Imaginary Progress

It seems the imaginary politicians have decided to reopen the government. The imaginary elephant ones basically lost and the imaginary donkey ones didn't lose, but no one is happy with them either. Actually, no one is happy with any of them.  Who did lose? Basically everyone who works for the government but wasn't allowed to do their jobs for the last two weeks. All of these people aren't imaginary. They are real people who suffered real consequences due to this shut down. I feel for them. It sucks when imaginary people can ruin your life.

So here's there real question. We all know that the imaginary people are never doing what they say they are doing. They are capable of only telling lies. Therefore, this whole shutdown was probably a smokescreen for something else. What was that? I have some theories.

THEORY ONE: The government was busy designing a supersecret version of the NSA that no one knows about . . . because everyone knows about what the NSA has been up to.  You really can't have shadowy secret government organizations if everyone knows about the shadows and secrets. The best way to make sure that no one catches on to what you are doing is to construct a deeper, more secretive level of the spying.

On a personal note, to my NSA watcher? What up, man? I hope you're having a good day. I hope the shutdown didn't adversely affect you.

THEORY TWO: The government spent the last two weeks trying to devise ways to fund itself.  All these national parks were shut down, which provides some great opportunities for the government to get some money. For instance, they could lease the land to drug cartels for growing purposes. This is really a win/win for everyone involves. The government gets some money to fund itself. The cartel gets to grow drugs in a vast expanse of land. The cartel is also able to insure that America (a country that purchases a lot of illegal drugs) remains stable and capable of buying product.

While this idea is pretty immoral and distasteful to a lot of people, it is at least a practical solution to our money problem. Yeah, okay, practical solution pretty much rules out is actually happening.

THEORY THREE: Politicians are addicted to the attention of media coverage and used this shut down as a way to get more people to look at them. Sigh. You know, this one is probably the most true. Because of the shut down, the imaginary politicians were on all the news programs. People wrote about them and talked about them. People took pictures of them and we had to look at them trying to act like they have actual emotions about things.

I mean, even Sarah Palin got involed. Sarah. Palin. She actually holds no political office at all these days. She's just some former politician who is still trying to get attention and money for showing up places to say words that sound vaguely important (but really aren't) and shake her fist. I've had to look at her more in the last two weeks than I've had to in several years. I shouldn't have to see her!

Anyway, the whole mess is over for a while. I'm sure they'll be starving for attention again soon and find some new way to make us look them. I'm shaking my head right now. I really wish someone would just get them lollipop or something.