to come from everyone in the world.

How we are people react to the person on the Mercy Seat isn't about them and it isn't about the victims. It's about us. It defines who we are. If we use this as an excuse to be violent, unforgiving, and destructive, that isn't an indication that we are people of justice. It is an indication that we are people who are violent, unforgiving, and destructive.

I don't go to people's homepages or whathaveyou and rip at them, but I have, in the past, been caught up in the anger and indignation of what certain people did. It was wrong of me. That isn't the person I want to be. That isn't what I want to put into the world. I can do better. I hope we all can.

Happy Friday

Tomorrow we're going to have to go out and purchase a new toaster. This one set two sets of toast on fire tonight and that isn't a good thing.

Weirdly I'm kind of into this idea. I always like getting new toasters. I could not explain to you why, but I do.

I had a good day today. I think the Spring weather is starting to improve my mood. Yay!

Closet Accomplished

Today my SIL took the stuff I'd saved back for her and my brother. Today my roommate put all of the stuff in the upper portion of the closet that would now live in the upper portion of the closet. Today, the closet organization project was completed!!

I had to have A LOT of help with this. Mobility limited what I could do so my roommate very kindly moved everything out of the closet for me and then moved all of the things that I decided would stay back INTO the closet. He took the stuff that needed to go out of the house. He shopped for what items I needed to make this happen. I am very, very grateful for all the help I was given on this project.

I cleaned stuff in dire need of cleaning. I got rid of things and negotiated other stuff out of the house. I made the plan, altered the plan when needed, and did my best to keep this ship sailing.

So this is my advice when you do your own organizing in a closet.

1. Have a goal. Don't go into this with guilt. Don't let the emotional baggage of "I need to clean that messsss" hold you back. Have a positive goal when you work in your closet.

2. Make the goal direct. "I want it to be clean" is daunting and, weirdly, kind of abstract. "I want this closet to hold things I need to access but not all the time" or "I want this closet to hold my clothes in an organized manner" or something like that will give you direction.

3. At the same time, be flexible about your plans. I had a lot of ideas about how I wanted the closet to look, but at the end of the day, most of them would have taken a lot more time and energy than I needed to spend on this. I still have several other aspects of the room that need addressing and I couldn't afford to get stuck on the closet project for too long.

4. Which brings me to the most important bit of advice. Know your limits. Take a realistic assessment of your energy level and the time you can allot to this. Figure out if you need help. Accept that it may take a while. Accept that your space may look MORE chaotic for a while.

5. When you get tired or discouraged, take a break. Sometimes this break will be just a few minutes. Sometimes, it may be a few days. I find it also helps to go look at something that actually IS functioning now and remember that you made that happen. You can make the other stuff happen as well.

I remember laying on my old bed a while back and thinking that getting my room to the point where I could get a new bed would be time-consuming, exhausting, and very, very hard on me. And it was. But I still made it happen.

I can remember laying in my new bed and thinking about how I needed to tackle the closet next and how it would be daunting and stressful and I would have to ask for a lot of help and even then it would be exhausting. And it was. But I still made it happen.

Now I have to dismantle a very large, very useless, very heavy computer desk. And it is going to be A BITCH because every day with this desk has always been A BITCH. But I think I can make it happen. It may just take a while.

Pain

The fatigue has blossomed itself into pain. I spent most of the day hurting. I didn't accomplish anything.

I'm not writing much tonight. Hopefully, I'll hurt less tomorrow. Take care.

Fatigue

Today was a day of very few spoons. Even though I did basically nothing to the house and very little to work my brain, I was still tired and in pain all day. It was quite frustrating.

The only thing I actually managed to do was my should rehab work and honestly, while that is painful and tiring, it really doesn't take up that much of my time. I mean, at least I did it. That's SOMETHING, even if it is a very small something.

The Sewing Box

Today I sorted what could be salvaged of my grandmother's sewing supplies into two flat containers. They're not really that full because I had to discard so much stuff. We now have three flat boxes of sewing stuff, plus my roommate's two boxes. All of this is macro-sorted at the moment. Before it gets put up, I'll have him go through it and see what is beyond being useable. No need to keep things that don't function.

In the midst of this, I realized how completely amazing my grandmother's sewing box is! I cleaned it up and sorted all of my knitting and crochet stuff into it. The box is an unapologetic shade of burnt 1970s orange, but I'm willing to live with it for the storage and organization this thing provides.

I've decided that once my room gets in order unless my roomie is interested in working on another room, my priority is going to be maintaining what I've done, rehabbing my body, and getting through the yarn and supplies I have around me. Things are going to be so different when I'm not surrounded by unused yarn. I'll finish the blanket next to me, then the blanket in the ottoman, then we'll see from there.

If my roommate IS interested in tackling other rooms, I'm certainly down for that, but given that everything else is common space, all decisions need to be mutual.

Mind you, all of that will be at the very earliest the end of this month. I still have about three major projects in my room that have to be paced out so that no one gets too tired over them, and we all know how easily I tire.

In any event, March is here. Hopefully we have a happy Spring.