When I worked on the last baby blanket, it ended up curling on me. I found this really frustrating and disheartening, though my roommate and I both read enough to realize it was just the nature of the technique I was using. Today I read another article about it that explained in even greater detail why it happens and offered some suggestions for dealing with it, not fixing it exactly but dealing with it.
While I found the ideas about working around it to be very helpful, the point that stuck with me the most is how some people just embrace the curling. They use it as a design point, sometimes making the parts they know will curl into a different color and just letting it be what it is.
This certainly won't work for every project, but for hats and some parts of clothing, it would. I really love this idea because so often when we make things, the very nature of the fact that we're human causes small slips and broken areas. These are also the things that add uniqueness to the work. I've talked before about how these elements are often my favorites and using the curling thing as a design point really appeals to me. Someone will be getting a hat soon.
Sunday, July 31, 2016
Saturday, July 30, 2016
Happy Undies
Other than being kind of sticky, it was nice today. I took a freezing cold shower (on purpose) and had a glorious nap. Both of these things did wonders for me.
Also doing wonders for me? The new undies. Underthings for fat women, when cut in a traditional way, usually don't cover as they should. You can either cover the butt or, as people so charmingly put it, the front butt. If they roll down,they can cause cuts or irritation.
Finally, after years of needless struggle, I got undies that are long on all sides. They don't quite go to my knees, but almost. They're soft as sin and decadently comfortable. Are they sexy? Hell no, but honestly, who cares? No one is going to see me in them anyway, at least, no one who would want sexytimes with me. I'm comfortable and I know they won't cut me anywhere. This is better than all the sexytimes in the world.
Also doing wonders for me? The new undies. Underthings for fat women, when cut in a traditional way, usually don't cover as they should. You can either cover the butt or, as people so charmingly put it, the front butt. If they roll down,they can cause cuts or irritation.
Finally, after years of needless struggle, I got undies that are long on all sides. They don't quite go to my knees, but almost. They're soft as sin and decadently comfortable. Are they sexy? Hell no, but honestly, who cares? No one is going to see me in them anyway, at least, no one who would want sexytimes with me. I'm comfortable and I know they won't cut me anywhere. This is better than all the sexytimes in the world.
Friday, July 29, 2016
Summer Perspective Revisited
I decided to take a look at my blog from last year and see how I was doing. Interestingly enough, I'd done this same thing last year. So just to review, two years ago, I was around six weeks past my hysterectomy. I was deeply, deeply depressed and kind of lacking in any hope.
Last year, I was facing summer depression again, but with a better perspective on it. I knew the causes. Lack of sleep. Lack of appetite. Too many hours feeling sweaty and awful. It's difficult to feel sane when you're damp. Understanding that there were causes for the shitty way I felt helped to ease things. It didn't make the depression go away, but it helped.
It's summer again and my emotions are still all over the place. I actually had one of the more intense panic attacks that I've had in quite a while. However, aside from that, things haven't been too bad. It helps that I'm taking my meds as regular as I can, drinking a lot of water, and spending some time working on physical goals.
What is making more of a difference than anything is the fact that I've never stopped working on crafts. Normally I don't work on anything involving yarn during the summer because it's too hot. This year, I've kept my hands and mind occupied with projects. I always find this kind of stuff to be very meditative and calming for me. A few hours of doing perfectly structured rows can put me in such a better mood.
Again though, this brings back the point I was making in my post about depression last year. Finding something you can control (like working on a project) can really do a lot to ease your mind. You can't control others or their behavior. You can't control what the government or the assholes on the internet are doing. You can only control your actions and your activities. Okay, sometimes not even that, but more so than with anything else.
Anyway, that's the state of things. Emotional, but less messed up than I was last year. FAR less messed up than I was two years ago. Awesome.
Last year, I was facing summer depression again, but with a better perspective on it. I knew the causes. Lack of sleep. Lack of appetite. Too many hours feeling sweaty and awful. It's difficult to feel sane when you're damp. Understanding that there were causes for the shitty way I felt helped to ease things. It didn't make the depression go away, but it helped.
It's summer again and my emotions are still all over the place. I actually had one of the more intense panic attacks that I've had in quite a while. However, aside from that, things haven't been too bad. It helps that I'm taking my meds as regular as I can, drinking a lot of water, and spending some time working on physical goals.
What is making more of a difference than anything is the fact that I've never stopped working on crafts. Normally I don't work on anything involving yarn during the summer because it's too hot. This year, I've kept my hands and mind occupied with projects. I always find this kind of stuff to be very meditative and calming for me. A few hours of doing perfectly structured rows can put me in such a better mood.
Again though, this brings back the point I was making in my post about depression last year. Finding something you can control (like working on a project) can really do a lot to ease your mind. You can't control others or their behavior. You can't control what the government or the assholes on the internet are doing. You can only control your actions and your activities. Okay, sometimes not even that, but more so than with anything else.
Anyway, that's the state of things. Emotional, but less messed up than I was last year. FAR less messed up than I was two years ago. Awesome.
Thursday, July 28, 2016
More Broken Foundations
My roommate told me that Sesame Street is moving to HBO because, quite honestly, that's the only way to save the show at this point. Despite efforts by donors and selling toys based on characters, the level of cuts done to PBS has finally brought this show to its knees.
As a society, we seem hellbent on removing all aspects of the common good. We seem hellbent on making it to where only the rich and the privileged have access to education. I see Libertarians talking about how government shouldn't be involved in education, but if not, then how many children are they dooming to no or substandard education because their parents don't care or have agendas that involve keeping their children ignorant of certain basic facts?
Even the most neglectful of parents could still turn on the TV and put their kids in front of it to watch Sesame Street. Even if that neglectful parent never taught their kids anything before starting kindergarten, at least if they watched Sesame Street, they stood a chance of knowing their ABCs, etc.
But no more. Now that neglectful parent would have to remember to pay for HBO. Doubt that's happening.
As a society, we seem hellbent on removing all aspects of the common good. We seem hellbent on making it to where only the rich and the privileged have access to education. I see Libertarians talking about how government shouldn't be involved in education, but if not, then how many children are they dooming to no or substandard education because their parents don't care or have agendas that involve keeping their children ignorant of certain basic facts?
Even the most neglectful of parents could still turn on the TV and put their kids in front of it to watch Sesame Street. Even if that neglectful parent never taught their kids anything before starting kindergarten, at least if they watched Sesame Street, they stood a chance of knowing their ABCs, etc.
But no more. Now that neglectful parent would have to remember to pay for HBO. Doubt that's happening.
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
Nomnoms
After months and months of circus and annoyance, we have our two major party candidates for president. In a lot of ways, they're more alike than they are different. Both have flip-flopped on issues. Both are very polarizing. Both have been in the public eye for many years. I suppose that third thing has a lot to do with why the first two are true. Both are also very ambitious, but I suppose one has to be to run for president. While both of them are the choice of their parties, many within the party disliked this choice and were more vocal about it than anyone has been in years.
Either is a candidate I would have wanted. Both of them have a lot of baggage and I don't think that's a good thing for someone who is going to be president. I think a president, above all else, should be there to inspire and unite. With these two, there is so much hatred that it will make getting things accomplished very difficult.
I think it's of note that a woman has been nominated for president in my lifetime. Some people are trying to diminish this fact, but I won't. No matter how one views Clinton, or the presidency, the fact that a woman has been nominated is very uplifting. I hope one day that it isn't. I hope one day that women being nominated for things or given movie roles or book deals is just so commonplace that we don't have to feel things about it. We're not there yet. Hopefully soon.
Either is a candidate I would have wanted. Both of them have a lot of baggage and I don't think that's a good thing for someone who is going to be president. I think a president, above all else, should be there to inspire and unite. With these two, there is so much hatred that it will make getting things accomplished very difficult.
I think it's of note that a woman has been nominated for president in my lifetime. Some people are trying to diminish this fact, but I won't. No matter how one views Clinton, or the presidency, the fact that a woman has been nominated is very uplifting. I hope one day that it isn't. I hope one day that women being nominated for things or given movie roles or book deals is just so commonplace that we don't have to feel things about it. We're not there yet. Hopefully soon.
Monday, July 25, 2016
The Higher Morality of Privilege
This post is inspired by this article.
I hear it every day.
Eat clean food, as fresh as possible.
Eat raw foods. Grow your own garden. Can your own things.
Eat healthy. Don't eat fast food. Don't drink nonfiltered water.
Declutter your home. Get rid of all the things you don't need. Keep your house as clean as possible. Remove all the excess stuff. You don't need it anyway.
Understand, I have no problem with anyone who does these things. Some of my favorite people live like this and in no way do they preach it like it's some kind of moral high ground. However, outside of my personal life, many people do preach this. They believe that what and how you eat is a moral choice. How your home looks is a moral choice. What kind of car you drive and how often you drive it is a moral choice.
For them, I suppose, it is.
It isn't for all of us.
Take Friday, for instance. My roommate and I had to make several stops before going home. Shopping was awful and took longer than expected. It was hot. when we were driving by the bank, it was already 96 and by that time, we'd been out in the heat for two hours. He took in the majority of the groceries, but the ones I had to gather were a nightmare. I had to pause and sit in the laundry room just to summon enough strength to get to the kitchen and unload things.
Do you think we had the energy to cook after that? We certainly did not. Before we got home, we picked up enough cheap items at a fast food place to get us through two meals. We had some leftovers for dinner. A whole day without much meal prep and it was, for two people who are not in the best of health, as good as we could do.
On occasion, I have decluttered things, but I will never be one to live a minimalist life. I was raised by people of the Depression. I hold on to things (books, bags, plastic containers) because I know they're useful. Before throwing away anything, I look it over to decide if I can make use of it. I'm by no means a hoarder, but I'll never be someone who can easily part with things.
If someone offers me something they want to get rid of, I almost always say yes. It's how I got my iTouch. Free yarn will be the basis for half my Christmas gifts this year. I'm very grateful for the things given to me because they make a massive difference in my life. One time my brother offered me a sink and part of a counter. I knew I didn't have room for it, so I turned him down. To this day, I still wonder if I made the wrong decision. I've actually drawn out the ways I could have altered my kitchen had I taken that stupid sink.
Poor people keep things around, yes. We have the same TV we've had for like 14 years. It's not a flat screen, but it still works so we keep it. I have a cushion on my bed from a sectional that finally fell apart so completely that we had to have it hauled off. I kept the cushions, as old and tattered as they were, until they broke into nothingness. I would never get rid of a couch without keeping the cushions if they were still functional. They can always be useful.
