Plowing Through

I'm about to start on a project that will require me to write for a solid month. Just write. No going back to look at plot structure. No going back to figure out if my sentences made sense. Just writing, tossing things down on paper (or typing words, in this case) with the hope that in the end, it makes enough sense that it can be shaped into a valid story.

We'll see.

Love, Life, and Facebook Games

I've written about Facebook games before and how there always tends to be a pattern with them. At first, there is the honeymoon phase, where you love the game SO MUCH and can't wait to get to play it. Then there is the point where it gets kind of challenging and you love it because you want to do so well at it because it's your favorite game. Then you learn to do it really well. There are a couple of days of victory where that is just wonderful. Then.......it gets repetitive......then......boring. Then it feels like an obligation to keep playing it. Then you get so bored with it that it makes you ill just to think about playing it and you stop.

It's important to keep the nature of Facebook games in mind when you think about other people. We often chafe at the fact that those around us are being less than perfect. They're not making things easy on us. We focus on all the aspects of them that annoy us and wonder why the relationship is so hard.

What would it be like if everything was easy with this other person? Well, much like with the game, it would be great at first......then repetitive....then boring.....then sickeningly boring.

Now I'm not saying you should go out and pick some abusive person who is awful and scary. I'm not saying you should put yourself in a situation where you're scared to be in your own home.

What I am saying, however, is that quite often we ignore the people we're truly attracted to because they don't fit the mental list of traits we believe a lover HAS to have. Instead of going for the person we have real chemistry with, we go for the person who seems the closest we can get to perfect.

In light of the marriage equality happening, I would hope that all of us, no matter what our orientation, find it within ourselves to be braver. I hope that we all listen to what our bodies and souls are telling us about real attraction and go for the people we really WANT, not the ones who seem the most acceptable. It's time for everyone to choose the people who will challenge them and make that challenge worthwhile.

Sterile Environments

I'm not going to post about the marriage thing forever, but I feel like I need to make one more post. Maybe this is also in light of what happened with me last year. I keep seeing these 'against gay marriage' posts from people who are blathering about how marriage is about children.  Their main point seems to be that if a marriage can't produce children then it shouldn't be allowed.

I suppose this means they don't believe I should marry. My marriage would never produce children. I'm incapable of having any. Any marriage I would have would just be about loving this other person, sharing my life with them, and growing old together.

And while all of that sounds very nice and very valid for reasons why two people would join each other in matrimony, if these people had their way, I wouldn't be allowed to do it, even if I am straight, because no kids would be born.

Again, tell me about these family values of yours.

Family Values

The dust has settled somewhat about the marriage equality legalization. People are starting to make plans about their marriages, about supporting other people's marriages, and as usual, those against it are trying to worm things back to their way. They will do all they can to make this as unhappy for everyone as possible. I really don't see why. Some people just can't abide the contentment of others.

They try to do this by claiming to be 'pro-family,' all the while limiting what family means.  I read a post by a woman whose father had committed suicide when she was younger. He was a closeted gay man who felt life restricting him. She wrote about how she wished he could have lived to see the day when gay marriage would be legal. She wished he could have seen his grandchildren.

Another woman wrote how she was happy marriage was legal for everyone now, because when she had children, she didn't want them to grow up feeling their options were limited. If she had gay children, she wanted them to know that marriage was a path open to them, just like it would be to a straight child.

In other words,  people want to know that their family members won't feel marginalized. They want to know that their family members will be treated equally under the law and have the same chance at happiness as everyone else. For them,  this is about love and protection. This IS about family. It IS pro-family.

Marriage Freedom

SCOTUS made gay marriage legal in all 50 states today.  This is good news for several people that I know. It means they can finally get married to the person they've basically been married to for years. This makes me happy. If you want to do the marriage thing,  you should be allowed to.

It's rare that I ever get to feel elation about something the government does, but I did today. I felt good and proud that my nation recognized that everyone should get the chance at marriage. A lot of people are grousing about it, but I think even  they realize that freedom to make decisions about how one will spend one's life is a fundamental thing that shouldn't be denied to us.

SCOTUS, today you made the right decision.

AC and Grand Illusions

We've hit that point during the summer where we can't avoid turning on  the AC. Our tipping point temp is 97 though there are factors that play into that. A really high heat index will cause us to turn it on earlier though a low humidity will keep it off. I can function in 100 degrees with low humidity just fine. A lot of this usually depends on how the appliances in the kitchen are behaving. We really can't afford to replace a fridge.

