Halloween has come and gone. Yes, I know I spelled it wrong in the title line. I did that on purpose because it feels really hollow to me this year. Again, this is usually my favorite time of year, but not right now.
I was completely detached from this holiday. Nothing special at all. Just another day. No pumpkin. No candy. Nothing. I'd thought I'd have a Sims expansion to take the edge off, but that didn't work out either.
Instead, it was just the usual frustrations. Plus an ice maker that isn't working right. Plus fucking yard work on the yard I hate because it does nothing but cause stress and problems. This just isn't a good holiday for me. I'm sitting here crying as I write this.
Whatever, October. You sucked.
Monday, October 31, 2016
Sunday, October 30, 2016
The Light at the End of the Suck Tunnel
Suctober is almost over! Here's hoping next month isn't Sucvember! This month felt like it lasted 200 days. On 196 of those days, I didn't have hot water. On the other 4, everything else was going wrong. I was snotridden on all of them. This month was awful. I'm shocked I survived.
Am I grateful for things? Oh certainly yes.
I am grateful the gas leak didn't kill me or mine.
I am grateful that it was (eventually) fixed.
I am grateful the new fridge was (eventually) installed.
I am grateful for Blair.
I am grateful my roommate and I didn't go insane during this.
I am grateful for the help and sympathy of others.
Most of all, I am grateful this month is almost over.
Seriously, November. Do not suck.
Am I grateful for things? Oh certainly yes.
I am grateful the gas leak didn't kill me or mine.
I am grateful that it was (eventually) fixed.
I am grateful the new fridge was (eventually) installed.
I am grateful for Blair.
I am grateful my roommate and I didn't go insane during this.
I am grateful for the help and sympathy of others.
Most of all, I am grateful this month is almost over.
Seriously, November. Do not suck.
Friday, October 28, 2016
Questing for Better
I'm still somewhat sick. My roommate is sick. We're both really tired and the house/cats continue to task us. The internet was out for many hours. We had an extra errand today because of the bank. Shopping was difficult. The cats are reaching the stage of life where they make a lot of messes. I mean, more so than they usually do as cats.
This isn't random bitchery. Things are tough right now. I don't want to be someone who just lives in her misery. The problems need solutions and I need to come up with them.
We never have much money, but now even the small bit we have to work with is waning. There is yard work to be done that is basically beyond our capacity to do. I mean, it will get done. We have to do it, but it takes a toll. The house is a mess and neither of us feel like cleaning it.
Right now, it just all feels like too much. I need to come up with some solutions and the usual ones won't work. I need to find ways to make things better, because as I said a few nights ago, I need things to be better. The spoons are in short supply.
Understand, this isn't a declaration of me throwing in the towel. This is a declaration of me realizing I need to get creative about how things can get handled. I don't know what that will be yet, but I'll figure out something.
This isn't random bitchery. Things are tough right now. I don't want to be someone who just lives in her misery. The problems need solutions and I need to come up with them.
We never have much money, but now even the small bit we have to work with is waning. There is yard work to be done that is basically beyond our capacity to do. I mean, it will get done. We have to do it, but it takes a toll. The house is a mess and neither of us feel like cleaning it.
Right now, it just all feels like too much. I need to come up with some solutions and the usual ones won't work. I need to find ways to make things better, because as I said a few nights ago, I need things to be better. The spoons are in short supply.
Understand, this isn't a declaration of me throwing in the towel. This is a declaration of me realizing I need to get creative about how things can get handled. I don't know what that will be yet, but I'll figure out something.
Thursday, October 27, 2016
Snazz
I called my sister-in-law today. She's been super busy with her job, the kids' activities, and going back to college. Because of that, we'd really not talked since all this upheaval happened in my life. To tell the whole 'new old car through fridge' story makes it sound really crazy. It was really crazy. That was way too much stuff to deal with in one month.
Speaking of the fridge, the new one is FINALLY in! It took the removal of doors and lots of shifting of things, but after a few hours, Delivery Dude managed to get it installed. It's by no means fancy, but it's far more snazzy than any fridge I've ever had before. I'm so happy with it.
This month is almost over. You know what I would like next month? NO SUCKING! That would be great, thanks.
Speaking of the fridge, the new one is FINALLY in! It took the removal of doors and lots of shifting of things, but after a few hours, Delivery Dude managed to get it installed. It's by no means fancy, but it's far more snazzy than any fridge I've ever had before. I'm so happy with it.
This month is almost over. You know what I would like next month? NO SUCKING! That would be great, thanks.
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
Better
A cat shat on my bed.
Another cat peed on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night. I stepped in and almost slipped in said cat pee. The cats are old now and have trouble controlling themselves. I know this and I feel bad for them. It doesn't make it any less annoying when you're having to deal with it.
Despite this, there was some minor progress. The people called and said the ice maker had been installed. The fridge should be here tomorrow. I'm not holding my breath. The peach tree is cut down. That's good news.
I'm still sick. Beyond being sick, I'm just really emotionally spent. I'm tired of everything and I'm tired of Suctober. I'm tired of the election and I'm tired of everyone being shitty to each other over the election. I'm tired of horrible looks from people. I'm tired of it all.
I need better.
Another cat peed on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night. I stepped in and almost slipped in said cat pee. The cats are old now and have trouble controlling themselves. I know this and I feel bad for them. It doesn't make it any less annoying when you're having to deal with it.