Is all this just a rant to justify my materialism? It's okay if you want to believe that. It's fine. And for some people, who have more means, perhaps it even would be. Just so long as you keep in mind that for the poor, for the sick, for the lonely, and especially for people who may be all of this, the items in their lives are often the difference between having a small measure of comfort and despair.
I hear it every day.
Eat clean food, as fresh as possible.
Eat raw foods. Grow your own garden. Can your own things.
Eat healthy. Don't eat fast food. Don't drink nonfiltered water.
Declutter your home. Get rid of all the things you don't need. Keep your house as clean as possible. Remove all the excess stuff. You don't need it anyway.
Understand, I have no problem with anyone who does these things. Some of my favorite people live like this and in no way do they preach it like it's some kind of moral high ground. However, outside of my personal life, many people do preach this. They believe that what and how you eat is a moral choice. How your home looks is a moral choice. What kind of car you drive and how often you drive it is a moral choice.
For them, I suppose, it is.
It isn't for all of us.
Take Friday, for instance. My roommate and I had to make several stops before going home. Shopping was awful and took longer than expected. It was hot. when we were driving by the bank, it was already 96 and by that time, we'd been out in the heat for two hours. He took in the majority of the groceries, but the ones I had to gather were a nightmare. I had to pause and sit in the laundry room just to summon enough strength to get to the kitchen and unload things.
Do you think we had the energy to cook after that? We certainly did not. Before we got home, we picked up enough cheap items at a fast food place to get us through two meals. We had some leftovers for dinner. A whole day without much meal prep and it was, for two people who are not in the best of health, as good as we could do.
On occasion, I have decluttered things, but I will never be one to live a minimalist life. I was raised by people of the Depression. I hold on to things (books, bags, plastic containers) because I know they're useful. Before throwing away anything, I look it over to decide if I can make use of it. I'm by no means a hoarder, but I'll never be someone who can easily part with things.
If someone offers me something they want to get rid of, I almost always say yes. It's how I got my iTouch. Free yarn will be the basis for half my Christmas gifts this year. I'm very grateful for the things given to me because they make a massive difference in my life. One time my brother offered me a sink and part of a counter. I knew I didn't have room for it, so I turned him down. To this day, I still wonder if I made the wrong decision. I've actually drawn out the ways I could have altered my kitchen had I taken that stupid sink.
Poor people keep things around, yes. We have the same TV we've had for like 14 years. It's not a flat screen, but it still works so we keep it. I have a cushion on my bed from a sectional that finally fell apart so completely that we had to have it hauled off. I kept the cushions, as old and tattered as they were, until they broke into nothingness. I would never get rid of a couch without keeping the cushions if they were still functional. They can always be useful.
Is all this just a rant to justify my materialism? It's okay if you want to believe that. It's fine. And for some people, who have more means, perhaps it even would be. Just so long as you keep in mind that for the poor, for the sick, for the lonely, and especially for people who may be all of this, the items in their lives are often the difference between having a small measure of comfort and despair.
Sunday, July 24, 2016
End of the Weekend
I didn't do any knitting this weekend. I didn't even really look at any knitting. The hot and sticky factor was just way too high. I was doing well to just stay alive. Even with the AC on, it wasn't fun. Yes, I know I'm complaining about the weather a lot. The weather is awful and there is no end to it for a while.
I did manage to meet my meager little goals this week. Yay. I actually will be happy about that. For months, I haven't even been able to do that. This is cause for celebration.
If anything, I guess the best thing I can say about this summer is that, so far, we're keeping our spirits up. It isn't easy. Summer can be so very tiring on both of us. We have trouble sleeping and trouble eating. Half the time, one or both of us feel nausea due to the heat. There are bugs, so many damned bugs. When you're hot, you don't want to chase a wasp out of the house or dodge them as you're trying to get the car.
I saw some good movies this weekend. I have thoughts on one of them that I may discuss in time. Well, I'll do that assuming I feel well enough to do it. The heat fuzzies my brain.
I did manage to meet my meager little goals this week. Yay. I actually will be happy about that. For months, I haven't even been able to do that. This is cause for celebration.
If anything, I guess the best thing I can say about this summer is that, so far, we're keeping our spirits up. It isn't easy. Summer can be so very tiring on both of us. We have trouble sleeping and trouble eating. Half the time, one or both of us feel nausea due to the heat. There are bugs, so many damned bugs. When you're hot, you don't want to chase a wasp out of the house or dodge them as you're trying to get the car.
I saw some good movies this weekend. I have thoughts on one of them that I may discuss in time. Well, I'll do that assuming I feel well enough to do it. The heat fuzzies my brain.
Saturday, July 23, 2016
Blah
Today was hot again, though not as horrible as yesterday. It helps that I didn't have to go out in it. I tried my best to stay hydrated and cool. I ended up napping for quite a while because my sleep had been so poor last night. It's not as awful tonight so maybe sleeping will be easier.
I would love to talk about more things, but right now, it's just too hot. I hope we all find cooler days soon.
I would love to talk about more things, but right now, it's just too hot. I hope we all find cooler days soon.
Friday, July 22, 2016
More Summer Whinging
I meme I saw today summed up the way I feel so well. "It's too hot for titties." This is so true. It got past 100 today and it's horrible. We went shopping and it was horrible. When we got home and brought the stuff in, I was so dizzy from the heat I seriously thought about puking for a few minutes. I've had to change clothes twice because everything gets too sweaty. Uggh.
Anyway, yeah. Way too hot right now. Blah.
Anyway, yeah. Way too hot right now. Blah.
Thursday, July 21, 2016
Foundations Liquidated
By the end of October, all Hastings retail chains will be liquidated. I can't help but feel a little sad about that. During middle school through college, Hastings was probably my favorite store. So many of my favorite things, albums and books that shaped the person I have become, were bought there.
When I first started going to Hastings it was just an out of the way store in the mall. It was near Lane Bryant and a Chinese fast food place. It was ugly in the way that mall stores could be, just rows of cassettes, some albums, and various posters along the white walls. I didn't care. I remember picking up my first (of many) copy of Depeche Mode's Violator there. I played that tape until it broke.
When the store was more successful, it moved to one of the larger areas in the mall. It was near an entrance and had fancy shelves now. There was even the 'Hastings green' on things. It was a standard stop on our weekly trips to town. We'd go there and usually eat at El Chico's. How late 80s/early 90s is that!?
When I went to college, there was a Hastings in the larger town about half an hour from our college town. My best friend and I would go over there and just delight in the things we'd find. They had books by then and I would find a lot of art books related to the geekery I was into. I found new writers, stranger music, and learned how to do zodiac charts.
We were poor in college, so the times when we'd actually scrape together enough money to go shop at Hastings was something of a treat. I bought my holiday gifts there, because in my early 20s, that's what you did. I loved getting gifts from there.
By the time I was out of college, the stores had expanded and gotten even larger. More books, more esoteric, more music. You could find toys related to geekery and tons of comics, even independent ones. During the stress of grad school and as the disappointments of my late 20s happened, it was a refuge. It was a place where I could escape and just look at beautiful things.
Now it's closing. Admittedly, I've not been there in years. My health declined to the point that going into stores like Hastings became too difficult. My financed declined to where I couldn't just toss money at a book or an album when I wanted to. I know this happened to a lot of people. Online shopping became easier. We had to walk away.
When I was a kid and I thought about getting old, I always assumed that the hardest part would be health related. That part isn't fun, no, but it isn't the worst aspect of aging. I never anticipated how often I would mourn as I aged. I never thought about how all the details, all the puzzle pieces that fit together to weave the foundations of my younger years would decay and fall apart. I suppose I should have, but when you're young, you assume the things you love will always be there.
I know I've discussed this before and I know I probably will again. Losing the foundations seems to be a reoccurring theme of my life now. As always, what happens in my life goes into the blog.
When I first started going to Hastings it was just an out of the way store in the mall. It was near Lane Bryant and a Chinese fast food place. It was ugly in the way that mall stores could be, just rows of cassettes, some albums, and various posters along the white walls. I didn't care. I remember picking up my first (of many) copy of Depeche Mode's Violator there. I played that tape until it broke.
When the store was more successful, it moved to one of the larger areas in the mall. It was near an entrance and had fancy shelves now. There was even the 'Hastings green' on things. It was a standard stop on our weekly trips to town. We'd go there and usually eat at El Chico's. How late 80s/early 90s is that!?
When I went to college, there was a Hastings in the larger town about half an hour from our college town. My best friend and I would go over there and just delight in the things we'd find. They had books by then and I would find a lot of art books related to the geekery I was into. I found new writers, stranger music, and learned how to do zodiac charts.
We were poor in college, so the times when we'd actually scrape together enough money to go shop at Hastings was something of a treat. I bought my holiday gifts there, because in my early 20s, that's what you did. I loved getting gifts from there.
By the time I was out of college, the stores had expanded and gotten even larger. More books, more esoteric, more music. You could find toys related to geekery and tons of comics, even independent ones. During the stress of grad school and as the disappointments of my late 20s happened, it was a refuge. It was a place where I could escape and just look at beautiful things.
Now it's closing. Admittedly, I've not been there in years. My health declined to the point that going into stores like Hastings became too difficult. My financed declined to where I couldn't just toss money at a book or an album when I wanted to. I know this happened to a lot of people. Online shopping became easier. We had to walk away.
When I was a kid and I thought about getting old, I always assumed that the hardest part would be health related. That part isn't fun, no, but it isn't the worst aspect of aging. I never anticipated how often I would mourn as I aged. I never thought about how all the details, all the puzzle pieces that fit together to weave the foundations of my younger years would decay and fall apart. I suppose I should have, but when you're young, you assume the things you love will always be there.
I know I've discussed this before and I know I probably will again. Losing the foundations seems to be a reoccurring theme of my life now. As always, what happens in my life goes into the blog.
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
Unexpected Memories
When I was a kid, my mom had this odd friend who lived by the lake. She had a kind of 'thrown together' house that was always being built onto and looked like most of it was built from salvaged wood. She was strange and had a strange little life. She was also pretty nonjudgmental and adored my mom.
At least, she did for a while. Eventually, my mom's batshittery got on everyone's nerves and they had a falling out. I'd not seen her for years, though when I heard she'd died a few years ago, I still felt a loss.
Recently, I noticed her daughter was selling stuff on a local online yard sale group. I knew it was her daughter because no other human in the world has this girl's strange name. When I looked over her page and her pictures, I realized she now lives in her mom's ramshackle house.
It was really neat to see pictures of it. The house isn't in much better repair than it ever was, but that was always part of its charm. It still meanders everywhere. All of the bedrooms lead to other bedrooms and it still looks like maybe part of it is held together with wood pallets, but that is one of the things I always liked about the house.
