And Now She's Her Own Caretaker

I've been having trouble sleeping. Or, more to the point, I'm having trouble making myself go to bed.  I'm doing this on purpose, putting off my sleep, but I'm not sure why.  Like I said in the last post, I've been trying to curb a rebellion of anxiety. Something is brewing and I think it's because of the therapy stuff.

Today was draining. I think both my therapist and I were emotionally wrecked by the end of it.  She actually apologized to me because the session had to end.  It didn't end in a good way. There was no type to unwind from where we were. She's usually good about that but I think I had us both caught in my process. We lost track of time.

Okay, have you ever had a cat with ear mites? If you haven't, you're lucky. For those of you who have, that is about the best metaphor I can give you for what dealing with long buried abuse is like.

Cleaning out a cat's ears when they have mites is gross.  You go through layer upon layer of nasty, with large chunks coming out and getting on you, dark brown horrors that seem to have no end.  All the while, the cat is writhing, howling, clawing at you.  You're getting cut. You're in pain. You're frustrated as hell because you're just  trying to make the situation better and it's almost impossible to do so. And at the same time, you're having to be careful, so so careful, because you don't want to hurt the animal.

Yup. That's about where I am with this. Some protective part of my brain is the writhing, confused, and angry cat who is clawing and howling with all her power to keep everything buried and matted nasty. And the other part of me is the caretaker, trying to do her best not to get anyone hurt in the process of getting all that gross shit out.

And I know there isn't a way I can avoid the hurt.  As I go through this, I'm going to get clawed, I'm going to bleed, and I'm going to get things jabbed into the uncomfortable areas inside my psyche. That IS the process.

When you have a cat, you push on with this process of getting the healed because you love them. You have committed to the responsibility to make sure they are as healthy as possible. This is how I have to see myself right now. I am the caretaker of me.  I am the one who loves me and the one who is trying to get me healed.

I'll do whatever it takes.