Original Things

My roommate and I were talking the other day about some program he'd seen and he mentioned he would have actually liked it a lot more had it been an original story and not some bad imitation of a an already established genre. I found myself in agreement because that seems to be the case with a lot of things lately. Too much of what is presented to us for entertainment is, basically,  the same stories we've already been told.

Someone asked me if I was excited about seeing Deadpool. I'm not. It isn't that I don't like Deadpool. I do. I'm just not into watching another origin story about another comic book character. I used to find comic book characters being shown in other media to be amusing, but I'm starting to get sick of it. Tell new stories. Give us new characters. Do we really need DC characters in several different stations?

I think it's time, past time really, for original stories to be told again. And yes, I realize that most stories have tropes and elements of older stories, but it doesn't have to be THE same characters every time. Why do they have to turn Shaggy into a hipster for a new Scooby Doo comic book? Why not write about some hipster going about his hipstery adventures without trying to shoehorn Shaggy into it?

I wish we'd all have a little more faith in our own ability to weave a good tale.

The Small Win

I walked into the living room earlier and felt just this relief at how cleared out things looked. With all of my projects and bags off of the floor and the extra computer desk no longer by the couch, the room just feels so much bigger. It's so nice when things like this can happen.

I may screw up a lot of things, but my gift requests this year are the exception to that. Even without technically being any cleaner, the living room feels so much better. It's nice to have a designated place for everything. It was certainly something that needed to happen.

I'm complimenting myself here because I kind of need the win. I've been super anxious lately. I know it's just my mental stuff, but it doesn't make it any easier. I found myself wondering today if all adults were as terrified as I am. Adulthood sucks. I know some people find perks with it, but I really don't.

Oh well. At least I can request smart gifts.

Barbie Got Back

So there are now four sizes for Barbie dolls. The usual version, I guess we can call that one Barbie Prime, Petite Barbie, Tall Barbie, and Curvy Barbie. Barbies also come in a wide variety of skin/hair color choices and hair textures. At the moment, because the packaging is going to be complicated. You have to purchase all four dolls as a set, which I guess solves one of the problems I had with this in the beginning. "Here, little fat girl! You don't deserve a skinny Barbie! You have to have the fat Barbie!"

The online thing could cause problems for the same reason Pizza Hut currently causes problems. Pizza Hut has so many freaking choices that it makes ordering a pizza take like 20 minutes. There are like ten things you have to decide on with every aspect of it. I think Pizza Hut's variety thing made people avoid it more than anything.

Beyond that, I take issue with this sort of Barbie collective thing. And yes, I know that's coming from someone who calls herself BlackHairedBarbie. The name works, though, because it plays off the traditional brand of the blonde, beautiful, and socially compliant Barbie. You know, the opposite of me. That brand, for better or worse, IS what we think of when we think of Barbie and in our modern society, branding is important. We can't ALL be Barbie and we shouldn't be.

If they have to make other dolls, why can't they all have other names? Why can't Tall Barbie be Faith and Petite Barbie be Emily? Why can't Curvy Barbie be Sophie (or any name that isn't Lulu or Bertha or something else we associate with fat women)? Why can't the Barbies of Color have their own names and their own histories? Why can't we add to the Barbie culture instead of just making everyone Barbie? Barbie used to have friends. PJ and . . . well, there was Skipper. I think she had more. I don't remember. It was a long time ago.

Do I think this is a good idea? I honestly don't know. I did like my dark haired dolls better and I would find ways to make the blonde ones have dark hair when I didn't have brunettes. I would leave the ones with the 'bitchier' faces blonde, though. They were the villains. Is that a good thing? Who knows? I don't hate blondes as an adult and I certainly don't try to look like Barbie.

Kids always play with toys in their own way. Some kids may make Curvy Barbie the mom or the maid. Even some of the heavier kids may do this because when you're a fat kid, you're weirdly taught to view other fat kids as your enemies. I have no idea why that even is, but it's always been the case. The kid that hated me the most in elementary school was a fat boy named James. He hated me because everyone would tease him  that I would be his wife. Fat boy marries the fat girl. Just like we teach women to internalize misogyny, we teach a lot of fat kids to internalize fat hatred.