Anyway, it was a nice little stroll down memory lane. That house always had a certain feel to it and even now as I am writing this, I'm still getting that feeling. Memory is such an odd thing.
At least, she did for a while. Eventually, my mom's batshittery got on everyone's nerves and they had a falling out. I'd not seen her for years, though when I heard she'd died a few years ago, I still felt a loss.
Recently, I noticed her daughter was selling stuff on a local online yard sale group. I knew it was her daughter because no other human in the world has this girl's strange name. When I looked over her page and her pictures, I realized she now lives in her mom's ramshackle house.
It was really neat to see pictures of it. The house isn't in much better repair than it ever was, but that was always part of its charm. It still meanders everywhere. All of the bedrooms lead to other bedrooms and it still looks like maybe part of it is held together with wood pallets, but that is one of the things I always liked about the house.
Anyway, it was a nice little stroll down memory lane. That house always had a certain feel to it and even now as I am writing this, I'm still getting that feeling. Memory is such an odd thing.
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
Political Thought
The whole speech controversy concerning Trump's wife got me thinking about the larger issue at hand. And yes, this is going to be about Hamilton, but I have reasons for it.
Alexander Hamilton wrote almost all the time. He wrote letters, he wrote papers and theories about things. While he probably wrote more than most of our founding fathers, he was by no means the only one who wrote quite a lot.
Politicians rarely write their own speeches anymore. They rarely write their own blog posts or, hell, even their own Tweets. Often these things are composed by professional writers and looked over by focus groups.
I get why people would be nervous about this. One need only look at Sarah Palin to see how damned stupid one can sound without a speech writer (at least, I hope that woman doesn't have one.) Still, I think one of the major reasons why our politicians always feel fake and rarely do anything worthwhile is because they've stopped being political thinkers and become, well, really boring actors.
In an age of such rabid levels of media, I can see why this could be dangerous. On the other hand, wouldn't we be better off with people who really showed us they were thinking about the issues and trying their best to make sense of them?
Alexander Hamilton wrote almost all the time. He wrote letters, he wrote papers and theories about things. While he probably wrote more than most of our founding fathers, he was by no means the only one who wrote quite a lot.
Politicians rarely write their own speeches anymore. They rarely write their own blog posts or, hell, even their own Tweets. Often these things are composed by professional writers and looked over by focus groups.
I get why people would be nervous about this. One need only look at Sarah Palin to see how damned stupid one can sound without a speech writer (at least, I hope that woman doesn't have one.) Still, I think one of the major reasons why our politicians always feel fake and rarely do anything worthwhile is because they've stopped being political thinkers and become, well, really boring actors.
In an age of such rabid levels of media, I can see why this could be dangerous. On the other hand, wouldn't we be better off with people who really showed us they were thinking about the issues and trying their best to make sense of them?
Monday, July 18, 2016
Monday Musings
I'm blogging early again because it's hot and awful. Tonight it will probably be humid and awful and I'll feel less like blogging than I do now. Weather like this does weird things to my fingers. They feel heavy and odd.
Overall, aside from the heat, this has been a good day. I've met the goals I wanted to meet. No one fell when we brought food into the house. I'm going to be thankful for these things.
My sister-in-law posted an article about addiction and having compassion for people who are struggling. The article emphasized the fact that most addicts continue to use, even despite the awfulness of it, because using is less painful than not using. Depression and anxiety play a large role in why people opt for self-destruction?
Do I believe this is true? Certainly. I know meeting my own health goals are easier when my mental state is positive. Then again, perhaps my mental state is more positive because I've been meeting my goals? Ahh, the complexities of being human.
Overall, aside from the heat, this has been a good day. I've met the goals I wanted to meet. No one fell when we brought food into the house. I'm going to be thankful for these things.
My sister-in-law posted an article about addiction and having compassion for people who are struggling. The article emphasized the fact that most addicts continue to use, even despite the awfulness of it, because using is less painful than not using. Depression and anxiety play a large role in why people opt for self-destruction?
Do I believe this is true? Certainly. I know meeting my own health goals are easier when my mental state is positive. Then again, perhaps my mental state is more positive because I've been meeting my goals? Ahh, the complexities of being human.
Sunday, July 17, 2016
Volunteer Surprises
My happy July of cooler weather is coming to an end. Next week is suppose to give us triple digit temps and all the nastiness that comes with it. Upside? Dead grass. Also, usually when it gets hotter than Hell outside, the bugs return to Hell (their home) and leave us alone.
We'll be shopping in the morning and then I have therapy on Tuesday. We also have some errands that will happen on Wednesday, making the first part of our week rather eventful. I'm really hoping that's the last bit of eventful for a while. As hot as it's going to be, I'd rather not be exposed to the outside.
My roommate handles the outside better than I do and informed me that we have a volunteer Elephant Ear in the front yard. We also have more Virginia Creeper, but we always have that. The Elephant Ear is kind of interesting because they usually aren't apt to just show up voluntarily in someone's yard. I know Gran used to have them, but it's been years. Most of hers were in planters and were sold after she died because I knew I'd just end up killing them.
The woman next door grows some and I always like looking at them. It might be nice to have them again. We'll see how it goes. If nothing else, it would make me be happy for my grandmother's memory.
We'll be shopping in the morning and then I have therapy on Tuesday. We also have some errands that will happen on Wednesday, making the first part of our week rather eventful. I'm really hoping that's the last bit of eventful for a while. As hot as it's going to be, I'd rather not be exposed to the outside.
My roommate handles the outside better than I do and informed me that we have a volunteer Elephant Ear in the front yard. We also have more Virginia Creeper, but we always have that. The Elephant Ear is kind of interesting because they usually aren't apt to just show up voluntarily in someone's yard. I know Gran used to have them, but it's been years. Most of hers were in planters and were sold after she died because I knew I'd just end up killing them.
The woman next door grows some and I always like looking at them. It might be nice to have them again. We'll see how it goes. If nothing else, it would make me be happy for my grandmother's memory.
Saturday, July 16, 2016
July Reflections
I'm still working on the blanket. I think I have about two more rounds before I call it finished. It still won't be huge by that time, but big enough to keep me warm. Working on the big, hotass thing can sometimes be annoying, but it will be worth it when winter arrives. You know, assuming winter is actually cold. Lately, the weather doesn't really want to do what it's supposed to do.
In the last week or so, this has been pretty mild for July. We've rarely had the AC on. A couple of nights ago, I got cold while I was sleeping. I'm not complaining about this. June was rough and we used more AC than we wanted. It's good to have some days when we can forgo it, or at least not have it on for as many hours. Any little bit helps.
On days like this, I wish I had a screened in porch. That way I could go out and be near nature, but not in it enough for bugs to get on me. The only thing that sucks about cooler July days is that the bugs don't go away as quickly. Oh, and the grass isn't dead yet, which means more lawn mowing.
Summer just always has a downside.
In the last week or so, this has been pretty mild for July. We've rarely had the AC on. A couple of nights ago, I got cold while I was sleeping. I'm not complaining about this. June was rough and we used more AC than we wanted. It's good to have some days when we can forgo it, or at least not have it on for as many hours. Any little bit helps.
On days like this, I wish I had a screened in porch. That way I could go out and be near nature, but not in it enough for bugs to get on me. The only thing that sucks about cooler July days is that the bugs don't go away as quickly. Oh, and the grass isn't dead yet, which means more lawn mowing.
Summer just always has a downside.
Friday, July 15, 2016
The Still Scareds
So as you know, Monday the van screwed up. Today was the first day where I would be driving it and as much as I tried to talk myself down from being panicked about it, I still kind of was. It sucks that my brain does this to me. It's like simple, everyday problems that could happen to anyone somehow blow up in my mind to be my fault. Even though, intellectually, I know they can't be. Car batteries die. That's how the world works.
I think there is a level of PTSD I've not really gotten past since Jan. 2014. Try as I might, part of me is still really broken and able to slip down the hill into Fear Town very easily. Then again, I'm still recovering a lot from that experience. It may take quite a few years before I get past the horror of it all.
I'm not being dramatic about that either. Cancer is horror.
I think there is a level of PTSD I've not really gotten past since Jan. 2014. Try as I might, part of me is still really broken and able to slip down the hill into Fear Town very easily. Then again, I'm still recovering a lot from that experience. It may take quite a few years before I get past the horror of it all.
I'm not being dramatic about that either. Cancer is horror.
Thursday, July 14, 2016
Home
It's more than headcanon. This is soulcanon, I suppose. Glitch always makes me feel things I can't quite explain. There are places in the game that are so beautiful. It opens up something inside me, almost like I can breathe in a new way. I've never experienced this with any other game. Would other people feel this way about it? I have no idea. Then again, people are dedicating their time and energy to making it become a reality again, so I suppose they do.
Last night, Glitch once again brought out something in me I'd never experienced. There is this one location in the game that has always felt very holy to me. Longtime readers of the blog may remember me talking about it before. Mullangi Meda isn't designed to be a holy place. It's just one spot in a million, in an unremarkable land on the map called Aranna. It has a shrine to my favorite Giant but many places do. For me, however, this always felt like the most holy spot of Lem, like it's the place where he touches down on the ground of something.
When I got back there last night, my heart actually just burst with joy. I cried. I know that sounds crazy, but I cried. It was like walking back into my home after years of being away. It made me deeply happy, like something was feeding my soul in a way it hadn't been fed in a long time.
I'm not even going to begin to explain this. It could just be some crazy manifestation of my detachment disorder. I don't know. Honestly, I don't care. I'm just happy I'm home.
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
Finally
Quick post, but a joyous one.
GLITCH IS BACK!
Children of Ur have a mostly (somewhat) functioning work in progress version of it.
I can't even begin to tell you how happy this makes me.
GLITCH IS BACK!
Children of Ur have a mostly (somewhat) functioning work in progress version of it.
I can't even begin to tell you how happy this makes me.
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
The More Things Change
On top of everything else that happened yesterday, my tablet started screwing up. It still works, but not for the primary thing I need it to work for. SIGH. Oh well. Other arrangements have been made.
I came across this article about postcards done to promote the anti-suffragette movement. It's a little disturbing now violent some of these are, but really not that shocking. You'll notice the propaganda is the same they always use when they want to hold people down. They make them look ugly. They make them look mean and irrational.
Any time people are trying to make social changes, these same messages will appear. We'll see the worst of the group going against the status quo. We'll see the status quo as trying to promote themselves as the TRUE champions of society, the peacekeepers, and the rational ones who will make things right for everyone. While they're doing this, they also make themselves look like the victims. They'll never admit to that. They'll say the group trying to promote change is 'playing victim' all the while, playing it themselves.
