I think the sun was just kind of a vague suggestion today. I'm not sure I ever really saw it peek out past the overcast skies. I am still deeply depressed. I would say the meds aren't helping, but I know they are. Sometimes all meds can do is take the edge off.
Normally on Mondays I go to therapy, but that was canceled. The reason it was canceled was valid, but it didn't make not going any easier. I consoled myself that it would give me some time to prepare for a trip that was to happen tomorrow, but that got canceled too. Again, there were valid reasons for it, but it kept my somber mood somber.
Sinead was still ranting on Facebook this morning. I wish someone would love her enough to talk her out of doing that. Then again, maybe not. It's possible that screaming her pain into the Void was the only thing that kept her alive. At the moment, she's probably not all that happy about still being here. One of the things that depression whisper to you is that sometimes you've lived for too long.
I don't think enough attention is given to adult suicide. We talk a lot about it with teenagers, and I'm not saying we shouldn't. Teen suicide is a huge problem. But one of the reasons why people think it's so tragic and one of the things they always tell kids who are considering ending their lives is that they have so much to look forward to, so much to live for.
The same can't be said for adults, especially as years pass and pass, with little to no improvement in their situations. In their 20s and even in their 30s, there is there is still the possibility of things turning around. Sinead is 48. By the time you reach your 40s, the chances of things getting better are narrowing. The chances of things getting worse, perhaps even much worse, loom in front of you. The options are less. The chances of the self-destructive patterns changing are significantly less. There is more pain, more sorrow, more disappointment, and more pieces of you that have broken away.
As people age, what is the conversation about why they should stay alive? For their careers? The chances of careers may be over. For their families? Families may have died off. Families may consist of awful people. Families may have never happened. For their friends? Even if the suicidal person has friends, they may feel that they're burdening that friendship if their lives continue. And the really horrible shitty part is that this may very well be true. People say suicide is selfish, but as you age, you have to question if it's more selfish to end things or more selfish to continue, especially if you know your life is holding other people back.
When Robin Williams committed suicide, so many people were heartbroken about it. I get that. I was too. People loved him and many wondered why having adoring fans wasn't enough. I saw some of the people posting comments like that on Sinead's page. "I love you and I love your music. We all do. Live for that." The thing is, that isn't enough. That isn't real. It won't put food on her table or straighten out the mess that is her life. It won't end her pain. It's a nice idea, but it isn't enough to live for.
As we age, many of us will become less significant to the people around us. Their lives will be busy with other things, other people. If we can find other ways to entertain ourselves and other ways to occupy our time, then we can keep ourselves going, sometimes even despite the pain and hurt and loss that feels like it stretches out endlessly. The problem is, you have to be in a pretty decent state of mind to find things to entertain you or occupy you.
Seriously. Depression in adults needs some serious consideration.
No comments:
Post a Comment