Despite this, there was some minor progress. The people called and said the ice maker had been installed. The fridge should be here tomorrow. I'm not holding my breath. The peach tree is cut down. That's good news.
I'm still sick. Beyond being sick, I'm just really emotionally spent. I'm tired of everything and I'm tired of Suctober. I'm tired of the election and I'm tired of everyone being shitty to each other over the election. I'm tired of horrible looks from people. I'm tired of it all.
I need better.
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
Monday, October 24, 2016
Sick
I'm writing this early because I'm thinking it will be an early night for me. I'm really sick. I've been hacking and coughing all day and I can't seem to shake a fever. The whole mess is leaving me very exhausted and a little dizzy.
Meanwhile, we still don't have the new fridge. Ol Boy who was supposed to chop down the dead peach tree still hasn't chopped down the dead peach tree. It's still not cool.
In other words, Suctober continues.
Meanwhile, we still don't have the new fridge. Ol Boy who was supposed to chop down the dead peach tree still hasn't chopped down the dead peach tree. It's still not cool.
In other words, Suctober continues.
Sunday, October 23, 2016
Big Lies
So they did this poll that showed if women weren't voting, Trump would more than likely win. Instead of trying to consider ways their candidate could better appeal to women, some on the Trump side decreed this should be reason enough to repeal the 19th Amendment. Some of the people saying this were even women.
I see this a lot. Well, not the repealing voting thing, but women who want to act like women shouldn't have rights and that Feminism is bad. I saw one little darling doing a video about how much she hates Feminism and, in the middle of it, had to remember that she has birth control that keeps her from having a period every month because of Feminism.
I was thinking about all of this today while I was watching Big Eyes. The 1950s were a couple of decades after the 19th passed, but during this decade, a lot of the independence women had gained during the 40s disappeared. Women weren't taken seriously. It was assumed that a woman would have a husband and children. Women had to look and behave a certain way. They were to rely on men in all things and be quite careful about how they made their wishes known.
As much as the women who seem to hate Feminism now think that they'd be all fine in a time period like this, most of them wouldn't. Many of the women who complain about the rest of us are just as opinionated, just as assertive, and just as forward. They are not demure, meek little things.
Back then, it didn't matter if you agreed with everything your husband or other men said. They didn't care. They didn't want to hear your opinion on it. Or on anything. Your job as a woman was to be as harmonious and agreeable as possible. You were less than a person. You were a very dutiful convenience.
That's a pretty horrible way to live.
I see this a lot. Well, not the repealing voting thing, but women who want to act like women shouldn't have rights and that Feminism is bad. I saw one little darling doing a video about how much she hates Feminism and, in the middle of it, had to remember that she has birth control that keeps her from having a period every month because of Feminism.
I was thinking about all of this today while I was watching Big Eyes. The 1950s were a couple of decades after the 19th passed, but during this decade, a lot of the independence women had gained during the 40s disappeared. Women weren't taken seriously. It was assumed that a woman would have a husband and children. Women had to look and behave a certain way. They were to rely on men in all things and be quite careful about how they made their wishes known.
As much as the women who seem to hate Feminism now think that they'd be all fine in a time period like this, most of them wouldn't. Many of the women who complain about the rest of us are just as opinionated, just as assertive, and just as forward. They are not demure, meek little things.
Back then, it didn't matter if you agreed with everything your husband or other men said. They didn't care. They didn't want to hear your opinion on it. Or on anything. Your job as a woman was to be as harmonious and agreeable as possible. You were less than a person. You were a very dutiful convenience.
That's a pretty horrible way to live.
Saturday, October 22, 2016
Back to Grateful
I have been bitching and moaning for weeks now. Mind you, I had good reason for it, but still. Until the next fuckery comes along, I'm going to try and stop. so today is a post about things I'm happy about.
1. TAGLESS CLOTHES. Tags suck so hard. I hate them. As someone with back fat, the tags were always rolling out of the backs of my shirts to basically announce I had back fat. If they weren't doing that, they were scratching me. I'm so happy much of my clothing is tagless now.
2. DRIVING BLAIR in the DARK! Blair is fancier than other cars I've owned. Her lights come on when I turn on the engine. Better! They go off when I turn it off! No more fear about leaving my lights on.
3. LIN MANUEL MIRANDA exists. He exists in my lifetime and he is an amazing writer and composer. Apparently, the PBS show about him debuted with higher numbers than anything else on PBS in a long while.
4. THE ELECTION IS ALMOST OVER. Let's face it. We're all sick of that.
5. I HAVE PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME. Best thing, really.
1. TAGLESS CLOTHES. Tags suck so hard. I hate them. As someone with back fat, the tags were always rolling out of the backs of my shirts to basically announce I had back fat. If they weren't doing that, they were scratching me. I'm so happy much of my clothing is tagless now.
2. DRIVING BLAIR in the DARK! Blair is fancier than other cars I've owned. Her lights come on when I turn on the engine. Better! They go off when I turn it off! No more fear about leaving my lights on.
3. LIN MANUEL MIRANDA exists. He exists in my lifetime and he is an amazing writer and composer. Apparently, the PBS show about him debuted with higher numbers than anything else on PBS in a long while.
