I Survived July

Like yesterday, I haven't had the best of days. It's been another day when I felt depresses and kind of lost about everything that is going on. There has been pain and discomfort today. There has been a nasty little bout of hot flashes. There was even a copy of my statement from my insurance about all the activities I've been through.

I'm not going to focus on that though. Despite what my mind is telling me, I'm going to write about the positive stuff. There have been a lot of changes in the last month and while many of them have been difficult, I have survived them. That is something to celebrate.

At the beginning of last month, I was still very much raw nerves about this whole process. I couldn't quite articulate what was happening to me. In a lot of ways, I really didn't even understand the depth of it. There is a magnitude to losing your reproductive system and I think it's going to take me quite a while to come to terms with this. Even if it was just a physical loss, it would be difficult. This is also an ongoing hormonal adjustment. Every day, I am still battling with this adjustment. So far, I've survived.

In this month, I have also settled the questions about radiation. My surgeon told me it would have to happen and I accepted this, but when I spoke to an actual radiologist, she didn't think it would be needed. I've struggled a lot with the fear of this procedure this month. I read quite a bit about what happens during the process and it didn't sound fun. There could have been some difficult side effects. It is such a relief to know that it doesn't have to happen.

The biggest thing I can do to aid in my healing is to increase my physical activity. In the last month, I've done this. I've been walking as often as the weather and my body would permit, usually at least once a day, often twice a day. I have increased the distance I walk and tried to train my body to do this in a way that is most beneficial to my system. This hasn't been easy for me. Often, walking has come at the price of later discomfort and exhaustion. Sometimes, there has been a lot of pain. I don't like it, but I know it needs to happen. I feel quite a bit of relief when it's finished for the day. I feel quite accomplished.

So this was July. A month of hardships, of little victories, of moments of panic and despair. I didn't like all of it, but I survived it. I survived it.