Today we just couldn't avoid it. The heat and humidity proved too much for us. I kind of like the hours when the house is shut down though. It feels comforting to me. I like having the windows and doors open, but I never quite feel secure about it. Plus, the bugs always get inside.

My roommate and I were talking about bathing suits the other day and it reminded me of this one my mom had when I was little. It was a one-piece and had foam bra cups built into it. I would wear it around the house, proudly proclaiming to everyone that I had boobies. I'm sure my three-year-old self thought I was fooling everyone.

Of course, it was the 70s and my parents' friends did a lot of drugs back  then. Who knows? Maybe someone really believed it.

Past the Hell

So a year ago today, I was about a week past having to go to Tulsa. I was still in a lot of pain and still in a lot of unhappy places. Whenever I would walk, my whole stomach would get twisted up in cramps that I wasn't sure I would really be able to live with.

Aside from the pain though, I was a happy, happy woman. I was past the surgery and past the trip. It was so nice to know all of it was behind me. It was so good to just think that the dread was over. Living with the anticipation of the surgery was almost harder than the surgery itself.

One of my coping mechanisms is to remind myself that situations are temporary. Sometimes when I'm upset or stressed, I'll remind myself that I only have x number of hours before the situation is over. Then I can be somewhere else, happier, safer. It is usually enough to get me through the moments.

Summer Blah

I am SO tired today. Seriously, honestly tired. I know it's the heat, because I didn't do anything to warrant being tired, but still. It's there and it's profound and it's somewhat dominating my life. I've been drinking lots of liquid and keeping my stretches up in the morning, but it's not doing a lot of good. Then again, it's summer. Summer is hard.

I know it's not really THAT bad. Several summers ago, we had temps over 100 for weeks a time. This is mild compared to that. It's still not easy though. And I'm trying to do this while adjusting back to being on meds. The med situation was finally sorted out now that I have the new health care provider. I was off of some of them for quite a while though and my body isn't bouncing back  that easily.

Aside from being tired, my day was pretty simple. I'm happy for that.

Find What you Love

"You've got to find what you love and let it kill you." ~ Kinky Friedman

I spent a lot of time last night reading that VC Andrews blog and it's still great. I've been thinking about how it somewhat relates to Madoka, in terms of the characters being these middle school-aged girls who, as Kyubey says, usually live lives full of both complete hope and utter despair. Both have a lot of qualities of fantasy and wishes and utter devastation.

And while Madoka doesn't have the prevailing sexual nature of VC Andrews stories, the subtext is still there.  People (or Kyubey) seek to deceive the girls as a means to control them. Controlling them is necessary because the young girls can provide things that no one else really can. It is, of course, a story many girls on  the verge of womanhood hear, experience, and try their best to survive.

A lot of women, now that they're adults, have puzzled as to what really appealed to them where these books were concerned. It's something I've wondered about myself, even when it comes to things like Madoka. After all, I'm quite fascinated with this stuff. One of my earliest memories is some movie where a little girl in a fancy tea dress was trapped in a well. I have no idea what the movie was, but that image always stuck with me.

I have a theory, and it's kind of a sad and sick one. See, some people believe that we like this stuff because we crave the idea of someone treating us this way, but I don't believe that's true. After all, the mistreatment is never presented as a GOOD thing. It's always presented as pretty awful.

Maybe though, maybe, just maybe it's that many young girls secretly suspect and fear that their lives will be full of people trying to control and use them.  At the end, they may not have a choice in the matter and just get swallowed up by the process. So perhaps the fantasy aspect is that, at least, whatever uses, abuses, and destroys you at least has SOME benefits to it.

After all, Kyubey is a deceptive little creature, but he does give you a wish (even if it backfires) and you DO get to be a magical girl for a while. You get adventure and importance and theme music. And with VC Andrews folks, well, yes the situations are dire but full of passion and intensity. Sick, freaky passion and intensity, but that's better than boringness that sucks the life out of you. Damian Adare may be a controlling sociopath monster, but it's really clear that in the bedroom, the man can throw down.  He's really hot too, and while no one wants to really BE around a sociopath monster, if you have to be, it helps if he's hot. And yes, I know that's shallow, but it's better than nothing.

By the time girls are finding VC Andrews, some of them are starting to suspect that nothing might be all  that's on the menu.

Father's Day

So last year, I really have no clear concept of even when Father's Day was. It was pretty far from my mind due to all the other stuff going on. I think it may have been the week before my surgery. Like I said, I can't remember.

