My mood is better today. I have no idea what happened. Maybe it was just massive emotions and nerves over getting Blair. Sometimes when one has Depression (and a childhood like mine) even good things can feel like they might cause massive problems. My mind keeps searching for them. I'm trying to ignore it.
In therapy, we've talked often about how brains get used to certain chemicals. Our brains, after a while, will accept that chemical state as normal and believe any alterations to it are abnormal. So for the person who grew up facing crisis situations with people who panic, they will move around a lot, pace, and yell as adults to achieve that same level of panic.
For people with issues of anxiety and depression, our brains are used to feeling that kind of awful up and awful down. Even though we rationally know it isn't the way things are supposed to be, part of us is always whispering that this IS reality and we just need to accept that.
And . . . . that is often the hardest part. Even when I know my mood is causing my specific filter for how I'm seeing things, it's often difficult to try and talk myself into believing that. No, all the things aren't going wrong, it's just what your mind is telling you. No, everything isn't going to fall apart and break into pieces, it's just what your mind is telling you.
That's the hell of it all. If you can't trust your own mind, who can you trust?
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