It's always the same tactics.
I came across this article about postcards done to promote the anti-suffragette movement. It's a little disturbing now violent some of these are, but really not that shocking. You'll notice the propaganda is the same they always use when they want to hold people down. They make them look ugly. They make them look mean and irrational.
Any time people are trying to make social changes, these same messages will appear. We'll see the worst of the group going against the status quo. We'll see the status quo as trying to promote themselves as the TRUE champions of society, the peacekeepers, and the rational ones who will make things right for everyone. While they're doing this, they also make themselves look like the victims. They'll never admit to that. They'll say the group trying to promote change is 'playing victim' all the while, playing it themselves.
It's always the same tactics.
Monday, July 11, 2016
Yeah It's Monday
I don't intend to keep posting in the middle of the day, but things keep exasperating me in the middle of the day. This morning when we left to go shopping, my roommate noticed that his car's tire was low. He took that car down to the shop while I ran one of the side errands that we needed to do. It was in the opposite direction of everything else, so running it wasn't a big deal.
I picked him up at the mechanic's shop and we went to Walmart. Walmart was crowded, but not really that bad (for Walmart). When he was finished with the groceries, I called the mechanic and they said the car was ready. Mysterious leak. They had no idea why. They aired it up and it was waiting for us.
Everything seemed fine. I started the van . . . or rather, I tried to start the van. It kept making a mocking click noise at me, but no starting. So after a few minutes of this (and despair) reality sank in and I called the mechanic again to tell him that yes, indeed, MY car was now not working.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Anyway, of course, as we were shopping, we had frozen things in the trunk. We sweated out the time for them to show up and help. I tried to make some calls to other people who could maybe get there faster. No one could. Finally, the mechanic showed up and jumped us. We took the van to the shop and drove the car home.
So an hour later, I was out the money it costs for a new battery and the labor to install it. We stop by the mailbox place on our way back to the mechanic. Main includes two items that require two more errands.
Including another errand on the opposite side of town . . . . you know, because of course it did.
Anyway, but by around one, we were finally home. New battery. Errands ran. Aired up tires.
And yes, I am perfectly well aware of all the good things that happened here. I know I'm very VERY lucky that I have a mechanic I can trust who does good work for us. I know I am lucky to have a roommate who can help keep things moving during situations like this. The people I called for help eventually called me back and WOULD have helped if no one else would have been there.
Still though, that is a lot of annoying for one morning. I'm going to go nap now.
I picked him up at the mechanic's shop and we went to Walmart. Walmart was crowded, but not really that bad (for Walmart). When he was finished with the groceries, I called the mechanic and they said the car was ready. Mysterious leak. They had no idea why. They aired it up and it was waiting for us.
Everything seemed fine. I started the van . . . or rather, I tried to start the van. It kept making a mocking click noise at me, but no starting. So after a few minutes of this (and despair) reality sank in and I called the mechanic again to tell him that yes, indeed, MY car was now not working.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Anyway, of course, as we were shopping, we had frozen things in the trunk. We sweated out the time for them to show up and help. I tried to make some calls to other people who could maybe get there faster. No one could. Finally, the mechanic showed up and jumped us. We took the van to the shop and drove the car home.
So an hour later, I was out the money it costs for a new battery and the labor to install it. We stop by the mailbox place on our way back to the mechanic. Main includes two items that require two more errands.
Including another errand on the opposite side of town . . . . you know, because of course it did.
Anyway, but by around one, we were finally home. New battery. Errands ran. Aired up tires.
And yes, I am perfectly well aware of all the good things that happened here. I know I'm very VERY lucky that I have a mechanic I can trust who does good work for us. I know I am lucky to have a roommate who can help keep things moving during situations like this. The people I called for help eventually called me back and WOULD have helped if no one else would have been there.
Still though, that is a lot of annoying for one morning. I'm going to go nap now.
Sunday, July 10, 2016
Wickedness
I hate OG&E so much. Every year, this company tries new tactics to make money for their investors to the detriment of their customers. I have no problem with a company making a fair amount of money for the services they render, but for years now, that's not been OG&E's plan.
This article outlines their latest plot. They want to increase rates on usage. They always want this. It would cost people money, but in the long run, people have found ways to control this. Mind you, their methods aren't comfortable. People force themselves to suffer in the heat for longer amounts of time. For instance, we don't turn on our AC until it's 95.
The problem is, OG&E knows people do this. They realize customers will just use less power to try and offset the increase. So their new tactic is to add money onto the bill in ways people can't control. The first is to double the customer charge. No one can do a damned thing about this. Just for having the service turned on, even if you don't use it, you'd still be charged almost 27$ per month.
The second tactic, more insidious, is a new charge called the 'demand' charge. It would add fees for use of electricity during peek hours. Like the customer charge, this fee would be mandatory. Unlike the customer fee, this one wouldn't be set. It could be anywhere from 18$ to 30$ and given that very few people have the technology to know how much power they're using during peak hours, they would have no way of controlling this.
So far, no state has allowed this demand charge to go through for companies that have investors. Then again, this is Oklahoma and our congress is populated by idiots and sociopaths.
This article outlines their latest plot. They want to increase rates on usage. They always want this. It would cost people money, but in the long run, people have found ways to control this. Mind you, their methods aren't comfortable. People force themselves to suffer in the heat for longer amounts of time. For instance, we don't turn on our AC until it's 95.
The problem is, OG&E knows people do this. They realize customers will just use less power to try and offset the increase. So their new tactic is to add money onto the bill in ways people can't control. The first is to double the customer charge. No one can do a damned thing about this. Just for having the service turned on, even if you don't use it, you'd still be charged almost 27$ per month.
The second tactic, more insidious, is a new charge called the 'demand' charge. It would add fees for use of electricity during peek hours. Like the customer charge, this fee would be mandatory. Unlike the customer fee, this one wouldn't be set. It could be anywhere from 18$ to 30$ and given that very few people have the technology to know how much power they're using during peak hours, they would have no way of controlling this.
So far, no state has allowed this demand charge to go through for companies that have investors. Then again, this is Oklahoma and our congress is populated by idiots and sociopaths.
Saturday, July 9, 2016
Little Moments of Coping
I think about my grandparents a lot during summer. This makes sense. I spent most of my summers with them. I associate a lot of my childhood rituals of summer with them. As much as I loathe summer, it's the season where I feel most like a kid because all the good aspects of it are things that tie back to my childhood.
This can be a really depressing season for me. I'm not well. I ache. It's difficult to sleep in all the humidity. If you read the blog, you know all my complaints. It can get to be too much sometimes. When there seems to be no relief from the oppressive weather, my emotional state starts to break apart.
I have trouble eating at night and sometimes opt for sliced veggies. Cucumbers, onions, and tomatoes are what my grandparents would eat during the summer months. Theirs were fresh from the garden, but we all know I can't grow anything. I buy mine and eat them, and it's really comforting. It reminds me of how they would have meals, how proud they would be of what they grew.
The thing is, I don't think they ever took their garden for granted. There was always a little bit of awe in the fact that things grew. Then again, they'd grown up during the time when the garden not working could mean a really rough winter. The food they grew was often the majority of all they had as kids.
And I really do think those were the best tomatoes I ever ate. The dish my grandmother would make with new potatoes and peas was divine. I still crave the dish she'd make by cutting corn off the cob and cooking it in butter. The watermelons would open and smell like heaven.
Even writing about this fills me with calm and love. I think it's important that I have these memories, not just for the general reason why it's good to have memories, but also because they can go a long way towards helping me survive the summer. Like I said, I can really start to despair in this heat. Being able to put myself into another emotional state is helping me a lot.
This can be a really depressing season for me. I'm not well. I ache. It's difficult to sleep in all the humidity. If you read the blog, you know all my complaints. It can get to be too much sometimes. When there seems to be no relief from the oppressive weather, my emotional state starts to break apart.
I have trouble eating at night and sometimes opt for sliced veggies. Cucumbers, onions, and tomatoes are what my grandparents would eat during the summer months. Theirs were fresh from the garden, but we all know I can't grow anything. I buy mine and eat them, and it's really comforting. It reminds me of how they would have meals, how proud they would be of what they grew.
The thing is, I don't think they ever took their garden for granted. There was always a little bit of awe in the fact that things grew. Then again, they'd grown up during the time when the garden not working could mean a really rough winter. The food they grew was often the majority of all they had as kids.
And I really do think those were the best tomatoes I ever ate. The dish my grandmother would make with new potatoes and peas was divine. I still crave the dish she'd make by cutting corn off the cob and cooking it in butter. The watermelons would open and smell like heaven.
Even writing about this fills me with calm and love. I think it's important that I have these memories, not just for the general reason why it's good to have memories, but also because they can go a long way towards helping me survive the summer. Like I said, I can really start to despair in this heat. Being able to put myself into another emotional state is helping me a lot.
Friday, July 8, 2016
Chaos
I woke up this morning to a Facebook feed of anger and confusion. People are taking sides and screaming at each other. The very few rays of sunshine are mostly opting to step away from social media for a while because things are just too chaotic and dire.
I'm not going to presume I have answers. I'm not going to presume I know how the people who are more closely involved in this feel. Hell, I'm having trouble putting into words how I even feel about all of this. At the most basic of emotions, I just feel scared and sad and sick.
It used to be that when national tragedies happened, we had a grieving period, a time when we could focus on that specific instance and find a way to come to terms with it. Lately, so much violence is happening that the tragedies just bleed into each other. It's becoming our everyday situation. People can't live like this.
I'm not going to presume I have answers. I'm not going to presume I know how the people who are more closely involved in this feel. Hell, I'm having trouble putting into words how I even feel about all of this. At the most basic of emotions, I just feel scared and sad and sick.
It used to be that when national tragedies happened, we had a grieving period, a time when we could focus on that specific instance and find a way to come to terms with it. Lately, so much violence is happening that the tragedies just bleed into each other. It's becoming our everyday situation. People can't live like this.
Thursday, July 7, 2016
Erasing Ourselves
Fat acceptance is widely debated. Some people are calling for an end to the stigma that fat people face, while others are saying that to accept fat people as they are is irresponsible and unhealthy. This is something I've written about before and something I think about often. Even as a fat person, it's complicated to grapple with the idea. Often when I discuss it with others, even other fat people, things can get hostile.
I read this article last night. It's about a common thing that fat people (and others who are uncomfortable with their appearance for that matter) face when pictures are being taken. When you see yourself as flawed, you want to remove yourself from any situation that will document that flaw.
As the article points out, we're more than just our flaws. Photos aren't taken to highlight or capture moments concerning our flaws. Photos are taken to highlight and capture moments of love and celebration. They are the documentation of our lives. Photos will one day be the only way the people who are connected to us will be able to see us. You know, because we'll be dead.