This year, I actually drove over (several days ago) and saw my dad. We had a really good time and he told me some absolutely great stories about my family. We had stew and watched a concert he had recorded. It felt really normal and good. I was proud of myself for going and proud that I could be brave enough to have the experience.

And in terms of how much of a difference a year can make, I think this shows a lot of it. Making brave decisions and NOT being in crazy levels of pain can take you to some pretty great places. I probably have more tangible memories of this year than I have of the last several, mostly because I've done more stuff.

On a non-related note, I found a VC Andrews analysis blog. It is gloriously bad.

My Body

A year ago today, I learned two very profound things about my body. They seemed to oppose each other, but I suppose in a way they didn't. To that end, I also learned one very important thing about my will. I was determined to leave the hospital as soon as I possibly could. I don't know why this was so important to me, but it was. I'm not sure if it was about money or about the lack of privacy or just about the fact that the bathroom would be difficult for me because it was so small. Whatever the case, I wanted to go home.

So the first thing I learned about my body was that I can heal really well.  I understood this somewhat after the arm surgery, but nowhere near as much as I did the day after my uterus was removed. I went from a state of close to death to able to walk again. It's very impressive.

At the same time, I also learned what absolute pain feels like. My body was pulled roughly and I think I may have fallen off a bed or something. I'm still not sure. Whatever the case, by the time I road from Tulsa to home, I was in the most pain I had ever been in. It was a profound level of pain, so horrible that I wasn't even sure I could make myself get into the house, out of my clothes, or into the bed.

And this is when I learned about my will, because, I DID manage to get into the house, out of my clothes, and onto the bed. It was HARD. I was in so much pain I wanted to faint with every step. Death seemed kind compared to this pain. I was really, really worried  the pain wouldn't go away, and yet, I continued on. I mean, mostly because I knew once I was in bed I could get pain meds, but still.

By the next morning, the pain wasn't as intense. I'd lived through the ordeal. I'm rather impressed by that.

Happy Hysterversary

I remember blips about a year ago today. I remember riding in my uncle's car as we looked for the hospital (we somehow got turned around) and worrying that I would get there too late. I didn't, but it was certainly a worry. I was also worried that my stuff would go missing, but none of it did. It helped that getting to the floor where I needed to go was very easy. Just out of the car, up the elevator, and down a hallway. I kept repeating this to myself as I went.

Things happened quickly after I was inside. I only waited a bit before I was taken to a pre-op room. It was really nice though. The one I'd had in Fort Smith was open, with only curtains separating people. This was an actual, small little room. I answered questions and let them hook me to things. I think my IV was in by the second try, but it helped that I'd warned them I was a hard stick and they'd gotten one of their better people to do it.

It felt like the trip to the operating room  took forever. I remember going down tons of hallways and being very worried about things. I wasn't happy. I couldn't settle my mind. When I was finally in there, it was really cold, but I suppose they always are. I was transferred to the table without much trouble. I remember not liking one of the men in there or thinking he didn't like me, but I can't remember why. When the doctor came in, he introduced me to the robot as if we could be friends or something.

I was in hellish pain when I woke up. They'd had to do a blood gas, and that, honestly, was the most painful thing going on with me. That stung like the 7th ring of Hell. My belly felt huge, which of course it would have. They had to pump a lot of air into me. My head hurt and I needed ice so badly. They gave me my phone and I croaked to some people that I was alive. My uncle came in and that made it all so much better.

When I was finally taken to a room, the transfer to the bed hurt a lot. I knew I wasn't going to get comfortable until I had medication and I didn't. My sister-in-law arrived at some point and I encouraged my uncle to go to a cousin's house to sleep. He'd been awake for far too long.

Past that, I was given morphine and I don't remember much.

Alone

This time last year, I was alone in a hotel room, only hours away from surgery. Normally, I'm pretty good when I'm alone. As someone who is not but was basically raised as an only child, I'm quite capable of entertaining myself. However, given that I was about to go under the laser, I couldn't get my mind to quiet down. I couldn't keep my thoughts in their proper order.

I existed in a quiet dread, only speaking if someone would call me. This dread was punctuated by the uncomfortable level of warmth in  the room. The thermostat was fixed and locked and set several degrees above where I would have been comfortable. The bed was hard and lacked proper pillows. I ended up dragging the cushions off the loveseat in order to prop myself up to my liking.

