A Story of Epic Laziness

Once upon a time, there was a lazy woman who wanted some soup. She was too lazy to make her own soup and too lazy to even cook the can of soup in the microwave. Instead, she sat in front of her computer with her can of soup, smugly happy that it had a pull tab.

Alas, disaster struck! When she pulled at the tab, it broke away in her fingers, leaving her can of soup closed off from her enjoyment! The lazy woman despaired! What was she to do? She needed her soup! Well, she actually didn't NEED it. She wanted it though.

She could have gone into the kitchen and gotten a can-opener. This is probably the logical thing most people would do. However, it needs to be remembered that the woman was lazy. Walking into the kitchen for anything would violate this code of laziness by which she seemed to live. She had to find a way to work within the code.

"Hmm," muttered the woman to herself (or perhaps to a cat who didn't care). "I am not willing to walk into a kitchen, but what AM I willing to do movementwise that will get me into this can of soupy goodness?"

The lazy woman realized she was willing to move her hands and perhaps even her eyes. With this knowledge, she did what she usually did. She Googled how to open a can of soup when the tab is broken.

Several of the options weren't open to her, as they involved knives. The lazy woman wasn't against knives or violence, but she was against getting up and finding a knife. After all, if she went that far, she might as well just get the can-opener. She was also against bleeding her blood, which would more than likely happen if she tried to open a can with a blade.

One of the options involved beating open the can with a rock. Had the lazy woman been outside (or in a cave), this might have been a good method to try. However, the lazy woman made almost a religious point of being outside as little as humanly possible. Rocks were nowhere near her. This method would not work.

She was about to give up when she went to another website and saw a technique that involved opening the can with a spoon. A spoon! This was a wonderful thing because the woman had a spoon next to her. Not only that, spoons have rounded edges. The lazy woman, who was also clumsy, could still probably manage to somehow cut herself, but the odds were far lower.

With spoon in one hand and can in the other, the lazy woman rocked the tool back and forth over the thinnest part of the rim of the lid. She was careful to keep the can steady (so that it didn't fall or, worse, fall just when it opened and spill soup everywhere) and careful to keep the spoon's rocking as even as possible.

After an amount of time so slight that even the lazy woman was still willing to continue movement, the lid of the can began to open. As carefully as she could, she slid the spoon under the opened portion and opened it the rest of the way.

So finally, after a length of time (perhaps five minutes) filled with fear and woe, the woman was able to eat her can of soup. She was thankful for the internet that taught her the thing she should have known but did not know. She was thankful she had a spoon. Most of all, she was thankful she wasn't bleeding her blood from trying to open this can.

The lazy woman was also quite certain that if the zombie apcolypse ever happens, she might last perhaps ten minutes instead of two. All because she could open a can!