I think I'm off topic now. Maybe I can console myself by purchasing a blue haired fat Barbie.

Grrr

Every day I read another story about horrible things happening to women based on the fact that they are women. Every day I read about women being terrorized online because they are women. These women usually commit no crimes beyond maybe having an opinion or daring to just act like any other human would. It seems that even that is too much for some people.

I hate that gender exists. I wish it didn't. I wish we were all just neutral creatures, or at least in some way capable of disguising what gender we have. It rarely does anything good for anyone, and the small benefits one receives as a woman are usually outweighed by the damaging aspects.

If some genie came along and told me I could have one wish, it would be that all women were given a shield around them that kept anyone they didn't want near them away. If someone was threatening them, it would just dissolve that person into nothingness. The shield would heal them when they were ill and remove pregnancy if they didn't wish to be pregnant. That way, no one could rape us, no one could harm us, no one could beat us, and no one could try and control when we had children.

It sucks that we don't have that already.

New Desk

My roommate and I have collectively been sick since Christmas so my new desk only got put together today. My roommate did the majority of it. I mostly just held things steady for him. In the end, I have a new desk and things have been shifted around in the living room. We have more space and it's quite nice.

I like the new desk so far. It sits higher than the last one did because it's on wheels instead of slides. Of course, if the wheels begin to cause problems, it may very well end UP on slides. We shall see.

It's lighter in color than my last one. I didn't think I was going to like that, but I'm finding that I do. It feels cleaner. I also like the rounded front edge of the desk. Oh, and I like the fact that it doesn't have rough places!

The only thing I find sketchy is the slide out place for the mouse. It's not very sturdy and it seems to be too far out for comfort. I think that will get used as just extra sorting space, if, indeed, I use it at all.

Anyway, overall, I am happy with the changes to my area of the room. I made good choices for my Christmas gifts.

The Quiet Process

I asked a friend how she was doing and she told me she'd  had a very bad day but didn't wish to talk about it. I said I understood and didn't press her on the matter. If she didn't want to talk about it, I certainly wasn't going to try and make her.

One of the things we've been exploring in therapy is the idea that emotions are just part of life and should be expressed when they happen. This isn't an excuse for people to act like bastards. If you're angry, feel your anger and understand it, but don't scream at someone who isn't involved. If you're sad, be sad, but don't expect the world to stop for you.

At the same time, it should be okay socially, even with close friends,  to be able to NOT share the reasons for your feelings. And why is this? Well, mostly because all too often, people use this as a way to try and sidetrack you from what you're feeling. "Oh, you feel bad? Tell me why! We can solve it! We'll solve it right now so that you're okay again!"

No. Just no. That isn't healthy. If someone else is having a bad day, let them have it. If they feel bad, sure, show them some comfort, but don't keep pressing them until they tell you what's happening, even though they didn't want to. Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do for someone is just give them space so they can work through their emotions. They know you're there and that is comfort enough.

I think it's important to remember that other people aren't our projects. They're their own projects to whatever degree they wish to be. Sometimes they will need a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes  they just need to know that someone else cares. I think all of us need moments when we just let the emotions fill us and do whatever they need to do. Sometimes just letting that happen is resolution enough.

Art Yes Art

My best friend I were talking about a later album of an artist we both love. She said she was slowly making her way through the album and mentioned that she knew I didn't care for it. And I really don't. Now, with this artist, there may come a point where I am just in the proper frame of mind and when I listen to that album, I may finally love it to pieces. For right now, though, the album and I are not close.

My friend said that she still respected the artist and respected the fact that this was the album she felt she needed to make. I agreed and said that it didn't change my love for her. It just wasn't to my taste at the moment. I knew it was what she wanted to do and I respected her for it.

A while later, I was reading some of the annotations on Grimes' album and noticed that she's had a lot of problems with indie fans. While they were accepting of her at first, as her sound has changed, some have become hostile to what she's doing.

This is one of the problems with being an indie artist. Even though you choose NOT to go the popular route because it can be very limiting, there is an element of indie fans that also try to limit what qualifies as indie sound. And they really shouldn't. The truth is, artists are allowed to make whatever they want. We don't have to like it, but we certainly don't have the right to tell them not to make it.

