Erasing Ourselves

Fat acceptance is widely debated. Some people are calling for an end to the stigma that fat people face, while others are saying that to accept fat people as they are is irresponsible and unhealthy. This is something I've written about before and something I think about often. Even as a fat person, it's complicated to grapple with the idea. Often when I discuss it with others, even other fat people, things can get hostile.

I read this article last night. It's about a common thing that fat people (and others who are uncomfortable with their appearance for that matter) face when pictures are being taken. When  you see yourself as flawed, you want to remove yourself from any situation that will document that flaw.

As the article points out, we're more than just our flaws. Photos aren't taken to highlight or capture moments concerning our flaws. Photos are taken to highlight and capture moments of love and celebration. They are the documentation of our lives. Photos will one day be the only way the people who are connected to us will be able to see us. You know, because we'll be dead.

At one point, the article asks if you would really want your children to have no pictures of you while with them when  they were certain ages just because you weren't happy with how you looked? In the long run, will that really matter? Do you not want to see how you looked when you were holding your 3 yr old or standing proudly by your kid while they graduate? Do you not want to see how happy you were at your 50th birthday party?

This really struck home with me because I don't have a lot of pictures of my mom. She was never really all that heavy, but she was uncomfortable with her looks for other reasons. She would avoid pictures. She would do her best to erase herself from the moment. Now she's dead so there will be no more photos.

To me, this cuts to the core of what fat acceptance is trying to accomplish. It isn't about laying back and NEVER trying to get healthy. It isn't about eating the whole box of donuts and that's okay because you're still pretty. This isn't about making excuses.

It's about the fact that our society hates fat and sees fat people as subhuman failures who aren't deserving of anything. We're told we don't deserve love. We're told we don't deserve success. We're told we don't deserve comfort or decent clothes. We're told that all of these things will be denied to us UNTIL we get with the program and lose weight. We will be left with nothing UNTIL we obey and do what we're supposed to do.

Look, I'm a smart woman and pretty good at seeing through bullshit. And yet, every day, I buy into this. Every single day, I wake up and accept the fact that because of my size, I have to be uncomfortable and wear misshapen clothes (that still don't fit properly). I accepted that no one would ever marry me. I accepted that success would allude me.

Why did I do  this? Why? Because I feel like a failure because I can't be at a healthy weight. Every day, every single day, I wake up and feel like a failure. Every morning, even on the ones where I do my 30 minutes of exercise, I still feel like a damned failure.

And the worst part is, when many people read this, all they will do is just give me suggestions on 'ways I can lose weight' and miss the point that I don't need to be told how to do something. I need to be told I'm not a failure. I need to be reminded that even though I'm carrying around the weight of almost 3 other humans, I still managed to stagger around somewhat.

We live in a society where a third of the people are obese, so why are all the chairs and cars and planes and medical equipment and couches and bathroom still designed for people who are thin? Another third of our population may not be as massive as I am, but they're still overweight. Why are we designing for only a third of us?

Okay, this is getting really ranty. I'll sum things up. Let people take pictures of you. You may not like how you look, but it's how you look and you're here and someone loves you enough to want to document that. Try to feel like less of a failure because you're not perfect. You're doing the best you can. Don't erase yourself.