4. THE ELECTION IS ALMOST OVER. Let's face it. We're all sick of that.
5. I HAVE PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME. Best thing, really.
Friday, October 21, 2016
Bah
I still don't have a fridge. I'm really just so beyond over all of this. I'm not sure how much I can write about anything right now. I'll try to be more gracious about things later.
Thursday, October 20, 2016
The Slap
We worked really hard to make sure all the food was out of Dying Fridge. We shoved things into the freezer and into the little fridge until nothing else would fit. My roommate had to down some salsa. I don't think he minded. We knew it wouldn't be long that we had to deal with this. The new fridge was supposed to show up this afternoon. Expect it didn't, because, of course not. Nothing this Suctober is that easy.
A year ago today, I blogged about poverty. Not my own, mind you, but poverty in general and how things that are annoying for affluent people can be devastating for poor people. It's funny how a year ago I was writing about this and this year I'm living through it.
I've written a lot about the gas/fridge debacle and how rough it's being on me financially. I'm sure you've also gotten a sense of how this has been on me emotionally. You know, after getting the newer car, I had this sense things were looking up. I felt positive about my life. Moreover, and this is the kicker, I felt a bit of security.
Money isn't everything. This is a common saying. And I'm sure the person who said it was thinking of Scrooge McDuck wallowing in his gold coins . . . or something like that. Money may not be everything, but food, water, shelter, and a sense of security are pretty fundamental needs. Our level of money is tied quite closely to all of these.
Now that sense of security is gone. If something else major breaks, I really have no idea how it will be fixed. I honestly doubt it will be. We'll just have to do what we can to continue on without it. If it's something not necessary like the TV, then that will be frustrating, but not difficult. If it's something like a piece of large plumbing . . . well, right now, I just have no idea what I'll do.
That concept of not knowing is a little terrifying. To keep myself sane, I'll do my best to not think about it. It's there . . . it's the slap in the dark. I know it's coming, I just have no idea when.
A year ago today, I blogged about poverty. Not my own, mind you, but poverty in general and how things that are annoying for affluent people can be devastating for poor people. It's funny how a year ago I was writing about this and this year I'm living through it.
I've written a lot about the gas/fridge debacle and how rough it's being on me financially. I'm sure you've also gotten a sense of how this has been on me emotionally. You know, after getting the newer car, I had this sense things were looking up. I felt positive about my life. Moreover, and this is the kicker, I felt a bit of security.
Money isn't everything. This is a common saying. And I'm sure the person who said it was thinking of Scrooge McDuck wallowing in his gold coins . . . or something like that. Money may not be everything, but food, water, shelter, and a sense of security are pretty fundamental needs. Our level of money is tied quite closely to all of these.
Now that sense of security is gone. If something else major breaks, I really have no idea how it will be fixed. I honestly doubt it will be. We'll just have to do what we can to continue on without it. If it's something not necessary like the TV, then that will be frustrating, but not difficult. If it's something like a piece of large plumbing . . . well, right now, I just have no idea what I'll do.
That concept of not knowing is a little terrifying. To keep myself sane, I'll do my best to not think about it. It's there . . . it's the slap in the dark. I know it's coming, I just have no idea when.
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Sucktober
If you read this blog on a semi-frequent basis, you know that October is usually my favorite month. Nice cool weather without a threat of snow. Fun holiday activities without the pressure of seeing family members. In almost any given year, this month rocks for me.
But as we have all noticed, 2016 is not a normal year. It's a sucktastic year that is doing all that it can to be as awful and disheartening as possible. I mean, it still hasn't given me repeat cancer, but we still have a few months so I'm kind of preparing myself for that.
2016 has destroyed my happy October. Let's see. First, there was the gas leak and nine days without gas. This was expensive, in fact, we still haven't even gotten the bill for it, but I consoled myself with hoping that it wouldn't eat every last cent of my spare funds. But today, that hope died a horrible, nasty death because it really doesn't even matter anymore. Our fridge was making awful noises. Ol Boys who showed up to fix it proclaimed it beyond real repair. We had to purchase a new fridge.
I'm just . . . wow. Really? REALLY, 2016? Really? I'm totally over this year and completely over October. I'm going to go take a sulknap.
But as we have all noticed, 2016 is not a normal year. It's a sucktastic year that is doing all that it can to be as awful and disheartening as possible. I mean, it still hasn't given me repeat cancer, but we still have a few months so I'm kind of preparing myself for that.
2016 has destroyed my happy October. Let's see. First, there was the gas leak and nine days without gas. This was expensive, in fact, we still haven't even gotten the bill for it, but I consoled myself with hoping that it wouldn't eat every last cent of my spare funds. But today, that hope died a horrible, nasty death because it really doesn't even matter anymore. Our fridge was making awful noises. Ol Boys who showed up to fix it proclaimed it beyond real repair. We had to purchase a new fridge.
I'm just . . . wow. Really? REALLY, 2016? Really? I'm totally over this year and completely over October. I'm going to go take a sulknap.
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
Complaints
It is so stupid hot right now. We have fans on, like, all of them, and I'm in shorts and a tank. This is not October weather. This is wrong. And it really makes me mad because I crocheted a cute hat for myself and now I can't even wear it. I have hats from last year I never got to wear. So annoying.
Needless to say, I'm not in the best of moods. I'm tired and rather strung out. The house keeps causing issue. I'm a little over this Fall and need that party on Saturday. Seriously.
