Love, Passion, and Pitfalls

I think if the Ashley Madison hack has taught us anything, it's that Checkmark Love never works. I've written about this before, but if you're new to the blog, Checkmark Love is when you have a mental (or sometimes physical) list of what you believe you need to have in a lover. Instead of just letting yourself be open into truly falling in love with someone, you include or exclude people as dating potential depending on how close they are to conforming with your list of qualities. When you finally settle down, it is with the person who has the most check marks off of that list.

The problem is, you don't really LOVE a person when they're just chosen by Checkmark Love. They fit your criteria and you accept the rest about them. It's rational. You may feel some lust, especially if they conform to how you deep someone should look when they are sexually exciting. There is no mind-bending passion or feeling of life-affirming happiness, but you assume that's all just hokum anyway.

Love isn't rational though. Love just is. How and why it happens is a mystery. When you truly fall in love with someone, it alters you. Their flaws, their problems, even all the many, many ways they would never fit on your checklist do not matter. You love them and that is the important thing. You love them, and that is the ONLY thing. It doesn't change. Even if you lose them, that love does not change. You never fall out of love with someone you truly love. You just accept that you cannot be with them anymore.

Most importantly, especially when it comes to adultery. when you truly love someone, they are enough. That doesn't mean you won't occasionally stray from them. What it means is that the straying will just be physical. You won't spend hours talking to someone else online or chatting up random people on your phone. When you really love someone, you want to spend your time with them. You focus on them because they, truly, make you happy.

With Checkmark Love though, you're probably always going to stray. How could you not? Even someone who meets 99% of what you want still isn't perfect. You're always going to be wondering if there is someone out there who is closer to your ideal. You'll always be looking and you'll always feel there is justification for that because your Checkmark Love just never really feels quite right.

I'm sure some people are shocked I would even write this. Some people might be assuming I'm being overly romantic or viewing this in simplistic terms. Perhaps I am. And if you feel that way, it's fine.

From my perspective, if you're not truly in love with the person you're with, if you're constantly looking for someone else and checking to see what else is out there, end the relationship. If you're not satisfied with the person in your life, stop torturing them and yourself. Move on. Find someone you truly love. Find someone who truly makes you happy. Stop blaming other people because they're not who you want them to be and find a person who is.