The bath tub was really small. I sat on the side and dumped water over me using the container intended for ice. I remember scrubbing myself with the antibacterial soap over and over again. I wanted to be as clean as possible for the surgery. I washed my hair three times because I knew it would be several days before I could wash it again. The water was warm and towels were fluffy enough.

I couldn't really eat much after 2, but my uncle had bought me some peach yogurt from the convenience store and it was really good. I keep intending to get more on my follow-up visits to Tulsa, but I always forget. I drank as much water as I could until midnight. I wanted to be as hydrated as possible so that they didn't have trouble starting my IVs. The last time I'd had surgery, they'd had to do a pic line and I didn't want a repeat of that.

I couldn't decide if it was better for time to pass quickly or slowly. Both were problematic. In the end, it somehow felt like it was doing both.

A year ago tonight could have very possibly been the last night of my life. I'm glad it wasn't.

Fear of the Hours

When we moved into the house, one of the first battles my roommate faced in reclaiming the back yard was Virginia Creeper. It's a rather ambitious vine that winds and twists its way around everything. It climbs up limbs and wraps around them, coiling and digging in, and all the while, it gets stronger.

This is what fear was like for me last year. When I first got the cancer diagnosis, I was in denial and stayed there, even past the surgery, really. As the days passed though and the date of said surgery grew closer, so did the fear inside me. I would go through the motions of the day. I would go to appointments. I would make plans and arrangements. All the while, the fear continued to grow.

By this time last year, the vines of that fear were so twisted up inside me that I couldn't breath without thinking about it. This fear was a kind of reality I'd never experienced before. I could die. I could live with constant pain. I could be ripped open. There could be any number of complications. I had to meet all of those people and travel. No matter what I did, I couldn't escape the fear. I would console myself with the most ironic and dark of ideas.

And now, I remember the fear, but thankfully, it has subsided. I still have triggery moments. As I wrote a while back, seeing that part of Tulsa was difficult. However, I can sleep through the night without waking up for hours of dread and questions. I am so thankful for this.

Writing and Stuff

The grammar program that I have installed on all my online activity sends me a weekly report of my writing.  I am of two minds about this. On one hand, I think it's really great because it gives me a chance to assess my writing and consider where I can make improvements. On the other hand, my writing activity is being tracked, and, I don't know, maybe I should be concerned about that?

I write often. I was happy about that. I'm glad I'm writing more than I used to. Of course, it's by no means as much as it should be, but I'll get there. I made fewer mistakes than I did last week. Not a lot less, but that's something for which to be proud. I even wrote 'fewer' instead of 'less,' but that's mostly due to Stannis Baratheon. It's a pet peeve of his.

I'll probably be writing about my surgery the next few days. I'm coming up on the anniversary of it. Just thought I'd warn you.

Eyes on the Red Keep

WARNING: Game of Thrones/A Dance with Dragons spoilers.

I think one of the hardest scenes I ever read in any book was Cersei Lannister's walk of atonement chapter. It's an odd thing. When she's captured by the High Sparrow, you actually feel a bit of delight, because she'd basically laid this trap for herself. She gave the High Sparrow power, armed his followers, and allowed him enough rope to hang her, so to speak. If there is ever a moment when I was happy to see a character get what they deserved, it was then.

Once she confesses her sins (well, at least confesses to the ones that won't get her or her children killed), she's allowed to go back to her home, the Red Keep across the city from where she's being held. To do this, she is paraded through the city. She is naked, her hair is shaved (though just cut off very short on the show), and a big announcement is made about the whole thing.

As she walks through the city, she is called every name you can  imagine. People insult her. They threaten her, they sexually harass her, and they throw every nasty thing they can find at her. Some even throw stones.

The beautiful thing about this scene is that no matter how much I may have disliked Cersei's actions before hand, and no matter how clearly I could see the path that led her here, when I read the scene, my heart ached for her. It was humiliating and emotionally violent. She tried to keep her head held high and just walk without shame, but by the end, she was horrified, crying, and running to get away from  the crowd.

Cersei is a villain from chapter one of this whole thing. She is relentless in her actions and does fairly vile things to get what she wants. And before, I did say I disliked her actions but not her because I always loved the character. I can love a great villain, and she does have some of the best lines in the book. Even still, I'd accepted that she would pay for her crimes. Not everyone will in this story, but Cersei, I knew, eventually would.