There is a lot of art out there that offends me. There is a lot of art out there that I disagree with and don't want in my life. And far, far more than that, there is art that bores the shit out of me Interestingly,  a lot of that is trying as hard as it CAN to be offensive and edgy and problematic. It just does it in the most predictable way possible.

However, an artist is not under any obligation to please me. Artists are only there to do what art they feel compelled to do. I firmly believe that and also firmly believe that if that is lost, our world really can't progress. And yes, I get that a lot of mean spirited people produce a lot of hateful and horrible things. The thing, I would rather them produce it and show it to the world. That way I can know to stay away from them.

The Ugly and Unapproachable

I started listening to Art Angels by Grimes last night and I'm now obsessing over it. Okay, I am usually obsessing over music. I've been obsessing over Hamilton for a while now, but Art Angels is the new obsession. I know it's deep in my veins too because when I woke up this morning, all I wanted to do was start listening to the album again.

One of the things I love about it is that it has a lot of pop elements that have been turned on their heads. Much of the album is a bit unapproachable and sometimes, it truly is downright ugly. The thing is, to me, that makes it feel even more real.  The really great thing is that even in the moments where it feels the most out there, it can pull in these beautiful moments. Sometimes just a second or two, a perfect note that just makes your soul FEEL so much. Ahh, it's glorious.

To me, that is always the most wonderful thing about the ugly and the unapproachable. Beauty and perfection can get so boring. After all, if you highlight everything, you highlight nothing. When there is a contrast to something else, the blips of the beautiful become so pronounced. In that way, the imperfection becomes the proper compliment to the beauty and helps it to transcend. This album does that so well.

This is a great find for me, a good day because of the music. I am happy.

Frugality vs Greed

I was sorting my bills for next month today and happened to notice there was an extra letter in my gas bill. Turns out the gas company is going to ask the state to raise everyone's rates. It isn't for repairs or because they're operating at a loss. Oh no, they want more money because while they did make a profit last year, it wasn't as high as the profit they wanted to make. To compensate for that, they want to charge everyone else extra.

So . . . when people complain about their winter bills being too high, they are told to handle the problem themselves. The tone of this is usually one of condescending shame, as if people are just leaving the heat on all day and wandering around the house in shorts or something. Rarely is this actually the case. I can tell you it has never been for me.

To keep our bills down, my household and many, many others, have resorted to using the bare minimum of heat. The heat is turned on just enough to keep the chill at bay. The house rarely gets out of the 60s. We sit with blankets wrapped around us. We wear layers and layers of clothing. We time meals to where the heat from the stove can be used for warmth as well as cooking. We do everything we can to keep this bill as low as possible.

And yet, despite our best efforts (and those of many others), in the end, our rates will go up anyway because the company isn't making enough money. Oh, it's making enough to stay in business, handle its projects, pay its workers, and justify its existence, but not enough to please shareholders.

So next year, we'll probably be forced to use even less heat. We'll accept that the house has to stay just a little bit colder. We'll pile on more blankets and do our best to handle daily tasks with gloves. Our rates will go up and people will still blame us, believing that it has to be the irresponsibility of the consumers that cause this. They will never think that it's due to the fact that some shareholder wants to by another ivory backscratcher. No, no. How could it ever be that?

Eye Issues

My eyes continue to be screwed up. I know it's just the continued after effect of the nasty thing that happened to them the other day, but it still isn't fun. It's annoying me to no end and I'm tired of straining to see everything. Something has to give here. I know my eyes are better than this. I just got them checked.

Anyway, that put a damper on my day. We went shopping so at least things will be hopefully quiet for the weekend. I'm kind of depressed about the ongoing eye annoyances and don't feel like writing much. Maybe tomorrow.

Odd News

I received a letter from my cancer doctor. He's going to retire next month and gave assurances that he would transition all of his patients to someone else. I'm happy about that part, kind of. It's good that I'm not left hanging in the wind and trying to find another oncologist on my own. On the other hand, this means yet ANOTHER person will be looking at my naked body. SO glad I have the panic meds.

