And the Fog Lifted and Our Heroine Saw the Light Once More

If you've never been crazy (and I will assume most of you haven't been), then you probably don't realize how, for many, it isn't a constant state.  Crazy fluctuates. Sometimes it is intense and ever-present. Sometimes it sort of dances off in the next room.  And sometimes, blissfully, the fog lifts and you can see again.

I'm in a point of clarity right now.  Part of it is that Seasonal Affect Disorder Happynotfuntime is over. Part of it is that we're past the anniversary of my grandmother's death. It could also be me being really careful about taking my meds, working out, getting better sleep.  Maybe it is me processing some things and finding closure and meaning.

Whatever the case, I'm in The Good Zone right now.  Things are mentally easier. I feel more positive about writing and about, well, living. I can be assertive and rational.  I can come to the end of the day and think, "Wow, I really had fun today."  It's really great.

Except . . .

As I said, it fluctuates. Right now, I'm good.  But I know things can always get bad again.  I don't want it to get bad. I truly do not enjoy being a depressed and anxious mess.  I would love to think that I'll never go back to that, things will just get better, life will improve and improve and improve.

I wish that were the case.  And I always hope that it is the case. The thing is, people get blame-y.  When they see you happy and good, they think it's something you're doing when you're down again. They think you're being indulgent. They think you can control it, you just won't.

Trust me, if I could control the crazies, I would.  If I could keep myself feeling the way I do in this moment, I most certainly would.

Because I feel good right now.  Not panicky-try-to-rationalize-yourself-into-a-better-mood good. Not OMG-please-please-nothing-go-wrong good. Not I-can't-cope-with-the-NOW-so-I'll-just-daydream good. No, I really feel very, very good. Very happy.

It's such a lovely feeling.