At one point, the article asks if you would really want your children to have no pictures of you while with them when they were certain ages just because you weren't happy with how you looked? In the long run, will that really matter? Do you not want to see how you looked when you were holding your 3 yr old or standing proudly by your kid while they graduate? Do you not want to see how happy you were at your 50th birthday party?
This really struck home with me because I don't have a lot of pictures of my mom. She was never really all that heavy, but she was uncomfortable with her looks for other reasons. She would avoid pictures. She would do her best to erase herself from the moment. Now she's dead so there will be no more photos.
To me, this cuts to the core of what fat acceptance is trying to accomplish. It isn't about laying back and NEVER trying to get healthy. It isn't about eating the whole box of donuts and that's okay because you're still pretty. This isn't about making excuses.
It's about the fact that our society hates fat and sees fat people as subhuman failures who aren't deserving of anything. We're told we don't deserve love. We're told we don't deserve success. We're told we don't deserve comfort or decent clothes. We're told that all of these things will be denied to us UNTIL we get with the program and lose weight. We will be left with nothing UNTIL we obey and do what we're supposed to do.
Look, I'm a smart woman and pretty good at seeing through bullshit. And yet, every day, I buy into this. Every single day, I wake up and accept the fact that because of my size, I have to be uncomfortable and wear misshapen clothes (that still don't fit properly). I accepted that no one would ever marry me. I accepted that success would allude me.
Why did I do this? Why? Because I feel like a failure because I can't be at a healthy weight. Every day, every single day, I wake up and feel like a failure. Every morning, even on the ones where I do my 30 minutes of exercise, I still feel like a damned failure.
And the worst part is, when many people read this, all they will do is just give me suggestions on 'ways I can lose weight' and miss the point that I don't need to be told how to do something. I need to be told I'm not a failure. I need to be reminded that even though I'm carrying around the weight of almost 3 other humans, I still managed to stagger around somewhat.
We live in a society where a third of the people are obese, so why are all the chairs and cars and planes and medical equipment and couches and bathroom still designed for people who are thin? Another third of our population may not be as massive as I am, but they're still overweight. Why are we designing for only a third of us?
Okay, this is getting really ranty. I'll sum things up. Let people take pictures of you. You may not like how you look, but it's how you look and you're here and someone loves you enough to want to document that. Try to feel like less of a failure because you're not perfect. You're doing the best you can. Don't erase yourself.
I read this article last night. It's about a common thing that fat people (and others who are uncomfortable with their appearance for that matter) face when pictures are being taken. When you see yourself as flawed, you want to remove yourself from any situation that will document that flaw.
As the article points out, we're more than just our flaws. Photos aren't taken to highlight or capture moments concerning our flaws. Photos are taken to highlight and capture moments of love and celebration. They are the documentation of our lives. Photos will one day be the only way the people who are connected to us will be able to see us. You know, because we'll be dead.
At one point, the article asks if you would really want your children to have no pictures of you while with them when they were certain ages just because you weren't happy with how you looked? In the long run, will that really matter? Do you not want to see how you looked when you were holding your 3 yr old or standing proudly by your kid while they graduate? Do you not want to see how happy you were at your 50th birthday party?
This really struck home with me because I don't have a lot of pictures of my mom. She was never really all that heavy, but she was uncomfortable with her looks for other reasons. She would avoid pictures. She would do her best to erase herself from the moment. Now she's dead so there will be no more photos.
To me, this cuts to the core of what fat acceptance is trying to accomplish. It isn't about laying back and NEVER trying to get healthy. It isn't about eating the whole box of donuts and that's okay because you're still pretty. This isn't about making excuses.
It's about the fact that our society hates fat and sees fat people as subhuman failures who aren't deserving of anything. We're told we don't deserve love. We're told we don't deserve success. We're told we don't deserve comfort or decent clothes. We're told that all of these things will be denied to us UNTIL we get with the program and lose weight. We will be left with nothing UNTIL we obey and do what we're supposed to do.
Look, I'm a smart woman and pretty good at seeing through bullshit. And yet, every day, I buy into this. Every single day, I wake up and accept the fact that because of my size, I have to be uncomfortable and wear misshapen clothes (that still don't fit properly). I accepted that no one would ever marry me. I accepted that success would allude me.
Why did I do this? Why? Because I feel like a failure because I can't be at a healthy weight. Every day, every single day, I wake up and feel like a failure. Every morning, even on the ones where I do my 30 minutes of exercise, I still feel like a damned failure.
And the worst part is, when many people read this, all they will do is just give me suggestions on 'ways I can lose weight' and miss the point that I don't need to be told how to do something. I need to be told I'm not a failure. I need to be reminded that even though I'm carrying around the weight of almost 3 other humans, I still managed to stagger around somewhat.
We live in a society where a third of the people are obese, so why are all the chairs and cars and planes and medical equipment and couches and bathroom still designed for people who are thin? Another third of our population may not be as massive as I am, but they're still overweight. Why are we designing for only a third of us?
Okay, this is getting really ranty. I'll sum things up. Let people take pictures of you. You may not like how you look, but it's how you look and you're here and someone loves you enough to want to document that. Try to feel like less of a failure because you're not perfect. You're doing the best you can. Don't erase yourself.
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
Thoughts on Game of Thrones Season 6 Part Six
Clearly, my geekery knows no bounds.
This almost didn't get posted tonight because our internet has been out for five hours.
Also, Game of Thrones spoilers.
Faith and Identity
Part Four
Feeding the Faithful
My roommate and I have had this ongoing discussion about the lack of agrarian magic in most gaming systems. When I started thinking about the Faith of the Seven in Game of Thrones, I realized they have no farming gods. They don't have a god of hunting. I mean, sure they have the Smith, but while he's supposed to cover 'various skills that people have,' the emphasis always seems to be the ones that supply things for war. I'm actually pretty sure the Faith of the Seven doesn't care if anyone actually eats.
The Seven are the only gods we've never seen manifest any power. Well, okay, I'll add the Drowned God to that, kind of . . . his followers think he brings people back from the dead but it's really just the priests have figured out how to do CPR. Still, even the Ironborn have more substantial reasons to believe in their gods than anyone who follows the Seven.
What the Seven DO have (and this seems to be lacking with the other religions) are guild books. Apparently, every one of the Seven gods has a book concerning the philosophies of that certain god. From everything we've been told, though, these seem to be more about ways people should act. Even the gods themselves seem to be more about models of behavior.
The Father is the model for leaders (of the family, of nations), the Mother is the model for mothers. The Maiden is the model for unmarried women. The Crone is the model for older women. The Warrior is the model for knights and other honorable warriors. The Smith is the model for how trades should be conducted and how to have good quality work. The Stranger is about how to handle death. In fact, the Stranger seems to have the only USEFUL followers. The Silent Sisters follow the Stranger and prepare the dead for burial.
So the big conflict with the Seven is that they have become the dominant religion in the Seven Kingdoms, but display no power compared to other gods. The people who follow them follow purely on faith. They guild books, but we have to remember this is a culture where very few people can read. This means the majority of the followers of the Faith are dependent on the clergy for guidance. This, of course, gives the clergy massive levels of power. This is Game of Thrones, though, so there is always more power to be had.
This season, we see two examples of people who lead the Faith. The first is the High Sparrow, a man who appears to be humble, but is clearly looking to gain as much power as possible. He slides his way into King's Landing and manages to get into the most powerful position he can. As I mentioned in the earlier essay about the HP and Cersei, SOME power is not enough for him. He has to have more. He uses religion as a weapon to gain what he wants.
In contrast to this is Septon Ray, a character who only appears in one episode. Like the High Sparrow, Ray came to his calling late in life. He found faith because he knew it was the only way to keep him sane. He makes it clear he was an angry man before, but in this humble man, we see someone who has clearly experienced transformation. He is patient. He is kind. He goes out of his way to befriend people who no one else wants to talk to. Instead of trying to gain power or manipulate royalty, he and his band of people retreat from society, intent on building something that is peaceful and new.
Ray is clearly the better of the two men. It's easy to see that his heart is in the right place. It's easy to see that nothing he does is for show, nothing is calculated or planned as part of a greater scheme. Even when we first see Ray, we see evidence of someone who cares about people on a very basic level. His followers are building a Sept, but they're also preparing food. He makes sure everyone has enough, including Sandor.
Seeing to the needs of his people is at the core of where Ray differs from the High Sparrow. The HS may dress humbly and hang out in that ancient alter area under the Sept of Baelor, but he isn't tending to anyone's needs. In fact, withholding water and food are some of his favorite tactics for making people come to his side. This manifests in how he presents the gods to the people. In the High Sparrow's world, the gods want obedience first. Ray presents the gods as wanting people to be good to each other first.
By the end of the season, both men are dead. Their actions have ended, but the legacies of their actions will progress as the story does. In “The World Was Wide Enough” (Hamilton), Miranda goes through the thoughts Alexander is having just before he dies. At one point he says, “What is a legacy? It's planting seeds in a garden you never get to see.” The High Sparrow's only legacy will be the poison he fed to Cersei. It kills him, everyone who followed him, and everything he built.
Ray also looses what he built, his followers, and his life. This is Game of Thrones, after all. Being a good person isn't a shield However, he also planted a lot of seeds in the Hound. He talked to him, person to person, about a lot of things. He accepted Sandor's past without question or judgment. He was unwavering in his belief that Sandor could be a good man and serve the world in a positive way. He fed his people, physically and spiritually. That could make all the difference in the world.
As a side note, I would also like to say that this season's interiors of the Sept of Baelor were magnificent. I loved the way they showed the bases of the massive statues to the gods. It's all gone now, but it was nice while it lasted.
This almost didn't get posted tonight because our internet has been out for five hours.
Also, Game of Thrones spoilers.
Faith and Identity
Part Four
Feeding the Faithful
My roommate and I have had this ongoing discussion about the lack of agrarian magic in most gaming systems. When I started thinking about the Faith of the Seven in Game of Thrones, I realized they have no farming gods. They don't have a god of hunting. I mean, sure they have the Smith, but while he's supposed to cover 'various skills that people have,' the emphasis always seems to be the ones that supply things for war. I'm actually pretty sure the Faith of the Seven doesn't care if anyone actually eats.
The Seven are the only gods we've never seen manifest any power. Well, okay, I'll add the Drowned God to that, kind of . . . his followers think he brings people back from the dead but it's really just the priests have figured out how to do CPR. Still, even the Ironborn have more substantial reasons to believe in their gods than anyone who follows the Seven.