That's a problem for Future Me though. Current Me is mostly just weirded out that I'll never see the man who saved my life again. And yes, I do believe that he saved my life. As you know, my situation was complicated due to my size but he was experienced and brave enough to take my case. All of the cancer and Potential Spots of Festering Cancer were removed. I will be grateful to this man until the day I actually do die.

And think about it . . . anyone who ever falls in love with me, anyone who is inflenced by me, anyone who is inspired by me from now on, that owe that to this man, a man they will never meet. Kinda cool, huh?

So anyway, I don't know how I feel about this yet. I guess I'll be in mourning for a while.

Battered and Budgets

I know you're getting sick of reading this, but yes, eating is still a painful thing. I had some peanuts. They were easier and the salt helped my throat. Well, okay, it's helping to cure it in the animal skin sense. I'll take what I can get. Therapy was canceled today and that's probably a good thing because I really did not feel up to going. I feel like a rag doll that someone tied to the back of a truck.

Therapy has been on my mind a lot today. Because my state is run by brain-dead howler monkeys, our budget is severely screwed up. It's possible they may cut funding for mental health programs, including private practices. A lot of the therapists in the state depend on this program to keep their businesses going. This could harm a lot of people.

Honestly, there should be a state law that if the government leaders screw up the budget, their pay should be the first thing that's cut. That seems fair. After all, they're the ones who did this.

Update of Sorts

I'm having a lot of trouble eating right now. My teeth and the back of my mouth are tender and cause a slight level of nausea whenever I swallow anything. It isn't as painful as how it was to swallow two days ago. This is just a very weird sensation. Hopefully, it will go away soon.

I feel like I've left the level of Sick Hell I was in, but only enough to reach a slightly less awful one. I'm still nowhere near well. As I said last night, I'm getting really tired of it too.

I didn't do anything productive today. I really couldn't though. Maybe in a few days, things will be better.

Drained and Dreading

I had a slightly better appetite today. This was both good and bad. It was good because I really honestly did need to be eating and tasting my food better. Bad because it still hurts to eat. My throat, teeth, and ears are all making food a bit torturous.  The problem with getting over any kind of illness is that even during recovery, you still have to deal with the damage it's done to you.

The meds should start working soon. This is the most hell I've felt like in a long time. Even though I got better during Christmas, I've technically been sick, off and on, since a couple of weeks before Christmas. I don't believe it's been the same, continuous thing. It's been a series of little annoying sicknesses. However, all of it is starting to take a pretty serious dip into my supply of spoons.

When you're sick like this, sleeping isn't exactly your friend because there are too many elements you can't really control, like how you're breathing or what level of humidity is happening. I've been waking up feeling horrible. Usually after just ten minutes or so of being able to control what's going on, I feel far better.  The waking up bit can be so painful and scary that I've started dreading sleep. I know I shouldn't, but the lack of control is getting to me.

Anyway, I'll do my best to rest up tomorrow. The next three days after that will be busy and tiring. Hopefully by the time they happen, I'll feel better and can manage to push through them.

Art for Your Sake

I was watching Top Chef tonight and one of the contestants was bemoaning the fact that he was being ignored. On a contest, being ignored isn't really a good thing, but the only way to change it is to keep challenging yourself. Sometimes the people who end up winning these contests never win individual challenges.  However, because they keep their head in the game and focus on their work, on their goals, and on the joy of what they're doing, they triumph. Even though they may have been overlooked during the challenges, they don't fall into the toxic trap of needing someone else's approval.

One of the things I accepted when I started doing yarn work was that most of the time, other people weren't going to care. Now mind you, they've cared more often that I thought they would. I've had people really love the things I do. People have given me glowing praises and, in the case of my roommate, I've been able to have some pretty deep conversations about what I'm doing.

However, in order to keep my mind in a healthy place about my work, I decided that as I pursued this hobby, the creation itself would be my reward. And yes, as you have read from time to time, that act of creation is also often my annoyance. In the end, I make things I enjoy and get use out of. Some of them are truly beautiful. Some of them are wonky little things. All of them were something I produced and I'm happy with that.

