The villain known as Monday sat in his vast castle, cackling his evil cackles as he watched our heroine Black Haired Barbie as she slept. Monday had many rivals, but he felt a certain hatred towards BHB, due to her expert snark, unusual good looks, and general state of awesomeness. It was the plan of Monday to do anything within his power to defeat her.
"Look at her sleep," said Monday in his shrill and jealous voice. "Just look at her. I'm going to do everything I can to ruin her day. Bwahahahahah.....hah!" And then he paused for dramatic effect, waiting a whole 18 seconds before adding one last "hah!"
Monday knew he couldn't sabotage BHB the way he did other people. "After all, that lazy chick doesn't work! I can't just bombard her with paperwork or annoying coworkers. No, I need to do other things. OTHER things. What DOES she do on Mondays? Anything?" He looked through her dayplanner . . . probably something he got from NSA . . . and realized she drove her roommate to Walmart on most Mondays.
Monday did a little victory dance, which for Monday looks something like a cross between twerking and being electrocuted. "I will begin my attacks with bombardments from my new ally, Senile Old Man Cat!"
Senile Old Man Cat slipped into BHB's bedroom and began to deposit stinking piles of cat poo on her floor. Now, it is well known that BHB keeps a clean litter box for her animal friends, but for some reason, Senile Old Cat has decided that he isn't going to use that and believes that bedrooms, behind chairs, or any pathway where people may be walking in the middle of the night is the places where he is supposed to do his nasty business.
BHB woke, as she usually did, disoriented and in need of the bathroom. As she looked out over her floor, she realized that Monday had launched his first attack using Senile Old Man Cat as a weapon. She sighed and cursed a little, but it didn't deter her.
"Oh come on," BHB said to Monday, for she knew he was listening. "Don't you think I'm used to this by now? I keep a supply of things in my room designed to deal with the cat poo attacks." And within seconds, the mess was cleaned and she went on with her day.
From his vantage point, Monday howled at her resourcefulness. "Curse that woman! How dare she foil me like that. Ahh, but then again, tis only a battle. Not the war. After all, she is going to be taking herSELF to my next ally in darkness. The Great Walmart Parking Lot! Bwahahahahaha. HAH!"
And indeed, BHB and her roommate did have to travel to the Walmart. They did not wish to, but were out of key items. As she let him off at the door, she wished him luck, knowing he would face his own enemies inside. . . the Horde of Stupidity, the Carts of Disfunction, the Madness of Disorganization, and children. While he braved these foes, she would have to battle the enemies on the outside.
Oddly, one of her usual foes, the Creature of Overcrowding, was no where to be seen. She supposed it was too hot for it to unleash most of its weapons. She did find herself facing one of the more annoying monsters, the Inconsiderate Cart People. One of the Inconsiderates happened to be stopping carts in the parking place that she planned on taking. Said parking place was probably still empty because the cart was there, which, in a way, was an advantage to her. BHB pulled into the spot, careful to not hit the cart. She then left the car (a rare thing for her) and moved the cart out of her way. She smiled because she knew Monday was in anguish over her use of, well, not being as lazy as she usually was.
Monday was angry, and again did some howling, because Monday usually just howls, makes speeches, or laughs evilly. He's kind of limited that way. He paced back and forth as BHB defeated the other parking lot monsters. The Driving the Wrong Way Creature. The Stopping for No Damned Reason Monster. The 'I never Look before I walk across the street because mama said I was special and no one would ever run over me' horde. The children.
But then Monday realized he had one more trick up his sleeve. As she and the roommate returned home from Walmart, he smiled manically as he realized one last monster, a secret monster, lurked in the back of the van. This monster was new, recently born from the greed to save pennies and the lack of understanding the consequences of that.
"Those bags," Monday purred. "Those bags are thinner now. Thinner than they have ever been. And . . . and . . . I bet, if I just . . ." And with a little flick of Monday's hand, the Thin Bag Monster stretched itself just a little thinner in the sack that contained BHB's glass jar of pickles.
Of course, BHB didn't realize this as she hooked the bags together on her handles. To keep the van cooler, she and the roommate had started parking it under the shade tree, which meant a longer walk back to the house. Last year when this new plan was proposed to BHB, she wasn't happy about it, as it disrupted her policy on walking and laziness. However, she'd lost some weight since then, so it wasn't as horrible as she'd assumed it would be. Though, today, as she carried the Thin Bag Monster that held her glass jar, she was in danger of proving herself wrong.
She began to walk back to the house, already hating being out in the heat. As she stepped onto the driveway, and as Monday leaned in close to get a good look at the damage, she heard something fall from one of the bags and crash onto the pavement.
The thing is, even though BHB is, at best, a rather lackadaisical and tricksy heroine, she is also, on occasion, the possessor of some amazing levels of luck. And on this day, despite Monday doing all he could to destroy her, that luck kicked in. Because laying on the pavement was NOT shards of glass and sad looking pickles. No, instead, it was one lone can of beans, more or less unharmed, the only companion to the jar of pickles.
As Monday howled (again) in rage, BHB picked up the can and cradles the bag back into the house. When she opened it and saw the pickles, she was consumed with total gratitude over the fact that it was the can that fell out of the hole in the thin bag and not the glass jar. Monday didn't win, and knew he could never try that trick again, because BHB and her roommate made plans on how to deal with the Thin Bag Monster so it could never harm them again.
Defeated, Monday retreated back into his castle, brooding over the day's missteps. "Black Haired Barbie won! And I'm not even sure HOW she won. I should have won! I tried so hard." For a moment, Monday considered giving up and just letting BHB go on about her life. But then he remembered there were still millions of ways he could mess with her and he cackled again.
"Until next week, you clever girl," he whispered. "Until next week....."
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