Needless to say, I'm not in the best of moods. I'm tired and rather strung out. The house keeps causing issue. I'm a little over this Fall and need that party on Saturday. Seriously.
Sunday, October 16, 2016
Grey
Earlier today I found myself staring at a word and for a second, I couldn't find any kind of connection to it. No emotion. Then I realized I was looking at my own last name. I still didn't feel any connection to it. Nothing.
This is just one example of how disconnected I've been all day. I've been here, but not really HERE. My mind keeps trying to shut things down. I think it's the delayed stress and fear from the 9 days of no gas and no idea what was going to happen. The dread finally came home and, as usual, my brain is doing anything it can to keep me distanced from it.
I know this is a defensive technique, but it's disquieting. I don't feel like myself. I don't even really feel anything. I don't feel creative. I don't feel engaged. I just feel....I guess, grey. I feel grey and floating somewhere away from me. Hopefully this won't last too long.
This is just one example of how disconnected I've been all day. I've been here, but not really HERE. My mind keeps trying to shut things down. I think it's the delayed stress and fear from the 9 days of no gas and no idea what was going to happen. The dread finally came home and, as usual, my brain is doing anything it can to keep me distanced from it.
I know this is a defensive technique, but it's disquieting. I don't feel like myself. I don't even really feel anything. I don't feel creative. I don't feel engaged. I just feel....I guess, grey. I feel grey and floating somewhere away from me. Hopefully this won't last too long.
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Floppy Pipes
I slept so well last night. The gas thing is fixed. We have hot water. Even if it cost a lot of money and caused a lot of stress, it's over with and I can let the tension leave me. I didn't realize how much my sleeping was being affected by this, but I should have. I suppose I felt like I was getting better sleep because at least I wasn't breathing in gas.
The new gas pipes are floppy. They just kind of fall over and lay there. It's difficult to get used to and ruins the nice vintage look of the stuff we had before. Then again, the stuff we had before was leaking. so I really shouldn't complain.
This has been a weird month. New to me car. Almost killed by gas. New floppy pipes. Funny how your whole world can change.
The new gas pipes are floppy. They just kind of fall over and lay there. It's difficult to get used to and ruins the nice vintage look of the stuff we had before. Then again, the stuff we had before was leaking. so I really shouldn't complain.
This has been a weird month. New to me car. Almost killed by gas. New floppy pipes. Funny how your whole world can change.
Friday, October 14, 2016
Fixed
The gas is fixed. The day was long, stressful, and expensive. I'll spare you the details. Just know it was rough. I'd rather not go through that again. My stomach is in knots and probably will be for a few days.
At least I can take a hot shower.
At least I can take a hot shower.
Thursday, October 13, 2016
Conviction
My best friend bought a karaoke machine. It's really great. Today we drank and experimented with it. At first, things weren't going so great. The instructions weren't written that well and we had a difficult time getting it to do what we wanted. But after a while, we really got into the mode of it and put out some fairly entertaining things.
For me, I think the key to doing well with a song is having the conviction to sing it. Understanding the essence of what the song is really trying to convey is far more important than staying on key. Hell, most of my favorite songs aren't really sang on key anyway.
I needed this today. After all the Under the House Hell, I needed some time to just let loose and sing. It was very spiritually filling for me. I think maybe I can face this repair situation now. I mean, it's not like I have to do much, besides just sit around and wait. Still, it's grating on the nerves. In the meantime, I can look up songs to sing.
For me, I think the key to doing well with a song is having the conviction to sing it. Understanding the essence of what the song is really trying to convey is far more important than staying on key. Hell, most of my favorite songs aren't really sang on key anyway.
I needed this today. After all the Under the House Hell, I needed some time to just let loose and sing. It was very spiritually filling for me. I think maybe I can face this repair situation now. I mean, it's not like I have to do much, besides just sit around and wait. Still, it's grating on the nerves. In the meantime, I can look up songs to sing.
Wednesday, October 12, 2016
Now I Know
We got the quote on the repairs today. It's going to be between $2000.00 and $5000.00. This is overwhelming and a little terrifying. This is also officially one week now since we've had gas. They're not even going to start until Friday, and assuming they finish on Friday (which I am assuming they won't) we'll still be doing cold showers through the weekend. Maybe even into next week.
After that, no rest for the weary. It's time to trim the damned trees and bushes that I hate and never go near. I hate the yard. I never go out there. I receive no benefit from it. It just costs me money, time, and effort.
I'm so tired of this. Normally I can be pretty positive about stuff, but it's been dragging on. Plus, I breathed gas for weeks. Plus, everyone else is stressed about the situation. Plus, I'm really tired.
I kind of want to run away from my life.
After that, no rest for the weary. It's time to trim the damned trees and bushes that I hate and never go near. I hate the yard. I never go out there. I receive no benefit from it. It just costs me money, time, and effort.
I'm so tired of this. Normally I can be pretty positive about stuff, but it's been dragging on. Plus, I breathed gas for weeks. Plus, everyone else is stressed about the situation. Plus, I'm really tired.
I kind of want to run away from my life.
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Points
Sigh.
Okay.
1. Pointing out what other people do when Person A is accused of something does not make for a valid argument. It doesn't change what Person A did. It is a childish argument.
2. The fact that women bought 50 Shades of Grey does not excuse what Trump did. For one thing, most of the women on my friends list who liked that book are voting for Trump. Secondly, just because someone reads about a HOT rich man having consensual kinky sex with someone doesn't mean they want some fugly old bastard rich dude groping them in real life.