Why did I make the decision to view my work this way? Because needing praise from other people about what you do can become such a pit of despair. Time and time again, I see people walk away from hobbies they really seem to love because 'no one is noticing.' In a way, I get that. Being appreciated for the things you work on feels nice. But a hobby should never EVER be there so that you can get recognition from others. It should be about you and the contentment you find in the hobby. It should be about discovering new things, improving your technique, and just loving the moments when you're creating something. To place the foundation of how much you gain from a hobby on whether or not people find it pleasing is to set yourself up for disappointment.

And really, it's also removing one of the truly beneficial aspects OF a hobby. Hobbies are soothing and wonderful ways to spend time alone. They allow you to focus on your own thoughts, on the sound of your counting, on the ability of your hands. A hobby is a conversation you have with yourself. It's a challenge you give yourself. With hobbies, we can learn so much more about what we're capable of.

If you're working on something you love, work on it, even if no one else notices it. This is about you and what you can accomplish. Being creative is a beautiful and healing thing. Don't allow the toxic need for recognition to poison it for you.

Verdict of the Sickness

Turns out my throat is covered in nasty blisters. She said it was one of the roughest looking throats she's seen all season. Um. Thank you? Anyway, at least I have some plan for getting past this mess. I'll be on meds for a while. Not looking forward to it, but whatchagonnado?

They had to take blood, but it didn't hurt much. One great thing about the new clinic is that the blood-extractor is very good at his job. After that horrible experience when woo-woo was removed, any time I can have blood removed in an easy manner, I am happy.


Like everyone else, I'm pretty devastated by Alan Rickman's death. I loved this man's acting. He just brought so much to everything he did. He will be missed. Like with Bowie, it was cancer. They were also the same age. This has been a rough week for our collective culture.

Doctor Tomorrow

I managed to get the clothes folded today. My room is more organized and this is a good thing. It's also a good thing that I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. My throat is a painful mess. I'm hoping maybe something can be done about that. I'm rather annoyed with not being able to eat anything without it hurting.

People are still posting things about David Bowie. I suspect they will for a while. This was shocking and it hurt a lot of people. It will take us all some time to come to terms with it.

Life Struggles

I put some S hooks on my shelf today. Much thanks to my roommate for adjusting them for me. The suckers didn't want to open. It gives me some more options for hanging things. The shelf is still a work in progress. I'm not sure where I want everything, but so far, it seems to be working okay.

I decided on the S hooks because the hanging system I had (using metal binders) just wasn't really working that well. I needed something that would hold things in place without constantly falling. Actually, that's sort of one of my life struggles . . .

Anyway, the stuff is hanging like I wanted. Tomorrow after we take out the trash, I'm going to put my laundry away. I also need to bathe for my doctor's appointment on Thursday. The rest of the week is going to be tiring.

Bowie Moments

David Bowie is dead. This is a very sad thing for me and millions of other people. While I wasn't a person in his life, he was certainly a factor in mine. In fact,  he wasn't just an influence in my life, he was an influence in the lives of so many people I also adore. David Bowie made a huge impact on me. Doc Hammer said he wouldn't be the person he is today if there had never been a David Bowie. I feel the same way.

Learning the work of an artist, especially a prolific artist who is older than you, is a kind of round-about process. A lot of my earliest memories are faded. I know, from conversations we had when I was older, that my mom owned Bowie albums, but I don't remember her playing them the way I remember her playing Queen or Fleetwood Mac. I also remember looking at the cover of Jimi Hendrix's Are you Experienced and being kind of in awe and a little scared. I was like three though and didn't understand about camera distortion.

I heard Bowie's songs off and on over the years, but it wasn't until MTV and "Blue Jean" that things really changed for me. I remember how the station made a BIG DEAL about a new David Bowie video. One of the things about "Blue Jean" that stood out to me is how, unlike so many other male artists at the time, Bowie kept the gaze on himself. The girl in the video is watching HIM. She looks bored and imperious. She isn't trying to seduce. That is all on him (and on the other character he's also playing). I found that refreshing and intriguing.