When this walk happens though, everything about what this character may have done fades into the background. She eclipses what she was and perhaps even the story itself to touch on a kind of universal nerve. We're all social creatures and being publically shamed is a huge fear for many of us. This scene is devastating to the point that you don't feel sympathy for Cersei, you are horrified for her. It's one of the scenes that is just as good on the show as it was in the book. By the time Qyborn finally wraps a cloak around her and comforts her, you feel so much relief for her.

The scene also has a very subtle shift in where Cersei's strengths lie. She'd always relied on her beauty, station, power, and money to ensure that whatever she wanted would happen. In any society, these attributes can take you far, but all of them are fleeting. By the time Cersei makes her walk, she has been stripped of beauty, power, and wealth. The walk itself demonstrates that her station has been taken from her as well.

And yet, as she walks, she finds a new strength. She keeps her eyes focused on the Red Keep, on her home. As people scream at  her, harm her, humiliate her, and threaten her, she kept moving forward. By the end, even as she is breaking down in so many ways, she still continues forward, eyes on the Red Keep. When she gets there, she is at her breaking point, but she DID make it.

I don't know what will happen to her story from here, but I certainly hope the High Sparrow learns a very important truth. You can only take from someone what you know they have. When they find more to themselves that what you saw, you are usually in a lot of danger.

Sunday Muggy Sunday

I'm going to see my dad tomorrow. Hopefully, the drive over will contain less closed roads than last time. Also, I hope things go well once I get there. I have his Father's Day gift and a witty card.

It always seems to rain when I go to Fort Smith and I am sure tomorrow will be no exception. I wish it would have rained today, but instead it just stayed in this state of mugginess. It's been unpleasant. I'm not really sweaty, but I certainly feel on the verge of it.

It was a pretty slow day. No drama. The cats all stayed in the same places.  Other than the humidity, it wasn't so bad.

Alone in the Void

Due to an issue a relative of mine has, I am on a Facebook support group for people who also have this issue. The group is very active, and while they sometimes have their problems, for the most part, they are very supportive.  Over the months that I've watched this group, I've noticed that a lot of the trolls and crazies have been weeded out. It's made things better for everyone.

These groups are important. One of the most devastating aspects of any chronic illness is that it often isolates the ill. They lose friends. They stop being social. They often cease all interaction with others. I've read comments by people in  this group, and they sometimes talk about how they feel alone in the void, with only the other people on the internet to talk to them.

Tonight, a woman posted how she wished someone would call her. She was in the hospital, close to death, and no one was there with her. She said that if anyone was interested, she would pm them her number. She said she didn't want to cause any trouble. She just needed to hear a human voice in what were probably the last hours of her life. People agreed to call her. Others wished her well. I never read who spoke to her or not, but I know there were many offers.

The internet can be an awful place. We all know it can. It has found ways to hurt us like we've never been hurt before. At the same time, for those who are alone in the void, it can also be a source of needed comfort. It can be that hand in the darkness. For people who might not get that otherwise, it's a beautiful thing.

Sometimes, It Works

I have meds! My new health care provider has provided! She called the pharmacy and I was able to pick up meds. And yes, I know this is a small thing, but understand that it has been MONTHS since I was able to do this because of my other doctor's fuckery. YAY!!! This is so good. I am so absolutely relieved!

When I picked up my meds, I almost cried. Seriously. It was so awesome. I was to the point where I felt like I might not ever get this straightened out. This is a great day.

Owning You

There is a trend going around of girls not shaving their armpits and it's freaking everyone out. People will show the link to the article and tons of people (most of them women) will type "GROSS" in Caps Lock and talk about how horrible this is. Some of these posts would have 40 or 50 comments, almost all negative.

I have to admit, at one time, I was like this. When I was younger, I freaked out when I saw that my favorite singer had armpit hair.  I would cringe at her videos. Though, after a while, I realized it had stopped bothering me. It was just part of her. In fact, I started noticing that a lot of the women I viewed as the 'cool girls' rarely shaved.

As I've grown older, I've kind of reached this point where I find it annoying that in order to be 'acceptable,' women are supposed to alter things about their body, things their bodies do naturally, and just look like all the other hairless women. This is especially disturbing in a culture that celebrates and basically fetishizes men's beards. We praise men for a thick beard and compliment them on the uniqueness of it. But when it comes to women, ohh no. No hair unless it's on your head. Otherwise, you'd better just look like a smooth little doll.

Look, if you want to shave, that's fine with me. If you don't want to shave, that's also fine with me. And really, in either case, it doesn't matter how I feel about it because what you do with your body and its hairs are none of my business.