3. Kylie Jenner posting a selfie while in her panties also does not excuse what Trump did. I'm not even sure what the line of thinking is here. I suppose it's something like 'if women are going to look good and point that out to their advantage, I should get to touch them.' That is magical thinking, folks. No matter what someone is wearing, you should keep your hands to yourself. Also, any women who are snarking about Kylie . . . basically what you sound like you're saying is "I am so angry that she has a big butt AND a thigh gap it's not fair." You sound hellyjelly. Stop it.
4. For all of you who are totally fine with what Trump did, I hope the scariest, most loathsome, most filthy, most vile man walks up to you. I hope that when you see him, you know that his guns, his truck, his dogs, and his cock are all bigger than yours. I hope he pushes you against the wall, grabs your crotch, and kisses you hard. Normally, I would never wish this on anyone, but maybe, just maybe, as his hand is fishing for the goods and his tongue is wiggling around in your mouth, you'll finally grasp that you don't like this, that no one would like this, and that consent IS a needed thing.
Okay.
1. Pointing out what other people do when Person A is accused of something does not make for a valid argument. It doesn't change what Person A did. It is a childish argument.
2. The fact that women bought 50 Shades of Grey does not excuse what Trump did. For one thing, most of the women on my friends list who liked that book are voting for Trump. Secondly, just because someone reads about a HOT rich man having consensual kinky sex with someone doesn't mean they want some fugly old bastard rich dude groping them in real life.
3. Kylie Jenner posting a selfie while in her panties also does not excuse what Trump did. I'm not even sure what the line of thinking is here. I suppose it's something like 'if women are going to look good and point that out to their advantage, I should get to touch them.' That is magical thinking, folks. No matter what someone is wearing, you should keep your hands to yourself. Also, any women who are snarking about Kylie . . . basically what you sound like you're saying is "I am so angry that she has a big butt AND a thigh gap it's not fair." You sound hellyjelly. Stop it.
4. For all of you who are totally fine with what Trump did, I hope the scariest, most loathsome, most filthy, most vile man walks up to you. I hope that when you see him, you know that his guns, his truck, his dogs, and his cock are all bigger than yours. I hope he pushes you against the wall, grabs your crotch, and kisses you hard. Normally, I would never wish this on anyone, but maybe, just maybe, as his hand is fishing for the goods and his tongue is wiggling around in your mouth, you'll finally grasp that you don't like this, that no one would like this, and that consent IS a needed thing.
Monday, October 10, 2016
Evil Cold Water
We've more or less learned to adapt to microwaving water before we wash dishes. We've always been good at cooking things that don't require the stove. Summer is so hot that using the big oven is often impossible. It can heat the whole house.
What is difficult to get used to is the cold shower. When summer is being intolerable, I'll take showers with no hot water, but that isn't exactly the same thing. When the temp is in the l00s, absence of hot does not equal cold. Those showers are usually a tolerable lukewarm to, if I'm lucky, a relieving 'kind of cool and refreshing.' As muggy as the bathroom stays and as hot as the pipes get, the summer showers are never anywhere near cold.
But it is no longer summer. It's autumn now and taking a shower with no hot water really sucks. I have discovered my voice can do a whole range of involuntary noises to express my discomfort over these showers. As the torturous sprays of water touch each part of my body, new noises fly from my mouth. My shoulders contort. My body does its best to pull away.
As the showers continue, I always try to believe that my body will grow used to the cold water and I'll find a kind of contentment in what is happening. This never happens. I always leave the shower just as unhappy as I began it. I'm cleaner but just as unhappy. By the time I get into my bedroom, I have to sit under a blanket and shiver the bitterness out of me. I mean bitterness in every sense of the word.
Those plumbers need to get this mess fixed.
What is difficult to get used to is the cold shower. When summer is being intolerable, I'll take showers with no hot water, but that isn't exactly the same thing. When the temp is in the l00s, absence of hot does not equal cold. Those showers are usually a tolerable lukewarm to, if I'm lucky, a relieving 'kind of cool and refreshing.' As muggy as the bathroom stays and as hot as the pipes get, the summer showers are never anywhere near cold.
But it is no longer summer. It's autumn now and taking a shower with no hot water really sucks. I have discovered my voice can do a whole range of involuntary noises to express my discomfort over these showers. As the torturous sprays of water touch each part of my body, new noises fly from my mouth. My shoulders contort. My body does its best to pull away.
As the showers continue, I always try to believe that my body will grow used to the cold water and I'll find a kind of contentment in what is happening. This never happens. I always leave the shower just as unhappy as I began it. I'm cleaner but just as unhappy. By the time I get into my bedroom, I have to sit under a blanket and shiver the bitterness out of me. I mean bitterness in every sense of the word.
Those plumbers need to get this mess fixed.
Sunday, October 9, 2016
Dread
I made a beautiful hat this weekend. I'm working on a beautiful scarf. I'm doing my best to focus on them and on the comfort of one stitch after the next. I'm doing this because thinking about this week terrifies me.
I don't know what will go down with the plumbers. I have no idea how long this will take or what it will cost. I'm really scared about this. I hope I sleep tonight. Until then, one stitch, then the next.
I don't know what will go down with the plumbers. I have no idea how long this will take or what it will cost. I'm really scared about this. I hope I sleep tonight. Until then, one stitch, then the next.
