Problem Solving for Fun

Most of the time, I feel no different than I have all of my life. Still as confused. Still as random. Still as interested in the same things. Still fearful of the same things as well. Maturity seems to allude me . . . most of the time.

On occasion, however, I really do see differences, signs of maturity. Most of my life, I'm shied away from the things that were difficult. When things came easily to me, I enjoyed them. When things were difficult, I would grow frustrated and walk away from whatever it was, even if it was something I wanted. If my hands couldn't produce the results or my brain couldn't conceive of the solution, I would just give up.

The only time this didn't happen were instances where I was forced to follow through, meaning the only time I could usually accomplish a goal was during a crisis. Usually this goal was something along the lines of 'do whatever I have to to make this bad thing stop so that I can go back to my life.' 'Make the bad thing stop' is a goal we can all believe in and all work our hardest to accomplish. It should not, however, be the only thing we accomplish.

The sad truth is, if I came across something difficult and it wasn't a serious life or death matter, I almost always just stopped it.It wasn't vital, so I didn't care. This meant that my life became structured around things that were easy for me and things that I had no choice but to do. Because I enjoyed the easy things, I began to focus on them and quite frankly developed very few adaptability/problem solving skills that I associated with 'good times.' My adaptability/problem solving skills were found in a mental box labeled 'Tools to Use in Crisis.'

This has limited my capacity to learn and to grow as a person. Because I would only tackle 'the difficult' when it was a matter of being forced to do so, I never truly allowed myself to hone the skills one can employ when tackling the difficult. I also lost out on many things that could have really enriched my life. Playing guitar was 'too hard' so I never learned. My eyes glaze over when I read a lot of recipes and knitting patterns. They seem so difficult and, because they aren't life or death, why put myself through it?

But as I'm growing older, I'm beginning to see the value IN tackling the difficult stuff, even when it's not a crisis. Yes, I wrote the other night about how it seemed i am doomed to have misshapen hats for the rest of me life, but the reality is, I won't. I'll only have misshapen hats until I am a skilled enough knitter to not misshape them.

It may take me another ten years to figure this process out, but if I keep trying, eventually, the skills will develop. Instead of looking at my wonky creations with resigned annoyance, I have the opportunity to look at them as learning experiences, to analyze where everything went to hell, and find ways around that path. Eventually, if I work at it and take it seriously, I could actually make cute hats.

In the meantime, I am going to revel in the fact that I finished Headward with a day to spare. I'm going to savor what I learned from this process and be happy with not only the fruit of my labors, but the experience I gained from it. My next project is a new wonky hat that will hopefully be less wonky than the last one. And if it isn't well, at least it's more experience for me. It's one more step toward the mountain.