Medical Journies

I'm not sure how I well I would have handled today had I not started trying to tackle the things that scare me. As I've blogged about recently, more than once, the prospect of going to a new health provider was terrifying. Even after the fact, it's still terrifying. Part of me is wondering how this could all mess up. And trust me, my mind is supplying endless ways. Even still, I went to the appointment and didn't die. I was poked with needles, but thankfully, that didn't hurt.

Changing doctors is rough. Health providers are basically strangers that you suddenly have to trust with all the important details of your life. This is scary to do, especially when you're someone who doesn't fit in with the normal range of things. Then again, that's the majority of people. I'm not unique in my difficulties.

Anyway, she was nice. She was respectful and paid attention to what I was saying. She listened to my concerns about various issues and seemed to understand where I want to go from here. This could have been a con, but then again, most medical people are pretty upfront about their off-putting personalities. I didn't see any of that in her. I'm glad.

Back Where I Started

So a week ago tonight, I was mentally trying to prepare myself for meeting my new doctor tomorrow. I'm weirdly not as nervous. I may be when I'm in bed and alone, but then again, maybe not. Hopefully, nothing bad will happen and I can just go in there, introduce myself, get things started, and leave. Honestly, that is kind of the best possible way this can happen.

I really hate going to the doctor. I know I'm not alone in this.

I'm still really into this idea of ridding negativity and chaos from my life. I've been staying away from social media more than usual. I'm mostly only going to places and allowing myself to focus on fuzzy animals or funny things my friends have said. Given that we're headed into an election year,  this is probably the best policy.

I don't know if it's summer or my hormones settling or what, but I just really have no tolerance for this stuff anymore. Keep your unpleasantness away from me.

A Moment of the Happies

The first thing I saw on Facebook this morning was a picture of a friend's daughter. She'd tagged me in the post because her daughter, who is in first grade now, still views the baby blanket that I knitted her as one of her favorite things. In the picture, she was sitting on the floor with the baby blanket wrapped around her like a skirt.

I'd not thought about that baby blanket in years. It was the first official thing I knitted. At the time, there was still some question as to if I could even tackle a project that big. I honestly wasn't sure, but I'd picked a very simple pattern and thought I could pull it off. When it was finished, I was pleased, but at the time, I just kept seeing all the flaws in it.

There is a deep joy in knowing that something I made gives comfort to someone else. It's neat to know that my work touched someone like that. It makes me feel very good and oddly useful.

The Peace of White Noise

The fans have come out. We have a lot of them, so it takes some effort to get them all put into their various locations.  I know that in months to come, I will grow tired of them and their noise. For now, however, I welcome it.

As I grow older and ever more sure of what I do and do not wish in my life, I find that chaos and its noise are at the top of my 'DO NOT WANT' list. I want peace. I want calm. I want problems to be met with rational, logical non-emotional responses. I also know I am not good at this. However, it is something I wish to attain and something I intend to work on.

Right now, the fans are helping with that. The fans are loud enough and consistent enough to drown out all the random outside noise. I don't hear dogs barking or cars driving by or people. I can still hear the trains, but no fan is loud enough to stop that. The lack of chaos makes me feel safe and calm and better about things.

For now, the fans are on my side.

Good Sim News

In a time when it seems like everyone is willing to screw over their customers, I have to commend Sims 4 on not doing so. It seems that the basic complaints that people have had about the game are being corrected and usually corrected for free.

One of the major problems has been a lack of space for homes. With just two neighborhoods, people were quickly running out of space. It's been an issue since the beginning but became an even larger complaint when Back to Work came out and no new 'move into it' neighborhood was included. People who wished to continue with the same families were running out of space.

Thankfully, Sims 4 decided to address this. They created a new neighborhood with lots of new lots. The best part? It's free. I'll be able to download it next Thursday.

I realize a lot of time and effort goes into making something like this. I also know that they could have easily charged money for it. In fact, had this been Sims 3, they probably would have. The thing is, the fanbase for Sims isn't as large as it used to be. To keep people interested, they're going to have to go out of their way sometimes. Showing respect for the wishes of their customers is a huge step in the right direction.

Defining Bravery

I mentioned to some friends that the Discordians were probably right about everything. The more I see how personal identity politics is dividing people online, the more I believe this to be true. It's almost as if we can't find a sense of harmony about anything. We've gotten so tribal that we grow blind to the sicknesses within. We've grown so mistrustful that we can't view anything from 'their side' with even a moment of good will.