Saturday, October 8, 2016
Selling Your Place
So my way of trying to keep myself calm about this whole "underbelly of the house is screwed up" thing is to look at real estate listings. This is my brain's way of soothing me about the whole ordeal. "If it's too awful, we can just move."
The problem is, I can never find a house that really suits me. I want a modest house, but one that still functions well. I want two bathrooms and three bedrooms, but not some huge house that is too big or daunting to clean or deal with. I'd like a garage or carport. I want a small yard. I'd like central heat and air because that's just easier to deal with. I'd like everything in the house to be functional.
Oddly, that's hard to find.
Beyond that, what frustrates me most about online house shopping is that people rarely do their listings justice. It's pretty common these days for most people to browse for places online before they look physically. It saves time and effort. With that in mind, a seller can do a lot to make their house get tons of traffic. They can also do things to annoy the piss out of people and keep everyone away from their property.
Here are some tips for getting the most out of your online listing.
1. Just the facts. Don't embellish your listing with smooshy stuff. No one is going to be inspired about how many parties they can have on your deck. They'll get that when they see the deck in the pictures. What they want to know is the stuff they can't see in pictures, like the age of the roof/windows/AC unit.
2. Include pictures. This is VERY important. In fact, I don't even waste my time looking at a listing without pictures. Or even one with only a few pictures. Have lots of pictures, at least two of each room from good angles so people get an idea of what the room really looks like. Include pictures of the outside as well.
3. Don't make your pictures confusing. Take wide angle shots. No phone pics. Label each shot. It doesn't take much to photo edit "Kitchen" onto a picture. This is especially helpful when you have empty bedrooms. A list of empty rooms doesn't have much implact but if you label them as 'Master Bedroom" "Smallest Bedroom" people will have a better grasp of what the house has to offer. Make sure the room is well lit. Don't upload the pictures upside down.
4. For the sake of all that's holy, clean your house. No one wants to look at pictures of your messy bed or your dirty dishes. Clean the house. Put things away. Make the beds. Even if you're selling the house 'as is' people will be more interested in it if it's clean.
5. Really think about what people want to see when you take the pictures. No one wants to see your shower curtain. They want to see what your bathtub/shower looks like on the inside. Keep curtains open. No one wants to see your car. Move cars out of garages or carports so people can see how much space they'll have to work with.
6. With number 5 in mind, organize your pictures around what people most want to know. Show the kitchen first. Then bathrooms. Then laundry rooms/mudrooms/utility rooms. Highlight storage areas and places for cars. Above I said to have at least two pictures of each room, but with kitchens and bathrooms, you should include as many pictures as is needed to allow the viewer to have an understanding of the layout of the room and appliances.
7. People want to know the mobility logistics of a house. Make sure to include pictures of stairways and entrances. Show pictures of hallways.
I think most people know that there are very few houses that will completely suit one's needs. Yes, even me. However, it's important to find a place that you know you can work with (or around). If you plan to sell your house, it's very important to communicate to potential buyers that your place is worth considering. A good reception online can do wonders towards that goal.
The problem is, I can never find a house that really suits me. I want a modest house, but one that still functions well. I want two bathrooms and three bedrooms, but not some huge house that is too big or daunting to clean or deal with. I'd like a garage or carport. I want a small yard. I'd like central heat and air because that's just easier to deal with. I'd like everything in the house to be functional.
Oddly, that's hard to find.
Beyond that, what frustrates me most about online house shopping is that people rarely do their listings justice. It's pretty common these days for most people to browse for places online before they look physically. It saves time and effort. With that in mind, a seller can do a lot to make their house get tons of traffic. They can also do things to annoy the piss out of people and keep everyone away from their property.
Here are some tips for getting the most out of your online listing.
1. Just the facts. Don't embellish your listing with smooshy stuff. No one is going to be inspired about how many parties they can have on your deck. They'll get that when they see the deck in the pictures. What they want to know is the stuff they can't see in pictures, like the age of the roof/windows/AC unit.
2. Include pictures. This is VERY important. In fact, I don't even waste my time looking at a listing without pictures. Or even one with only a few pictures. Have lots of pictures, at least two of each room from good angles so people get an idea of what the room really looks like. Include pictures of the outside as well.
3. Don't make your pictures confusing. Take wide angle shots. No phone pics. Label each shot. It doesn't take much to photo edit "Kitchen" onto a picture. This is especially helpful when you have empty bedrooms. A list of empty rooms doesn't have much implact but if you label them as 'Master Bedroom" "Smallest Bedroom" people will have a better grasp of what the house has to offer. Make sure the room is well lit. Don't upload the pictures upside down.
4. For the sake of all that's holy, clean your house. No one wants to look at pictures of your messy bed or your dirty dishes. Clean the house. Put things away. Make the beds. Even if you're selling the house 'as is' people will be more interested in it if it's clean.
5. Really think about what people want to see when you take the pictures. No one wants to see your shower curtain. They want to see what your bathtub/shower looks like on the inside. Keep curtains open. No one wants to see your car. Move cars out of garages or carports so people can see how much space they'll have to work with.
6. With number 5 in mind, organize your pictures around what people most want to know. Show the kitchen first. Then bathrooms. Then laundry rooms/mudrooms/utility rooms. Highlight storage areas and places for cars. Above I said to have at least two pictures of each room, but with kitchens and bathrooms, you should include as many pictures as is needed to allow the viewer to have an understanding of the layout of the room and appliances.
