If I Was God: Ten Commandments Post Part 1

Today someone asked me about my religious beliefs and one of the things I forgot to mention was how I sometimes blog about what life would be life if I were god.  I think I told him just about the rest of it, but given the shitnasty fuckstorm my life has been of late, I decided I would expound more on how your life would be were I your deity.

With that in mind, I shall present to you, mine ten commandments.  Well, actually, the first five. For I am a lazy god and in need of sleep. The next five will come tomorrow.

1. THOU SHALT NOT MISQUOTE ME.

As god, I would be really annoyed when people misquoted me, especially when it was done to serve their own ends. Now, a little, accidental misquote I would be fine with. But the idea of say, I dunno, basing who sermons, sets of laws, or religions on misquotes? That gets you punishment.

In this case, punishment would be a polite note for the first offense, a very large volume of my writing dropped on you for the second offence, and for the third, I would burn whatever you misquoted into your forehead....but in that way you could read it in the mirror.

2. IGNORANCE OF WHAT I HAVETH SAIDETH, IS NO EXCUSE FOR MISQUOTING ME.

If there is a religious text out there and you say you follow that religion, READ THE TEXT. Read it, read it again, process it, discuss it, understand it.

Punishment for this offence is having a very annoying person with a sharp stick come and quiz you every day until you DO know it.

3. THOU SHALT MIND THINE OWN BUSINESS.

Look, most of you aren't perfect. Far from it!  So work on that. Pay attention to the crap you're doing on a person level and try to stop it.  Let everyone else take care of themselves.

Now, I'm not saying don't defend people when you see them in trouble. I'm talking about spreading gossip, rumors, and spying on your friends/neighbors.

Punishment for this will involve you revealing secrets about yourself at the worst time.

4. THOU SHALT NOT BE AN ASSHOLE.

This oneshould be rather self-explanatory. If you have difficulty deciding if certain behavior is assholish, then I will, again, send polite notes....the first time around.

Punishments will vary. but be very creative, cruel, and situationally appropriate
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5. YES, THIS EVEN MEANS THOU SHALT NOT BE AN ASSHOLE TO PEOPLE WHO DO NOT-ETH WORSHIP ME.

In fact, these are the people you should be the NICEST to. These are the ones we want to JOIN US.  Why would they ever do that if you're being a jerk to them. Idiots.

Punishment for this crime will also vary, though if enough of my worshipers were assholes to people who didn't follow me, I'd just make it to where the people who didn't follow were in the right. Hah!

And I could do that too! I would, after all, be god.