Well would you look at that! It's Friday night again, which means I'll be making a list of some crap. In honor of the possible Rapture, but more importantly, in honor of high school graduations going on, I will be devoting this list to thinks I am so, so happy I have left.
Because many Americans suffer from both Protestant Work Ethic and abandonment issues, we tend to think leaving things is horrible. It isn't though. Sometimes walking away from something is just the natural thing to do. It is your moment. Other times, walking away from something is the most healthy thing you can do. It's the only way to save your sanity.
THINGS I HAVE LEFT AND AM BETTER FOR IT
1. Organized religion.
You know, I am still a very spiritual person. Often devotedly so. I may not act much like it on this blog, but that is because I believe religion to be very, deeply private and something you should only share with a few people. Kind of like your crotch!
Walking away from organized religion was important to me because it was the first time I really took responsibility for what would happen with my own faith. I could no longer hide behind the ideas of others or the look to others to guide me. I would have to find my own path. Sometimes, this has been really difficult. This is something I actually take seriously, so it tends to be an ongoing conversation in my head all the time.
Come to think of it, I've actually left at least a couple of organized religions. I was of one faith, walked away, joined another, walked away, and then spent years arriving to where I am now. And this place I'm in now isn't about complicating my spiritualism with the bullshit of others.
2. My mother.
When I was 14, I decided I had enough of my mother's endless drama and drew a line in the sand. When she crossed it, I moved in with my grandparents. I have to say it was the best decision I made as a young person.
My mother and I had a toxic relationship. She was hellbent on destroying any semblance of sanity in our lives and I just couldn't handle that any more.
When you tell people that you left your mom when you were a teen, they react . . . badly. They always assume it is something wrong with you, that you were spoiled or selfish or willful. I hope that anyone who has ever made that judgement reads this and realizes that quite often, people leave their parents because they aren't being parented. There is no protection, love, or security in the house. You have to walk away from that.
3. Toxic friendships.
Again, many people will give the negatives on this one. They will say friends should be devoted and loyal. They're right, of course. However, you should never been devoted and loyal at the expense of your own well-being. I've been in situations where friends were hurting me or draining me to the point where I was losing who I was. I've had people say they were my friends and then betray every secret when they needed to use it against me.
Quite often, it's not that you have to cut this person completely from your life. Usually it's just a matter of establishing boundaries of what is acceptable and what isn't. However, with some toxic friendships, the only way to keep yourself safe is to go away.
4. My grandmother's house.
When I came home from college, I moved in with my grandmother and lived there until I was 28. At that point, my current roommate and I decided to move in together. My grandmother wasn't happy about this because she liked how things were with me in the house (mostly) and feared being alone.
The thing is, when I moved out, she suddenly got far more socially active. She started going on a more regular basis to the senior center. She made friends there and had people to hang with during their music shows. She started going to karaoke and met even more people through that.
Sometimes when we leave a situation, the main benefit isn't to us. It isn't always that our presence in the situation is negative as much as it creates a certain social pattern that shakes up when we leave. As humans, we can become so devoted to our routines and comfort zones that we never explore the possibilities beyond them. When the patterns change, suddenly we see all the other options.
5. Society.
I think it was around 31 or 32 when I really had my nervous break and more or less retreated into the house. Unless I was forced to do so, I avoided people at all costs and didn't leave my home. I tried not to talk to others (except via computer) or go outside at all. Other than going to see one friend and my grandmother, I didn't go out at all.
Okay, so I've gotten a lot of therapy since this and I've slowly started rejoining society. I'll go see friends now. I'll hang out on my porch and I even go with my roommate to shop or run errands. I'll smile at people when I see them and even stop to talk. I'm happier now and I know my level of social interaction is healthier than it was.
However, I still do not and can not regret the time I spent in retreat. I needed that. I had to pull back and hide. It was quite possibly the only thing that kept me from going into total insanity at the time. In all of our lives, we are going to have moments when we just need to pull a blanket over our heads and pretend like the rest of the world doesn't exist. And this is perfectly okay . . . so long as you give yourself permission to come out when you're ready.
Wow, so I feel all happy and purged and healthier now after writing this. It's good to look back and see the moments when you made decisions to make your life better, even if those decisions involved walking away from things.
You know, if you find yourself in an impossible situation, you owe it to you to at least entertain and consider the possibility of walking away. If you think it through, you may just find the answers to the problems you're facing.
Or you may just find that the best thing you can do is leave and never look back.
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