What the Seven DO have (and this seems to be lacking with the other religions) are guild books. Apparently, every one of the Seven gods has a book concerning the philosophies of that certain god. From everything we've been told, though, these seem to be more about ways people should act. Even the gods themselves seem to be more about models of behavior.
The Father is the model for leaders (of the family, of nations), the Mother is the model for mothers. The Maiden is the model for unmarried women. The Crone is the model for older women. The Warrior is the model for knights and other honorable warriors. The Smith is the model for how trades should be conducted and how to have good quality work. The Stranger is about how to handle death. In fact, the Stranger seems to have the only USEFUL followers. The Silent Sisters follow the Stranger and prepare the dead for burial.
So the big conflict with the Seven is that they have become the dominant religion in the Seven Kingdoms, but display no power compared to other gods. The people who follow them follow purely on faith. They guild books, but we have to remember this is a culture where very few people can read. This means the majority of the followers of the Faith are dependent on the clergy for guidance. This, of course, gives the clergy massive levels of power. This is Game of Thrones, though, so there is always more power to be had.
This season, we see two examples of people who lead the Faith. The first is the High Sparrow, a man who appears to be humble, but is clearly looking to gain as much power as possible. He slides his way into King's Landing and manages to get into the most powerful position he can. As I mentioned in the earlier essay about the HP and Cersei, SOME power is not enough for him. He has to have more. He uses religion as a weapon to gain what he wants.
In contrast to this is Septon Ray, a character who only appears in one episode. Like the High Sparrow, Ray came to his calling late in life. He found faith because he knew it was the only way to keep him sane. He makes it clear he was an angry man before, but in this humble man, we see someone who has clearly experienced transformation. He is patient. He is kind. He goes out of his way to befriend people who no one else wants to talk to. Instead of trying to gain power or manipulate royalty, he and his band of people retreat from society, intent on building something that is peaceful and new.
Ray is clearly the better of the two men. It's easy to see that his heart is in the right place. It's easy to see that nothing he does is for show, nothing is calculated or planned as part of a greater scheme. Even when we first see Ray, we see evidence of someone who cares about people on a very basic level. His followers are building a Sept, but they're also preparing food. He makes sure everyone has enough, including Sandor.
Seeing to the needs of his people is at the core of where Ray differs from the High Sparrow. The HS may dress humbly and hang out in that ancient alter area under the Sept of Baelor, but he isn't tending to anyone's needs. In fact, withholding water and food are some of his favorite tactics for making people come to his side. This manifests in how he presents the gods to the people. In the High Sparrow's world, the gods want obedience first. Ray presents the gods as wanting people to be good to each other first.
By the end of the season, both men are dead. Their actions have ended, but the legacies of their actions will progress as the story does. In “The World Was Wide Enough” (Hamilton), Miranda goes through the thoughts Alexander is having just before he dies. At one point he says, “What is a legacy? It's planting seeds in a garden you never get to see.” The High Sparrow's only legacy will be the poison he fed to Cersei. It kills him, everyone who followed him, and everything he built.
Ray also looses what he built, his followers, and his life. This is Game of Thrones, after all. Being a good person isn't a shield However, he also planted a lot of seeds in the Hound. He talked to him, person to person, about a lot of things. He accepted Sandor's past without question or judgment. He was unwavering in his belief that Sandor could be a good man and serve the world in a positive way. He fed his people, physically and spiritually. That could make all the difference in the world.
As a side note, I would also like to say that this season's interiors of the Sept of Baelor were magnificent. I loved the way they showed the bases of the massive statues to the gods. It's all gone now, but it was nice while it lasted.
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
Summer Complaining
My writing schedule was disrupted today because I had therapy and errands. By the time I got home, I was so exhausted I really couldn't think straight. I took a nap and it was one of those dead to the world kind of naps. This heat is really draining.
It's supposed to be nasty for the next few days and then start raining on Friday to maybe cool things off by the weekend. Understand when I say 'cool things off' I mean the lower 90s. There isn't really any 'cool' right now. It's not even exactly cool with the AC on, only tolerable.
I did start the next GoT post, but like I said, I'm just too tired after being out in the heat. Summer is getting to me and it's getting to my roommate. And the cats. The worst part about it is that I know this is only the first week in July. It's going to get a lot worse from here.
It's supposed to be nasty for the next few days and then start raining on Friday to maybe cool things off by the weekend. Understand when I say 'cool things off' I mean the lower 90s. There isn't really any 'cool' right now. It's not even exactly cool with the AC on, only tolerable.
I did start the next GoT post, but like I said, I'm just too tired after being out in the heat. Summer is getting to me and it's getting to my roommate. And the cats. The worst part about it is that I know this is only the first week in July. It's going to get a lot worse from here.
Monday, July 4, 2016
Thoughts on GoT Season Six Part Five
Faith and Identity Part Three
The One We've Got
In Game of Thrones, one gets the idea that none of the gods are the TRUE god(s). If some of them are right for certain regions, they're certainly not right for other people. In the books, this can be a pretty complex thing. We know certain people to be true believers, devout believers, even though we find their actions and beliefs to be pretty sketchy. On the show, they've simplified things . . . most of the religions and the people who practice them are agenda driven and fairly evil.
Of course, 'agenda driven and fairly evil' is a label that can be applied to a lot of characters, religious or not. However, religious fanaticism is a darkness we, as an audience, understand all too well. It's something we see as one of the main causes of suffering in our own world. We know the damage it can do. Perhaps for this reason. in Season Six identity and faith are often mixed with a good, long dose of humility. The gods, whether they manifest or not, speak the most clearly through the humbling of their servants.
Humility is certainly the lesson for Melisandre this season. This is really a new thing too. Before this season, Melisandre has never really had her own story arc. She's always just been part of someone else's. She was the villain in Davos's story or the temptress/witch in Stannis's story. Stannis is dead and Davos still views her as the villain (especially by the end of the season), but in her own way, Mel steps up as a main character in the various stories that are told this season. We see things from her perspective and watch as her story has a beginning, a middle, and an end to it.
Her story is all about her relationship with her god, R'hllor. Even though Mel is often presented as a Very Bad Person, it has always been questionable if she saw herself that way. It was clear she had power. She wasn't faking that. But was she really seeing things in the flames? Was it really needful to burn innocent people to reach her goals?
For most people, the answer to that would be no. Mel always said she was doing the will of her god and that R'hllor was trying to save the world from the Long Night. Were this true, what are a few deaths compared to millions? If Mel really believed her own propaganda, then from her POV, she really was on the good side of things.
At the end of season 5, Melisandre had a crisis of faith. She'd burned Princess Shireen, an innocent little girl, to help Stannis win a war. While the snows had cleared enough for them to move their army, things were falling apart. Their mercenaries had left. Stannis's wife killed herself. There is this moment when Mel realizes she's made a lot of mistakes. Instead of staying there to die, she rides back to Castle Black, the only place she knows may be safe for her.
When this season starts, she is at her lowest point. She sees Jon Snow's dead body and feels like she's gotten absolutely everything wrong. She'd seen visions of him fighting for Winterfell. She'd seen herself walking on Winterfell's battlements. None of that seems possible. Mel's reaction is one of the most human reactions one can have. She's depressed and in a deep crisis. She decides to crawl into bed.
Before she does, she lets all of her glamours fall. She reveals herself to be a very old woman, probably centuries old. She looks worn out, defeated, and weak. Stripping away all the illusions is Mel's first step in this path to humble herself. She is naked and stripped of all pretense in front of her god. Many people have talked about this scene and why she did it. For me, it is a moment of laying herself firmly in R'hllor's hands.
It's really a great scene because it plays so well into the polarizing nature of this character. We see how deeply deceptive she CAN be. An ugly old crone pretending to be a beautiful woman is one of the oldest 'beware the witch' tropes around. At the same time, she's also her most honest. “This is what I am. This is ALL I am.”
Another great moment of dualities is when she resurrects Jon. Bringing someone back from the dead is a massive display of power to everyone else. It's proof of what she is capable of. For Mel, though, it IS her most humbling moment. If I ever had any doubts about her belief in her god, they are erased when she closes her eyes and whispers a very quiet, “Please.” She knows he is real. She is a believer. All the burning people and kingmaking and weird sex/leech rituals haven't just been the products of some deranged mind.
When Jon wakes up, Mel's story moves to the background, but we do witness it continue. She now believes Jon is the one R'hllor wants her to follow. She now believes she's back on the right path. She's more reserved that she was with Stannis. When Jon and Sansa go to ask the bannermen to follow them, she doesn't come with them. She is humbled enough to know they won't listen. When Jon has war discussions, she doesn't attend. She knows she has nothing of value to add.
This is so different than how she was with Stannis. Unless he would not LET her be with him, she was. She was part of everything going on, always keen to remind him of her importance, and always ready to make R'hllor's will known. Even when Jon goes to privately talk with her, she's more reserved. She admits she doesn't know all the answers and can't help him very much. When he asks him what kind of god would do the things R'hllor does, she doesn't leap to defend him. Her only answer is 'the one we've got.'
So this is Mel's story. She is at a breaking point with her faith, but in that moment and at her most humble, she performs her biggest miracle. She stays humble and continues to keep a low profile as the episodes pass by. She doesn't try to be in the middle of things. She doesn't try to turn the tide of the war. She does all she can to be in the background as an adviser when needed. In the end, despite all odds, her side wins. Jon fights his battle at Winterfell and she finds herself standing on the battlements.
The humbling doesn't end there. Just as we see her winning, and just as we see the Earlier Mel coming out again, willing to chide Jon for feeling sorry for himself, another blow is dealt. Davos confronts her about killing Shireen. Jon banishes her from the North. Suddenly, despite her best efforts, she finds herself in a position to be even further humbled. Whatever else the Lord of Light wants from her, her meekness is still a part of it.
While this analysis is part of the larger Faith and Identity part of my thoughts on the season, I'd like to point out that how Mel was handled is one of the explanations why this season was so strong. Her story arc is a nice little short story that stands well, even on its own. They did a lot of that this year and it's really made the show better.
The One We've Got
In Game of Thrones, one gets the idea that none of the gods are the TRUE god(s). If some of them are right for certain regions, they're certainly not right for other people. In the books, this can be a pretty complex thing. We know certain people to be true believers, devout believers, even though we find their actions and beliefs to be pretty sketchy. On the show, they've simplified things . . . most of the religions and the people who practice them are agenda driven and fairly evil.
Of course, 'agenda driven and fairly evil' is a label that can be applied to a lot of characters, religious or not. However, religious fanaticism is a darkness we, as an audience, understand all too well. It's something we see as one of the main causes of suffering in our own world. We know the damage it can do. Perhaps for this reason. in Season Six identity and faith are often mixed with a good, long dose of humility. The gods, whether they manifest or not, speak the most clearly through the humbling of their servants.