Now we're even trying to narrowly define what concepts can mean. I think Caitlyn Jenner and the idea of what it means to be brave is a good example of this. For every person I have seen praising her for her bravery, I see five other people posting memes or writing blogs about how this isn't a brave thing. Being a soldier is brave or a cop or a fireman is brave. Not this.

The journey of being a professional and celebrated male athlete to becoming a woman has not been an easy one. How could it be? And I phrased it the way I did on purpose. This wasn't just a typical guy. This is a man who represented the height of male physical perfection. It's something few can ever attain. And in a culture that celebrates manhood, achieving this kind of perfection is a BIG DEAL.

So the idea that it wouldn't be enough for him probably baffles people. There is an intense emotional reaction to a man of THAT caliber wanting to become a woman. Some of those reactions will be masked in cruel humor. Some reactions will be bitter and angry. Some of those reactions will be of disgust. Some will come with threats of violence.

This all wraps up into how we narrowly define what it means to be a man and how much disgust and hatred is thrown towards anything viewed as 'girly.' We spend a great deal of cultural currency on telling men they shouldn't act like women. Consider even  the examples I used above. Soldiers. Cops. Firemen. Manly professions that celebrate what it means to be a man. Even the women who enter these professions have to be 'tough and strong' and exhibit all the qualities that we tend to celebrate as 'masculine' even though anyone can have them.

I'm not going to deny that running at a fire to stop it isn't brave. It's hellishly brave. Being a cop takes courage, as does being a soldier. But while these professions take courage IN THE MOMENT of when you are actively participating, the rest of the time, you're basically celebrated. Yes, there are some elements of society who don't like soldiers or cops, but even those who don't like them still reserve a certain esteem for them. So, difficult when you are performing the task, but the rest of the time? Performing a valued gender-celebrating profession is socially desirable.

To walk away from a gender-celebrating status like Athlete and say that you wish to live as a woman because you are a woman, is not something done by a coward. To go against everything that our culture teaches you, preaches to you, and constantly reinforces in you is hard. Even your own mind is telling you that women are weak, that women are lesser, that being a woman is the worst thing that you could wish to be.  To accept that you are a woman, even  though you have the cultural benefits and shielding of a man is probably a dark and scary moment.

A man who leads a very public life choosing to become a woman IS brave. Anyone who does something outside of what our culture accepts because they know it is the truth for them IS a brave person. There is some acceptance for Caitlyn, but nowhere near the number of people who now feel it is their DUTY to talk about how horrible this is and how freakish she is and how wrong it is. No, Caitlyn Jenner isn't running into a fire to save people, but unlike that firefighter, she has now crossed a line where social acceptance is marginal, at best. How can you not see that as brave?

Planning to Live

It used to be that when someone got a serious illness or disability of some kind, they would just die. These days, medician and science have made to where a serious illness is not a death sentence. This is probably the first time in history this has happened. In many ways, it's very cool. In other ways, however, new challenges are going to present themselves, especially as people grow older.

For people who have been ill for years, growing older may get scarier and darker than it would for those who are healthy. There are many reasons for this. Some ill people do not have the support system, emotional or otherwise, that many elderly need in order to maintain a decent life. They may not have people to take them to doctors, to help bring in groceries, or to even check on them.

Depending on the illness, damage and breakdown of the body may happen at a far younger age. If your condition causes you to walk and feel like you're in your 70s when you're only in your 30s, what is it going to be like when you finally hit your 70s? What will your state of mind be like? If you only had ten spoons' worth of energy when you were 25, how many will you have at 65?

Most people who are ill or in a state of disability are fairly sure it's not going away. Given that, I believe it's important to plan for the future in a realistic manner. When you're ill and in your 30s/40s, as unfun as it may be, you need to take stock of the fact that you could possibly live for a long time and how you're going to manage that. Actually, this is probably something everyone should do, but for people who are already feeling wear and tear, it's critical.

RESOURCES

What are your physical resources? And by that, I mean yours and only yours. Not ones you have access to right now from someone else. Not something you may or may not inherit. Yours. You cannot and should not base your future on anyone else, not even a spouse. They may die. They may leave. You may leave. When planning for the future, you should only consider what you bring to the table because that is all you can reasonably control.

Make a list of them and then assess how much they can actually help you . . . also, how much they may harm you. After all, owning a home is only as useful for you as you can maintain it. Just ask Edie Bouvier Beale.