One of my next impressions, near to that same time, was when the Eurythmics were hosting MTV for a couple of hours and playing their favorite videos(that was a thing that used to happen). Annie Lennox played "China Girl" and mentioned that she thought it was deeply sexy. Everyone was kind of afraid of Annie Lennox at the time, so we probably assumed she meant all the tossing of noodles and barbed wire. More than likely, it was the purry way he was singing, the love making on the beach, and the bass. Oh, the BASS on that song!

This was all when I was about 11. Admittedly, I wasn't ready to truly love Bowie yet, even though many of the bands I did love spoke respectfully of him. That would take some years later and more maturity. Still, I will always love those first impressions. And Sarah will always be a fool for choosing her brother over the Goblin King.

Still Sick

Ughh. I'm still sick. I had trouble swallowing all day. I basically couldn't even eat my dinner because it was tasting off to me. I know it's just my sinuses playing tricks on me. That didn't make it any easier to eat . At least I don't have therapy tomorrow. Even better, I'm headed to the doctor on Thursday. If I'm still down with the sickness, maybe I can get something potent for it.

In the meantime, I'll just do what I can to keep from letting this screw up my life.

Sickness

I really loath having sinus infections. My ears feel raw inside and my throat is swollen. The later it gets in the day, the more trouble I have with swallowing. This is making sleep kind of complicated. I really hope it settles down soon.

We're dropping into the teens tonight for the first time this winter. I would love it to be the only time this happens, but I doubt I'll get my way. We didn't get any snow today, but towns around us did. I'm glad I have more blankets on the bed now. When I redid things in there, more blankets were part of what happened.

There are a lot of topics I have considered writing about, but I've stopped myself. There is a lot of violence happening to women, specifically because they are women, and very little justice is being done. Not that it really makes a difference. Justice never makes the pain go away. It can't. The only thing that would really help would be for us to teach people to keep their hands to themselves. I suppose that's too much to ask.

I hope I heal from the illness soon. It's really starting to drain me.

Accomplishments

First of all, my blog is five years old now. As I say every year (and think every time I write a post), I am in awe that this continues. The thing is, I'm finally to the point where I don't think the blog will go away. It's very much a part of me now.

Second of all, my new bookshelf is up. All of the things that were disorganized in my personal space in the living room now have organization and I am so deeply happy for that. All of the stuff is off the floor! It's such a glorious feeling. Shout out to the roomie for helping me with the project.

I also got some stuff organized in my bedroom. It was as tiring as humanly possible, but it did happen. My head is stuffy right now and that didn't help any. I'm hoping I get some better sleep tonight.

Anyway, new organized area and five year old blog. Yay!

The Opposite of Ambient Noise

One nice thing about the winter months is that the fans are no longer in use. This creates wonderful moments of stillness and silence in the house. As I grow older, I have come to love the quiet. I find silence to be a beautiful thing. Of course, cats have a charming way of ruining that.

It isn't that the cats aren't loud during the summer. They're always loud. In the winter, without the noise from the fans, their howling, running, and hellraising disrupts any chances of peaceful nights of sleep. I love the cats, but this gets really old.

I do my best to ignore them. I do keep one fan running at night. If that fails, I try to coax the cat into bed so I can pet it enough to get it back to sleep. If that fails (which it usually does), I do my best to just cover my ears. I know their noises. I know when they're in pain and when they're just howling to be howling. Pain is rare for them. Howling seems to be their basic religion.

Maybe they'll be quiet tonight.

Perceptions and Common Sense

One of the interesting (and kind of sad) things about listening to Hamilton is how early it was that we became divided into factions. Sure, during the Revolution, most of our Forefathers were on the same side, but once we got down to the business of really running the government, things began to fracture.

It hasn't changed either. If anything, the obsession with personal identity politics has made it worse. People view life and politics and the direction of the country in terms of political bias. Things that seem like 'common sense' to one side look insane to the other. The President called for stricter gun regulations while a militia group (or several of them) have taken over a bird sanctuary. People who support the president see his actions as justified and point to the crazies at the sanctuary as a good example of why. People who do not support the president see the militia as having good reasons, especially when the president is trying to take their guns away.