Humility is certainly the lesson for Melisandre this season. This is really a new thing too. Before this season, Melisandre has never really had her own story arc. She's always just been part of someone else's. She was the villain in Davos's story or the temptress/witch in Stannis's story. Stannis is dead and Davos still views her as the villain (especially by the end of the season), but in her own way, Mel steps up as a main character in the various stories that are told this season. We see things from her perspective and watch as her story has a beginning, a middle, and an end to it.
Her story is all about her relationship with her god, R'hllor. Even though Mel is often presented as a Very Bad Person, it has always been questionable if she saw herself that way. It was clear she had power. She wasn't faking that. But was she really seeing things in the flames? Was it really needful to burn innocent people to reach her goals?
For most people, the answer to that would be no. Mel always said she was doing the will of her god and that R'hllor was trying to save the world from the Long Night. Were this true, what are a few deaths compared to millions? If Mel really believed her own propaganda, then from her POV, she really was on the good side of things.
At the end of season 5, Melisandre had a crisis of faith. She'd burned Princess Shireen, an innocent little girl, to help Stannis win a war. While the snows had cleared enough for them to move their army, things were falling apart. Their mercenaries had left. Stannis's wife killed herself. There is this moment when Mel realizes she's made a lot of mistakes. Instead of staying there to die, she rides back to Castle Black, the only place she knows may be safe for her.
When this season starts, she is at her lowest point. She sees Jon Snow's dead body and feels like she's gotten absolutely everything wrong. She'd seen visions of him fighting for Winterfell. She'd seen herself walking on Winterfell's battlements. None of that seems possible. Mel's reaction is one of the most human reactions one can have. She's depressed and in a deep crisis. She decides to crawl into bed.
Before she does, she lets all of her glamours fall. She reveals herself to be a very old woman, probably centuries old. She looks worn out, defeated, and weak. Stripping away all the illusions is Mel's first step in this path to humble herself. She is naked and stripped of all pretense in front of her god. Many people have talked about this scene and why she did it. For me, it is a moment of laying herself firmly in R'hllor's hands.
It's really a great scene because it plays so well into the polarizing nature of this character. We see how deeply deceptive she CAN be. An ugly old crone pretending to be a beautiful woman is one of the oldest 'beware the witch' tropes around. At the same time, she's also her most honest. “This is what I am. This is ALL I am.”
Another great moment of dualities is when she resurrects Jon. Bringing someone back from the dead is a massive display of power to everyone else. It's proof of what she is capable of. For Mel, though, it IS her most humbling moment. If I ever had any doubts about her belief in her god, they are erased when she closes her eyes and whispers a very quiet, “Please.” She knows he is real. She is a believer. All the burning people and kingmaking and weird sex/leech rituals haven't just been the products of some deranged mind.
When Jon wakes up, Mel's story moves to the background, but we do witness it continue. She now believes Jon is the one R'hllor wants her to follow. She now believes she's back on the right path. She's more reserved that she was with Stannis. When Jon and Sansa go to ask the bannermen to follow them, she doesn't come with them. She is humbled enough to know they won't listen. When Jon has war discussions, she doesn't attend. She knows she has nothing of value to add.
This is so different than how she was with Stannis. Unless he would not LET her be with him, she was. She was part of everything going on, always keen to remind him of her importance, and always ready to make R'hllor's will known. Even when Jon goes to privately talk with her, she's more reserved. She admits she doesn't know all the answers and can't help him very much. When he asks him what kind of god would do the things R'hllor does, she doesn't leap to defend him. Her only answer is 'the one we've got.'
So this is Mel's story. She is at a breaking point with her faith, but in that moment and at her most humble, she performs her biggest miracle. She stays humble and continues to keep a low profile as the episodes pass by. She doesn't try to be in the middle of things. She doesn't try to turn the tide of the war. She does all she can to be in the background as an adviser when needed. In the end, despite all odds, her side wins. Jon fights his battle at Winterfell and she finds herself standing on the battlements.
The humbling doesn't end there. Just as we see her winning, and just as we see the Earlier Mel coming out again, willing to chide Jon for feeling sorry for himself, another blow is dealt. Davos confronts her about killing Shireen. Jon banishes her from the North. Suddenly, despite her best efforts, she finds herself in a position to be even further humbled. Whatever else the Lord of Light wants from her, her meekness is still a part of it.
While this analysis is part of the larger Faith and Identity part of my thoughts on the season, I'd like to point out that how Mel was handled is one of the explanations why this season was so strong. Her story arc is a nice little short story that stands well, even on its own. They did a lot of that this year and it's really made the show better.
Sunday, July 3, 2016
Interlude Two Electric Boogaloo
I'm working on the next part of the GoT thing, but as I said yesterday, I wanted to take some time to talk about a few other things. A lot is going on in the world right now and people are being all kinds of levels of sanctimonious about it. If anything speaks of the decay of our society, it's the fact that tragedies are met with political agendas and not with sympathy.
That's where personal identity politics has taken us, folks. We can no longer filter any aspect of the world outside of our own political notions. I'm beginning to wonder if there is anything to some people OUTSIDE of their politics.
Apparently, several people got messages this week about how others were annoyed with the fact that they post countless political things on FB. None of this seems to have been met with self-reflection. Instead, every single one of them (and they were all over the political spectrum) basically posted the exact same message.
1. I talk about politics all the time because I CARE about the world (and I am kind of implying that you don't.
2. I know that it isn't cool to post about politics, but I'm okay with not being cool (and am implying that by not caring if I am cool or not, I'm really the cool kid deep down).
3. This is MY FB and I can use it however I wish. Now, this one is completely true, of course. You can do what you want with your Facebook . . . but you're not really communicating your message if you keep constantly talking about it. People tune that out. It is your right to do this, but it really isn't that effective.
I get political on the blog, but let's face it, very few people read this anyway. This blog is basically the outward expression of all the stuff going on in my head, minus the constant songs, Simpsons quotes, and revenge fantasies. The nice thing about being political on a blog is that people basically have to choose to click on the links to read it. They certainly don't have to. And they certainly don't have to go through steps to block it. Not that blocking things on FB is hard, but still . . .
That's where personal identity politics has taken us, folks. We can no longer filter any aspect of the world outside of our own political notions. I'm beginning to wonder if there is anything to some people OUTSIDE of their politics.
Apparently, several people got messages this week about how others were annoyed with the fact that they post countless political things on FB. None of this seems to have been met with self-reflection. Instead, every single one of them (and they were all over the political spectrum) basically posted the exact same message.
1. I talk about politics all the time because I CARE about the world (and I am kind of implying that you don't.
2. I know that it isn't cool to post about politics, but I'm okay with not being cool (and am implying that by not caring if I am cool or not, I'm really the cool kid deep down).
3. This is MY FB and I can use it however I wish. Now, this one is completely true, of course. You can do what you want with your Facebook . . . but you're not really communicating your message if you keep constantly talking about it. People tune that out. It is your right to do this, but it really isn't that effective.
I get political on the blog, but let's face it, very few people read this anyway. This blog is basically the outward expression of all the stuff going on in my head, minus the constant songs, Simpsons quotes, and revenge fantasies. The nice thing about being political on a blog is that people basically have to choose to click on the links to read it. They certainly don't have to. And they certainly don't have to go through steps to block it. Not that blocking things on FB is hard, but still . . .
Saturday, July 2, 2016
Interlude
I'm not done writing Things about GoT, but I thought I'd take a break for the weekend and kind of catch up on other things. It's hot as hell, but it rained last night and that got us a few hours of not-hell.
Speaking of Hell, If you can handle shaky-cam, watch the movie As Above, So Below. I can't seem to get it out of my head. It took some very creepy and interesting turns, which is a good thing for an 'obsessed person on a quest' movie to do. Dat shaky-cam tho.....
I guess if there is any testament to how much I liked the movie, it's the fact that I watched it all the way through, despite the shaky-cam. I ended up making myself sick in the process and spent about half an hour doing that acupressure thing where you jab fingers into your wrist to try and calm your nausea.
Anyway, enough of an update for now. Go watch the movie.
Speaking of Hell, If you can handle shaky-cam, watch the movie As Above, So Below. I can't seem to get it out of my head. It took some very creepy and interesting turns, which is a good thing for an 'obsessed person on a quest' movie to do. Dat shaky-cam tho.....
I guess if there is any testament to how much I liked the movie, it's the fact that I watched it all the way through, despite the shaky-cam. I ended up making myself sick in the process and spent about half an hour doing that acupressure thing where you jab fingers into your wrist to try and calm your nausea.
Anyway, enough of an update for now. Go watch the movie.
Friday, July 1, 2016
Thoughts on GoT Season Six Part Four
Faith and Identity Part Two
Starks, Identity, and Death
(This is the second part of my discussion of Faith and Identity. Again, as always, spoilers)
The Starks, as the most Northern House, are our main connection to the old gods. The worship of the old gods is the most 'just so.' They are believed to be part of the elements of nature and don't require any direct worship. At one time, they seemed to have responded to blood sacrifices, but it isn't explained why. They have power and there is a great deal of evidence of them, but there doesn't seem to be any formality to it aside from possibly swearing oaths in front of trees with faces on them.
Because there is nothing written down and no real holy books, people who follow the old gods seem to do so more by securing their identity in a code of ethics. People who tie their identity to the old gods seem to accept that certain things are Truths and that consequences will be met out by the gods without any human interference. Kinslaying. Breaking the rules of hospitality. Oathbreaking. Lyanna Mormont is able to shame the other Northern lords by reminding them they broke their oaths to the Starks. The understood message is that if they don't do something to make this right, they will suffer.
This seems to be the difference between Roose and Ramsay Bolton. Roose would break oaths when he felt he had no other choice. Honestly, it could be argued that betraying Robb Stark and making his alliance with the Lannisters was the only thing that could have saved the North. Roose knew they needed to go back home and deal with the Ironborn. But for all of his faults, Roose still wrapped his identity in the faith of his land. He did not believe in killing his own son. He did not believe in attacking the Crows. He may have been a horrible person in a lot of ways, but he had principles. Ramsay did not. Had Ramsay treated his prisoners well or treated his wife well, he might have had a very different life. Ramsay had no moral compass and for that reason more than any other, he had to die.
Back in the first season, when we first see the Starks, several things connected to the old gods and to their identity happen fairly quickly. Ned Stark executes a man of the Nights Watch for desertion. They find the dire wolf mother and her pups. A pup is given to every Stark child, including Jon Snow. Then we see Ned in the godswood where his wife comes to him and the whole plot swings into motion.