PHYSICAL CAPACITY

This is going to be different for everyone, of course. Each illness or condition is going to have its own possible problems. Sure, your disease may not kill you because of your medications, but how likely are you to go blind? Will you go deaf? How likely are you to lose your ability to walk? To feed yourself? How likely are you to develop incontinence?

I think an assessment like this should always, ALWAYS play to the worst case. It may not happen, but what if it does and you weren't prepared? I think it's also important to assume your health isn't going to improve. It may and if it does, that's great. But for many people, that's a long shot.

The thing is, if you're teetering around like your grandma when you're in your 20s, you have to face the fact that this is, honestly, the best you may physically be from now on. If that's the case, what do you need to change?

MENTAL CAPACITY

I had two surgeries last year that required pain medications and anesthesia. There are whole parts of the year I just don't remember. I do mental training games to help improve it, but it's possible that part of my capacity for memory is gone. This is something I'm coming to terms with, and I know that for many people, the mental toll on their health is far more extreme than even this.

Again, like with the physical assessment, I think it's safest to assume your current state is the best it will be and that things may go downhill from here. Look up research on your meds. Meds, long term, may cause issues to your mental condition. If they can, assume they will.

EMOTIONAL CAPACITY

I think for a lot of people, this is a big one. If you've ever been around older people, you know that the emotional conditions can get pretty scary. It's understandable. You're on the downhill stretch to death. And for people who have been ill or broken for a while now, you know this slide never gets any easier.

What can you handle now? Do you freak out when you get a flat tire? Are you in tears when something about your usual day goes wrong? Do you write five blog posts about having to change doctors (yes, that's me)? If so, you need to realize that the spoons you have for handling the emotional aspects of your life are very few. As you grow older, there will be even less.


MAKING A PLAN

Once you have the assessment of where things will be headed for you, it's time to start making plans to put yourself in the best position you can. For people who own homes, consider if the home is too big for you to maintain. And even if it's small, will you have the physical, emotional, and mental resources to handle the damage that life will do to the home over the years?

There are other things to consider as well. Do you live in a place where your medical needs are easily met? Do you have to drive distances to see your doctors or specialists? Will you be able to make that drive in 20 years? Or even in ten?

My best guess is that for a lot of people with chronic illness or disabilities, finding a safe and decent old age facility is going to be the best answer. I know a lot of people have issues with retirement homes/rest homes, and with good reason. However, there are worse alternatives. And look at what you may gain:

• There will be a lot of other people there. Yes, a lot of ill people find this terrifying. I spent a few years being basically a shut-in, so I understand. However, other people around you provide your mind with stimulation. You might hate the old lady across the hall, but annoyance at someone is better than feeling nothing. And many ill people lose touch with their friends and family, if they ever had that at all. Others make friends with other ill people, who often die before they do.
• There will be activities. I think this one is vital. When you have very few spoons to work with, doing things for fun become low priority. Holidays may become nonexistent. However, in a place that provides both without you having to lift a finger, it becomes easier to participate. 
• Someone else handles the day to day work. There are cooks. There are people who clean. There are people who handle security. There are people who fix stuff when stuff breaks. All of the things that are possibly causing your stress now will be taken care of by someone else. 

And yes, I know there are expenses to keep in mind. And yes, I know it sounds invasive and terrifying. For many people who aren't yet old, it may even seem like a depressing future to consider. However, it's better to make this assessment and start planning now, while you have time to put things into motion, than to wait until you're more ill and the decisions are taken out of your hands. 

Doctor Stuff

I received a letter from my doctor discussing the place she'd be from now on. It's out of town and she'll only be there on Fridays. This is annoying, but in some ways, I'm actually happy. It's the first bit of documented information I've gotten from her. Seeing her in another town and only on Friday doesn't really work that well for me though. What if I break a leg on a Tuesday?

With that in mind, I'll be seeing a new doctor on Wednesday. Like a responsible person, I drove down there to get the paperwork. Like an irresponsible person, somehow this paperwork didn't make it inside the house. I could have sworn that I put it in my purse, but when I went to look for it, I did not find it. I'll look in the car tomorrow.

I wish I was less nervous about this. I loathe meeting a new physician though. There's all the assumptions and awkwardness for both of us. There are attempts to establish trust and the very narrow amount I really have for anyone. I know my whole theme this year has been about being brave, but I have to admit this is testing my limits. I didn't need this. I certainly don't want this. I'm going to do it, yes, but emotionally, it isn't easy.