Last night I dreamed my roommate shot me in the head. It didn't hurt. I just saw a bunch of flashing lights, thought 'oh, so this is the end of things,' and floated out of my body. I lingered around as a ghost for a while and found it to be rather peaceful. One of my cats kept trying to sit on my lap, but she would always sink through, you know, because of the ghost thing. I'm sure I'll have weird, morbid dreams for a while. After a month like this, how could I not?
December always takes from me, but this year it was even more painful. It took sweet things from me, beautiful things, potentially wonderful things. It robbed me of things I loved. It has left me and those closest to me in emotional shambles. I'm hurt and a bit broken and more than a bit scared. I'm not sure how much more I could handle and I really, really do not want to know.
I guess mostly right now, I just want to find something solid to hold onto as we all ride this wave of grief. Nothing is stable right now. No decisions are completely sound. There is too much hurt and too much raw fear. We don't know how to be ourselves right now, because part of how we defined ourselves is gone. We have to re-evaluate, but doing so seems like a betrayal of what has been taken.
So yeah, I guess that's what I'm looking for right now. Something solid. Something stable. Something I can depend on to be there as I fall apart and put myself back together. I probably won't find it because I'm not sure I ever have. Or maybe it's the blog.
It's probably the blog.
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