Is there a reasonable solution that would suit both groups? Probably not. That's the sad thing about how personal identity politics has overtaken reason. I'm not sure there is a way to make it better.

Bad Manners

I've been seeing these posts or videos on FB about how to handle bad manners. Most of them kind of go like this. Person A does something that they believe displays good manners. Person B ignores them. Person A gets made and does something jackass obnoxious to 'punish' Person B for not acknowledging their good manners.

Fuck Person A. Seriously.

Manners should never be dependent on someone else. You should never display good manners because someone did it first or not display them because someone didn't play alone. Showing good manners isn't a tit-for-tat thing. Either you have them or you don't. You're not 'teaching' someone to be a better person by pushing them back through a door when you held it open for them but they didn't say thank you. You're not 'schooling' them by screaming YOU'RE WELCOME when they didn't say thank you. All you're doing is showing them that you're a creepy asshole.

No one owes you good manners back, nor should you expect them. Having good manners is a personal thing, based on how much integrity you want to have. It really has nothing to do with anyone else. They don't have to pet you or play along.

The Song

My roommate's blog is five years old today. This is quite an accomplishment! He has been committed to this blog longer than a lot of people commit to higher education or marriage. His blog continues to impress me for both the quality of its information and for his narrative voice. I believe both are important.

Blogs serve different purposes. Some are for entertainment. Some are for the promotion of work. Others are for documenting the goings-on of the life and mind of the writer (as it is in my case).

My roommate blog is a testament to what it is like to live with an incurable, chronic illness. In that way, it serves many purposes. Sometimes he talks about articles related to his illness. Some articles are very scientific. Others are about people living with the illness. Sadly, many are about the stigma of it.

Sometimes his posts are more personal. He talks about his pain, his fear. He talks about how illness goes hand in hand with poverty, isolation, hopelessness.The good days are discussed as well. When one is ill and very tired, every victory is a big victory. Every solution found to a problem should be documented and celebrated.

Always, always, his blog, to me, is a song. It is a song sung out into the void. I am here. I am here. I am learning. I am thinking. I am feeling. I am scared. I have conquered that fear. I am lonely. I am growing. I struggle. I learn. I fail. I get back up. I bleed. I laugh. I am here. I am here. I am here.

I think this song is important. I think this blog is important. I am glad it continues. I hope in five years, we will be celebrating its tenth birthday.

Winter is NOT Coming for a While

The first thing I saw this morning was an announcement that GRRM had some news about when the new book would be out. And guess what? It isn't good. Sigh. Oh well, we'll probably be waiting another year or so. He has a lot of characters and a lot of ground to cover, so I guess this isn't that surprising. It was disappointing because I kind of thought it was already to the publisher by now. It's not. The first draft isn't even finished. He'll have to do that then some edits. There is no way it will be out any time soon.

This means that the show is certainly going to bypass the books. The show has changed a lot of stuff, so I don't think that, in most cases, this will cause it to be a massive spoiler of what will happen in the books. In other cases, it most certainly will spoil things. I'm not too upset about that because I have no problem with spoilers. A lot of other people may opt to not finish the show until the books are out.

Finishing the show in its own special way is better than creating massive filler arcs though. Some anime shows I used to watch would do that and it was always pretty awful. Better to just let the show go in its own direction. After all, sometimes plots work great in a book but not so well as a TV show.

Quality

For New Year's Eve, we had some very small containers of the more expensive ice creams. It was only enough to last one or two meals, but it was very, very good. Eating the small bit of better ice cream kind of inspired me about how I want to focus this year.

I want to make decisions that lead to more choices of quality. I want to make the decisions where I get the most out of my time, the most out of my money, even the most out of my calories. I want to have days I really enjoy, not just days. I want to put effort into things that really benefit me, not into things that drain me and make no difference.

Last year, I focused on making brave decisions. Instead of just trying to go gung-ho into something I would never stick with, I decided to just let being brave inform my decision-making. I think that's how I will work this, as it seemed to have had more of an impact on me. That's what I'll try to do this time. I'll be mindful about choosing the option that has the higher quality. I may not always have a choice at all, but when I do, that will be how I weigh my decision.