It's Never Enough

Before I get into this, I would like to state I am so very grateful for the love and support I've been given in my life. It means so much to me, it truly does. This isn't so much about anyone else as it is how I feel about myself.

I was reading this article the other day about a woman who talked about how, in high school, a boy told her she was ugly and for the next 20 years, she believed that. It's possible, even though she claims she doesn't, that she still believes it. And while it seems so small and trivial that something like that could alter not only the way you view yourself but also how you function, the sad truth is, we all know this happens. It happens to a lot of us.

For me, it's not so much about having to prove that I'm pretty. That's so far down the line of fuckery that it doesn't even register most of the time. For me, it's about proving that I have a right to be here. When I was a kid, my mother constantly reminded me that I wasn't a wanted baby. She told me how I ruined her plans and caused nothing but inconvenience for her. It set me up in this cycle of feeling like I had to fix things to prove my worth. It also set me up in a cycle of always failing at that.

So here I am, in my forties, and on the dark days, I still feel that way. I feel like the things I offer aren't enough. I feel like the things I can manage to scrape together aren't enough. I feel like there is always the cloud over me that I should DO MORE and BE MORE and that it isn't enough that I'm just me. And the thing is, I bet if the people who think I need to give more and be more knew how strung out and drained I feel most of the time, they wouldn't believe it. "Surely she's just holding out. She can really do more if she tries."

It's like how I would come to visit my grandmother and no matter what else we discussed, it would always come back to my weight or my finances or one of the many other things I was failing to do. It's like there couldn't be any time where I could just have peace. Lose weight. Get a better job. Handle money better. Be more fun. Get a better education. Fix the things. Fix the things. Fix the things.

Maybe no one sees this from my perspective. I have a lot of issues, so I need a lot of help with things. And to those people, I'm sure I come off as the demanding one. I come off as the one causing all the trouble and causing all the problems. Because, of course, I would. Because I will never be enough. I'll never be really worthy. That's how I will always be viewed and I can't change that.

If I had to do it all over again, when I met people, I would just tell them right off how I won't be able to make their lives better and I won't be able to help them with anything and I won't ever, ever, ever be part of a solution to any problem and all I will do is cause them inconvenience. That way they just could have nodded and gone on to the next person. And for those who feel I'm not giving them enough now, please, I beg you, but all means, go find someone else to make you happy because it will not be me. It will never be me. I will never be enough.