7. People want to know the mobility logistics of a house. Make sure to include pictures of stairways and entrances. Show pictures of hallways.
I think most people know that there are very few houses that will completely suit one's needs. Yes, even me. However, it's important to find a place that you know you can work with (or around). If you plan to sell your house, it's very important to communicate to potential buyers that your place is worth considering. A good reception online can do wonders towards that goal.
Friday, October 7, 2016
Some Answers
Some answers to last night's questions, but not good ones. The one thing I can say about today is that at least the internet didn't mess up. Beyond that, it really wasn't that great.
We still don't have gas. Turns out we also need the water pipes replaced. They're rusting out and will probably break soon. We were supposed to get a quote for the cost of that, but we didn't. He left and never came back. So, we won't have gas for the weekend and probably not until midweek. This is so annoying and stressful.
The thing is, it does me no good to dwell on it. I can't control the majority of this. I'm going to do my best to just keep my spirits up and not burden anyone with my stress. Right now, that's about all I can do.
We still don't have gas. Turns out we also need the water pipes replaced. They're rusting out and will probably break soon. We were supposed to get a quote for the cost of that, but we didn't. He left and never came back. So, we won't have gas for the weekend and probably not until midweek. This is so annoying and stressful.
The thing is, it does me no good to dwell on it. I can't control the majority of this. I'm going to do my best to just keep my spirits up and not burden anyone with my stress. Right now, that's about all I can do.
Thursday, October 6, 2016
Accomplishments and Questions
Today I got the title in for Blair. I called all the people who officially needed to know I've changed vehicles. My roommate did the same. Somehow, despite losing the title to the van, the gas springing a leak, and general organizational fuckery, we've managed to get the Great Car Shakeup of 2016 completed.
Tomorrow I have to be in Fort Smith so my roommate will have to deal with the plumber himself. I'm not allowing myself to think about how that will turn out. This house is over 100 yrs old and most of the repair work on it was done by DIY people. It's all pretty sketchy. For all I know, he could go under the house tomorrow and find out our foundation consists of hornet nests and the skeletons of mice. Oh, and Virginia Creeper. I'm sure there is a lot of Creeper down there.
I also know I slept better last night than I have in weeks. I'm assuming that had something to do with not breathing in gas. I also know that no matter what ends up happening with the gas situation, even if we have to tear the house down or move, it is STILL better than breathing gas and/or dying from gas.
Beyond that, it's all a mystery. Will the gas leaked get fixed? Will the Virginia Creeper destroy us all? Will Suddenlink have Part Three of Fuck It Up Friday and screw up the internet for everyone from here to Texas? Answers to these questions and others will be answered in tomorrow's blog.
Tomorrow I have to be in Fort Smith so my roommate will have to deal with the plumber himself. I'm not allowing myself to think about how that will turn out. This house is over 100 yrs old and most of the repair work on it was done by DIY people. It's all pretty sketchy. For all I know, he could go under the house tomorrow and find out our foundation consists of hornet nests and the skeletons of mice. Oh, and Virginia Creeper. I'm sure there is a lot of Creeper down there.
I also know I slept better last night than I have in weeks. I'm assuming that had something to do with not breathing in gas. I also know that no matter what ends up happening with the gas situation, even if we have to tear the house down or move, it is STILL better than breathing gas and/or dying from gas.
Beyond that, it's all a mystery. Will the gas leaked get fixed? Will the Virginia Creeper destroy us all? Will Suddenlink have Part Three of Fuck It Up Friday and screw up the internet for everyone from here to Texas? Answers to these questions and others will be answered in tomorrow's blog.
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
Leaks and Loss
They shut off our gas today. Not because of lack of payment, honestly, that would be been easier to fix. This was because we have a leak. It was in the dangerous zone so they shut the gas off and we're going to have to wait until the repair people locate the leak and fix it before we get gas again. Hopefully, this won't take too long or cost too much money. Unfortunately, it might.
This was happening in the middle of us getting all the car business finished. I was so stressed out about the gas leak that I didn't really have time to process the fact that the car I've had since I was in my 20s is no longer in my life. I hadn't owned it for a while. When I got the van, Rabbitkiller became my roommate's car. Still, it was in my life, in my driveway. It was part of the family. Now it's gone and I'm pretty sad about that.
Needless to say, it was a rough day. It was an emotional day. It wasn't a day I wish to repeat. Also, it's cold showers for me until this is fixed. At least my hair will like that.
This was happening in the middle of us getting all the car business finished. I was so stressed out about the gas leak that I didn't really have time to process the fact that the car I've had since I was in my 20s is no longer in my life. I hadn't owned it for a while. When I got the van, Rabbitkiller became my roommate's car. Still, it was in my life, in my driveway. It was part of the family. Now it's gone and I'm pretty sad about that.
Needless to say, it was a rough day. It was an emotional day. It wasn't a day I wish to repeat. Also, it's cold showers for me until this is fixed. At least my hair will like that.
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
Troubleshooting
My roommate has this theory about computer problems. He believes that if you're having a problem with your machine, chances are other people have had the problem already and have found ways to fix it. Googling is always the first step when computers screw up.
