Two years ago today I found out when my appointment to Tulsa would be. This was the first appointment. The one where I met the doctor who would save my life.
Reading the post about this was difficult. At the time, I didn't know he would save my life. I didn't know my life even could be saved. I didn't know if he would agree to the surgery or if anything at all could be done. I was terrified and angry. I felt like I had absolutely no control over any of this and it was the most horrible feeling.
It was also hot and my arm was still split open from the arm surgery. I think this was one of those days when I was really at my lowest point. Probably one of those nights when I didn't sleep. Instead, I just laid there and prayed for all of this to be over with, one way or the other. I was so exhausted and defeated, I didn't even care which way it ended.
I wish I could go back in time and just give Cancer Me a hug! I wish I could just hold her and tell her things would work out for the best, after, you know, a lot of awful stress and the worst pain she would ever feel. I wish I could tell her that her that all the things mental health professionals see as negatives, like being able to disassociate and tune out of reality, would be the tools that helped her move through the moments.
Oh well. I know it now, even if I didn't know it then. Now I'm all emotional.
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