Since then, the old gods have played a large part in what happens to the Stark children and are very wrapped up in how they identify themselves. Bran and Rickon have visions about their father's death before it happens. When Bran is told by Jojen Reed that he needs to travel beyond the Wall, Bran doesn't question this, even though it seems like the worst idea ever.
When I wrote about compliance and rule breaking, I considered putting Bran in there as a counterpoint. Then I realized that the issue with Bran is different. When Bran breaks the rules and causes Many Bad Things to Happen, he is never breaking laws written by people or even the codes followed by the Northerners. Bran breaks rules set down by nature and the gods. He knew his climbing was dangerous, and yet he would do it anyway, sure that his skills would always keep him safe.
He was correct on that part. It wasn't his lack of skill that got him in trouble. Bran sets the whole war into motion because he sees something he shouldn't have seen, which, admittedly, is often a problem for people with Sight. Bran uncovers a secret and it gets a lot of people killed. As a result, he loses his ability to climb. He is directly punished for breaking this rule but it doesn't stop him.
The Three-Eyed Raven warns him that Sight is dangerous and visions can cause problems if not handled correctly. Again, Bran doesn't listen and goes exploring anyway. By doing so, he uncovers a dark truth about himself, gets two of his companions killed, probably killed the last of the Children of the Forest, and made the Night King even more unstoppable.
Even by this season, Bran isn't coming to terms with how powerful he is and what level of destruction he can cause. Part of his identity isn't accepting the responsibility of his Sight. While many people's personal battles are both physical and mental in this story, I think Bran's has always been about learning to temper himself.
While we see active participation with the old gods when it comes to Bran and his group, the story has also witnessed the conversion of one of the other Starks. Five seasons ago, Sansa Stark was very much her mother's daughter. She wanted to get away from Winterfell and the North. She put her faith in Knights (who came along when the Faith of the Seven began) and wanted to live a life in the South. But as her story has continued, we've seen her moving closer and closer to the old gods. She would spend time in the godswood at Kings Landing. When she was at the Eyrie, she revitalized her spirit by building a snow castle that looked like Winterfell.
On the outside, Sansa has had to blend in with those around her. To survive, she had to look like a woman of Cersei's court, then like a woman of Margaery's. She dressed dark and sexy for Littlefinger. This season, Sansa finally regains her identity as a woman of the North. She dresses as one and acts as one. She knows Winterfell is her home and fights for it. She also accepts the harshness of their lives and the need to follow the code of the North. When she kills Ramsay, it isn't just because of what he has done to her. It is because he is a destructive force who violates everything Northerners stand for. It isn't just revenge. It is justice.
One of the more harmonic things about the story has always been the way that Sansa and Arya's story arches mirror each other. Sansa is the lady and Arya is the tomboy, and yet, to survive, both of them often had to transform themselves and disguise themselves, often walking very close to losing their own identities. Last season, when Sansa was in the clutches of Ramsay, a man known for stripping others of their identity, Arya was in the House of Black and White, a death cult of assassins who also asked their followers to step away from their identity.
In a way, I think Arya is a worshiper of the god of death. In the first season, while Sansa was being brought into the fold of the royal court, Arya was being told 'there is only one god and his name is Death.' In the second season, when Sansa was learning to survive as a prisoner of Joffrey and Cersei, Arya was taught to recite the list of the people she wanted to kill, a prayer that would keep her going. Even in her most dire moments, we see her reciting her list. Before she ever came to Braavos, Arya's religion was Death.
A lot of people have speculated why she was allowed to leave the House of Black and White. My theory is that while she wasn't fit to be an assassin in the traditional sense, her willingness to kill still made her a follower of Death. She was allowed to retain the skills she learned there because they would be used for killing. Arya could not be part of the religion in the sense that she could become No One. She would always be Arya Stark. She couldn't let go of her identity, but it didn't matter. That identity was now one who did the work of Death anyway. Arya Stark is a deathbringer, and probably for the Many Faced God, that's enough.
It's been clear since the beginning that the gods were part of what was shaping the Starks. The gods have offered gifts of various sorts, but it has been up to the children to accept or deny these gifts. As things are winding down, we're beginning to see what they need to keep with them in order to survive. Bran's identity is tied to learning to understand his power. Sansa's is tied to owning who she is. Arya's is tied to accepting her role as a killer. It's down to these three now. The rest of the Starks are dead and Jon is a Targaryen. The North is in their hands.
Starks, Identity, and Death
(This is the second part of my discussion of Faith and Identity. Again, as always, spoilers)
The Starks, as the most Northern House, are our main connection to the old gods. The worship of the old gods is the most 'just so.' They are believed to be part of the elements of nature and don't require any direct worship. At one time, they seemed to have responded to blood sacrifices, but it isn't explained why. They have power and there is a great deal of evidence of them, but there doesn't seem to be any formality to it aside from possibly swearing oaths in front of trees with faces on them.
Because there is nothing written down and no real holy books, people who follow the old gods seem to do so more by securing their identity in a code of ethics. People who tie their identity to the old gods seem to accept that certain things are Truths and that consequences will be met out by the gods without any human interference. Kinslaying. Breaking the rules of hospitality. Oathbreaking. Lyanna Mormont is able to shame the other Northern lords by reminding them they broke their oaths to the Starks. The understood message is that if they don't do something to make this right, they will suffer.
This seems to be the difference between Roose and Ramsay Bolton. Roose would break oaths when he felt he had no other choice. Honestly, it could be argued that betraying Robb Stark and making his alliance with the Lannisters was the only thing that could have saved the North. Roose knew they needed to go back home and deal with the Ironborn. But for all of his faults, Roose still wrapped his identity in the faith of his land. He did not believe in killing his own son. He did not believe in attacking the Crows. He may have been a horrible person in a lot of ways, but he had principles. Ramsay did not. Had Ramsay treated his prisoners well or treated his wife well, he might have had a very different life. Ramsay had no moral compass and for that reason more than any other, he had to die.
Back in the first season, when we first see the Starks, several things connected to the old gods and to their identity happen fairly quickly. Ned Stark executes a man of the Nights Watch for desertion. They find the dire wolf mother and her pups. A pup is given to every Stark child, including Jon Snow. Then we see Ned in the godswood where his wife comes to him and the whole plot swings into motion.
Since then, the old gods have played a large part in what happens to the Stark children and are very wrapped up in how they identify themselves. Bran and Rickon have visions about their father's death before it happens. When Bran is told by Jojen Reed that he needs to travel beyond the Wall, Bran doesn't question this, even though it seems like the worst idea ever.
When I wrote about compliance and rule breaking, I considered putting Bran in there as a counterpoint. Then I realized that the issue with Bran is different. When Bran breaks the rules and causes Many Bad Things to Happen, he is never breaking laws written by people or even the codes followed by the Northerners. Bran breaks rules set down by nature and the gods. He knew his climbing was dangerous, and yet he would do it anyway, sure that his skills would always keep him safe.
He was correct on that part. It wasn't his lack of skill that got him in trouble. Bran sets the whole war into motion because he sees something he shouldn't have seen, which, admittedly, is often a problem for people with Sight. Bran uncovers a secret and it gets a lot of people killed. As a result, he loses his ability to climb. He is directly punished for breaking this rule but it doesn't stop him.
The Three-Eyed Raven warns him that Sight is dangerous and visions can cause problems if not handled correctly. Again, Bran doesn't listen and goes exploring anyway. By doing so, he uncovers a dark truth about himself, gets two of his companions killed, probably killed the last of the Children of the Forest, and made the Night King even more unstoppable.
Even by this season, Bran isn't coming to terms with how powerful he is and what level of destruction he can cause. Part of his identity isn't accepting the responsibility of his Sight. While many people's personal battles are both physical and mental in this story, I think Bran's has always been about learning to temper himself.
While we see active participation with the old gods when it comes to Bran and his group, the story has also witnessed the conversion of one of the other Starks. Five seasons ago, Sansa Stark was very much her mother's daughter. She wanted to get away from Winterfell and the North. She put her faith in Knights (who came along when the Faith of the Seven began) and wanted to live a life in the South. But as her story has continued, we've seen her moving closer and closer to the old gods. She would spend time in the godswood at Kings Landing. When she was at the Eyrie, she revitalized her spirit by building a snow castle that looked like Winterfell.
On the outside, Sansa has had to blend in with those around her. To survive, she had to look like a woman of Cersei's court, then like a woman of Margaery's. She dressed dark and sexy for Littlefinger. This season, Sansa finally regains her identity as a woman of the North. She dresses as one and acts as one. She knows Winterfell is her home and fights for it. She also accepts the harshness of their lives and the need to follow the code of the North. When she kills Ramsay, it isn't just because of what he has done to her. It is because he is a destructive force who violates everything Northerners stand for. It isn't just revenge. It is justice.
One of the more harmonic things about the story has always been the way that Sansa and Arya's story arches mirror each other. Sansa is the lady and Arya is the tomboy, and yet, to survive, both of them often had to transform themselves and disguise themselves, often walking very close to losing their own identities. Last season, when Sansa was in the clutches of Ramsay, a man known for stripping others of their identity, Arya was in the House of Black and White, a death cult of assassins who also asked their followers to step away from their identity.
In a way, I think Arya is a worshiper of the god of death. In the first season, while Sansa was being brought into the fold of the royal court, Arya was being told 'there is only one god and his name is Death.' In the second season, when Sansa was learning to survive as a prisoner of Joffrey and Cersei, Arya was taught to recite the list of the people she wanted to kill, a prayer that would keep her going. Even in her most dire moments, we see her reciting her list. Before she ever came to Braavos, Arya's religion was Death.
A lot of people have speculated why she was allowed to leave the House of Black and White. My theory is that while she wasn't fit to be an assassin in the traditional sense, her willingness to kill still made her a follower of Death. She was allowed to retain the skills she learned there because they would be used for killing. Arya could not be part of the religion in the sense that she could become No One. She would always be Arya Stark. She couldn't let go of her identity, but it didn't matter. That identity was now one who did the work of Death anyway. Arya Stark is a deathbringer, and probably for the Many Faced God, that's enough.
It's been clear since the beginning that the gods were part of what was shaping the Starks. The gods have offered gifts of various sorts, but it has been up to the children to accept or deny these gifts. As things are winding down, we're beginning to see what they need to keep with them in order to survive. Bran's identity is tied to learning to understand his power. Sansa's is tied to owning who she is. Arya's is tied to accepting her role as a killer. It's down to these three now. The rest of the Starks are dead and Jon is a Targaryen. The North is in their hands.
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