Last night, I decided to apply this theory to a problem of my own and it worked. I'm making some new carriers for my phone and needed straps for them. I can make these on my own, but it gets boring and tedious. A few years ago, I got a little crank machine to do this for me. I could never get it to work right. After a while, I just gave up and tossed it in a supply bag.
Following my roommate's theory, I went to YouTube to see if anyone else had trouble with these machines. Come to find out, my problems with it were really common. I watched a couple of videos, did some practice runs, and how have straps! Yay!
So anyway, I am thinking the Roommate's computer theory can more or less apply to any situation. If you're having a problem with something, you're more than likely not the first one. Google it. Youtube it. See what you can find. It may help.
Last night, I decided to apply this theory to a problem of my own and it worked. I'm making some new carriers for my phone and needed straps for them. I can make these on my own, but it gets boring and tedious. A few years ago, I got a little crank machine to do this for me. I could never get it to work right. After a while, I just gave up and tossed it in a supply bag.
Following my roommate's theory, I went to YouTube to see if anyone else had trouble with these machines. Come to find out, my problems with it were really common. I watched a couple of videos, did some practice runs, and how have straps! Yay!
So anyway, I am thinking the Roommate's computer theory can more or less apply to any situation. If you're having a problem with something, you're more than likely not the first one. Google it. Youtube it. See what you can find. It may help.
Monday, October 3, 2016
Same Old
I kept seeing commercials about the vice-presidential debate and something about it was getting on my nerves. This was beyond the usual stuff that gets on my nerves about politics. This was a kind of narrowing of the eyes, teeth on edge kind of thing. I finally figured it out.
The VPs are common. Both of them look like typical men running for president. In fact, for a lot of people, it's probably somewhat of a relief to see them because they look like what people normally assume presidential candidates would look like.
I don't like this. To me, it means that as much as our main candidates are unusual choices (even someone like Trump is unusual in the grand scheme of things), the people they picked to be with them are just status quo. And that isn't to say anything about either man's ideas or actions. This is just about how presentation and expectation play a role on who we choose to vote for. Pick this dude. He's the safe choice.
It could be argued there is a matter of balance to consider here. I get that. I do. At the same time, I also believe that if you're going to shake things up, shake them up a lot. That shows promise. That shows guts.
Then again, since when was politics ever about promise or guts?
The VPs are common. Both of them look like typical men running for president. In fact, for a lot of people, it's probably somewhat of a relief to see them because they look like what people normally assume presidential candidates would look like.
I don't like this. To me, it means that as much as our main candidates are unusual choices (even someone like Trump is unusual in the grand scheme of things), the people they picked to be with them are just status quo. And that isn't to say anything about either man's ideas or actions. This is just about how presentation and expectation play a role on who we choose to vote for. Pick this dude. He's the safe choice.
It could be argued there is a matter of balance to consider here. I get that. I do. At the same time, I also believe that if you're going to shake things up, shake them up a lot. That shows promise. That shows guts.
Then again, since when was politics ever about promise or guts?
Sunday, October 2, 2016
The Fog
My mood is better today. I have no idea what happened. Maybe it was just massive emotions and nerves over getting Blair. Sometimes when one has Depression (and a childhood like mine) even good things can feel like they might cause massive problems. My mind keeps searching for them. I'm trying to ignore it.
In therapy, we've talked often about how brains get used to certain chemicals. Our brains, after a while, will accept that chemical state as normal and believe any alterations to it are abnormal. So for the person who grew up facing crisis situations with people who panic, they will move around a lot, pace, and yell as adults to achieve that same level of panic.
For people with issues of anxiety and depression, our brains are used to feeling that kind of awful up and awful down. Even though we rationally know it isn't the way things are supposed to be, part of us is always whispering that this IS reality and we just need to accept that.
And . . . . that is often the hardest part. Even when I know my mood is causing my specific filter for how I'm seeing things, it's often difficult to try and talk myself into believing that. No, all the things aren't going wrong, it's just what your mind is telling you. No, everything isn't going to fall apart and break into pieces, it's just what your mind is telling you.
That's the hell of it all. If you can't trust your own mind, who can you trust?
In therapy, we've talked often about how brains get used to certain chemicals. Our brains, after a while, will accept that chemical state as normal and believe any alterations to it are abnormal. So for the person who grew up facing crisis situations with people who panic, they will move around a lot, pace, and yell as adults to achieve that same level of panic.
For people with issues of anxiety and depression, our brains are used to feeling that kind of awful up and awful down. Even though we rationally know it isn't the way things are supposed to be, part of us is always whispering that this IS reality and we just need to accept that.
And . . . . that is often the hardest part. Even when I know my mood is causing my specific filter for how I'm seeing things, it's often difficult to try and talk myself into believing that. No, all the things aren't going wrong, it's just what your mind is telling you. No, everything isn't going to fall apart and break into pieces, it's just what your mind is telling you.
That's the hell of it all. If you can't trust your own mind, who can you trust?
Blah
It's a good thing I posted when I did last night because past that, the internet died and stayed out for hours and hours. That caused a lot of stress, which was not fun on top of all the other stress that had been happening.
Did I affect any change today? I managed to make some things fall. I managed to make some other things be ugly. As you can see, my mental state isn't on the positive side.
Perhaps tomorrow.
Did I affect any change today? I managed to make some things fall. I managed to make some other things be ugly. As you can see, my mental state isn't on the positive side.
Perhaps tomorrow.
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